When the current leg of my journey through life began I was drawn to start writing a book. Ever since I was 9 years old I have felt called to write a book and began the project many times but didn't ever get around to finishing it. Over time I heard that urge less and less and then one day I wondered why I had never done it. I took the plunge and wrote thousands of pages of poems, verses, stories and my thoughts. I even joined a fabulous little writers group and spent many months sharing amazing things with incredible writers. At one point we created a book together for survivors of child sexual assault and I was so proud and amazed of my contribution that I got copies for all of my family to see. I ran home and re-read my pages and realised I didn't want to share it with my family at all. Yes it was an amazing article. Yes I was proud of having finally found my voice. Yes I was excited to help others. My dilemma was that this piece I had written was damning and blaming and not very loving at all. In context it was great but my family did not yet have the context that I had when I wrote it and to be honest, I'd healed more since then and no longer felt the same way about the part I once thought my family had played in my pain. I kept the book and decided not to give copies to my family.
Eventually I was drawn elsewhere and after much study I was invited to write a training manual. I was so excited and grateful and I spent hours researching it, writing and re-writing it, ensuring it was as first-rate as any I had read. I even ensured it had a level of integrity that matched the philosophies of the company who had hired me to write it. The manual was very well received and I felt quite confident that it was of a high enough quality to bring honour to the organization I wrote it for. I received great feedback and wondered again if I could perhaps write my own book. I began an online blog and made a few attempts but it never really took off. The manual then went through a metamorphosis of sorts and became something else that had less integrity and and I became glad I was not identified as the author as it was no longer even factual. I was mortified and I began to doubt my own ability to write anything that others might want to read. Then my big breakthrough came.
Last year when I began deconstructing my ego through self-love, I was offered the chance to write more manuals for the same company again and I declined. I knew that I couldn't do it again. I just knew that it would not feel good so I honoured myself and said no. That wasn't easy for me as I'd learned that saying yes was the only way to be liked in that world. What I hadn't fully learned yet was that making sure my 'no' was heard would make me like myself more. I had gotten good at saying no but I found it was always ignored, discounted or challenged. I've come to see that those behaviours from others were simply reflections of how I judged myself for saying no and I'm grateful for the lessons. I felt the pull again to write - for myself.
I did what I know to do, I started journaling again. I wrote out every thought, every feeling, every experience I had for months. I cried, screamed, laughed, sobbed, roared, giggled and slept and I healed. I brought myself alive through the words on the pages and this time I began adding photos to my journal. I began using more of my brain to create my 'book'. I again felt a pull to "write the book."
As I had many times before, I re-read my old attempts at starting a book and saw how much healing I had done with each one. I decided none of them reflected who I am now and wondered how I would ever be able to do this. Then one day I realised that I only had to write the book, I didn't have to let anyone else read it or get it published! The book was born and I'm still on the journey of that, it is creating itself as books do and I'm enjoying each step of that process. I'm now up to 58,000 words and almost finished but I'm not pressuring myself either.
My biggest surprise has been online. My higher power told me to create a new Facebook page to share myself with the world. "All you really have to share is you so share that" were the words of my message. I was horrified at first I mean, I'd been ultra-paranoid for years and didn't even like my photo being seen. Why on earth would I want to expose my deepest self to the entire world and not be able to control who saw it? I set that one down on the 'way too hard for me' pile and kept journalling. As usually happens for me, that didn't last long as the pull came more strongly and more often to create a new page and share myself on it. I flew up onto my head and analysed all the possible problems I could foresee, reasons not to do it, but there was something changing inside me too so I couldn't stay there long. I began having the experience of people telling me I should write about my experiences or that I should write a book and I would give them some flippant, dry retort. In my minds eye though, I could see very well that this was more pulling and that I needed to honour it. (If you've ever experienced these types of pulls, you may have also learned how great things go if you do actually follow them).
I created the new page, resurrected my old blog and set up an Instagram account too. Each day I ask for inner guidance on what to write and I share some part of my experience of healing, growth, existence with you. Each day I learn something new about myself and the world by doing it. Each day I find something else to love about us all, something else to let go of and something profound about life itself.
I used to worry that although over 200 people read my posts each day, they don't get shared and they only get likes on Instagram but I realised that was my egos fear, not mine. I get private messages thanking me for sharing myself because it is helping others to heal too and that for me is the greatest gift of sharing. Knowing that one person can and does make a difference just by being myself is what I hope the whole world can learn one day. We can all make a difference and I hope that by my sharing this with you today, you can see the huge difference that you are making in my world. Thank you for being you too.
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
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