Lessons of 2015

At the end of each year I spend time mindfully reflecting on what I have gained from the year and what I want the next year to be about for myself – my underlying intention for the next 12 months. I have found that this helps me on many levels:  I can look for the lessons in my year and even better – try to find the positives – the blessings out of everything and, I can create a conscious and unconscious goal for the year ahead, set my mind towards continuing growth.  I find that by doing this, I can let go of anything I don’t want to keep carrying into the ‘new life’ of a new year and I therefore can also choose what I want to hold onto and take into my future.  I have also found that as I grow, life provides me with clues to lead me closer to my True Self, my highest aspiration, my Souls purpose.  Patterns exist all around if I pay attention and I can glean tips from accepting that in Unity, we are all experiencing the same things in different ways.  

In 2014, I realised that there were signs pointing to me needing to devote more of my attention to my self, particularly to the infant part of me and the feelings of powerless terror that the original infant me was unable to fully experience feeling as a newborn infant.  I have learned over time that in order for my spirit to fully grow, I need to heal the pain I have carried within me throughout my life and learn to let it go again.  While many people may already know how to do this, I did not and I know that I need to take my own journey of learning how to.  Although I did not think it would be easy to do this, I felt ready and I believe that I am worth it so I accepted the task and stepped into this year.  I knew that physiologically I would have to experience rage at some point in order for this process to be completed and I was very aware that I did not want to lash out at others from that point of rage.  I felt confident that I have worked on myself enough to trust that I am not a ‘lashing out’ kind of person and I can trust me to not be cruel to others.  I also felt sure that I could now trust me to not be as cruel to myself as I once was.

Even so, 2015 has been much bigger for me that I would have ever imagined it could be and there have been times when I wanted to give up and run screaming back to my unconscious comfort zone of victim consciousness.  I had not realised until I was in the middle of it just how scary and lonely it could be and I suppose I had thought that I would be okay surrounded by the love I thought I had in my life.  What I had not recognised or pondered was that it might all disappear so that I could be there for myself without temptation.  As I have healed, I have had angels all around me to show me the way, guide me and help me and in 2015, that all fell away so that I had my faith, my 2 best friends and my self.  For half a year, I had virtually no one else and nothing else to turn to and I made it through.  Not only did I ‘survive’, I am proud of myself, I love myself more and I have learned things I never dreamed possible about myself, others and the world.  My heart and mind have opened up even more than before and I have had realisations which have changed my whole world view in a blissful and amazing way.

Once upon a time, I would have described 2015 as one of the worst years of my life but I cannot describe it that way today because all that pain, suffering, terror, powerlessness and loss has given me gifts I cannot even measure yet.  These gifts include having more self love, compassion, empathy, unity, mindfulness, confidence, faith, love, hope, passion, serenity, understanding, forgiveness, humility and trust.  In 2015, I walked away from all that I had felt safe with and trusted God to lead me and I gained my self and my self respect.  I gained faith and trust.  I allowed God to provide.  I have lived without a steady income since August (not even government benefits).  My amazing husband has done odd jobs when possible so we can eat but other than that, has amazingly supported me in my journey of faith and trust so that I can have the courage to believe in my self.  Without his faith in me, I would have probably given up in fear and I cannot begin to describe what the gift of his love has been for me, especially this year.  He even married me this year in the middle of all this upheaval and chaos, which gave me something joyful to hold onto in the darkest times.  To my other close friend, I also cannot describe what a gift your faith in me has been, knowing that you ‘know’ who I am and did not forget that during all this has been amazing and I love you dearly.  I was determined to love myself through this no matter what it cost me and these 2 people have provided the support and love for me to do that, I will never forget it.  Thank you.

There are others to who have been there for an hour here and there this year and each of those hours has helped too.  I hope that everyone knows how much even one hour of your time might truly help another human being because on those days when each of these people were there for an hour with me, some of them saved my sanity in that hour and some of them lifted me to the greatest heights of joy.  There were still others who, through being real with me, supported me into gaping holes of despair – which is exactly what I needed right then so I could more fully experience the powerless terror that I had intended to so I thank you all too. I once would have described you and your behaviour quite differently and would have blamed you for my pain but that is how big this year has been for me and I am truly, truly grateful for every single minute.

Like I said, 2015 has been a huge year for me and today as it ends, I let go of all blame and pain.  I let go of all victim-consciousness.  I let go of all self-hatred, self-loathing, self-denial and separation.  I let go of the need for approval, acceptance and attachment.  This year has brought me realisations that have irrevocably changed my life forever.  2015 has given me everything I asked it to and I look forward to a new life in a new year.  Tomorrow I will reflect more onm what I want 2016 to be about for me.  I hope and pray that your year has brought you gifts of some kind too.  Happy New Year.

