Empowering powerlessness

I lived for many years in victimhood.  It hurt living that way and I knew no way out for a very long time.  I felt utterly and completely powerless in my fear and I was convinced there was not a thing I could do to change it so I hoped someone else would be able to change it all for me.  I searched far and wide and spent thousands of dollars over time in my search for that special someone or some thing that could make it all okay.  Some person, therapy or drug that would fix it all-fix me.  Little did I know that nobody but me could change things for me.  I had essentially empowered myself to be powerless, to stay stuck, to remain trapped and inert-frozen.  There was a huge payoff too - I could lay the blame squarely on everyone and everything else.  Everyone else was hopeless, or 'out to get me', or didn't understand, or didn't care, or didn't know, or didn't see, or let me down, or was stupid, I even thought God and the whole universe was playing some awful trick on me.  I never for a moment considered that I could make any changes of any kind.  I truly believed I had no choice but to suffer and search, so convinced was I that everyone else needed to wake up and feel my pain, see my pain, end my pain.

Eventually I ran out of hope.  I gave up all together.  Even that was a feeble attempt to control what I thought was uncontrollable (life), an empowerment to render myself completely powerless (death).

Fortunately I failed (many times).

As I began healing and discovering how to surrender my ego and accept responsibility for my own fear, my own behaviours and decisions, miracles started happening all around me.  People I had judged as stupid suddenly became wise sages who had simply been misunderstood by me; I became aware of my own short comings and the pain that awareness evoked; my eyes, mind and heart began to open up; I began to recognise a long-standing rage inside me that excited me and scared me at the same time.  I decided I would choose how I used the power of that anger and learned healthy ways to express it that did not involve 'dumping' it on anyone else.  Of course there were times when it spilled out unchecked but I felt so mortified when others heard my fury that I quickly resolved to work harder to ensure I caused no further harm.  

I've learned that if I need to be heard or validated, it's me I need that from and journaling it works better than involving another person coz in my journal, I can dig to find the original root of my fear and release it before re-empowering with a new ending to the story and nurturing myself with joy.  I do not need someone else to validate me and what I feel.

I'm learning that expressing my anger at/to someone else is dis empowering myself coz I'm then handing my power to them and when I do that, I am not only relinquishing my own power to them, I am also burdening them with my responsibility to myself which dis empowers them too.

I am learning that I can now choose how I feel and what I think (most of the time).  That patience was the quality I most needed to learn and practice all along.

I am learning that I have a choice over whether I get sick or not and whether or not I heal.

I'm learning that every moment is an opportunity to learn and every person can help me learn something I need to learn about me.

I'm learning that I'm not perfect and I don't want to be.

I'm learning that when I blame I am disempowering myself and others.

I'm learning that when I rescue, I am controlling others and denying their right to choose for themselves and their right to learn from natural consequences.

I'm learning that mindfulness is my goal.

I'm learning to accept things and people as they are and I'm learning to let go of the need to change anything.

I'm learning to not empower powerlessness anymore.

I'm learning to be just me.

xxjxx