Reclaim Christmas

I have reclaimed Christmas *JOY*.
As a small child I enjoyed giving and receiving love and as I grew, I received it much less but never stopped giving. Now, in my 40's, I have taken steps to ensure Christmas is joyful, I hope you can too.

Merry Christmas, I'm off to blow bubbles :-)

Applying for a job

I recognised the other day that I have never been successful with a written job application. Every job I got some other way-by word of mouth mostly, or by fronting up and asking. Maybe I was just meant to have those jobs? Yesterday I sent in an application and afterwards was tough to say the least! I am unwell, my critical selves tried to put me and my application letter down and for some reason, I had to see a huntsman spider ambling around a carpark in the rain, so my toddler selves were freaking right out. Thankfully I remembered to feel all of the emotions, do a couple of processes and to pray. Then I physically shook it off and nurtured with some 80's songs-I slept like a baby last night and even slept IN, needless to say, except for extreme pain, I feel pretty good today xxx

Uni 2012

Rang the uni 2day for enrollment & it seems their website info is not accurate-they are not offering a masters now but that may change in the 2 years I will be enrolled & I then just add anther 12 mnths to get that too. Worst case - I will have a Grad Dip by 2015 - yay me xxx

Heal For Life Foundation

Breaking campaign: TCO's Heal for Life campaign | B&T#.TpUNkpx7Xrx.facebook

Please tell all of your friends about Heal for Life Foundation. I believe in them with all of my heart and soul and they are doing amazing thngs for survivors of childhood trauma and abuse all around Australia and the world

Graduation

Booked my flights to attend my beautiful daughters' high school graduation in 2 weeks time... I feel excited (and it's okay to just feel it)

Out of character

I did something way out of character this week, I bought an iPhone! This is astounding me still coz I can't remember a time in my life b4 when I would have considered myself worthy of such extravagant non-necessity. Even stranger is the fact that it is still not bothering me 4 days l8r - good grief - am I healing? I guess I am xxx

Trauma related behaviours

I feel so sad some times that the effects of trauma cause so much turmoil for survivors.  Even just the ability to be around other people or function as part of a group can be affected, making isolation more likely and sometimes, more desirable, to avoid conflict, ostracism, judgment, blame and feelings of inadequacy, fear, hurt or pain.

Sometimes, I long for a healed world where we can all live safely as one in peace and harmony with each other and all other living things (including animals and our environemnt.  Perhaps, as the brain doesn't kniow the difference between reality and fantasy, I can do visualisations of living in such a world and who knows, maybe if I invite others to visualise it often enough with me, we may even be able to create such a world.....I love being able to dream and hope, I went so long without it.

xoxoxoxo

Didn't make it

I have been smoking again for the past 2 weeks (roughly).  I feel sad about it but I refuse to beat up on myself as I know that wont help at all.

I learned a lot during the 6 days I stopped smoking:

*  I still dissociate A LOT while driving (when I am not smoking) and need to work out some way of healing that before I try quitting again

*  I may need to take painkillers for the first few weeks of quitting cigarettes

*  I need to get an internal concensus before trying to quit again

*  I need to be at home for a month to assist me in my quit effort as I stress too much at work (about keeping everything safe)

I'm sure there was more but I'll add to this as it comes to me.

I actually feel quite proud of the 6 days I stopped smoking.  I suffered on many levels during that time and still tried as hard as I knew how.  I didn't actually miss the cigs, it was more about pain.  I didn't realise how much pain I am still in physically until then but I am not sure if I am in that much pain all the time or if it was just my brains way of pushing me to have another hit of nicotine?  I thought each day would get easier but they just got harder and the pain got more unbearable...and then there is the unconscious - the dreams and - clusters.  I was so terrified I was getting a cluster that I through all effort out the window.  I really need to find a way of healing these bl**dy things or finding a way of making peace with having them.  The trouble is, they are so unbearably painful that I am absolutely terrified of them.  I would have thought that after 27 years, I would be used to them but I wonder if anyone could ever get used to that kind of pain?  I haven't and I wish I could.  I look forward to the day that the scientific world actually finds the cause and cure for cluster headaches.  The last I read, the hypothalamus is thought to be involved in some way - this makes sense from a trauma perspective coz the hypothalamus is the part of the brain that gets activated to activate the rest of the body in a life-or-death situation so mine would be over-used and maybe even abnormal.  I'm pretty sure that was the problem my aunt was thought to be suffering many years ago.  I might have to get in touch with her some day and ask? 

Oh well, onwards and upwards, eh.

xoxoxojxoxoxo

day 7

Is it day 7 or am I deluding myself?  I am smoking today.

I tried as hard as I know how all week and each day got harder until yesterday.  Yesterday was nightmarish.  I struggled to stay present all day and not dissociate and the pain in my body was so intense that my head felt like it would explode from all of the internal pressure.  There was a war raging inside me and I was doubting my decision to quit, the timing and my self.  I did a process which I thought helped a lot but about 1/2 an hour later, the pressure increased tenfold and a few hours of migraine later, I gave in and had a smoke.  Instantly, the pain and pressure stopped!

I am not giving up on giving up though.  I have learned so much about myself this past week and have a new perspective on more things that will help me to quit so I feel more positive than I expected I would if I failed.  I actually dont see it as a failure coz that would mean blaming my guyz and I don't.  I understand totally.

One of the things that bothered me the most is that not all of my guyz were happy about me quitting and one was even angry but I was trying to be a responsible parent and remove the poison from my kids (me).  I did not try to reach an internal concensus and then when I began to feel their resistence, I kept telling myself I could not back down coz there would be too many people disappointed in me.  As if I, at 42, need to be afraid of disappointing anyone?  There has been lots of soul-searching and consideration and communication this week as well as lots of dissociation.  Thursday night I ran a red light coz I didn't realise it was red, I was 'off' somewhere else and almost caused an accident.  Driving this past week has been very scary, let me tell you.  I don't want to die.  I need to work out some way to focus my attention while driving, without depending on cigs to do it for me before I try again.

My brain has had nicotine exposure since I was 14 years old (approx. 28 years).  I was smoking when my prefrontal cortex was developing and while my brain was deciding which neurons to keep or discard.  Unfortunately, as my smoking was regular, my brain will have learned to operate with the presence of that nicotine and to just stop smoking suddenly, throws my brain into 'survival' mode as it does not know how to operate without that nicotine.  I was very aware all week of how activated my sympathetic nervous system was and my breathing techniques helped a lot.  I figure next time I try to quit, I need to do something to shift the energy of that around and from my body - it made my muscles extremely tense, especially my jaw.  Before I try again, I also need to start integrating more parasympathetic activities into my daily life too - like meditation, relaxation, etc.  AND, I need to honour my gut.  I chose now to quit coz I was going to be home, safe and unstressed for the first 2 or 3 weeks but then I agreed to work which meant I had huge added stress all of this week.