Powerlessness is an illusion created by the ego. The ego wants us to believe that we're powerless, because if we believe that about ourselves then the ego feels more powerful. Our soul knows that we are not powerless but because we have an ego we struggle to find balance. Today I choose to believe that my ego has got it wrong. I love my ego but I don't agree with it.

Over the past 10 years I have worked really hard to try to learn how to be a nurturing parent to myself. This has involved learning how to be firm, how to be loving, and how to not disempower, to not rescue, to not abandon my Self.  I have made lots and lots of mistakes, which means I've learned a lot, the biggest thing I've learned is that I am worth it and that no one else can tell me what I need in order to make it happen for me.  I've learned that when I don't nurture me, I will project that abandonment out onto the people around me. I've also learned that when other people are not nurturing their inner child, they will project that out onto the world around them including me. Over time this will hopefully help me to take the behavior of others much less personally and start to see the abandoned child in side of them although, I'm also learning that if my inner child is not abandoned, I may not see the abandoned child in others. That is for them to see for themselves. 

Today I'm imagining that there are hundreds or even thousands of 'me's across a vast array of times and dimensions. That every thought I think about me here and now affects one of those 'me's elsewhere right now. In divine unity, oneness with God, every person I meet is one of those 'me's and every judgment I make about me or anyone else has an immediate impact on Me.  In my past addiction to self-hatred, I scolded, berated, castigated, judged, beat and bashed myself with my thoughts.  I was a viscous, unempathic persecutor to Me and in my ignorance, I projected this out onto others so they reflected those behaviors back to me and I still could not see Me clearly. Now, as my eyesight fails noticeably, I am looking squarely into that mirror and really seeing the truth of who I am and although it's painful, it's also magnificent. Now that I can see my light and my shadow, I truly love Me and feel compassion for Me. I no longer need approval from my 'reflections'.....and to think that giving myself permission to revisit infancy could have such a profound and healing impact. 

I had been feeling guilty and ashamed for taking time to spend with the infant me. Yesterday I realised that I felt that same guilt and shame when I took time to spend with my newborn babies all those years ago. Somehow I had learned that simply being a mother for its own sake was not enough. Although I always believed it was absolutely enough, I had also learned not to trust myself. Therefore I carried that guilt and shame into motherhood and ever since. 

I still believe that becoming a mother to my babies was the greatest thing I ever did, and yesterday I realised that I can do that for me too, that I have been doing that for me too. Finally, I love myself as much as I adore my children. And that, is what healing is all about.

- June Parkin

In learning to love myself without condition or expectation, I've come to be comfortable with letting go of all the things that I learned to use to try and fill myself up with: expecting others to give me what I needed to give myself, surrounding myself with other people, keeping my head filled with thoughts, driving myself like a slave to gain the approval of others, believing the world would not turn without me, thinking that if I could just do enough I could maybe feel enough, shrinking so that others did not have to be so afraid. 

I was playing Simon Says with my ego as the leader. Eventually my heart could not cope alone so my Soul sent me mirrors to open my eyes-people who spoke to me and treated me the way that I unconsciously did.  Of course, I didn't know then what I know now so I blamed them for my terror, pain, confusion and grief and they blamed me right back. 

That's how mirrors work, they simply go on reflecting whatever we project onto them until we make the change within ourselves. Our egos will have us hating the mirror so we can stay securely in the comfort zone our brain has created for us. When we try to look into the mirrors we may see distortions, cracks or missing pieces and these support our belief that mirrors are not real. Each time we see a mirror and don't learn from it, another will come, and others, and others until eventually we become surrounded by people, events and experiences that all mirror back what we most dislike in ourselves. The great part about it is that as we learn to love ourselves, we create nicer mirrors to project into and they get reflected back too.  

Now I love myself enough to love the mirrors in my life and I know I can choose love over fear every chance I get.

- June Parkin

I recognise that my experience of life is just too huge right now and I'm not even sure I am filtering it in a way that makes it palatable for others in which case they may automatically reject it (and me). They will reflect on it later and 'download' what they can within their own parameters, just as I do, and I need to accept that and let go of the need to control it so I can love the experience more fully and learn from it in the most loving way possible.

A few years ago, I was remembering a moment in my adolescence when my whole life changed for ever in the space of one afternoon. As I reflected on the enormity of that day, I wondered what it was that helped me to survive. I was only 15, and maybe something or someone helped me. I wondered, did I have a guardian angel?

Was it more than just me that got me through that day and the horrendous months afterwards? In the past I had often thought that maybe I had guardian angels or some kind of guides that unseeingly helped me when I was unable to help myself. But I never really thought about it seriously, it was more like just wondering. Two years ago I did more than wonder if it was possible and I  actually sat and thought about it in detail.

