Living in a tent

Have you heard of 'glamping'?  It is 'glamour camping' or camping in style.  There are silk tents, flushing recycle toilets, and any of the creature comforts of a modern home now available for the glamper.

'Glamping' is up the scale from how I'm choosing to live right now.  I'm camping in style, living on the land in a tent.  I have my big, plush comfy bed in there to sleep in, timber & iron frame with a pillow top chiropractic mattress and silk doona cover embroidered with sequins.  On either side of my bed, there are timber & iron bedside tables and huge windows for a 360 degree view.  Outside my room, I have 2 comfy armchairs, a stove with hot plates, a huge sunroom, a gas heater, a million dollar view and quiet, peaceful neighbours on all sides aaaand I have continuous instant hot water.  There is an ensuite with 2 toilets and a huge pantry- sound glamourous?

Suitcases and bags line the walls around the bed with clothes hastily stuffed in since moving and nowhere else to store them, the ensuite is the sunroom and I have no running water to heat (sorting that today). The neighbours are kangaroos, dozens of them quietly grazing, the armchairs fold up, the stove is a 4-burner BBQ, the toilets are camping portapotties, the gas heater can only be used outdoors ( it's freezing at night), the butane canisters freeze trying to boil water for coffee and the bed is on such a slope, I roll over the side in my sleep- now how glamourous does it sound?

I chose to do this-live in a tent.  I am enjoying every minute here in nature.  There are so many things of beauty, the sounds of hundreds of different bird calls, frogs, crickets and gentle breezes; the sight of kangaroos playing and eagles flying against a pure blue sky; the smell of hot food cooking over an open flame; the feeling of being at one with nature and close to the earth.  This is bliss.  This is heaven for me.  Time with the person I love with very few distractions or interruptions.  Time for me, I'm as solar-powered as my lights are!  Time in the fresh air and sunshine with traffic a strange, rare, far off hum and no on-the-grid power.  Letting go of the attachment to "things", to consumables, to clutter, to waste, to fears and avoidance.  This is me being real and unashamed.  This is me loving me enough to do what I need to do for me.  I am still working full time and overtime.  I'm still getting my nails done.  I am still the same person I was last week.  I am just more at peace and more content because I have removed the stressors from living for a while.

I choose to live in the tent while I plan my next house. I intend to find out what I really want from a house before I commit to buying it and I will enjoy that too.

Until next time

xxjxx

I am of the earth

The earth is my mirror and, like the earth, there is much about me than can be plainly seen and much about me that lies beneath, waiting to be discovered and explored.

Like earth, I can be easily moved in some ways and steadfastly immovable in others.  I have lofty mountain peaks covered in ice and fiery pools of passion deep within.  I rumble and belch my slights and explode into volcanic emotion when the pressure builds too high, sending out huge rivers of feeling into the air around me to be eventually cooled and hardened, sometimes taking years to recover and allow the pain to heal.  I bruise easily at times and soften murkily like a muddied pool in the rain.  At other times I can be as stark and unloving as a hot desert, as lush and productive as a tropical rainforest, as dark and gloomy as an underground cavern and still at other times as dim and mysterious as a moonlit field.  The rivers and streams of my feelings, thoughts, dreams and hopes meander mostly through me freely and with ease while there are dams and fiords still holding back the flow, man-made by pain, control and expectations set far too high.  Humanity has left marks upon me which I have borne in solid silence, seemingly powerless in the moment but strong enough and patient enough to wait and ponder on before allowing the wind to blow it all away, the rain to cleanse me and allow the new growths to sprout in hope, the promise of new beginnings.

The earth is my mirror and, like the earth, there is much about me than can be plainly seen and much about me that lies beneath, waiting to be discovered and explored.

Like earth, I can be neglected, abandoned, rejected, abused, violated, subjugated, controlled, manipulated, used, wounded and misunderstood.  I can also, like earth, be loved, nurtured, guided, supported, understood, cherished, nursed, recreated, celebrated and feted.  You can choose to work with me or against me and I will remain available in the capacity I can be with patience and love.  One thing is for certain:

The earth is my mirror and, like the earth, there is much about me than can be plainly seen and much about me that lies beneath, waiting to be discovered and explored.

xxjxx

Approval

As I reflect I realise that for all of my life I have been seeking approval, from my parents, partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, children, teachers, acquaintances, friends, strangers -approval. I longed for it, fought for it, cried for it, pined for it -approval.  I was 38 years old before I got approval from myself, before I finally gave me approval and yet I still have been seeking it from others.  

I'm realising ever so slowly that it is a futile search and a disempowering one too.  It is not fair to me nor to anyone I'm seeking approval from.  The way that I choose to feel is my responsibility and no one else's.  I now realise that when I expect others to approve of me, I'm unconsciously asking them to judge me.

I wish I'd seen this before now.  I'm sure I was not ready before now to see it though and now that I do, I want to change it.  I forgive myself and I'm glad I see this now.  Letting go of my attachment to approval is so liberating and empowering.

Life is not a personality contest.  It is not about approval.  Other people owe me nothing nor do I owe anyone else.  Today I take more responsibility for me and give everyone else the same grace.

May the need for approval rest in peace, I've got happy living to do.

xxjxx

Letting go

I recently asked God to help me let go of my attachment to being right and to walk beside me while I go through it-why?

I thought it through very carefully, what I really needed God's help with.  I considered what it might mean.  I even thought for a moment that maybe I was mad.  I did not for one moment, think it would be easy.  I was sure it would be really hard and really painful.  I felt scared.  I also felt sure.

I am living my life to BE love.  I feel scared a lot and fear does not feed my soul.  My soul does not know or even recognise fear.  I believe fear is simply a human illusion perpetuated to control, but it's not real.  Danger is real but not fear.  Fear is what I feel when I'm not feeling love.  

I don't know what other souls want or need.  I don't know what other people want or need (unless they honestly share it with me).  I will not read minds or make assumptions.  I will patiently wait while others work things out for themselves and I will stand strong beside them when they ask.  I will not disempower anyone by reading their mind because to me that is violating their emotional, psychological and spiritual boundaries.  That is not who I am.  That is not who I want to be.  

I want and choose to BE love.  I want and need to breathe love, see love, feel love, hear love, think love and live love.  I do not want to pretend it, I want to be real.  I am not out to impress anyone, hurt anyone, fool anyone or let anyone down.  My purpose is simple and clear and it is enough for me.  

I love supporting people-listening and walking alongside.  I do not do it FOR anyone else but dearly love to do it WITH them.  Sadly many people seem to want me to be what they want me to be and do not see me but merely their perception of me and I feel truly sad about that but still I will not pretend to be something I'm not.   I will feel that sadness, pain, grief and fear and I will shine ever brighter because I am sure of love, sure of God and sure of my own purpose.  Loving all others is my commitment to myself and to others.  I used to think love was about being kind but I've grown up since then and I think love is about being real, genuine, honest.  I wish I were better at it and I know I have quite a way to go but my intention is set.  I appreciate more now the people who are unkind (when they are honest and not abusive) as they help me grow as much as kind people do. 

Letting go of my attachment to being right is one of the most serious and difficult things I've ever committed to. I want truth in my ears, love in my eyes, passion in my heart and strength in my mind.  I want to serve with humility and compassion and needing to be right will stand in my way so I'm letting go of that attachment to free myself and realise my dream.  I will let go of most of what I have soon so I am unencumbered by 'things' too.  I want to commit to making things simple for myself again.  I have realised over the last little while how tired I am of chaos.  I gave up drama years ago and am still stunned at times how much drama there is in the world.  I don't want that anymore.  

Love is what I need and want and I want that attachment to be rock solid and unshakeable.