Anyhoo, I may be smoking again but I feel determined to beat this somehow soon and I feel armed with more information to assist me in continuing the fight.

But you know what, I can feel disappointed and sad and whatever else comes up but I also need to congratulate myself - I quit smoking for 6 whole days!!!  That's still a pretty admirable acheivement and worthy of recognition and praise - good for me!!!

xxxjxxx

Day 5

Congratulations - yay me!!!  Non smoker for 5 days now.  Each day seems to be more difficult than the last - I had expected each day to get easier but no.  Last night, I woke up at 4am and was not able to go back to sleep at all, even though I lay there for another three hours.  I had a module to present today and sleep would have been very welcome but I managed okay anyway (thank God).  At the end of the workshop, I really wanted a cig and almost gave in but I decided to wait.  I thought I'd check my emails and facebook page first and then see how I felt - talk about divine intervention - a handful of fb friends had left me messages of encouragement and support and as I read them, I almost cried.  I felt supported, loved, understood and encouraged and I felt very grateful.

I tend to do everything alone.  It's how I (unconsciously) learned to survive in infancy and childhood and was reinforced in my marriage.  I don't think to ask for support or help or much else and I had originally intended to keep my quitting to myself completely but at the last minute, I posted on fb, started to journal it here, and told a few close friends and colleagues so they might understand if I am not my usual self for a while.  I'm glad I did because I have received love and support which is strengthening my resolve - thank you all (you know who you are).

One of my biggest struggles has been to try to remember that my brain is doing the best it can to adjust to life (and especially stress) without lighting up.  I used cigs to cope with everything and I knew I was doing it and I allowed it and even cherished it for a while, keeping quitting in the back of my mind all the time but not pressuring myself in any way to go there until I felt ready.  I have learned to hlf (and therefore others) as I have healed and part of that empathy is understanding that my brain is doing it's best to cope with day-to-day life without the calming effects of nicotine.  I know studies have proven that nicotine creates anxiety and stress for the body/brain but studies have also shown that in PTSD patients, nicotine actually has the opposite effect and can even stop the symptoms of PTSD temporarily (Does Stress Damage the Brain by J Douglas Bremner, p 10).  For me, smoking used to be the only reason I stopped for rest breaks and the way I stopped myself dissociating while driving.  It was how I grounded myself and how I managed pain (especially extreme pain).  It acted as my crutch, my friend, my confidante even and I new I would miss it.  I knew I would struggle and I thought I was prepared but although I was very aware of why I smoked, I realise now that I had not fully understood the effect that quitting would have on my brain and that bis where my struggle lies right now.  I am not sleeping well even with my well-used techniques which once cured my insomnia.  Last night I awoke at 4am.  Tonight, I went to bed and to sleep and then I woke up thinking it must be 1,2,3, or even 4 am.  Imagine my horror when I discovered it was not even midnight!!!!!  My head is sore and I feel tired but I am unable, right now, to sleep!    I am questioning my timing, my preparedness and my wisdom but I am hanging in there for now.  I'm not sure how this will end except that I will have learned a lot either way.

nini xxxjxxx

day 4

OMG, I thought each day would get easier but I am finding it more difficult every day - does that mean I am really giving up - like - is my brain trying to come to terms with this and throwing out all the stops to draw me back into the addiction?  I feel sorry for my brain coz it has learned to cope with extreme stress and trauma through nicotine and does not yet realise I have other means of coping.

No smoking in my dreams last night but I did have a dream 'cluster'.  I get cluster migraines - a combination of cluster headaches and migraine.  Last night, I got all of the emotions usually associated with clusters but not the pain (thank God). It had something to do with me being punished for quitting but not maliciously.  I got the feeling my guys are testing my resolve to see how serious I am and I am very ready to prove myself to them.

I'm feeling really bored too.  It's like all I had was smoking to keep me busy and I don't quite know what to do with myself without cigarettes.  I didn't expect that.  I knew I would struggle but I expected headaches, irritibility, anxiety and a hard to break habit but I didn't expect to be bored.  Last time I gave up, I was working full time shift work so I didn't notice.  oh well, onwards and upwards.

hoping for a better day

Had a rough night last night.  Terrible stomach cramps and so hardly slept at all, feel like crap and really, really want a cig but not gunna have one anyway.  I had one in my dreams last night which freaked me out, especially coz I went to the house from hell to have the smoke (where I grew up).  I imagine there is a message in it somewhere but I am too tired and stressed to look right now - gotta finish packing and get my butt in the car :(  I just don't feel like it today.

xoxoxojxoxoxo

Day 2

Woke up this morning feeling free but instantly aware that I have not had a cig since 4am yesterday.  I really wanted to stay in bed today.  I really have an urge to curl up in bed for 1 whole day and I don't have time to do that for the next four weeks (drat).  Had a cup of earl grey again this morning, miss my coffee.  I used to drink too much coffee too but have cut down to 1 huge mug a day (unless I go out, which isn't very often).  I have my huge mug of coffee each morning and that's it BUT....I don't eat anything until noon and I don't drink any other fluid before 6pm!  It's insane and I'm trying to change it but my brain does not register thirst and only tells me I'm hungry when I am feeling starved.  Oh well, hopefully deciding to become a non-smoker will help me to reset my brain somehow.  Reptilian brain trauma - who'd have it?

excerpt from 'Trauma Informed Healing' by Heal for Life Foundation (Aus)

" Reptilian brain (instinctual):  The first brain to develop automatically controls the body's basic, vital functions such as heart rate, breathing, balance, body temperature, hunger, thirst and sexual urges.  It regulates the chemical balances and the rhythms of the body.  The reptilian brain includes the main structures found in a reptile's brain: the brainstem and the cerebellum, and is responsible for the basic emotions of fear, hate, contentment and rage.  Although reliable, the reptilian brain tends to be somewhat primitive, rigid and compulsive (Bone, 2009).  The actions of the reptilian brain are automatic and outside conscious control...

·        The brain stem is the area between the thalamus and the spinal column.  It houses the processes of our brain that are the most basic and vital to our survival such as heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, etc.

·        The cerebellum (Latin for ‘little brain’): scientists know relatively little about the cerebellum so far.  It is believed to be involved in physical movement, balance, language, music, posture, motor control and coordination but scans have shown it is also activated when the brain is processing mental tasks.  Jay Giedd says of the cerebellum:  

“It's like a math co-processor. It's not essential for any activity ... but it makes any activity better. Anything we can think of as higher thought, mathematics, music, philosophy, decision-making, social skill, draws upon the cerebellum “ (Frontline, PBS, 2002).