After learning so much about the power of the mind, I decided to choose to believe that whatever my brain believes is real is real for me. This led me to wondering if maybe the me that I am now was the guardian angel I had then. As I sat and thought about it I decided to play with it a bit. I decided to pretend that it is what really happened. So I sat down with my journal and I wrote a letter to my 15 year old self.  I spoke to that young woman as if I was her guardian angel. I imagined that I was able to travel through time to go back and provide comfort, compassion, and understanding for that young woman, that young me. Because I was a little unsure, I did my best to observe all of the rules for time travel that I had seen in science fiction movies and had a bit of a laugh at myself while I did it. But my intention was to comfort her, to help her feel less alone and afraid. When I finished, an amazing thing had happened. I had healed more of the trauma around that experience. I felt lighter, more loved, more understanding and understood, and much more at peace than ever before. I felt like I finally had closure around the events of that day after over 30 years. It really blew me away how effective that little exercise was, so about a year later I decided to do it again. I decided that I would go back in time and help myself get through my traumatic birth. But as I sat down to start the story, I suddenly realised that it wasn't me that I want to help, it was my 17 year old mother.  During the course of my life my mother had often recounted how traumatic my birth was for her at such a young age. I decided, at the age of 44, that I was ready to help my mother get through that experience. I decided that I wanted to be my mothers guardian angel during my birth. Even now it still sounds pretty far out. 

I did sit down and write that out and I found again a most amazing healing had occurred in me.  Finally, after 44 years of feeling in enraged and abused, I had learned to feel compassion for my mother and in so doing, I began to learn to feel compassion for myself. My heart began to open more than ever before.

Because of the great and deep healing I experienced from doing this twice, I've decided now that I don't care how weird it seems, it works for me. So now I do these exercises whenever I get the urge. Earlier this year I went through something that I found it really really difficult and because I wanted so badly to see the whole situation with unconditional love and did not feel able to, I decided to the enlist the help of my future self.  I asked my 70 year old self to come back and be a guardian angel for me and wrote out a letter from her to me. That too worked really well and I found some sense of peace within me from doing it. 

Quantum theory does have an explanation for this which I haven't studied properly myself so I won't go into that.  Studies have proved that what my brain believes is real is real for my own brain. I've known and experienced this long enough now to know that I can choose what I want to believe. I can choose to believe what I'm told to believe, I can choose to believe what my thoughts would have me believe, I can choose what my five senses want me to believe. I know now that I can create beliefs for myself and keep recreating them as needed.  My beliefs shape my reality, and therefore need my attention. If I believe that nothing is possible, then nothing will be possible. Fortunately I don't believe that, I choose to believe that anything is possible and therefore anything is possible for me.

I'm not sure where I'll journey to in the next exercise. What I do know is that in learning to master myself through doing what feels good and right within my body and Soul, I'm living a much more fulfilled and happy life.

- June Parkin

My poor body has been through a lot over the past 4 decades and I have had (and healed) a lot of hatred around my body.

Now my body is leading the charge to bring me to joy. My mouth is so painful I can almost not chew and it's been like it for months. The good thing about that is, I now need to stop eating meat altogether for my body's sake and it should be fairly easy now that I can't chew near anyway. 

Blessings in everything 

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

For the past 12 years I have worked very hard to heal from a whole bunch of stuff and I think I've done a pretty good job of that. I came into this year recognising that the next stage of my healing was to really experience infancy. Obviously I can't just become a little newborn baby again. But I can feel the feelings that it wasn't safe to feel back then.  I let the people around me know as best I could so they had a bit of a heads up. I knew that to be able to do this it was going to have to stir up feelings of rage. Rage is what happens when a new born cannot cry out the energy that is ignited inside it when it's distressed. As I know that I was mostly unable to discharge that energy through crying as an infant, It seemed a foregone conclusion that there was going to be rage in there somewhere. I did feel anxious, and even a bit frightened, but I knew that I was ready to love myself enough to get through it. I knew there would be feelings of shame and powerlessness, and I knew that it probably wouldn't be all that easy. Had I known what it would cost me though, I probably wouldn't have done that for myself. I did get a few little indicators of what might be ahead and although frightened at times, I decided to have faith and hold tight. This year cost me a lot but it gave me a lot more. There were a couple of people who really held me tightly through this and allowed me the love and space and time to do what I'm needing to. I'm not the world's best friend but I am  loyal and I will never forget what these people have done for me and that they've been here for me in the small and large ways that they have. Its people like you who give me faith. Its people like you who make me want to be more loving too. I might have far fewer people in my life now but the few who are still with me, I know they love me as I am. I know they don't expect me to be anything but real and I cannot express clearly enough what a huge blessing you are to me. Bless you and thank you from the bottom of my heart. 😘😘😘😘😘😘

Today I will follow my own heart at least five times. Getting to know myself is paramount to my healing, and by listening to my own heart, my own gut instinct, I can get to know myself better. Getting to know myself is not something that's going to happen in one day, all I can really hope to do is to take tiny, baby steps. So today I'm starting here. What 1 small thing can you do today to get to know yourself better?