Love, love, love

All I need is love

xxjxx

Purpose

A few years ago I was reading a book by Dr Wayne Dyer and he wrote about purpose, wondering if, supposing I came from God and God was love (and God knows and is nothing more than love) what purpose would I have asked God to let me come here and fulfill?  For a few weeks I pondered this and tried to find something about it to reject but it had struck a chord within me as I tried reflecting back on my life to discover if, in fact, my life had all been a journey to fulfill some greater calling, some purpose. What if, I wondered, I really was a soul born from love, here to have a physical existence to fulfill some divine intent of my own request?  What would that request have been?  What path have I really been on?  What is the answer to why I'm here at all?

One morning, I sat atop a large boulder under some gum trees to continue my reflection when suddenly it hit me "I came here to experience love!! To feel love, be love, give love, receive love, have love, lose love, enjoy love, grieve the loss of love, rejoice in love - to really, through every sense - experience love.  Love, the essence of life, the glory of creation, the blessing of being, the guiding light.  Love, for so long elusive and unobtainable.  How could this be my purpose though, when I had been so hurt and wronged? I imagined I had gotten a very raw deal if this was indeed my purpose on this earth but then, my mind dared to wonder if maybe I was still looking at this through unseeing eyes.  

Suddenly my perspective shifted again and I began to see how all of my life to that point had possibly helped and supported my journey to fulfilment.  I had previously seen only what abuse had done to me and never considered that it may have also worked for me.  I see it now but I resisted the knowledge at first because I was not quite ready to let go of the blame.  I was not quite ready to accept the ultimate responsibility, that I may have indeed asked to come here.  Did that mean I was to blame for what I went through!  If I accepted responsibility, was I absolving the hurters?  Would everything change if I believed it? 

I found it thrilling and scary all at once.  I experienced what I can only describe as momentary enlightenment that day. My entire life, my history, my pain, suddenly it all made so much sense.  Those hurters gave me the gift of showing me, very clearly, what love is not and in so doing, they too helped me on my journey to fulfill my souls true purpose - to fully experience love in human form.  To experience the complexities of life, the powerful energy in motion within me (e+motion), the endurance of my spirit and the courage of my heart.  My whole existence has meaning and purpose.  I finally felt that I had meaning and purpose and I have been unwilling to hate ever since.  I have finally found forgiveness and clarity.  While my ego attempts to seduce me with fear and blame, my soul holds to Ghandi with, "be the change you want to see in the world."

Many people find me intense, frustrating, annoying and simplistic.  I don't need them to like me as life is not a personality contest and I'm not here to meet the needs of others through becoming a chameleon liked I became so used to doing when I knew no better.  What I do need is to love God with all my heart and soul and love my neighbour as I love my self (and love myself as I love my neighbour).   These words took on a whole new meaning for me that day and now, although I know it will not be easy in any way, it is simple and I am committed to fulfilling my own destiny - I am love and that is my sole and my soul purpose.

Until next time

xxjxx

Perspective

Many years ago, I heard someone say something.  It sounded utterly horrible to me and I suddenly thought "I don't ever want to be like that".  I solemnly uttered a sincere prayer: "please God, don't ever let me be like that.  Please open my mind, my heart, my eyes and my ears so that I may never say things like that.  Please, please, please don't let me be like them."  

I felt angry at what I perceived that persons attitude to be and I wondered how anyone could think that way.  Over the next few years, I certainly came to understand them better as I learned about my own attitudes, values and beliefs.  I had always considered myself very open minded and non judgmental and I had prided myself on those qualities, boasting often and trying to make others see the errors of their ways.

What I know now is that all was not what it appeared even then and I was seeing what I saw, hearing what I heard and experiencing what I experienced through a very distorted filter that was so clogged up with toxic debris (trauma) that there was very little way anything good could possibly come through it.

I haven't learned this about myself by just thinking about things in my head.  I have had the challenging, difficult, and very humbling, healing honour of massive triggers and 8 years of regular counselling and attending self development workshops and support groups, reading copious books and articles to rip up the old foundations of me and create a new, healthier me to build on.  Maybe it was chipping away the hardened, fear-based shell that had enveloped me for most of my life.  Whatever I was I doing, I'm glad I've done it because these days, I am much more able to look at everything from many different angles and to try and see things from another persons perspective without my old need to control everything and be right!  I had such an attachment to being right that I was almost always wrong :-)

I once attended a workshop where 15 of us, who did not know each other longer than a workshop, were shown a blob of paint.  Each of us were asked to quietly write down what we each saw and not talk while we did it.  We then went round and shared, in turn, what we each had seen.  We all expressed surprise to learn that only 2 people in the group had seen the same thing as each other-all 13 of the rest of us had seen something entirely different from everyone else in the room!! It was a blob of paint they prepared while we all watched.  It was totally random and yet, we all saw something different.  It really made me think about how many assumptions I'd made about others and about the belief I'd had to that point that everyone knew what I knew and everyone heard, saw, felt, etc what I did. No one else experiences what I experience, exactly the way I experience things and vice versa.  

I used to think everyone (yes, the child in me exaggerated it to me that much I believed it was everyone) picked on me.  It was only as my perception changed and I healed thetrauma that I began to see that wasn't even remotely true.  Not EVEROYONE did, it was a few.  There were some really nice people along the way too but I forgot the really nice ones and was convinced the plain nice ones were all in on "it" too.  My fear had totally blackened my lenses to the point that I could only see fear!  I could not have cleaned my lenses by myself without lots of time, support, courage and without people who were brave enough to challenge me because they cared enough to try and help me realise I was not always right. 

 I was not kind, I yelled at them and even mocked them for what I saw as their naïveté and  lack of knowledge, even accused them of not caring or trying to hurt me more.  I tried to tell myself they were horrible too, now they were the ones trying to hurt me, but you know what, eventually I had to stop blaming them for what I refused to see - that I was wrong and, that I was the common denominator in all of my painful experiences - not them, me.

Over time, with lots of stumbles, I finally came to the point where I started to believe that every person in my life is a reflection, either of something I need to learn about me or something I need to learn about others - both so I can be more me and be more loving to myself and everyone else.  Today, if I start to think someone is doing something to me, I try to stop myself as quickly as I become aware of it and turn it back to me with no blame ("if there was no blame June, what would this look like then?").  Sometimes it takes a while to get there but I work towards it anyway because I always fell much better when I can get to that within myself.  I want to be that person.

I no longer believe there is anyone trying to hurt me.  If their behaviour hurts me, they must be in pain coz only hurting people hurt people and I know that hurt so I want to help if I can or leave them to work it out alone (their choice which one). 

 I no longer need anyone to experience what I experience because I am able to more fully experience my own self and my own being in my own way.  I aim to get to a point where I don't ever NEED to be right, be heard, be noticed, be believed, be seen and I might not achieve that but I aspire to it because each step closer to that goal I get, the easier everything is becoming.

I hope others get the chance to get what I've got from my prayer since I first prayed it.  I got pain, heartache, wonder, miracles and joy and I'm getting clarity.  For me, nothing in this world has or will ever change except the way that I look at it - my perception and that is a positive to me.

Onwards and upwards

xxjxx

Patterns

I find patterns fascinating.  I try to look for patterns in my life, in people, in myself, in the world.  When I am in a grounded, positive and loving place inside, I notice patterns all around me and it feels empowering to me, like fore-thought, a sense of being in control of myself and my destiny.  In a pattern, different people will come to me with same issue or a number of people will say the same words or things will repeat till I notice them repeating.  

The downside of these patterns is patterning, absorbing patterns, being blind to patterns.  Patterns show/tell me what I need in that moment to heal and feel better.  That doesn't mean I will feel better, to me it means that if I look at what I can learn and feel what I feel, the pattern stops and a new pattern emerges.

There are patterns everywhere and the more I heal, the more patterns I notice.  The more patterns I notice, the more I heal.  For example, one day i might have 4 people each mention they are working through abandonment issues and the next day, up comes my core trauma around feeling abandoned.

