I never felt like I really 'belonged' anywhere but I got very good at believing I that I did belong.  As a small child I moved so frequently that I was not in one place long enough to make friends or, if I made one friend in that short time, I then had to move away and have no contact again.  By the time I reached high school, I pushed people away so I would not have to feel the pain of that and, by then I had no idea how to make friends anyway.  Fortunately a few Angels attended my school (which I managed to stay at for a record 3 1/2 years).  So I had 1 dear and gorgeous friend in each year and each of those had some unique gift that got me through that year until they moved on and the next one came.

I lost touch with all of them for decades and really struggled to have friends.  I felt safest with the family I knew, even though their behavior was not safe at all in the end.  Once I married, I turned to cigarettes, alcohol, my husband and children for friendship.  I was a virtual recluse and no one even knew because I appeared totally differently. By adulthood I had developed a real skill for keeping the secrets of my despair. I liked many people and called them friends but I didn't know what friends were for or how to be one.  I was terrified to offer help in case I was taken advantage of and, I believed very thoroughly that I was unworthy of help, support, friendship, love or even being alive for that matter.  I just didn't feel like I 'belonged' anywhere.

Eventually my despair and shame turned violent and I became suicidal and volatile so, for their safety, I left my kids, got as far away from them as I could get and tried to rebuild myself.

At age 35 I discovered that I had some very old, ugly, horrible and crippling wounds to mend and, that I had to virtually start again from scratch.  How to breathe, how to walk, how to get dressed, toilet training, oh the shame of it!!  I felt mortified and powerless but I started to feel like I 'belonged', almost.  A few more Angels became friends and for the first time in my life, I began to dream of a future.  That led me to wanting to help, or at least inspire others and off I went into the wild blue yonder to start all over again and... I started to feel like I belonged and in fact, I came to life and blossomed.

I've had to let that go too now and I'm still feeling like I don't belong anywhere.    Now though, I've grown up.  I know that I may never really feel that or, if I do it may not last but, I'm at peace now being me.  I don't want to ever again compromise my own health, safety, values or rights to 'belong' and I can be a unique individual and make friends too.  Now I 'belong' to me and that's enough.

No drugs, alcohol, stimulants, additives or delusions. Just pure, unconditional love, faith and acceptance of who I am right now in this moment.  Life really is beautiful.

I've had a huge change of world view over the past year and I'm sure there is more to come yet.  I believe I am going through my own Armageddon or what is called the book of Revelations in the Christian bible.  My life as I knew it has all but ended again, it's certainly not the first time which is why I know I can survive it this time.  I am being smashed and tossed in this wild ocean but dry land is out there in there and I will find it.  When I do, I will regain my land legs, hoist the flag of love & light and begin calling out across the atoms to all who want to remember.  It's time we all came 'home'.

- June Parkin 2016

Forgiveness

To all those I used to blame for the pain of my life (especially those I used to call perpetrators):

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

I am now ready to recognise and accept that each of you are, and always have been, reflecting and mirroring the unloved aspects of myself that I was unknowingly projecting onto and into the world.

I truly believe that you are each and all Divine beings of Love and Light at your core too and I am so very grateful to each of you for the role that you have played in my life. I now have a much greater understanding and appreciation for what the truth of my pain is and was.  

Although I still have some work to do on staying grounded into Love and forgiveness, it is my full intention to do so.  Thanks to you, reflecting for me, I can now fully and unconditionally love and forgive all of the aspects of myself that you appeared to me as.  That is your gift to me.

Thanks to each of you I am learning spiritual mastery and unity consciousness.  I came to life to BE Light and Love and you have made it possible for me to believe I can achieve that.

Bless you all. 

Thank you all.  

Please forgive me for hating you for the time that I did.  

I love you. Truly, deeply and unconditionally.  