The cerebellum houses 50% of the neurons found in the brain despite the fact that it occupies only 10% of the total area of the brain.  Neurons link the cerebellum with the motor cortex.  A number of researchers are exploring a newly hypothesized connection between the cerebellum, dyslexia; learning problems; speech deficits; verbal memory; and cognitive, linguistic and affect disturbances (Dynevor , 2009-2010 ).  Disturbances in motor coordination and muscular weakness are apparent in people with cerebellum trauma.  Survivors of extreme trauma appear to have a high incidence of dyslexia (Heal For Life Foundation, 2011).   

After dinosaurs, our brains evolved a system of warning for danger that was automatic and able to ‘learn’. "

xoxoxoxox

Day 1

I decided last night, that even if the Zyban does nothing, I am giving up smoking today!

I got up at about 8am and instead of having my usual milk-coffee and cig, I had a mug of black earl gray and muffins instead.  I actually enjoyed it.  Spent the day with a friend and although I was really tempted at about 5pm, and getting desparate to have one, I reminded myself how many hours I had got through and how good I would feel if I got through till tomorrow without having one - so - no smoke today at all!!  Yay me!!

I wont be able to post every day for the next few weeks and it may be a few days (at least) between posts but I'll be back and I will be a dedicated non-smoker.

xoxoxjxoxox

d-day

its day 9 on the Zyban and I'm still smoking.  I'm still feeling pretty confident though coz nearly every cig makes me gag in some small way so there is some change happening, maybe it will be slower than last time?  I've also noticed that I don't crave cigs atm, which is really a huge breakthrough.  I have smoked about 4 times more than usual this week but I figure that is just kind of 'saying goodbye' with a bang.  I need to clean my car out today coz it will realy reek of stale tobacco and I can't drive if I'm up-chucking at the wheel

bye xoxoxo

i quit!!!

I have made a choice and spoken to my doctor.  I feel scared, anxious and excited, all at the same time - I am going to be a non-smoker very soon.  My dr agreed to give me Zyban, which I successfully used 10 years ago and I started the course yesterday so hopefully, I quit in 7 more days - yay me!!  the tastes of everything are already changing for me (including cigarettes) and I am getting ultra excited at the thought of beating this again.  Addiction takes away power and control, addiction is self-abuse, even though it is not entirely conscious and has physical origins. I hate being addicted to anything at all and I have decided that I want my body back!!!  Freeing myself from nicotine addiction is the first step I am taking towards getting back a healthy, happy body.   one step forward - onwards and upwards!!!!!!!

I had to go off my anti-depressants for a week before I could start the Zyban and I am aware of the problems I may face.  I am also aware that I have been irritable (but not too much) and that I need to observe my moods and behaviours for the next couple of months.  Last time I quit! I had no concept of how to cope with all of the emotions that quitting brought up.  This time, I am well armed.  I have had about 1000 hours of counselling over the past 7 years as well as doing 14 self-development courses and training in mental health and trauma informed care, i now instruct others in how to self care and heal themselves.  I have never been in a better position to quit! smoking and I really want to do it.  I quit! smoking 10 years ago and I thought I would never go back but in 2003, when I had to decide to leave my kids and my marriage, I felt alone and terrified and thought i didn't have anyone to turn to who understood.  A small voice in my head (thanks guyz) said that cigarettes had always been there for me and maybe they could help again so i had one, with the intention of smoking till I got through the hell I was in and I swore it was only temporary - and it was - it's 7 years later and the phase has ended.  I am sincerely thankful to the cigs for their support but I have to move on and let go and by God, that is exactly what I intend to do - goodbye addiction - it's been a hell of a ride for us both. xoxo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, it's day 7 on the Zyban and so the quit day should/could be tomorrow.  I feel excited and I feel anxious and it's okay to feel my feelings, that will help me to quit too!  I feel anxious because I'm scared it wont work and I'll be still smoking next week/month/year.  I don't want that.  I really want my body back, and my feelings, my breath and my lungs.  I am praying that this works for me and I am aware that my smoking has trebled in the past week - maybe I'm trying to have as many as possible before I have no more?  It seems weird coz the week before, I cut my smoking in half - this past 7 days has more than made up for that.  Oh well, onwards and upwards xoxoxoxo

My amazing Brain

I was asked to write a booklet about Trauma Informed Care and it was a huge honour for me to do it.  i got to indulge my passion for research and writing as well as to respect my needs for self care and time flexibility.  I had a deadline but within that time frame, I was able to be flexible and pretty much be my own boss, I like life like that.  I finished the booklet yesterday and I have to say I am proud of it.  It appears to be well written, well set out, well thought out and informed, a big change for me actually.  I usually write without direction and I'm sure the big difference was having a frame around what was expected.  Ambiguous and vague direction creates a crisis in my brain because it seems to have a finite capabilty for processing information and with a challenge/question and no clear direction, it seems to turn into the widest ocean where all of the grains of sand mix, mingle and clash - my brain is awesome - I need to honour how it works and find things that suit my brain without trying to change it xoxoxo 

home again

got home again on Saturday arvo.  It was a slightly comical day as I agreed to drop a friend off at a train station on my way home and went in the wrong direction from the station which ended up adding 2 hours to my trip home.  It was good in that I was very mindful of my driving and not on auto-pilot like I usually am and I was also able to keep myself calm in a crisis and manouvre through city traffic alone and confidently - yay me :)  I treated myself to coffee with another friend after and a night out with a snuggle day today, watching hours of my fave shows.  Now I'm feeling relaxed, refreshed and hungry and tomorrow I'm out having a blood test and editing a booklet I've been writing for work, which I now have 3 days to get ready for printing - may not be on here for a while again but I will be back

xoxoxoxojxoxoxoxoxoxo

Health

Having spent a few days with my friends and feeling really sick while I did, I am beginning to cough less and hope more again.  I really hate being sick and I usually only suffer pain rather than illness so it is rare for me to get ill with anything but I have been sicker than I can remember being for a very long time and due to my car being off the road, 2 work periods being cancelled and no trips to the hydrotherapy pool, I was feeling extremely isolated and alone.
That was last month and this month is a new time.  I have a new project to focus on and new ideas and information to share while I wait for God to grant me back my car or an affordable alternative.  I have certainly gained empathy for people without vehicles who have to rely on public transport, not only is it unreliable , uncomfortable and unaffordable, it is also downright inconvenient and dehumanising.  Too bad if nature calls when you're on a bus.  Too bad if you feel sick on a train.  Too bad if you can't even get to a bank for cash to pay your fares, use your card an get charged extra - lots of staying home alone for me right now.  I wish I had a treadmill so that I could at least go for walks again, or that my body would miraculously heal itself so that I am allowed to walk up hills again without knowing I am encouraging time to speed up and lead me to disability.  xoxjxox

MHCC CONFERENCE (Sydney) 23 &24 June 2011

Got home last night, very exciting.  I took heaps of notes and have typed them up to share.  You can see my notes on the "Trauma, tips & tools" page of this blog.  Simply click on the link above. 