These patterns can teach me if I pay attention.  I do try and I find that the more I talk to God and 'fill my tank' spiritually, the more I notice the patterns.  It feels almost like pointers from God for where to go next and I like thinking of it like that.

The current pattern I am aware of is inadequacy and fear.  Of course, most patterns contain a fear-based element and I generally am immune to that now but every now and then my baring plunges me back into fear and anxiety and I start to come from ego again which reinforces the fear and makes the pattern invisible again.

Right now, onwards and upwards

xxjxx

Feather or sledgehammer?

I was just reflecting on an option I have been presented with today and I was thinking "thanks God, for another sledgehammer" when I realised that I have known for quite some time where He wants me next and in my usual way,  have put a lot of energy into avoiding the issue. 

I know very well that I will go where God leads for I took that vow some time ago and I did not think for one minute that life would be easier because of it, I just know that I want to make that commitment. I also know that I have historically been a 'sledgehammer' kind of person - never really making life-changing decisions until I get a sledgehammer around the head aka feel forced to make a change.

Recently though, a friend spoke to me about feathers and I put out there at the time that I want to be a 'feather' kind of person and not the sledge hammer kind.  I want to use foresight instead of hindsight to accept the gifts and path that God gives me and let go of the strong attachment I've had to struggling, powerlessness and suffering.

I recognise that part of stepping into my own power is about letting go of the need to be forced, to choose my life willingly and be grateful for what comes to me.  

Here I am today feeling afraid and anxious of change again and all that it may mean; feeling scared and powerless again; the truth is, I have received another feather to lead me towards change, towards my purpose, and if I don't make a willing choice for myself, the sledgehammer is waiting in case I need it.  How much more self abuse do I need to indulge in before I retire that sledge?  

None.  

I am choosing the feather today.  

Today I will walk through the door to another life; a life of love, power and choice; a life of service and fulfilment; a life of giving and receiving; a life of learning and growing; a life committed to being all that I was created to be.

Today I will be grateful and am grateful for the feathers and I hereby retire my poor, worn out sledgehammer with love and grace.

Onwards and upwards.

xxjxx

Empowering powerlessness

I lived for many years in victimhood.  It hurt living that way and I knew no way out for a very long time.  I felt utterly and completely powerless in my fear and I was convinced there was not a thing I could do to change it so I hoped someone else would be able to change it all for me.  I searched far and wide and spent thousands of dollars over time in my search for that special someone or some thing that could make it all okay.  Some person, therapy or drug that would fix it all-fix me.  Little did I know that nobody but me could change things for me.  I had essentially empowered myself to be powerless, to stay stuck, to remain trapped and inert-frozen.  There was a huge payoff too - I could lay the blame squarely on everyone and everything else.  Everyone else was hopeless, or 'out to get me', or didn't understand, or didn't care, or didn't know, or didn't see, or let me down, or was stupid, I even thought God and the whole universe was playing some awful trick on me.  I never for a moment considered that I could make any changes of any kind.  I truly believed I had no choice but to suffer and search, so convinced was I that everyone else needed to wake up and feel my pain, see my pain, end my pain.

Eventually I ran out of hope.  I gave up all together.  Even that was a feeble attempt to control what I thought was uncontrollable (life), an empowerment to render myself completely powerless (death).

Fortunately I failed (many times).

As I began healing and discovering how to surrender my ego and accept responsibility for my own fear, my own behaviours and decisions, miracles started happening all around me.  People I had judged as stupid suddenly became wise sages who had simply been misunderstood by me; I became aware of my own short comings and the pain that awareness evoked; my eyes, mind and heart began to open up; I began to recognise a long-standing rage inside me that excited me and scared me at the same time.  I decided I would choose how I used the power of that anger and learned healthy ways to express it that did not involve 'dumping' it on anyone else.  Of course there were times when it spilled out unchecked but I felt so mortified when others heard my fury that I quickly resolved to work harder to ensure I caused no further harm.  

I've learned that if I need to be heard or validated, it's me I need that from and journaling it works better than involving another person coz in my journal, I can dig to find the original root of my fear and release it before re-empowering with a new ending to the story and nurturing myself with joy.  I do not need someone else to validate me and what I feel.

I'm learning that expressing my anger at/to someone else is dis empowering myself coz I'm then handing my power to them and when I do that, I am not only relinquishing my own power to them, I am also burdening them with my responsibility to myself which dis empowers them too.

I am learning that I can now choose how I feel and what I think (most of the time).  That patience was the quality I most needed to learn and practice all along.

I am learning that I have a choice over whether I get sick or not and whether or not I heal.

I'm learning that every moment is an opportunity to learn and every person can help me learn something I need to learn about me.

I'm learning that I'm not perfect and I don't want to be.

I'm learning that when I blame I am disempowering myself and others.

I'm learning that when I rescue, I am controlling others and denying their right to choose for themselves and their right to learn from natural consequences.

I'm learning that mindfulness is my goal.

I'm learning to accept things and people as they are and I'm learning to let go of the need to change anything.

I'm learning to not empower powerlessness anymore.

I'm learning to be just me.

xxjxx

I'm a Fellow!! Not quite

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10152463059557179&id=591537178

I was informed today that I have earned the qualification of Fellow of Australian Instite of Management (FAIM).  After feeling numb, I felt surprise, shock, fear, elation, gratitude and then some more numbness.  Having 3 decades of experience and study recognised at such a high level is such validation.  Right now I feel proud of my efforts and extremely grateful to all the people who believed in me and mentored me, especially those who currently do.  Wow!  I'm a Fellow!

UPDATE

I learned the following week I am an ASSOCIATE Fellow. A little disappointing after such excitement but still a great acknowledgement too. I'm now also accepted into the AIM CPMgr program, making me a Certified Professional Manager.

Victim no more

In 2004 I reached a point that almost finished me.  I had no roof over my head and was living in a hatchback wherever I could park it; no money (Centrelink wouldn't give me a cent; no contact with my beloved kids at all; no friends or family; no phone; no help of any kind and in a strange place one thousand kilometres fro everything I'd ever known. I had major, complex health and mental health issues.  I was depressed, suicidal and vagrant, $40,000 in debt with not 1 cent to my name and absolutely no idea how to change it.  I was a goner and I believed it!!

Then angels appeared.

Some of those angels really pissed me off and even life seemed to me to be out to get me in every way.  I felt even worse but more angels appeared and slowly (excruciatingly slowly) I started to 'come back' from the edge of destruction.  I fought harder than ever and made my healing my only priority. I ate, breathed and slept healing 24 hours a day.   It was SO hard!! I saw 2 counsellors EVERY day for 2 years while I 'died' and re-created myself from the ground up.  I pulled down and smashed apart the old, toxic, comfortable beliefs and values that were all I'd ever known and became like a totally defenceless infant again with no defences or security outside the centre that gave me the counselling.  It was agonising, terrifying and agonisingly slow.  It was brutally hard and yet, I had lost EVERYTHING already, my home, my kids, my family, my job, my 5 figure income, my health, my dignity and my self.  I had lost all hope and it seemed the Bly way from there was up coz I couldn't get any lower.

During that first 2 years, I cried, screamed, wailed, moaned, complained, cried some more and I learned.  I started to find hope again and I eventually started to dare to believe I might even be happy one day (something I had lost all hope of ever being).  I started to dream of a future for myself for the first time ever and then.....

I suddenly felt terrified to heal.

I imagined what the future might look like if I really did become happy.  These angels in my life were not friends, they were workers.  I knew they cared but once I was on my way, I would need to let them and all their support go and that terrified me beyond imagining.  I actually wasn't sure right then if I wanted to heal or not.

It took me about a year to decide and I was too ashamed to tell anyone so I did that bit alone, afraid and unsure.  There was actually a payoff for me in staying a victim and I had to choose what I wanted.  I really could not decide and it was harder still to admit it to myself. 

