11 Jul 2012

Hangin in there

I'm still working, still loving it!
Life is hectic right now and I'm not sure I would be okay with my faith. I'm feeling lonely but with faith and my inner family I don't feel alone.

I've had some HUGE challenges and although I'm sure there are better ways to handle a lot of them I feel I have remained true to myself which is a big improvement on days of old. I feel very proud that I no longer need to blame others for the way that I feel at any time because I know now that I am responsible for the way that I feel!! It has taken a long time to learn that and I'm glad I can own it now. I feel really sad at how many people I must have hurt over the years I was a victim and blamed and dumped on everyone who have me any scrap of attention. I truly regret causing anyone pain and that's the one thing I would change if I could.

I've been beating up on myself again because I can't seem to be who or want the people around me seem to expect but I'm realizing that now at least, I CAN be ME!! Anyone who doesn't like that needs to look to themselves.

I know that I love loyally, care deeply, feel passionately and try determinedly. I take things very literally because it's how I feel safe. If I say what I mean and mean what I say, I hurt less and I don't hurt as many other people. Sometimes I feel scared that people are judging me. What other people think of me is none of my business. I wish that everyone I love could see into my heart and see the true, unconditional love I have and I wish I knew how to show that but we all interpret things our own way so it's probably just a hopeful dream to think that will happen.

I thank God that I did not succeed in my numerous suicide attempts all those years ago and that I now can love life. I feel grateful that there are people who ARE taking the time to get to really know me coz they are guiding my spirit and restoring my hope in dreams. Some small part of me still feels sad that I can't do the hundreds of things I need to do each day and answer 76 emails while I make 10 phone calls and answer 24 more in between rosters and spreadsheets and meetings and a crisis or 3, oh, and eat my lunch over the top of the chaos coz theres no time for breaks.

I've lost 5 people in my life recently and they all went unexpectedly. I've also had big shocks over 2 more and l have not been sleeping great. I'm aware that I need to make changes and I have begun too - it feels scary to own that I have needs now but I love me too now and I need to behave like I do.

CYA next time (RIP Jo) xxxxx