At the end of each year I spend time mindfully reflecting on what I have gained from the year and what I want the next year to be about for myself – my underlying intention for the next 12 months. I have found that this helps me on many levels: I can look for the lessons in my year and even better – try to find the positives – the blessings out of everything and, I can create a conscious and unconscious goal for the year ahead, set my mind towards continuing growth. I find that by doing this, I can let go of anything I don’t want to keep carrying into the ‘new life’ of a new year and I therefore can also choose what I want to hold onto and take into my future. I have also found that as I grow, life provides me with clues to lead me closer to my True Self, my highest aspiration, my Souls purpose. Patterns exist all around if I pay attention and I can glean tips from accepting that in Unity, we are all experiencing the same things in different ways.
In 2014, I realised that there were signs pointing to me needing to devote more of my attention to my self, particularly to the infant part of me and the feelings of powerless terror that the original infant me was unable to fully experience feeling as a newborn infant. I have learned over time that in order for my spirit to fully grow, I need to heal the pain I have carried within me throughout my life and learn to let it go again. While many people may already know how to do this, I did not and I know that I need to take my own journey of learning how to. Although I did not think it would be easy to do this, I felt ready and I believe that I am worth it so I accepted the task and stepped into this year. I knew that physiologically I would have to experience rage at some point in order for this process to be completed and I was very aware that I did not want to lash out at others from that point of rage. I felt confident that I have worked on myself enough to trust that I am not a ‘lashing out’ kind of person and I can trust me to not be cruel to others. I also felt sure that I could now trust me to not be as cruel to myself as I once was.
Even so, 2015 has been much bigger for me that I would have ever imagined it could be and there have been times when I wanted to give up and run screaming back to my unconscious comfort zone of victim consciousness. I had not realised until I was in the middle of it just how scary and lonely it could be and I suppose I had thought that I would be okay surrounded by the love I thought I had in my life. What I had not recognised or pondered was that it might all disappear so that I could be there for myself without temptation. As I have healed, I have had angels all around me to show me the way, guide me and help me and in 2015, that all fell away so that I had my faith, my 2 best friends and my self. For half a year, I had virtually no one else and nothing else to turn to and I made it through. Not only did I ‘survive’, I am proud of myself, I love myself more and I have learned things I never dreamed possible about myself, others and the world. My heart and mind have opened up even more than before and I have had realisations which have changed my whole world view in a blissful and amazing way.
Once upon a time, I would have described 2015 as one of the worst years of my life but I cannot describe it that way today because all that pain, suffering, terror, powerlessness and loss has given me gifts I cannot even measure yet. These gifts include having more self love, compassion, empathy, unity, mindfulness, confidence, faith, love, hope, passion, serenity, understanding, forgiveness, humility and trust. In 2015, I walked away from all that I had felt safe with and trusted God to lead me and I gained my self and my self respect. I gained faith and trust. I allowed God to provide. I have lived without a steady income since August (not even government benefits). My amazing husband has done odd jobs when possible so we can eat but other than that, has amazingly supported me in my journey of faith and trust so that I can have the courage to believe in my self. Without his faith in me, I would have probably given up in fear and I cannot begin to describe what the gift of his love has been for me, especially this year. He even married me this year in the middle of all this upheaval and chaos, which gave me something joyful to hold onto in the darkest times. To my other close friend, I also cannot describe what a gift your faith in me has been, knowing that you ‘know’ who I am and did not forget that during all this has been amazing and I love you dearly. I was determined to love myself through this no matter what it cost me and these 2 people have provided the support and love for me to do that, I will never forget it. Thank you.
There are others to who have been there for an hour here and there this year and each of those hours has helped too. I hope that everyone knows how much even one hour of your time might truly help another human being because on those days when each of these people were there for an hour with me, some of them saved my sanity in that hour and some of them lifted me to the greatest heights of joy. There were still others who, through being real with me, supported me into gaping holes of despair – which is exactly what I needed right then so I could more fully experience the powerless terror that I had intended to so I thank you all too. I once would have described you and your behaviour quite differently and would have blamed you for my pain but that is how big this year has been for me and I am truly, truly grateful for every single minute.
Like I said, 2015 has been a huge year for me and today as it ends, I let go of all blame and pain. I let go of all victim-consciousness. I let go of all self-hatred, self-loathing, self-denial and separation. I let go of the need for approval, acceptance and attachment. This year has brought me realisations that have irrevocably changed my life forever. 2015 has given me everything I asked it to and I look forward to a new life in a new year. Tomorrow I will reflect more onm what I want 2016 to be about for me. I hope and pray that your year has brought you gifts of some kind too. Happy New Year.
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