 I realised a few years later that I had been a victim for so long that being a victim felt 'safe' to me, safer than anything else ever had.  I did not know how to be anything but a victim for 35 years and I blamed everyone else on the planet because I had been taught to do that and been led to it by example.  With horror, I slowly came to see the me that others experienced and I was not even a shadow of the nice me that I thought I was. I was bitchy, hostile, judgmental, controlling, sarcastic, hurtful, bigoted, disassociative, discouraging, argumentative, obstinate and deceitful and I had no idea that I was like that at all.  I blamed all the people around me for my misery because as a victim, I felt completely and utterly powerless .  I took responsibility for everyone else's happiness but no responsibility for my own.  I wanted everyone else to 'make' me happy and I was angry at them because they wouldn't.  I feel sad for that old me and for the people I hurt.

Thankfully I did make the choice to heal, to take full responsibility for my own happiness and that is about the time I came to Heal For Life and started to truly believe that nobody can make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so.  That life is not out to "get me" and that I can have all the love I want if I just start by giving it to myself and others without expecting anything in return.  Nobody owes me a single thing.  I've learned that not ALL counsellors are idiots like I had previously declared, many, many of them are fabulous and very helpful.  I learned that I had created my own misery because I had not let go of it years before.  I had carried it around like a badge and suffered in public expecting others to fix me, fix it all for me so I didn't have to change or do anything myself.

I don't know how people could bear to have me around the way I was and I'm so grateful they did and that I lost everything.  Because of that 'wrecking ball around the head' I have rebuilt myself cell by cell over the past 10 years and now I am the me that I love.  Life is different for me now because I put much different energy into life than I used to.  I have friends now and I've asked them to please not let me bitch or moan because that's not who I want to be - I want to own my own fear and heal without blaming others for what I'm telling myself about them.  I want to en-joy the miracle of life and be of service to others.  I know that there will never again be anything more painful to lose than what I already gave up back then so I can give up anything I choose to in future in order to keep my self.  I am the only thing that will always be with me in this life and the next and I matter to me.  Money and possessions will never make me happy and the only thing that I really have any control over (or want to control) is myself, my feelings and my perception.  I can choose how I want to feel, think and act and so can everyone else.  

I've learned so much and I have not been 'lucky' as some people have judged me to be.  I have worked really hard and now I am more aware of what I "put out" and what energy I am sending into the universe.  I choose love and any fear I meet now can just step aside and get out of my way coz I refuse to be a victim of my fear or of anything else ever, ever again.

xxjxx

Self care

Today I give thanks to all of the people on this planet who give other people pedicures.  In this world there are so many people like me who are in desperate need of more self care and have very liitle idea of how to begin and voila!! Some angel is just waiting to scrub, massage and bathe my tired, swollen legs and feet and see up close what I can't see needs doing from my lofty height above (5'4") and then take care of it for me, with a gentle, caring manner and a smile.  I made sure to tell that angel how awesome she is too, no wasted, unspoken compliment.  I truly appreciate the gift that girl has given me, along with the other gifts I received while I indulged in self care: the hairdresser who listened while I said "keep cutting", my bestie who waited patiently by for 4 hours, the lady who manicured my hands, the smiling staff that served me lunch, the bank teller who let me use her PC so I could get some work banking done, the smiling lad who rang up my groceries, the pleasant visitor I had this morning and my neighbour who moved her tradesman out of my way without hesitating.

As hard as it has been for me to self care without guilt (still not quite there), I feel very glad I had another go at it and God has seemingly smiled on me all day for doin it.  Next job is a good nights sleep so I can pay it forward tomorrow :-)

xxjxx

My experience of Heal For Life Foundation

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I have travelled a long, hard road to today and I am who I am.  I've made many mistakes, some of them big and disastrous, and I have done things I carried shame about. I have at times in my past been blind, mute, deaf, unloving and unempathic, unfeeling and unreal. One thing I have never been is untrue. That may not make sense and I don't need it to, I have known me for a relatively short time.  In fact, until 10 years ago, I did not know who 'I' was. I knew facts about my experiences, I remembered minute details of my existence but I did not have the slightest sense of 'I'. But even then, I did know who I wanted to be and I tried with all my might to be that. What I didn't know then was that I didn't know how to be me. I read masses of books, studied, sought professional counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, medication, and expert advice in my determined effort to be who I knew I wanted to be but I did not know that the answers I was seeking were already inside me.  I learned that through the support of other survivors at Heal For Life. I had a great counsellor and support network who encouraged me to go to Heal For Life.  I had friends who had been and come home glowing with joy, turning their lives around.  I wanted that too but I was scared. I knew nothing about this place and my friends said I had to experience it for myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do well, I researched it.  I found out that Heal For Life is run by survivors for survivors and does not give counselling or advice.  I learned that they have strongly enforced safety guidelines and I learned they really care about each person who goes there. I felt terrified but I trusted my counsellors and I took the step.

That was back in 2006. At that time, I was broke, disabled and feeling close to hopeless. I saw no future and I looked at the world through a broken lens. I believed I had nothing much to offer and I'd actually been told by Centrelink and 2 specialists that I would never work again. 

Going to Heal For Life was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thanks to many wonderful people, most of whom were also learning who they were, I know now who I am and what 'I' means for me and to me.  I also have a full time job again which feels fabulous. I did a lot of training and volunteering with Wesley and Lifeline and returned to study in Welfare, Community Services and Mental Health and, even though at the beginning I thought that if I passed at all I would barely scape through because I believed I was stupid, I got 100%on 1/2 of my exams and not less than 90% on all the rest barring 1 (67%).  I then began training at Heal For Life myself to become a volunteer and later a facilitator.  I would not have studied what I did if not for Heal For Life who insisted that if I wanted to join their team, I must have external qualifications too. Even after such great grades, I still thought I might fail but I had never had the support I was now getting and it made a huge difference.  Heal For Life did not just throw me in to support other survivors, they stretched me to aspire and helped me, encouraged me to aim higher than I ever thought possible. They taught me so many things, not just trauma healing but, academic skills too. I did not know how to write essays or reports before I went to Heal For Life and now I write them easily and without fear.

I have learned so much at Heal For Life. I have learned the real definition of responsibility and self care.  To let go of the need to blame.  To re-parent my self in a healthier way.  To see mistakes as opportunities to learn. To give and receive feedback. To love myself and others equally. To give and receive in life in balance. To listen. To strive for quality and leave the need for perfection behind. To know that my feelings cannot destroy me and that other people cannot make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. To become the cause of my future and not just the result of my past.  I underwent 2 different psychological evaluations at Heal For Life as a condition of being a volunteer there and the results gave me such hope.  

The positive effects of what I have gained from Heal For Life have impacted more than just me, it has positively influenced everyone around me and I decided in 2012 I was going to enrol in a Grad. Dip in Counselling at ACU.  I had called up the uni and began the application when I received an email advertising for a full time position at Heal For Life coordinating the programs. I thought that as much as I would love to do that, everyone else stood a better chance (because I was sure they had better qualifications and skills) but I decided to apply anyway. I was interviewed by an external person in Newcastle and then I went back to Sydney to complete my uni application.  (Sadly, until about that time, whenever I prepared my CV, all I saw was that I only got as far as Yr 9 at school.  I did not see until that very application, just how many courses I had done since or how many qualifications I had gained along the way) and.......I got the job! I started 9th Jan 2012.