I'll be away until next Saturday for training so I hope everyoen is safe and well until then at least.

happy reading

xxjxx

still strugglin'

I have been virtually housebound for over a month now and I think I'm finally getting on top of my feelings of isolation and anger.  I have probably been feeling sorry for myself but hey, no one else is gunna feel sorry for me and if I can't empathise with myself in this time, how can i ask anyone else to anyway?  The money situation is still sh*tty and may even get worse before it gets better but I am still able to pay my share of the rent so I have what I need - just.  Just learned from phone co. yesterday that the phone bill was not paid back in May.  Stupid oversight and certainly an accident but now I gotta find 1/2 of that too, before June 29.  Oh well, just need to not spend anything at all between now and then.  I have my sons 21st in a little under a month and my car is still sitting in my driveway - i don't even know what is wrong with it yet coz I can't afford to get it to the mechanic OR for the mechanic to look at it and taxis are costing $12-$22 each time.  I have been using the bus where possible but I get sick every time and spend the whole trip trying not to throw up so that's fun - not.  Won't be leaving the house again now until Wednesday next week so I have a couple of things that need doing and I intend to use this time to get them done.

The thing I miss most right now is hydrotherapy.  I have been going 2 or 3 times a week for about 5 years now and it has helped so much.  I'm not allowed to use gym equipment or go to physiotherapy (specialist said 'never again') and I'm not supposed to walk up or down hills or stairs but the area I live in is nearly all hills so walking is a challenge here too and hurts my knees & back.  I feel like I am whining but all I am trying to convey is how trapped I feel without my car.  I had forgotten how difficult life is when I'm unable to even go out to buy milk.

I've been thinking again about living in the moment aqnd struggling with the concept - yet again - coz I don't see how it's possible when I have to budget money, time and energy well in advance right now.  Oh well, that's what counselling is for, so I'll work through that confusion next Wednesday, bye xoxoxox

Angels among us

I heard a song back in 2006 called "Angels Among Us" by Randy Travis & Allan Jackson.  I found it quite by accident too.  I was looking for new music to listen too and I decided to search the word 'angel'.  No great miracle but the song was immediately a favourite and for months afterwards, whenever I felt afraid, that song would start playing in my head to comfort me (and it worked, every time).  If you want to hear the song, it is on you-tube.
I have been reminded of this song today by a very dear friend who called me all the way from the other side of the country just to say hello and let me know she cares.  I feel very grateful to her for her call coz I have been very isolated lately, with scarcely any money and my car off the road indefinitely.  There is a part of the song which goes..."when life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees, there's always been someone, to come along and comfort me.  A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand, a phone call from a friend, just to say, I understand.  And aint it kinda funny, at the dark end of the road, that someone lights the way, with just a single ray of hope?"

Well, this song has helped me to believe there are angels among us.  In fact, I now believe that all people are angels helping each other.  Sometimes, they may behave in ways that I might not want to see as angelic and sometimes, I might even choose to believe their behaviour is cruel and hurtful but, looking back on my life and trauma, I can see how each person I have met (even the perpetrators) have aided me in some way - assisted me in coming to a place of unconditionality.  Oh, I'm not there yet and maybe I have a long way still to travel but I know I'm on the right road now and each person I have ever come into contact with (IRL or otherwise) has led me to love. 

I don't expect anyone to believe what I believe or to believe in what I believe in.  I just want to share my own faith and let the angels know, I believe, I love you and I am grateful to all you have given me.  My heart is so full of love and I promise to try my best to not judge others but to share the love I feel I've been given xoxoxojxoxoxoxo

wednesday

Although I am not writing new posts every day, I am updating this blog every day that I am able.  Either a poem, info, or a post, take a good look around before you leave coz ya never know what ya might find xoxoxojxoxoxo

Read me

I need to work out some way of getting people to read this blog.  Although I am not stupid or illiterate, I don't know a lot about online publishing but I have a strong feeling that this is the way I need to write - online.  Having just re-read a book of poems I wrote and have kept on my pc, I am more sure than ever that these poems need to be published and circulated but I haven't the foggiest idea where to start to make that happen.  That's why I've added a 'poems' page here but now I need to get people to read them and comment - if you're reading this, please recommend my blog to your friends IRL and online so more people take a look - I need this to happen xoxojxoxoxo

anx-tweet

just renewed my twitter acc and feel nervous about the idea tht someone may actually read my blog - I mean, that is why it's here but still, I feel nervous and thats okay.  My truth has the capacity to upset a few people and although I am aware of that, I know my intention is not to cause pain for them but to set myself free.  Hundreds, if not thousands of people all over the world are publishing accounts of childhood trauma and I deserve the same chance - my guyz deserve the chance for the story to be told so bugger it, here goes - Hello Twitterverse!!!

Charter for Compassion

Since my ultimate goal in life now is to BE unconditional love and reach the temple of TOTAL non-judgement, I happily support the concept of this charter.  I think I will make it into a poster for myself to guide me where I want & choose to go.  You can view the Charter for Compassion here: <iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wktlwCPDd94" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I have been to a place where blame was necessary for a time in order to heal but I never wanted to stay in that place and reminded myself along the way that I would move out of that place as soon as I felt ready.  I have never wanted to become a victim and although I did become one, I fought hard to stop being one as soon as I became aware that I was one.  I have many fears and many faults but I am brave and strong and what has happened to me has made that possible.  I refuse to go through my whole life filled with bitterness, regret, hatred, malice or revenge in my heart - I choose love, for those who love me and those who don't; for those who have supported me and for those who have hurt me; for those who have stood by me and for those who have let me down; for those who have been honest with me and for those who have lied; I choose love - for i believe everyone is love at the core, sometimes we just forget it and I am now 'coming home' to that core.