Some of you may be struggling to forgive yourselves and I pray sincerely today that you can do that now.  Namaste 💚💙💕💜👼🏼💛❤️💘

To those who I have shown love, compassion and respect to throughout my life: thank you for reflecting the qualities of my highest self to me, even when I was blind to anything good within myself.  I love you and have always seen your Light.

Namaste 💚💙💕❤️💛👼🏼👼🏼

Today in feeling better emotionally and mentally. I realise now that my 'story' IS that I am being burned in a fire - purified and cleansed.  A couple of weeks ago I made peace with the fact that I am having 5 high days and 2 low days each week, which is not too bad really.  Yesterday I just forgot that and fell back into pain, back into the coals in the pit.  Another lesson, another gift.  I love you June and it's okay to have a low day, you are human after all.  

In this purification process, I believe all that is still I healed is rising up and leaving my mind, body and energy field.  I know it's happening, I can feel it and I'm really grateful, even on the lower days.  Those low days are the days that raise up the gunk so I can feel what's there and let it go and, those 2 days probably 'ground' me too 'cause on the other 5 days I feel so blessed to be alive that I could possibly stay forever in the ether if not for those wonderfully helpful 2 low days each week.

Onwards and upwards

Jhundi P ❤️❤️

I've spent most of my life trying to change who I am because I perceived that no one in my life could see who I really was nor accept me as I was.

I've changed so many things about myself that didn't fit and I have known for a long time that those things that didn't fit were not really me anyway.  Those things were just bits I picked up from others along the way.  Spiritual, emotional and mental flotsam and jetsom that I was never meant to adopt.  I didn't know how to keep my spirit clean so it got infected just like my mind and body once did.  Now I'm 'clean' again and learning at my next level.  Funnily enough a friend tried to convince me to go to uni and get a degree, I figure that 1 masters at a time is enough.

I accept and love myself exactly as I am right now.  I feel supremely grateful to my husband, my friends and my children for showing me how to.  I remember once feeling hurt because I was told I had not changed a bit and I was devastated because I had worked so hard but my love for that person showed me they could not see it because they only ever saw the core of me anyway and.... They are right-that has never changed.

At my core I am pure Love and I intend to be that for eternity.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

June Parkin 2016

The sun is warm but not too hot as it peeps over the roofline to greet me this morning. This cicadas bid a tremulous howdy-do as they warm up the first of the wind instruments while different birds begin adding lustre to the sound across the valley. As the majestic eucalypts salute the clear blue sky above, I breathe in the essence of life that is love.  Listening to the mud wasps creating new spider-filled cocoons for their babies as I marvel at the dew-laden webs hugging the grass like open parachutes of silver lace below me.  Butterflies and dragonflies flit excitedly above the gently humming earth as I contentedly sip at my almond chai latte and ponder the stupendously, flawlessly, wonderfully, brilliantly amazingness of now. June Parkin 2016

I am on an incredible journey into me that is like riding a tsunami.  All old programmes and thought patterns disintegrating, memories rising unbidden and uncalled, feelings bubbling up and flowing through continuously.  Triggered constantly but, not overwhelmed. I'm on a surfboard riding the waves of my Soul and re-establishing who I am within myself.  

It is an extremely right-brained process and I am parenting myself through ensuring that my body, mind and spirit are equally supported, engaged and encouraged at all times.  Physical Movement to stimulate neural growth; vegan diet to encourage highest vibration for cellular activity and repair;  cessation of physical addictions including caffeine, sugar and nicotine; prayers and chants to nourish my spirit and maintain my faith in God; meditation to enhance the ability to think more positively and connect to God even more intimately; yoga to support the body, mind and brain through mindful breath; crying, laughing and yelling when I need to release energy;  cleaning etheric energy daily; service to help others so my heart stays open; music and mantras to feed my soul; gentle manual labour at least once p/wk to stretch my body and earn money to buy food; daily research on what I'm experiencing on all levels so that I can engage my left brain and enhance the top-down, bottom-up processing that is suffering right now through these natural processes.