I was very excited in 2012 when Heal For Life gained accreditation from QIC.  That was a dream of mine as I have seen the immense growth in the organisation since 2006.  I've seen people come and go, I've made friends along the way and said goodbye to some also.  I've grieved losses and celebrated triumphs and I've learned to listen, something which I know I was once totally unable to do.  I know when to refer someone for professional support and I know how important it is for that to happen because I've learned that at Heal For Life.  In the 2 years I've been in my new role, I have again given up the life I once knew to start over and I'm glad I had the courage to do that.  I love the work we do.  I love the people I meet and the joys that they share. I appreciate the feedback that every person is invited to give and I love that sharing stories is not part of the program coz I'm done with the story of my misery. I've been at Heal For Life since 2006 and most of my friends there don't know my 'story' because those details are not who I am. Who I am is who I am and I believe in what we do with all my heart.

I believe everyone has the right to ask questions, make complaints, be heard, speak up.  It is so important for survivors to take back their power - I have total respect for that and I encourage it although I feel terribly sad when it is done out of malice, that is not empowerment.  If my actions hurt others I am disempowering myself all over again, and others.  If I feel the need to make a stand on something, I get facts first, healthy balanced information so I can make an informed choice, because I learned to do that at Heal For Life too. That is the person I have always wanted to be. A person with integrity and congruence. A person who is flexible yet firm. I am still learning but it's much easier now thanks to the lessons.

I'm not a fool, I know Laws, ACTs, policies, procedures, ethical guidelines.  I know how to adhere to them and I am pedantic about it, which anyone who knows me knows. I have also trained in finance and admin and, If I make a mistake about anything, I am grateful to have it pointed out, I apologise and I begin making whatever change is necessary, then I look at what I can learn from it so I won't make the same mistake again.  I also know the people around me do it that way too - I see it daily.   I'm not ever going to say Heal For Life is perfect because nothing can be perfect.  What I do know and I stand by is this: the volunteers and staff are skilled, trained, capable and committed to excellent service delivery. With the vision of flat-style management and consensus decision making, with every person having equality and ownership, Heal For Life is an incredible place to be a part of and will continue to become even better as time goes by thanks to the survivors who continue to be the incredible people they are, giving as much as they do.  Each person there has fought their own battle and wants to walk alongside others as they themselves were supported at Heal For Life and each person tries to embody the philosophies of Heal For Life and supports each other in continuing to grow and learn and thanks to them, I have learned to do that too.

xxjxx

Learning patience

Last night I discovered a huge, festering splinter in my soul that I needed to remove.  It was so hard to recognise and it hurt to suddenly see how I had disconnected from so much over the past 5 years without knowing I was doing that.  This year I have been very aware of something trying to surface and, although I once would have had no patience to wait until it came up in its own time, this year I have actually felt very content and happy to allow things to run their own course.  For a long time, I flooded and pushed, cracking the proverbial whip over myself in some kind of mindless self-flagellation because I was still a victim to my inner critical parents and they knew no other way to motivate me.  

Now though, I have mindfully been encouraging them to learn how to be lovingly firm instead and it's paying off for me. I have been able to create some key safety principles and internal group safety agreements to help the facilitation of the group that is me and each member has a safe place of refuge as well as group safe places we can "meet".  

Finding and letting go of that splinter was crucial to my future physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health on every level and it was removed with love and tenderness and not just yanked out :-). The large void it left has now been filled with love and light - me and my guys know the road ahead will be a litle scary as we learn to connect without holding back anything and I'm sure there is much to learn while doing it (aka more pain and fear and mistakes).  The wonderful thing is that I can already feel the child parts of me clamouring to burst free and revel in the glory of being and I feel very grateful and excited (and anxious, of course) to be re-infected, this time with enthusiasm.

This year is Hope's year. Patience, love, light, connecting, grace, learning, growing and being and, if it takes all year, I am more than happy to wait.

xxjxx

Letter to my 45 year old self

Dear June

Don't quit, keep playing.  The hands of the maestro are entwined with yours.  The prayers you have uttered have always been heard and answered as you know and today's prayers are among them.  You strive so hard to balance service with self care and it's okay that you don't have it all worked out yet.  As you used to tell your own children, effort shows much more than achievement.  Please know that you are worthwhile and worthy, you always have been and the old, critical measuring stick is redundant and of no use.  Love yourself, be patient with yourself, believe in yourself.  You bestow all of these favours upon others constantly and you are worthy of al this from yourself too.  Be true to who you are and hold fast to God because it brings you such solace.  You are loving and loved and maybe not everyone likes you or understands you but "what other people think of you is none of your business" :-)

I know that you despair at times and sometimes feel alone and I've seen how beautifully attentive you've become of you inner family as well as to others, you've come so far from being the poor sad victim you were 10 years ago.  I'm so very proud of you and I'm cheering you on every moment.  I wish I could do more than give you emotional support but of course I won't rescue you either :-)

I saw how you recognised someone else coming from fear and simply decided to not buy into it but stayed with love and gently guided them away from fear too.  I was amazed at how seamlessly you did it this time, it really does seem to be easier each time you do it.  congratulations, I know you've been working hard at that.  Please remember always, you are never alone, angels, guides, your inner family, your God, inspiration, love, light, hope and faith are always with you just waiting for your invitation.  You are an incredible, phenomenal being and I love you.

xxjxx

Like Poltergeist....they're ba-ack!!!!

Had 3 blissfully pain free days and nights this week, free from the dreaded agony of cluster headaches and no 'shadows'!!  It felt beautiful and surreal and, I even felt excited for a few moments to think that just maybe I'd had my shortest cycle ever - 4 weeks.  Alas, the wretched things followed me home last night and once again, I was up during the night, deep breathing, rocking, soothing myself with words of encouragement, feeling anger and despair and, taking medication, waiting for the agony to abate.  It was intense and frustrating but I got through it, certain that there must be an emotional cause and struggling to pinpoint it.  It took me another 21 hours to work out the trigger: self care and being nurtured; being deserving of nurturing.

I feel sad about the origins of that trigger and about how much suffering I've endured.  I would never wish clusters on ANY person, OR their families.  Cluster headaches are such a horrible, powerless thing to experience and I really feel for all of the partners, children, friends and loved ones who have had to sit by watching the agony and be so powerless to help.  I'm sure it was/is ghastly for those who stood by me for the past 30 years seeing my hope die slowly and watching me in so much agony.  I'm really very grateful to you all and especially my kids.  I can't begin to imagine how hard it's been for them and I still fight to beat these things, which I still believe I will.

I've discovered the trigger from last night and worked through a 'process' tonight, had a little cry, shared a bit of grief and anger and tomorrow I'll finish the next step.  I'd like to ask my brain right now to please let me sleep pain free tonight so I can dream joyfully through the night of a miraculous future where pain is no longer my teacher and all of these tiny baby steps will have created a fabulous journey of strength and wisdom.  Although I may still use my medication, I will not ignore or discount the emotional origins/cause of this pain. There are too many signs: the time is during the liver meridian time every night; headaches are caused by anger (fear), I get irritable and beat up on myself when I have them, my temperature spikes suddenly and, I wake up needing to pee (pissed off).  No, I will not avoid searching for the emotional cause of these headaches, nor will I give up practicing peaceful activities that support my brain in growing accustomed to being in a parasympathetic state coz I deserve to nurture me and my hypothalamus deserves a rest.

Till next time

xxjxx

O.U.C.H

Todays begins week 4 of this years cluster headaches (CH).