xoxoJxoxo

well, my life is certainly nuts atm, my car is dead, my pc is trying to die and I have cold sores all through my nostrils and mouth from lupus. I'm constantly broke and I am trying to remain positive while recognising that if I do feel depressed, that's okay too and when I remember to go into that depression willingly, it lifts off me without effort or pain. I believe this time for me is a time for me to learn and I feel confident that is happening. Last night, I felt truly terrible and confused and I realised a few issues I still have around money. I've done so much healing in so many areas of my life, about so many issues that I had pretty much forgotten to heal the money stuff and was not even really aware there were any more issues around it although, I had my suspicions coz I have not been able to attract any to me :}
So, I have realised that money may be the domain of my critical parent (inner). Money seems to give me reasons to blame, scold and punish myself, deny myself, despair, rage and I have huge control/lack of control with money - feast or famine. I had less than no money as a child and, when I left home at 15, that did not improve. I learned how to micro-budget very successfully and later, when I had a $50,000 p/a job, I had all that I needed but still no money?????? That gave me a good excuse to beat up on myself though so I guess I got what I wanted out of it.
I realised last night that although I have lightened up a lot about money, I still beat up on myself when I can't afford something or when a bill comes in, or, that I struggle to survive on a part pension and a casual income that is half volunteer work. I'm not sure why I hadn't noticed this before coz I am much more self aware now than I ever was before, guess I had too much to be aware of already and it probably was not time before but I'm sure it is now (to be aware). Of course, now I have shifted my awareness, things are improving just since this morning!!! (as they do, I have found).
2 little acts of kindness today almost had me in tears: my father drove me to an appointment and when hearing I had only $5 to get home, he gave me $50. He used to give me that for birthdays but has not done it for a couple of years now and NEVER gives me money out of the blue (or at any other time). This is mainly because of my attitude and I was reminded of that by someone else recently too - I don't like to accept money without being able to pay it right back???? This is why, instead of declaring bankruptcy a few years back, even though I was advised to by a financial counsellor, I used all of my super and victims of crime compensation to pay back every cent. $40,000 as well as fortnightly payments for 6 years, what a waste! I feel very grateful to my Dad for not giving up on me yet and for giving me that money today.
Also today, the appointment I was going to was with the dentist. I went yesterday but she was away. I was charged $45 anyway and told to come back today - I was so distraught! I have been paying $25 a week to them to prepay some work and it seems that now (coz I have worked so hard and healed so much) I am too healthy to qualify for an EPC from my doctor anymore so the crowns I was pre-paying are not gunna happen but I've already paid $950!! Anyhoo, I went in today and my lovely dentist Loreen Akram, gave me 2 temporary fillings and agreed to me continuing to pay so I can get 1 crown done and she did not charge me for todays visit or work. So, I got a visit, clean, 2 temp fillings for zero dollars!!!! I almost cried and I still am blown away by her compassion and empathy. I have been seeing her for over 3 years now and she is a truly beautiful soul who has always shown me this kind of care. I feel blessed now and that's okay too.
I wonder what else I willlearn about my co-dependent, abusive relationship with money........
onwards and upwards hey what :}

Lucia Cappachione

"we will never cure the epidemic of child abuse in the outer world until we stop abusing the Child in our inner world"...( Recovery of Your Inner Child - page 22)...

cosmic week!!

What a week I've had!!  Thankfully I have learned a lot over the past few years and was able to surf the tide of this week, keeping in mind all the while that it would end and a new tide is bound to turn.  I think a week like this would have once defeated me but I am okay today and looking forward to next week!  The week started on Friday 13 actually.  I still believe that Friday 13 is my lucky day so I do not think the date had anything to do with it, more likely to be coz it was a full moon this week, I say.  Anyhoo, Friday 13, I forgot what day it was and missed a session of my new group.  2nd session - got lucky there coz both group leaders were away too :}...then, email acc played up all weekend and I couldn't log in (lucky nothing important in there)...Tuesday I go to start my car and she doesn't wanna play, no clutch fluid (again), so I fill it up but decide not to risk a long drive in this car and call a taxi...taxi late and overcharges me....get to where I'm going, host is sick and I don't see em hardly at all (really good friend)...Wednesday, meetings all day and find out no professional supervision this time (bummed but okay about that)...while all this is happening, Ive come down with the flu too, feel sick as a dog and wanna curl up in bed and die, but........luck turns, wed night meeting cancelled so accepted lift from bff to train station so I can hotfoot it home again and go to bed....try to drive Thursday night but gears wont engage and seems too risky to me to try so, come home, park the car and decide to get transport to group next day....missed the bus...got a taxi and then had lunch after group, walking to dr and BANG!  4 cars crash into each other right beside me!...continue on (after doing community responsible thing and talk to cops)...get to dr and she says I am not sick enough any more to qualify for EPC so I can get my teeth fixed but, gotta have fasting tests for thyroid, cholesterol and blood sugars (without a car?)...decide, bugger it, catch taxi 2 kms to get nails done (figure I deserve a treat), $20 infills have now cost me $50...so, no car, no money, no likelihood of either one changing either...good luck is just around the corner - it has to be, I need it to be, please God?...anyhoo, xoxoxoxo

why have I chosen to believe in God? (may be traumatic for some to read)