- June Parkin 2015

Evil Being

Evil Being. © June Parkin 2007

Nagging at her like a waspish, worn out mother. Piercing her with insistent agonies. Try as she might, search as she may, she had as yet, not managed to find a lasting panacea for her ills. For over two long decades now she had just danced a macabre pas-de-deux with this cruel villain. She had spent countless nights awakening to his cruel embrace, dreaded the sleep that would see him come calling. Fearing his visits day and night; crying desolate tears and cursing his very existence.  Often she bemoaned her powerlessness in his torturous presence. Although he appeared in any place, at any time, uncaring of who was around, she fought to pretend he was invisible, A dastardly demon of her own creation. She struggled between concealing him and begging others to notice him. She vacillated between isolating and begging to be heard, never quite allowing herself to wait long enough for solace either way. Day after day, night after night he controlled her thoughts and actions. She danced as a puppet on the end of sinewy strings, not quite daring to look at him too closely, lest she see all of his features. Intuitively she knew she would recoil from the truth of him if she ever really saw him. She lost all sense of time, responsibility and decorum when he came to her.  Usually she descended into the bowels of hell and fell prostrate beneath his powerful presence, all the while hating herself for their inability to defeat him.  When he finally gave her respite (usually after weeks of torment), she would shudder and pray, happy to be rid of him again and refusing to think about him just in case her very thoughts could bring him back, and with him, the excruciating craziness that heralded his being. She allowed herself to get on with things - with life and love and courage. He had taken half her life and she detested him. How soul destroying for her when she finally discovered that his cruelty and malice had been her only true respite during those long hard years and that to expel him for good, she would have to accept, embrace and understand him. Validate him. She wished with all of her heart that she might find an easier way but she knew none existed. Had she always known that at some level? Had she invited his attentions all those times? It didn't matter anymore, right now she knew his return was imminent, she knew why he had come back.  She knew how to turn him away, but still she hesitated. How could she believe he was not the worst threat imaginable when she knew, without doubt, that he was. She was far more scared of facing herself and so she let him advance. Her cluster migraine returned once more.

The End

Into the shadow

Into the shadow I creep. Would it be safe to plunge? I long to for a moment but fear holds me still. Why do we hesitate to know our whole selves? Why do we gladly embrace the light and and I forcefully the shadow? At what point in our general existence did we lose the knowledge of self? While we fear our shadow, we deny it and push away from peace. Into the shadow I creep as I dare not plunge, lest I cannot find my way back to the light. Creeping and checking.  Looking constantly at the light for reassurance. I fear the shadow but I'm realising it is a necessary part of awareness and so I creep into the shadow. One breath at a time.

I am the part of you that you fear most. I am the part of you that comes alive the quickest, makes you feel the strongest. I am the part of you that you do not acknowledge or let others see. I hold your darkest desires in my bosom, allowing you to reach for the light. I am the part of you that avenges injustice, invokes retribution, voices anger and pain. I am that part of you that helps you cry and heal. I am with you always, allowing your light to dominate so you can feel worthy.  I am the shadow and I am part of you as night is part of day. I will nurture you out of your numbed state and return you to your light, for to stay with me always, you would lose your 'self'.  Fear me, know me, accept me, but let us stay distanced.  Stay in the light but face me. Don't deny me or forbid me. I am the shadow and you need me to be whole.

© June Parkin 2007

Being Beaten

Breathe in

Breathe out. 

Sights,

visions, 

tapes. 

Playing and replaying, mesmerising, 

horrifying. 

Crying silent tears. 

Hating myself. 

Burning shame, 

suffocating guilt, 

self blame. 

Push it down, 

anger! 

Push it down, 

rage!

Push it down, 

don't feel it! 

I'm bad! 

You're bad, 

I'm bad! 

So you're good. 

Shut it off, 

can't think straight, 

please stop. 

Dissociate!

floating,

Dreaming

surreal. 

Touch the chair, 

reality, 

I'm back, 

I'm not there – not anymore.

This morning, while meditating with God, I prayed for resolution to a heartache I've had and was led to visualise the story of it and allow my brain to finish it with a new ending. I'm so grateful as I would never have consciously imagined the ending that I did in that moment. Onwards and upwards 💚💚💚

- June Parkin