While I know I am blessed and most of the time, I feel blessed too, it is really, really hard.  My mind keeps jumping to past and future - "30 years I've suffered, I feel scared they will torment me for another 30 years",  I don't blame my brain for jumping to that, 30 years IS a long time to survive clusters and a couple of times I almost didn't survive them.  I certainly don't feel confident I survived them intact. They had a huge impact on many areas of my life, especially my marriage and my sanity.  I can't imagine how hard it was for my kids seeing me so desperate and scared so many times either.  My finances were also impacted and I had virtually no social life.  I once had no sense of self and no self esteem, clusters became my identity for a lot of the time.  Who would I have been without cluster headaches? I'll never know. Clusters dictated and controlled me throughout my teens and early twenties because I had them for 6 months of every year and I was completely powerless in their wake.  In my late twenties, when I finally got a name for what was crippling me (clusters), I began to get some power again and I searched, in vain, for relief and a cure.  I found neither.  There is nothing that stops clusters.  They have no known cause, no known cure and very few things provide any relief at all. (Recently, magic mushrooms have been touted as effective but I will not feed that to my brain, it's been through enough),

I have tried many, various medications at the suggestion of doctors and specialist and frankly, I don't think they have any answers either.  I've tried many traditional and alternative therapies and ideas.  Nothing has worked.  Oxygen is helpful but it doesn't work any faster than deep breathing exercises do.  The only real relief I've had is from a highly toxic poison mixed with caffeine (Cafergot) but sometimes it's useless too.  I think the most frustrating thing for me has been the total lack of empathy and understanding I've encountered from other people.  Most people compare their migraines to what I'm experiencing but I've had migraine and I welcome them.  I'm sorry but migraine feels like a head cold compared to clusters.  Migraine I can handle.  Clusters beat me down, torture my whole body, mind and spirit and leave me hopeless and despairing up to 9 times a day!  Clusters are the worst pain I can imagine, they often leave me terrified to sleep, despairing, wound-up, irritated, miserable, angry, sad, scared and deflated.  I would not wish clusters on anyone, anytime.  They are monstrous, insidious, catastrophically painful, awful, horrible, destructive and relentless.  

Clusters usually strike within an hour of going to sleep, no matter what the time.  They've recently been found to be linked to the hypothalamus and so affect many areas of the brain and nervous system.  I've realised recently that although the brain is designed to flood the body with endogenous opioids when pain is inflicted, none are released when I get clusters, I feel the entire thing in the moment and the intensity of that pain is staggering.  I've had 2 kids naturally and compared to clusters I did not feel anything during childbirth.  Clusters feel like  there are lots of people inside one side of my brain trying to escape using ice picks to hack through the top of my head, my neck, eye, jaw, nose, ear, gums, temple and glands.  My entire back burns constantly from the increased tension.  My eyelid droops and my eye weeps, my nose gets stuffy, I stop breathing, the blood pounds in my head and my temerature spikes suddenly. I get about 5 minutes notice and then BANG.

Over the 5-9 weeks that each attack lasts, they get more intense and painful each day.  There are times I've had none all day and then 9 of them, 20 minutes apart during the night.  I become irritable and hypersensitive to light and sound and the terror builds as my brain tries to prepare for weeks 5-9, which are always agony.  Sleep is something I both dread and crave by then because I'm so exhausted from the pain and lack of sleep.  Any type of rest or relaxation brings on a cluster almost immediately as does exertion of any kind.  

These days I can get through the first 4 weeks with gentle exercise, breathing techniques, grounding, massage, Cafergot, coffee and painkillers to dull the constant ache that 'shadows' provide.  cluster Shadows are not as intense as cluster headaches but shadows don't stop at all and are debilitating in their own way, relentless and wearying.  

I was once so terrified of clusters that I set alarms 20 mins apart to make sure I never sat still longer than 20 mins!  I was so exhausted all the time.  These days I have accepted that I can do little about it but ride them out and keep hoping they will eventually end.  I pray they will never come back when they suddenly run their course and just stop each year.  Every couple of years they visit twice, which is really hard.  

For now, I just feel the anger, fear and pain and try to remind myself to breathe.  I will win.  I will overcome.  I will beat this.  Now that I have found hope again, I feel empowered to thrive and no drat-awful, soul destroying, wretched pain is going to stop me.

xxjxx

C'mon now

Learning to speak to myself lovingly has been difficult because I had to learn from scratch in my 40's.  For most of my life, I was spoken to with criticism, disdain, contempt and negativity.  The people in my life did not know any better themselves, nor did they have any concept of self-love, therefore they could not teach me.  I do not harbour any thoughts of blame towards them any more.  I feel sad that so many people have so little knowledge or experience of self-love.  In this fear-infused culture, it is difficult to grasp self-love with so many messages of how selfish it is to love ourselves.  How can we hope to love others, for others to love us, if we cannot love ourselves?

Self-love has nothing to do with being selfish.  If I can love myself, I automatically, unconsciously give those around me permission to love themselves and to love me.  If I love myself, I will show people by example, how to treat me with love.  I will 'command' respect and not then need to 'demand' it.  I will know within myself that what other people think of me is there business and I will not let it bother me.  I will see myself as worthy and deserving.  I will give out and receive love with a full heart.  I will be healthy and happy and free.

I am committed to loving myself fully, deeply and unconditionally.  To seek within myself that which my Creator has made me to be.  To look past the imperfections I have perceived myself to have and find the unique and soulful person that I really am at the core of my being.  To embrace who I am and let go of the need to be anything more.  To speak kindly and honestly to myself, and to revel in being me as I am, giving and receiving in love in balance.

Learning to speak to myself lovingly has been difficult and I'm still learning.  I'm much better at it now.  One book that has been very helpful is "Growing Up Again" by Jean Ilsley Clark and Connie Dawson.  It not only has great, loving affirmations, it also has information on re-parenting which helped me to understand myself at different ages and stages so I can become a happier, more well-adjusted self now. I don't need anyone else to give me a happy childhood and I have not missed out, I just waited until I can really enjoy and appreciate childhood :-)

I can now love me, I hope everyone finds this joy for themselves too.

xxjxx

Clusters

While pondering what to write for this weeks blog, cluster headaches sprung to mind.  It would be interesting if they didn't, I'm in week 2 of a cycle.  Historically they have lasted between 5-9 weeks and I have no way of knowing how long they're going to 'visit' for until they leave again.  They have 'visited' me since early 1985 and I have, at times, struggled to survive them.  Many times I didn't survive with my sanity intact and even made 2 trips to the psychiatric unit during clusters.  At times I feel sad, angry, cheated, scared, terrified, beaten, hopeless, doubtful, infuriated, fatigued, irritable, powerless and even suicidal.  That's during an attack.  

After 30 years, I've come to know clusters well and can get through the first 4 weeks now with coffee, smokes, relaxation exercises, deep breathing, self talk, prayer, gentle exercise, OTC painkillers, detriggering, emotional release, massage and patience. That's the first 4 weeks.  Then they ramp up!  However long they last after that is excruciating and, no matter what I do, I feel powerless to ease the pain.  I think because by then I am so tired - clusters wake me up 20 minutes after going back to sleep from the last attack, over and over.  I used to be terrified to sleep when I had them.  Terrified of the pain I knew would come if I went to sleep.  Now I figure I need to snatch as many minutes of sleep as I can before another one strikes.  I find it interesting that when I don't have clusters I only have 1 or 2 cups of coffee per day or I get agitated but when I have clusters I can have (and have had) up to 12 cups with no agitation at all, just relief from the pain.

The medications I've been prescribed over the years have been ghastly.  I've had all of the anti-inflammatories available, barbiturates, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, codeine based, migraine medications, blah blah blah.  I even gave up smoking for 2 years.  None of that worked and most of them had no effect at all.  Oxygen worked the best and Cafergot.  The downside of Cafergot is that it is toxic and I can't have more than 10 per 7 days but I get up to 75 clusters per week after week 4 so I put off taking them and suffer horrendously in case the next one is even worse.  I'm lucky because mine usually pass in 20-30 minutes but some of the really awful ones last for over an hour and nearly send me totally insane with pain.  The muscles in my spine scream in agony for weeks.  Shadows pervade for the entire period.  Shadows are awful because they almost never stop.  It's hard to describe cluster shadows but basically it's like having a 9 week migraine with no break.  Light and sound pierces my eyes and brain and I weep openly, trying not to scream in agony for weeks.