Most of what I thought I understood about trauma and abuse has changed dramatically, along with a lot of other things I once 'knew' but in their place is an understanding so profound, holistic, stupendous and divine that I'm still trying to absorb it all.  

Needless to say, my most recent trauma has turned out to be a real blessing precipitating an awakening of unparalleled proportions for me.

I am so grateful to my kids and step kids for teaching me how to love angel-babies so I can love myself into being.

I'm grateful too, to my husband, the couple of close friends who have stayed in touch and the Facebook friends who sent messages of support while I thought I've been drowning inside.  I cannot measure the love in my heart for you all.

Onwards and upwards.

June Parkin 2016 💜💜💜

Trying to earn $$$ to pay my car rego and I feel sad that my body can only do 15 minute bursts of Manual labour at a time now-pendulum swinging back after all those years of pushing my body really hard to overachieve when it was already broken.

I wish I had known how to listen to my body back then instead of constantly seeking out experts to tell me what I already knew in my heart, when the experts refused to acknowledge that my body was already broken. I knew in my heart that it was and I wanted someone else to tell me that it wasn't so I could keep pushing myself. Now my poor broken body is slowly healing and needs my love and now, I'm ready to do that, so 15 minute bursts it is.  I can do this. - June Parkin

It would be so good to know anyone who truly understands what I am going through right now. 

I have a loving husband and a few friends who have really stayed close and I am so sincerely grateful to them for not leaving me alone through all this. What I need now too, is someone else who knows what it's like to walk this road I'm on.  There is so much to experience, learn and change and I know I'm doing fabulously against huge odds. I just wish anyone knew what it is like and totally understood my fears, my tears, my terrors and my joys in all this.

Of course, the real irony in that would be that if there was anyone else who truly understood it would not be the same anyway and perhaps I would not gain the same things from it?

I'm so thankful that I courageously did so much trauma healing when I did. Kundalini is bringing all kinds of old stuff to the surface and most of it hardly registers. It's as if my brain knows it's not really traumatic and I'm not even sure that's what I mean. I was reflecting yesterday on why it was not having that same old big impact and recognising that those same memories, had they arisen five years ago, would have floored me.  As they arose yesterday, I noticed them, acknowledged them and allowed them to pass through. I'm grateful for those memories and in this moment, I suspect they are in my throat chakra as details.  I began 'oil pulling' yesterday with virgin, cold-pressed coconut oil.  I was able to do it for two minutes then and three minutes today. I aim to work up to 20 minutes each day. I really want to love my body more and the throat chakra seems to need the most love right now.  My gums, teeth, jaw, neck, throat, mouth, lips and nerves all have something unpleasant going on.  I acknowledge that with all the miracles I have received from that part of myself, I have rarely acknowledged or appreciated it let alone loved, respected or cared for it.  Right now I am grateful to my throat chakra for drawing me to the finer details of loving myself and my body.

I am writing a book and I have included a chapter about my kundalini symptoms. I'm grateful for the symptoms because they are teaching and guiding me. Through kundalini, I am becoming much more aware of and grateful for my body. I so appreciate what my body has been through in order to give me life. I have really neglected, abused, defiled, ignored, abandoned and ridiculed my body throughout my life and I feel so sad for that and about that. I acknowledge that sadness and recognise that each of those moments and experiences are unique to me and that I needed them to happen exactly as they did.  Without them, I could not have the moment I'm having now of heart-filled love, gratitude and appreciation for my body. I had a moment earlier where I felt overcome with dismay at how much I had opportunities to be healthier and did not take them up or I did but let them go again. That is when I realised I needed all of that exactly as it was. I then felt empathy and compassion for that part of myself that felt the dismay and, placing my hand on my heart, I was able to breathe love into my being and comfort me through the feeling. I was able to allow it to just flow with my breath. I love how that works.  I want to start a new blog or page about my kundalini experience and hopefully that will help someone else too.  Right now I wish I had electricity so that I can build a good page around kundalini health. I'm so grateful to God though for leading me to stop and be while this experience is unfolding for me and living without electricity, an income, a fridge or freezer is a learning experience too.  The blessing of that is that I have to very mindfully choose my food and meals and that is proving good for my mind body and spirit.