There are people in my life who think I've been brain washed and others who think I have gone insane and am being 'led' by crazies but you know what?   What other people think of me is none of my business!!  I know I am mentally healthy now, probably for the first time too.  I do take daily medication which helps me to sleep and stay focused but has no drowsy-making or crazy-making side effects and I have been taking it for about 5 years now.  I had the dose halved about 12 months ago and I feel good most of the time.  So why do I choose to believe in God?  Did someone put the idea in my head?  I don't believe that is why....
As a child, I went to church for about a year.  It was an Anglican church in a small town and I went there on Sundays with my younger brother and sister.  The children in the congregation sat at the feet of the minister, drawing and colouring in as he delivered his sermon and then joined the adults in the adjoining hall for a light morning tea afterwards.  I used to love that time away from home, hearing about a God who could replace the father I had recently lost and about his son Jesus, who loved all children.  i prayed and dreamed of a day when I could meet these wondrous people and escape the nightmare I called life...I was only 5.
I remember times when I preached at my mother and how angry she would get.  I also remember feeling very confused at being told I had to go to church to be close to God coz it seemed to me that if God was everywhere, then I could talk to Him anywhere.  At some point, when I was about 9, I began to believe that I was evil, the idea came from my limited understanding of the 10 commandments..according to my young mind, my mother broke almost all of the commandments every day and so that made her evil - I figure then that because she broke them over and over and when I preached at her about it, became angry, gleeful and weird, that maybe she was actually THE devil - by my childish reasonings, if she was the devil and I was her child, that made me devils spawn.  I had no real concept of what spawn was but my fear and terror when I reached that conclusion was very real and I carried it inside me until about 3 years ago, without even consciously being aware of it.  Coz I stopped going to church at about 6 and had the Roman Catholic childrens bible for my reference point, as well as about a year with the Queensland mailbox bible club, my religious exposure was confused and limited and maybe even unhelpful.  Add to that the ecumenical and compulsory RE classes in some of the primary schools I attended and I was pretty muddled on the subject Of spirituality and religion.  Like a lot of people, I thought they meant the same thing.
At the age of 15, I lost my best friend in my lap and I swore (out loud) that I hated God and would never believe again.  I could not comprehend how any God could take an angel like that from so many people who adored her and would miss her, when the obvious choice of who to take had been me - no one would miss me at all and certainly did not love me, as far as I was concerned - so I turned my back on God and all that He represented.  It took me a while to change my heart coz I had spent so many moments praying to God alone that whenever things went wrong I found myself praying without thinking and I would get really angry and take it back, vowing never to believe again.
That went pretty well I thought.  My life was miserable for most of the next 25 years.  I was dreadfully unhappy a lot of the time but I had already faced that it would be and I resigned myself to just getting some courage and doing it till it was done.  The only concession i granted God in those times, was the gift of my kids.  I always believed they were gifts from God and even in my agnostic years, I believed that with all my heart (weird, I know).
The crunch came in 1998.  I was spiralling out of control mentally, emotionally and physically and then I lost my father-in-law to suicide as well as a beloved uncle to cancer, all in the space of 4 weeks.  I collapsed in on myself and went into a psychiatric facility for 6 days, only to lose my beloved Grandmother to sudden death the day after I came home.  That shut me down almost completely and the only thing I refused to stop caring about was my kids.  It was as if I no longer had enough energy to live any more but I was so worried about my babies and I made the effort to give them loads and loads of hugs even if I couldn't do another thing - and pretty much, for the next 6 months, I couldn't so much more than that.  I lost all interest in everything I had enjoyed before, I stopped watching tv and movies, reading, going anywhere, seeing anyone, I wouldn't even talk on the phone (to anyone) unless it was really important and I hardly ever thought anything was important enough.
I remember standing in my loungeroomcoz He gave up on me, years ago.  That's the last thing I want to do.  I used to pray and pray to God to help me and He never did, no way".  Suddenly, my mind began replaying all of the prayers from my childhood, on at a time, and while those prayers were replaying, I was seeing how each one had in fact been answered - EVERY PRAYER I HAD EVER UTTERED HAD BEEN ANSWERED - I just hadn't ever noticed.  Some of my prayers were answered quickly and some not, some were obviously what I had asked for and some not so obvious but every single one had been heard and answered - I was sure of it in that moment.  I cried then.  I cried for me and I cried for God.  How could I have been so blind?  I opened my heart and prayed: "God, if you really are real and I'm still not sure if you are yet, if you care about me at all, and I'm not sure you would want to after all I've done and said, but God, please help me to escape this hell I'm in, help me to help myself coz I dunno if I can take anymore and I dunno what else to do, please God, I won't make any promises I can't keep but I will say that if you just help me to help myself and my kids, I'll open my heart to you again and do whatever I can to keep it open. Amen"
I was scared and shaken and still stunned by the earlier revelations about my childhood prayers and I wanted so much to discount it all and say I was psycho but something in my heart told me this was real and I tried really hard not to pull it all apart and make it nothing.  I went to bed and as always, I tossed and turned for hours before dozing into my 4 or 5 hours of dreamless sleep that was my lot.  The next night, I realised that if  was going to get any better, I needed sleep.  How could any person survive unscathed on a few hours a night?  I had been insomniac for years and I'd had enough.  I began to say "The Lord's Prayer".  Why not, it couldn't hurt and it might even help.  I still took hours to get to sleep but I felt a bit better.  I decided I was starting too big and I would get my kids to help me next day so I did.  My kids went to a Catholic school coz I wanted them to know God so they could decide for themselves.  I never intended for them to BE catholic, I just figured that if they knew nothing at all about any God, they could hardly make an informed choice on what they did or did not want to believe in.  I asked my kids to teach me a childrens prayer, something simple.  Since my kids were 8 and 5 at that time, they only knew simple ones anyway.  That night, I began: "Now I lay me, Down to sleep, I pray the lord, My soul to keep, If I should die, Before I wake, I pray the lord, My soul to take, Amen".  I tried for weeks and my mind would wander off onto other things almost straight away but I persevered and tried eve to visualise images for the words which I really found hard but, after about 6 months, I realised I rarely got to Amen anymore, because I fell asleep!!  And you know what, any time I struggle to get to sleep, I say that prayer and I'm asleep in moments.  Most night's I say it anyway coz I love God and I love myself and it feels respectful and loving to say that prayer.  I don't care how old I get, or what anyone else thinks of me - me and my God have an understanding and it carries me on wings of love and faith and I will never turn my back on God again, just as He never actually left me.