I'm beginning to recognise positive changes though.  For the first 12 years, no one (and I mean absolutely no one) believed the pain I was in.  Everyone had advice and ideas but would not let go of the notion I had migraine, not even doctors and specialists.  It took 12 torturous years to get a doctor to finally admit that it was cluster headaches.  By then, I was almost drug and alcohol addicted via failed self medicating and as I was to discover, alcohol makes them worse!

I had spent thousands of dollars on medical options and alternative therapy in my desperation to cure myself and nothing worked!  I can't even dissociate from it.  But, during those first 12 years I had in excess of 7,000 individual cluster headaches (6months of every year). That's about 600 each year.  Over the past 18 years since then, I think I've had about 7,000 more (about 388 per year) but notice the extra 6 years in there.  Now I get approx. 280 per year (over 9 weeks).  So there has been a vast improvement.  Also, once upon a time, I could never have got through the first 4 weeks like I do now.  Back then I was paralyzed with pain and terror from the first sign of a cluster and now I deep breathe through the first week and sometimes the second week too. 

Clusters have taught me to self care, something I never knew how to do once.  I'm much gentler with myself than I used to be.  They've also taught me mindfulness, patience, acceptance, humility, perseverance, compassion, empathy, reverence, determination, neuroscience, maths, philosophy, faith, hope, love and strength.  Today, I don't want to hate clusters as I used to because I am not a victim, I am a survivor.  I'm surviving cluster headaches one painful, searing headache at a time and I know now - I am stronger than any pain.

xxjxx

Epilogue to fear

Last week I wrote about fear.  Continuing on from last week, I thought I would share something that was an incredible experience for me since then.

After posting last weeks' blog, I became very excited about recognising and naming fear for what it is.  As quickly as I did that, more fears kept presenting.  It was like a cycle and I was intrigued by it.  I felt confident I was moving forward and then, crash, I fell into it and it erupted out of me in a tirade of self doubt and self loathing.  I owned the behaviour and apologised immediately although I still felt guilty and ashamed (more fear based reacting!)

I spoke to a friend about how I want to be able to turn fear into love, thus disempowering it.  A couple of days later while mulling it over, I recognised that fear is a part of me and has been almost constant within me for as long as I remember.  These days, I refuse to talk to any parts of myself in any way that is not loving and I felt challenged to do that this time so I thought back to how I address the critical parent in me (transactional analysis) and viola!!  I said to fear, "thank you for being such a constant companion fear.  You have always been there for me when nothing else was.  You have worked so tirelessly and without thanks for so long to teach me and keep me safe and I have never acknowledged that.  I feel so grateful to you for all that you have done and I'm sorry.  I would dearly love to work with you to find a way for you to take a break, to relax and share some of the load.  Please know that I love you and I want to help you".

By the time I finished, fear was gone and I was filled with love and joy.  I wondered how I had not thought of this sooner but everything has it's time.

I've been struggling since then to process what is coming up but I have immense hope and faith.  I let go of the need to control the timing of my healing a long time ago and I enjoy the freedom of allowing my emotions to guide my journey and not push or have expectations of myself around that.  It's not easy but it has been rewarding to stress less about what I want to happen and just simply allow myself to be.

Last night I tried processing anger and wondered why I was left feeling tense and un-joyful and in talking about it with a friend today, I realise it's because I've moved through that stage and have found a new level of being that involves loving more than fearing.  Last night I was trying to release anger that is born of fear and because of the recent shift in me, my brain does not want to go that way so tonight, I will process the same things with love and I imagine that will feel much better.

Till next time

xxjxx

fear

I refuse to give fear any conscious power any more.  So much so that I am not even spelling it with a capital in the title here.

fear has been a constant companion of mine for as long as I can remember and over the past 3 years I have been trying to recognise it more quickly and feel the energy of it, to move through it as quickly as possible and let it go so I am free to feel love and joy instead.  It's not easy.  My brain has a very strong map for fear and at my age, my brain is loathe to create new maps, but it can and I am.  By doing one thing different, taking tiny, baby steps, I feel certain that change is happening.  It takes time and practice and I am determined, I believe I can do it so I know that I am.

Last night I was very steadfastly declaring how strongly I feel about exposing fear for what it is to me and wrapping it with love.  My new catchphrase for myself is "if it is not from love, it is fear".  I knew, even as I said it that I was sending out some sort of cosmic challenge by merely speaking those words and I am ready to pay the piper on this.  I want to BE love and I cannot do that if I stay in fear.  I have vowed to serve God and I cannot do that if I serve fear too.  I want to be humble and fear will keep humility from me so I have declared war on fear, peaceful, loving, resolute war.  It's funny to me this is the first time I have been able to think of any kind of war in a positive way.

And it is positive.  As I have been afraid of so much for so long, fear is a part of me like any other and I will therefore not abuse that.  I am committed to loving every part of myself unconditionally and finding a purpose for everything that makes me me.  I am now on a journey of discovering how I can love fear unconditionally, embrace it, love it forgive it and find a new role for it that works for all of me.

Today I could sense fear poking at me and I stood firm over and over again.  Each time I said "hey, that's fear, come back here.  God can you deal with this."  Each time, fear left defeated and each time, I felt more happy and strong.  Unfortunately I allowed my attention to wander and fear sneaked in and bit me again more sharply.  Then I was triggered and all my fear came screaming out through tears, anguish and self-hatred.  This is what fear does, it turns me against myself and others and takes me away from love, from being who I want to be.  This is fear and I am truly sorry for the pain I cause in my fear.  I have apologised and learned.  What happened to me today was a timely reminder to be vigilant and to love myself more.  That fear was able to take hold because I was not ready to take responsibility for what is mine and so I took responsibility for what is not mine.  I now know that I need to continue on as I do, loving, learning. Exploring and dreaming.

I need to acknowledge and accept where I'm at and keep moving forward one, tiny baby step at a time.  Sorry fear, love lives here and if you don't love, you are no longer squatting in me.  You have hereby been served notice.  You tenancy is up and I will not be renewing the lease.

I'm off now to sleep restfully and peacefully.  No fear.

xxjxx

Life experience matters

I wash 15 before I figured out how to wash my body properly instead of just letting water fall over it.  I was 17 before I learned to iron clothes and to this day I hate it.  I learned to apply makeup from Dolly magazine.  I learned to cook properly from Australian Women's Weekly and in Home Economics at school.  I learned English from Christine Lovatt and Mr Wisdoms Whopper.  I learned mathematics from living hand-to-mouth throughout my late teens.  I learned optimism from counsellors.  

I'm still learning about hair care, skin care, nutrition, exercise, my body, my brain, my feelings, my spirituality and my self.  I am now 45.

There is no one to blame for my lack of information.  My mother taught me all that she knew and then some.  Sadly, she didn't know about self care either.  Had my father been there, he would have had little more to share.  Self care was not included in their own upbringings.  

I feel sad about all the people who even now, do not have any concept of self care, self worth, self esteem, self love or self nurturing.  I know people who don't know how to wash dishes, who don't know how to sweep, mop or vacuum a floor, how to cook or clean, how to wash, how to iron, how to brush their teeth, how to say yes or no, how to "be".  Every one of these people has extraordinary gifts of their own.  Many are completely unaware of the information they lack.  Each is incredible in many ways and, they have taught me to judge less and love more.

Although I have grieved what I thought I lacked, I have a huge appreciation for what I've got and my motto is: "if I've learned something new, I've had a very good day".

I don't want to be a genius, nor do I consider 'knowledge' all that important.  I am simply trying to provide the child parts of me with enough learning to grow up in a healthy, well adjusted way, with nurturing, good health and nutrition and to have reasonable expectations of myself.  and I am very happy to encourage others to do that in their own way too.

xxjxx

A long, living, loving life

Today, I sat beaming from ear to ear, face and hands covered in orange paint, in a class full of people.  I felt happy, peaceful, excited, scared, anxious, sad and content all at the same time.  I had just jumped another chasm of trauma and landed safely on the healing side of me.