For a few moments earlier today I felt disappointed with myself because I had a child's reaction.  I saw a huge spider which scared me and i was ok but 5 minutes later I had a very sticky web on my gloves and I began to cry.  I felt about two years old and I decided in an instant to just feel all of that.  My wonderful husband got the web off and kept going with love.  I was then able to soothe myself and calm down aaand, the best thing in my mind was that I realised very quickly (as I started thinking I was a sook) that I had just successfully allowed myself to BE a child in nature, reclaiming another never-before-experienced moment of life: being lovingly nurtured through fear.  I am so proud of myself for this.  It may not seem much to anyone else but to me, this is the culmination of all of my efforts over the past 12 years to love myself unconditionally in any given moment.  It worked so well that on the way home afterwards, a spider crawled through my car and, instead of losing it, I managed to drive 3 more Kms and pull over while it was removed.

I love me and I'm really proud of me 💞💞

Today I realise the need to release the word 'conflict' completely from my vocabulary.  What I focus on is what I create and conflict is no longer my reality.  From now on I copse to use the word 'challenge' instead for I am my own creator and coach and each experience I create is merely an opportunity to be more mySelf.

Onwards and upwards 💜💜

- June Parkin 2016

In the past few months I've had the great privilege of allowing traumatic experiences to totally transform me.  As never before, I chose to hold onto the belief that I wanted to be able to see the whole thing as a positive experience even though when it happened, that was just about the most loving thought I was capable of having about it at all!

Holding onto that hope, that belief, that faith in myself and my God that it would even be possible to perform such a miracle on myself has been truly transformational.  Yesterday I was able to shift what feels like the last shard of glass from my heart and free myself from the prison of my judgments.

In order to achieve that, I have found it necessary to deconstruct-face every malicious thought and feeling within me, pupil apart the victim consciousness I've clung to so tightly for so long.  I've known for a long time that I'm way more than just a survivor or a thriver or even a warrior.  I AM a being of Light and Love and I WANT and CHOOSE to be that, no matter what I have to go through!!  

I realise now that what I had perceived as trauma for me was simply other Souls reflecting for me, aspects of myself that I could neither acknowledge, accept or love.  In being unable to do that, I invited those experiences in to help me learn and then blamed the movie screens I saw me on.  

I am truly sorry to all of the people I have 'blamed' for my own blindness and lack of self love.  There is no blame and I believe that now is MY truth..

I pray that everyone I know has a loving, peaceful and joyful day. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

So great today to have the opportunity to open my heart up to other people again. That being the essence of who I am, it's a true joy to be able to do it at least occasionally. As I did I was blessed with a new inspiration, I recognised another layer of why my sight is deteriorating right now and my hearing is one minute painfully acute and the next minute gone.  For most of my life sight and hearing are the only senses of mine that have worked. Touch, smell and taste have been almost non-existent for me for most of my life.  I've relied almost solely on my sight, hearing and thoughts to fumble through and, my intuition or 6th sense has only come into my awareness in the past decade and I'm still not entirely used to that either!

I recognise and respect that my brain kept me cerebral and 'in my head' because it was unprepared to fully experience life through all of my senses and needed intense and thorough preparation and, now the time is right to 'drop down' into my body again, I am.  No shame no guilt no criticism. I AM June and it's okay to be me.

Me with my new baby photos.  I've only had blurry, grainy baby pics of myself before and I realised this morning as I looked at the gorgeous baby here that I would have hated her too once.  I was not ready to clearly see baby me because I could not possibly have seen anything beautiful or worthy.  I'm ready now and every time I look at these pictures, I am filled with the most intense love, awe and gratitude.  Sometimes I even cry and wonder how on earth I could ever have hated something so amazing.  No wonder my life has been so shitty so often, it was just reflecting the darkness of my own thoughts and feelings about my self.  