In June 2003, I had an experience that re-strengthened my belief in God, although I din't see it straight away.  I'm not sure why but I must have forgotten God again, or maybe I just wanted to be with God so badly, and didn't realise I can be with God anytime, I'm really not sure.  I was at the very bottom of an enormous pit and could see no way out.  I had been attempting suicide over and over for weeks and hadn't told a soul.  I wasn't interested in crying out for help - I wanted to die and escape the pain of being but, there came a point when I realised that I did not want to die, I just couldn't stop trying to make it happen.  I rememeber telling my doctor finally and saying to him: "I don't want to die.  I feel like there is a murderer inside me and I can't get away from them".  I did not understand why I said that, it was just how I felt at the time.  I really didn't want to die but felt compelled to keep trying to suicide.  I was terrified and felt no hope.  I truly believed that my kids were the ones paying the price for me holding onto life so hard and I wanted more than anything to make things better for them, the trouble is, I thought the most loving thing I could do for my kids was to die.  One day, I decided I was through 'attempting', that I had to make up my mind and get this right.  I told a friend I was dying and then went for a walk, where I bought 48 paracetamol tablets and a 6 pack of overproof bundy mixers.  I went to the public loos and downed the lot and then I drove home, got a pair of pj pants, a big knife, a slab of booze, anti depressants and drove to my favourite spot by the river.  I figured I would try every method available and if all else failed, I could drive into the river, thereby overcoming any unconscious will to live.  Sad, I know, but I was desperate.  I was determined to get it right - finally - and stop 'mucking around' (as I told myself I had been up until now).  I had no idea that it was out of my hands at that stage.  As I drove along the bank, I noticed that the water was up too high for me to go where I had intended so I turned away from the river to go back to another spot I knew and.......... my car got bogged!  I screamed, swore and cried.  Eventually I got out and put the pj pants in the tailpipe and getting back in the car, turned on the ignition.  I opened a can of beer and sat holding the knife.  I was very scared of cutting myself again (as I had tried this a week ago and it hurt) but I was so angry with myself too, why couldn't I do this one thing for my kids if I loved them so much?  I was freezing cold so I turned the heater on and, realising I had been there for a while, I wondered why nothing was happening yet.  I though maybe I could try to un-bog the car and got out to have a look.  Imagine my fury when I saw that the pants had flown out of the exhaust pipe.  I stuffed them back in and got baqck in the car, wet, cold and angry, determined.  Turning the ignition, I heard a distinctive 'pop' from the back.  I got out to have a look and sure enough, the pants had flown free again.  I jammed them in as hard as I could and re-started the car - another 'pop'.  I screamed my frustration and decided to forget that idea, I had many more.  As I considered each one, I began to feel sick and cold.  I was shaking so hard with the cold that my teeth were chattering and I was aching from shaking.  I took another sip of beer and almost heaved.  I knew if I was sick, the tablets would come up so I tossed the booze away, and the knife, and sat crying.  I was tired and desolate and cold and I needed this to work.  I could not face another day of my miserable, painful life.  I decided to turn the heater on for a while coz I was at least entitled to die in comfort, right?  I dozed on and off and eventually, I looked at the clock, I had been there for 5 hours!  I figured 8 hours was long enough to do the trick (some info my poor unsuspecting dr had shared) and I began to rejoice - I was finally doing it, I was getting this right this time!  I had already considered the possibilty that I might feel tempted to use my mobile phone to tell someone so I had discounted that possibly coz I had no credit.  Now though, 5 hours after arriv ing at the river, I was feeling ravenously hungry and I convinced myself that even someone on death row would be granted a last meal.  I thought about it for a while, although I felt delirious, and eventually, I called 000 and asked for a peice of cheese.  I feel so sorry now for the poor, dear woman who took that call and she was an angel.  I had no problem telling her where I was and what I had done coz all of my focus was on my imagined last meal and I was ure it was too late for anyone to help me anyway.  How wrong I was.  An ambulance eventually arrived and got bogged too - funnily enough, it was me who told them how to get un-bogged and we made our way to hospital, some 60 minutes away.  By my calculations, by the time we arrived, it would be too late for medical staff to do anything and that was fine by me.  I very nearly succeeded and it took me a long time to consider that perhaps God had a hand in my surviving that night.  I had to be monitored for a year until the effects on my liver had healed and by then, I was mortified at just how close I came to succeeding in my quest.  I wish that suicide was not ever considered by anyone and especially me.  It is such a final and permanent decision and affects so many people, causes so much pain and anguish.  It was so hard in the grip of suicidality to see how much others loved and needed me and so easy to convince myself that no one would care, notice or miss me.  I was wrong.  I survived that night and soon after, I began to see another way out of the pain and I grabbed that instead and I'm still holding on.  You see, I realised that instead of dying, I could change it all.  I don't know why I never saw that before then.  Maybe I did see it but didn't feel I had the power to change anything.  Maybe surviving that night was what I needed to see some sort of flicker of hope.  I dont know but now, my life is spent giving people the information and support they need to step into their own lives and make whatever changes they need to make to want to stay alive.  I have devoted myself and my life to God in this way and I could think of no greater purpose and no greater joy.  I still struggle with guilt over what I have put my kids through and I wish it could have been different for them.
Although it has been suggested to me as I have healed, that spirituality is an important part of healing, no one has ever tried to tell me what to believe in or who God should be for me and I think that is important too.  I believe that people need spirituality but I also believe that is every persons right and privilege to find that for themselves and express that in their own way.  I would never want to tell anyone else what to believe in and I have had that role-modelled to me for the past 7 years.  That has been a most invaluable gift and experience for me and it has opened my own mind, eyes and heart to a spirituality that means more than any religion.  I have no religion, I have spirit, and I have a belief that sustains me, a faith that carries me and  God that loves me, I am blessed and I am grateful and I really do not care what anyone thinks of me for believing what I believe.  xoxoxo thank you God, I love you xoxoxo

stop running

God showed me His plan for me and I started running!  It took me about 3 years to realise this had happened and it came to me without anyone else being involved, in fact, I hadn't told anyone about it coz I was too scared to give power to it in words!  Once I owned it out loud, I felt relieved but I've just realised today that although I owned it and accepted it, I am still running from it and almost hoping it wont happen.  Weird, coz I know it will happen and nothing will stop it but also, I can do it the easy way or the hard way and lets face it, I've done most things the hard way so do I follow the path of least resistane and jump in, creating anxiety for my brain by expecting too much of myself or, do I keep taking tiny baby steps like I've been taught now - that has worked well so far (better than the first alternative has) and keep plodding along?  Guess I've answered my own question.  Now I just need to decide if I plod along and self-care, will I be able to resist the urge to beat up on myself 10 years from now when I look back and see how much easier and faster I could have done it?  Choices!!!!

u-oh, I've been thinking again :}

A thought just came to me that amazed and astounded me and I feel so excited by it, I am almost bursting to share.

The brain and nervous system are made up of billions of cells called neurons and these neurons send out information into the spaces between neurons, via chemicals and hormones, which tell the other neurons around it to either get excited or go to sleep.  (very basic, sorry).  Until recently, scientists believed that the neurons we are born with are all we have and they slowly die off over our lifespan.  In 2000, it was recognized that this is not so.  We can grow new neurons and the ones we have can change the way they communicate, which means we can heal problems in our brain cells!! 

If we are unwell, mentally, emotionally or physically, it can also be traced back to neurons in some way.  It has been proven over and over again that trauma (which is emotional in origin anyway) physically effects the brain.  Trauma can cause blindness, deafness, migraine, depression, chronic fatigue and lots of other so-called physical states.  Too much of this and the body/mind begins to break down and decay.

For more info on this sort of info, you might like to read “Waking The Tiger” by Peter A Levine; “The Brain That Heals Itself” by Norman Doidge; “Does Stress Damage The Brain” by J Douglas Bremner; “The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy” by Louis Cozolino; or even search the net coz there is some easy-to-understand info out there which I find really fascinating and helpful to know.

The thought that came to me today was:  What if the planet is an analogy for all this?

A few years ago, I read a book called “Your Body is the Barometer to Your Soul so be Your Own Doctor II” by Annette Noontil.  Annette wrote about how the planet is suffering from our lack of care and trying to wake us up and heave us off with earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, floods and other natural disinters.  It got me to thinking and I like the analogy in that.  Annette even writes a section in her book about how the problems with our cars can be traced back to our own thinking and emotional states, teaching us how to heal our lives.  I carried her book with me for two years and I found it so very useful.  I still look at my car that way and I still believe I am healing my body this way too.

That thought I had today though: What if the planet is an analogy for all this?

Suddenly my mind raced ahead (as it often does).  What if the planet is the mind/body and people are like the neurons?  We send out info into the spaces between us both verbally and non-verbally which either excites or inhibits those around us and, when the messages are mixed, wrong or confused, problems occur (just as they do in the brain).  So then, the neurons (people) are working hard to ensure homeostasis (natural function) and automatic, unconscious things are taken care of, without much awareness or mindful effort.  Things that are not unconscious or automatic require learning, flexibility, adaptation, patience, mindfulness, emotional and cognitive maturity, and application.

This is the same in the brain too.  The brain performs unconscious, automatic processes like heart beat, blood pressure, temperature control, thirst, hunger, sexual impulses, etc.  We don’t use the thinking or feeling parts of our brain to do this.  It just gets done.