During this leap of faith, I experienced the sensations of feeling fear in my body as it happened.  Not old fear from the past or imagined fear of the future but sudden, trembling, real and instant fear from that very moment and I gave myself permission to stop and allow it to pass through me unhindered.  It was scary.  It was also incredible and I felt so free, alive, real and whole as I did that.  I wanted to whoop for joy but I gave fear it's time and then gave myself permission to just be.  I moved through many facets of myself in wonderment and awe afterwards and I felt completely at ease being young, younger, old, older, male, female, human, spirit, whole and shameless.  I experienced being a healthier me today and I loved it.  

The fear came from claiming back my body and letting go of the unconscious need to feel my body through pain.

A wonderful woman sat silently by me as I gifted myself with this blessed moment and in her heart space, seemed completely at ease while she waited.  I feel blessed and grateful today.  I had only ever fully experienced fear before as terror, pain and powerlessness, never before had I felt simple, clean fear.  I have had so many moments of that overwhelming horror that my brain had learned to switch off to the slightest exposure to fear.  It turns out that while I was very afraid of many things, I could not feel fear inside me because without terror and pain, the instant numbness always took over and rescued me, disempowering me in its own way.

I hated my body for many years, for many reasons and I've been working towards changing that for a few years now.  Over the past couple of weeks, I knew something big was about to happen within and I was content to just let it surface in its own time and way.  I have learned great patience and it really paid off today.  Resisting the urge to hurry it up because others wanted me to.  Choosing resolutely to make different choices for myself.  Repeating every day "good morning body, I love you".  Becoming more mindful of how I speak about my body and the biggest shift, finally acknowledging, understanding, permitting and accepting that my body is a part of who "I" am.  That might sound weird but I have been so disconnected to my body my whole life that it did not actually seem like a part of me at all.  I'm not sure I can explain it and maybe I don't need to.

Now that I have welcomed my body into my 'being' I will listen better to it, honour it more, cherish it more and love it more.  I know I will, I've already started.  I feel sad that it took me so long when I have already learned to love every other part of myself unconditionally - my soul, my brain, the fragments of my psyche - it's okay to feel sad, right now.  I will feel it, move through it and celebrate that I can feel the sadness because I am who I am and everything else is a big, beautiful bonus.

For many years I abused my body in my ignorance and I am sorry for that.  I have gorged and starved my body at times.  I have worked it like a slave till it broke down, cracked the whip over myself while exercising and had no concern when it became sore or tired, lazed around till it atrophied, deprived it of sleep and plied it with alcohol and drugs to distance myself from it further, medicated it to make it more numb because I did not understand the pain was a warning.  I've caused damage over the years to my poor, long suffering,  wonderful, amazing body and now, slowly but surely, I am repairing that damage with love, patience, kindness and awareness.  My body is a temple and I will love it my own way.

xxjxx

Love and fear

Love.  The only thing real.  Fear.  An illusion I create within myself when I am not loving.  Judging. A fear based behaviour that soothes my ego and feeds the fear.  Blaming.  Another fear based behaviour that I can deceive myself with when I feel afraid.  Control. A natural, non-love reaction to fear.

Fear:                                          Love:

shame,                                      confidence

control                                       abandon

judgment.                                  acceptance

blaming.                                    gratitude   

ego,                                           soul

limiting.                                      liberating

labelling.                                    individuality

scorning.                                   celebrating

justifiying.                                  embracing

suffering.                                   experiencing

surviving.                                   thriving

doing.                                        being

closing off.                                opening up

stifling.                                      breathing

inertia.                                       exhilaration

hopelessness.                           miraculous

deadening.                                life-giving

war.                                           peace

anger.                                        patience

earthly.                                      ethereal

isolation.                                    solitude

separateness.                            togetherness

me/you.                                      us/we

Oh that I may cast off my illusion and stand more firmly in love.  Be more loving.  Think more lovingly.  Speak with love.  Grow familiar with love.  Welcome love.  Accept love.  Embrace love.  Be love.

© June Parkin 2014

Self forgiveness

I took part in a discussion about forgiveness today with some loving, open-hearted people and although I once spurned the very idea of forgiving those that I had once felt very hurt by, I realised with joy today that I truly have found forgiveness for each of them now.  I now choose to believe that each of those people were coming from a place of personal torment within themselves, a lack of self-awareness and self-love and that they each have taught me something very valuable too.  I did not suddenly wake up one day and decide to forgive.  Forgiveness was a whole journey of its own for me and I gave myself a lot of time and patience to travel that particular path.  It was where I wanted to get to and now that I am there, I feel more peaceful within myself.

Today I realise that self-forgiveness has not been as easy and I still have some distance to travel to that destination.  I know the abuse and trauma is not my fault.  It is the years of self abuse, self loathing, self flagellation and self doubt that still lingers in my heart.  Still keeps me a victim to feelings of worthlessness.  Although my intellectual self 'knows' that I learned to treat myself that way over time, via poor examples being set, my heart cries out to me over all the times I started to love and value myself and slipped back into the old, self destructive patterns of inactivity, over eating, mindlessness and apathy.

Right now, I choose to forgive myself for all of the damage I have suffered at my own hands, just as I have forgiven others.  I choose to be kinder and try harder to not judge myself for the mistakes I have perceived myself to make and recognise my efforts today instead.  Because I forgive myself, I can now enter another level of peace and look forward to the miracles I am sure will abound in self love.

xxjxx

Look for blessings in everything

As I continue in my healing, I aspire to be positive.

Many years ago, I was consulting a wonderful chiropractor who eventually loaned me his copy of "Learned Optimism" by Martin P Seligman.  I read it feverishly, hoping to find some way to gain this elusive thing called optimism as I had the distinct impression I was a pessimist and that seemed ghastly to me so I wanted to change, probably silently hoping that if I changed that, someone might like me.  I was a mess.

As I read this book, I marvelled at how anyone could be so positive.  I mean, I could not fathom at all, how it was possible to be as optimistic as the author seemed to be and I ended up more despairing than fulfilled.  I was completely at a loss to understand any concept of optimism back then and it would be about a decade before I began to understand it at all.

In 2004, I began attending workshops at my local women's health centre and I recall one woman who was very optimistic, silver lining to every cloud for her.  At the time, I unkindly judged her as weird and figured she must have never gone through anything difficult in her life and probably wouldn't understand 'how the other half lived'.  It turned out she had been through a lot and had 'learned' optimism herself.  I'm very grateful I met her as I soon found her rubbing off on me and I remember one day speaking to someone and thinking "I sound just like......, I hope I don't piss anyone off".

Over the years since then I have changed dramatically enough to now want to find blessings in everything.  Last year I had many experiences that left me feeling battered, afraid and sad but I was able to try to find the blessings and it has made me feel stronger, kinder and much more grateful.  I've been able to catch myself 'blaming' lots of times and instead ask myself "what would this be if there was no blame at all?  What am I learning from this and can I be at least grateful for the lesson?"

I've had some personal health challenges for a while and have lately been applying myself to that in this way too.  I recently started using my treadmill again and was bored after a week but I now want to love myself and my body enough to get moving and keep moving so I looked for the blessing - now I am (I feel) grateful for the chance and the choice to get moving.  I feel grateful that I have a treadmill.  I feel grateful that I've had another call to wake up.  I feel grateful for all the times before that I started and stopped as those times have each provided me with information that is helpful to me now.  I feel grateful that I can still move at all.  I feel grateful that I can still walk, breathe, feel and smile.  I feel grateful that I have an internal walking group.  I feel grateful for all of my old, daggy 80's music that walks with me.  I feel grateful that I can do it my way with help and support.  So now, I am really en-joy ing it, being in the joy of it and that's just because I decided to change my perception of it.

Can you look for blessings in the things you don't like so much?  I hope so.

xxjxx