Last night I went to a 5 Rhythms class.  I've wanted to go for ages but have had no money and been too afraid anyway that I might hurt myself more or that I would be judged.  Last night I dearly wanted to join my friends there and give myself permission to love and trust my body again.  I stopped allowing my body to move freely when I was 16.  I was in a horrible, fatal car accident and afterwards, I suffered extreme pain.  I hated my body for torturing me that way so I learned to torture my body and I did not even know I was doing that.  Last night I remembered, after three decades, how good it feels to love my body enough to move it.  I learned that I can trust myself to stay present; I can be responsible for grounding myself first; it was okay to be in my head so much for so long because my body needed me to be so it had time to prepare for now.  Last night I had fun and I opened up with people who were not afraid of how big my energy is, it helped them feel free too.  Last night I set myself free to be.

Today I am crying every 1/2 hour and it's fabulous because no matter what feelings bring the tears, I am observing them all, loving them all, and allowing them to just pass through me like the energy they really are.

What a terrific breakthrough and I'm so grateful to little baby me for bringing my Soul into my being so bloody brilliantly.

Thought I'd try out this vegan cheese while I'm learning to be friendlier to my body and I've decided to make a yummy pizza with it today.

Pita bread base with bbq sauce, zucchini, capsicum, tomato, baby leaves with beetroot, vegan cheese and marinated artichoke hearts!!

It tastes so good aaand I'm washing it down with 'gimme green' from The Juice Lab which has pear, Apple, banana, cucumber, spinach, kale, lemon, chlorophyll and cayenne pepper!!

I love loving my body💕💕💕💕💕

Cluster Headaches have been part of my life since about 6 weeks after I almost died in a car crash just weeks before my 16th birthday.  I have learned the most incredible things about life, love, pain, resilience, determination, my mind, my body and my Self from that experience and those Cluster Headaches. 

For decades now I hated and despised myself and Clusters and used them as a reason to stay small, powerless and afraid to really live.  Even when applying for jobs I allowed terror of Clusters to stop me from even trying to think about success.  I felt tortured, powerless, angry and terrified of them and really really hated my body and myself deep down for 'allowing' and 'creating' that kind of torture for me.

A couple of years ago, I realised that Cluster Headaches are now part of who I am.  They've been so insistent, so prevalent and pervasive that they have become just another part of my psyche, of who I believed myself to be and, I had believed all that time that I was supposed to suffer to be worthy of life and what life has to offer.

I don't know where that belief came from but today I'm sending it back. It's bullshit!  I did learn to love the clusters as part of me and I finally found natural and healthy relief that worked for me. I cannot tell anyone else what will work for them and I pray that we each find our own amazing way to self love.

Today I have finally, deep in my heart, felt forgiveness and gratitude for all that Cluster Headaches have 'given' to me since 1984.   They have taught me to question science and medicine; to breathe more mindfully; that drugs including alcohol really damage the cells of the brain and body; that doctors cannot be experts about me and I can; that nothing is ever what it looks like; that love overcomes all pain; that my love for my kids and husband was always stronger than my terror of clusters; that even with clusters I am lovable; that I am worthy of self care and love; that being hard on myself hurts; that sometimes karma is instant; that my thoughts can hurt me and my body; that my intuition is always right and much much more.

Over the years I have had very few people believe the pain I was in or the condition I loved with and even other Clusterheads doubted that I experienced Clusters but - I lived it.  I was destroyed repeatedly for 9x every day, up to six months of every year from 1984 - 2014.  That's about 15 full years of torment and suffering and today I let it all go.

I don't need to suffer to learn or to live and I love myself enough now to be gentle, to treat me like I would treat any other precious baby that I love. 

I AM grateful and I AM Love and that makes today a great day for me.  - June Parkin 2016