Emotions or feelings are a way that our brain can tell us if we are okay or not, they are like a translator for us and they cause reactions within us.  When we feel good and healthy, our brain is probably doing okay.  When we feel miserable or in pain, our brain may not be coping so well and so our feelings are designed to alert us to this.  In today’s world of constant distraction and pressure, a lot of us have stopped paying any attention to feelings at all, or like me, stopped feeling all together. 

Our thinking brains are useful to help us understand, empathise, control urges, respond and consider.  This is supposedly what separates us from animals (not here to talk about creationism vs. science and don’t mean any offence).

So, back to my analogy.  If the planet is a global representation of humans and humans are an individual representation of the planet, then I can learn from the planet about my body, mind and spirit.  Learn what I need and don’t need.  This makes me feel really happy coz for a long time I have felt disheartened about this learning.  I would bemoan the fact that I have this amazing body to live in but haven’t any clue on how it works or what it needs to function at it’s optimum level.  Now I can employ environment to ‘home’ and vice versa.

Like the planet, when my body has had enough and can’t take anymore, it will try to wake me up with earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, tidal waves and more, in the guise (for me) of cluster headaches, spinal problems, arthritis, incontinence, asthma, pain and depression.

I look forward to the moments ahead as I learn from this great, amazing planet and absorb what she has to teach, while respecting and restoring her in kind along the way.

Dr Wayne W Dyer: "judging others does not define them - it defines you."

Carl Jung: "everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
Dr Phil: "there's somthing about you I just don't like about me." USA 1st yr psycholgy

 

scattered today

I feel scattered today and that's okay.

I've just read Lost Boy by Brent Jeffs and I'm glad I did coz I was able to relate to so many of his feelings from his childhood and it reminded me of how the effects of trauma are equally pervasive no matter what the experience that caused them.

Trauma has phisical as well as psychological effects and the physical health problems I have now can actually be directly linked to the effects of trauma.

I want to say too, that Jhundis story may be too detailed for some and if this is you, please stop reading.  I need to write this story for my own peace and healing and it has been suggested to me that many people will gain something from reading it.  This is not for people to vicariously traumatise themselves in reading it!  Please take responsibility for keeping your self safe and know when you have read enough.
I am finding this exercise very therapeutic and have no desire to hurt another with my story.

much love xxjxx

what now/next?

Well, I feel scared and that's okay.  I have finally taken a big step ntoward a lifelong dream and passion and now have Jhundi's story happening.  I'm still trying to work out how to use a blog and get the settings the way I want them but I taught myself everything else about pc's (including how to build and repair them) so I will learn as I go coz that's what I do :P
Yesterday, I decided to add "adsense" to my site so I can (hopefully) earn a little bit of money as I go.  If you find yourself following Jhundi's story or getting some benefit out of the information about the effects of trauma on the brain, please consider clicking on the ads on here as each click helps me out so I can keep writing - God bless xxxjxxx

Price Tag

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Feelings???

Feelings are a way I can 'know' myself.  Until 2004, I didn't know I had any feelings besides numb and bliss.  At one point, I thought I must have bi-polar because it seemed to me like I was depressed and suicidal one day and then deliriously excited the next.  I could not have conceived that there were a whole range of emotions in between and I certainly would never have thought that I had any feelings but those 2 - how I have changed!!

I have been treated for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sucide attempts, self-harm and been suspected of having borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar!  I don't have any of these problems and the behaviours/symptoms no longer exist either!  I am healthy and sane and I have been tested to prove it!

When I first became 'educated' and 'informed' of what feelings it is possible for me to have, I went too far and decided that there were only 4 feelings - love, anger, sadness and fear (because I read it somewhere and liked the simplicity of that).  I gradually realised that feelings have hues and shades like color does and decided to lighten up on myself (and my feelings) and allow myself the opportunity to explore the less extreme emotions and gentler tones within.

Michael Leunig http://www.leunig.com.au/biography/  is a cartoonist, philosopher, poet and artist who writes delightful and simple books and I love his idea that there are only 2 feelings - LOVE and FEAR.  I also love that, as a unique individual, I have a range of hundreds if not thousands of emtional shades in between these two feelings.  I've even got lists of feelings.  I have lists of feeling words and lists of feeling pictures.  I have even explored color co-ordinating my feelings and I recently discovered that I FEEL music too.  Sometimes, I hear a song in my head and it helps me to work out how I am feeling.  When I listen to music of any kind, I can find my feelings changing as I listen or that I am feeling something more fully.  I have a very diverse music collection ranging across cultures, themes and time.  There is not may musical sounds and combinations I don't like and my heart leads me to choose music depending on the purpose I need music for.   For this I am grateful because there is no comparison for me between feeling overwhelmingly numb and grievously sad.  I would much rahter feel grief than numbness ANY day!

I have learned to accept what I am feeling and honour the feeling.  To really feel my feelings.  I have a long way to go and I still miss a lot of my feelings but I have a goal to feel them all as they arise and I trust that I will acheive my goal coz I know me well enough to know that.  I've also learned how to manage my feelings - instead of my feelings managing me - I have learned a very simple and effective tool which is known as "DE-TRIGGERING".  I learned it from a wonderful place called The Heal For Life Foundation  http://healforlife.com.au/  .  "DE-TRIGGERING" helps me to function in a healthy way and not take anything that anyone else says or does too personally.  It helps to calm my mind.   Whenever I have flashbacks or nightmares; when I am unable to think; when I am overwhelmed; when i want to rage at someone or run in terror' I "DE-TRIGGER" and I can function again.

There are 3 steps to "DE-TRIGGER":

1 Recognise I've been 'triggered'

2 Speak the feeling ("I feel, sad, scared, angry, etc)

3 Validate the feeling/s - tell myself it's okay to feel the way I am feeling

There are physical reasons why this works but I am not going to go into that right now.  Let me say that this is a marvelous tool for me and I don't dare to think where I would be today if I had not had the privilege of learning about it and learning to use it.  I know it works for me in the car, at the shops, in the bathroom, at the airport, with other people, alone, anywhere and everywhere and that makes me feel safe and in control of myself.  It has helped me to trust myself and others more and it has helped me understand myself better too.  Looking into someone's eyes when I say the feeling is recommended and I've also found I can do it as a visualisation in a fraction of a second so there really is nowhere I can't use this tool!  I love that!!!!!

Anyhoo, that's all I've got time for now.  Perhaps there will be more to this later and perhaps not.

cya xoxoxo

Why Jhundi?

A dear friend, who is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, began calling me Jhundi soon after we met and it is the first 'nickname' I have taken no offense to.  I'm not sure if it means anything but I have decided to adopt that name for now and see how long it lasts.

My heart has told me to create this blog and it is my first ever attempt.  I don't know why I need to do this or what will become of it but I do know to trust my heart.  It has been a long journey of discovery and very hard but oh so very worthwhile to and I am committed to my heart now in every way so HEART - this one's for you xoxoxo Jhundi xoxoxo