30 Jul 2011

i quit!!!

I have made a choice and spoken to my doctor.  I feel scared, anxious and excited, all at the same time - I am going to be a non-smoker very soon.  My dr agreed to give me Zyban, which I successfully used 10 years ago and I started the course yesterday so hopefully, I quit in 7 more days - yay me!!  the tastes of everything are already changing for me (including cigarettes) and I am getting ultra excited at the thought of beating this again.  Addiction takes away power and control, addiction is self-abuse, even though it is not entirely conscious and has physical origins. I hate being addicted to anything at all and I have decided that I want my body back!!!  Freeing myself from nicotine addiction is the first step I am taking towards getting back a healthy, happy body.   one step forward - onwards and upwards!!!!!!!

I had to go off my anti-depressants for a week before I could start the Zyban and I am aware of the problems I may face.  I am also aware that I have been irritable (but not too much) and that I need to observe my moods and behaviours for the next couple of months.  Last time I quit! I had no concept of how to cope with all of the emotions that quitting brought up.  This time, I am well armed.  I have had about 1000 hours of counselling over the past 7 years as well as doing 14 self-development courses and training in mental health and trauma informed care, i now instruct others in how to self care and heal themselves.  I have never been in a better position to quit! smoking and I really want to do it.  I quit! smoking 10 years ago and I thought I would never go back but in 2003, when I had to decide to leave my kids and my marriage, I felt alone and terrified and thought i didn't have anyone to turn to who understood.  A small voice in my head (thanks guyz) said that cigarettes had always been there for me and maybe they could help again so i had one, with the intention of smoking till I got through the hell I was in and I swore it was only temporary - and it was - it's 7 years later and the phase has ended.  I am sincerely thankful to the cigs for their support but I have to move on and let go and by God, that is exactly what I intend to do - goodbye addiction - it's been a hell of a ride for us both. xoxo
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Well, it's day 7 on the Zyban and so the quit day should/could be tomorrow.  I feel excited and I feel anxious and it's okay to feel my feelings, that will help me to quit too!  I feel anxious because I'm scared it wont work and I'll be still smoking next week/month/year.  I don't want that.  I really want my body back, and my feelings, my breath and my lungs.  I am praying that this works for me and I am aware that my smoking has trebled in the past week - maybe I'm trying to have as many as possible before I have no more?  It seems weird coz the week before, I cut my smoking in half - this past 7 days has more than made up for that.  Oh well, onwards and upwards xoxoxoxo

27 Jul 2011

My amazing Brain

I was asked to write a booklet about Trauma Informed Care and it was a huge honour for me to do it.  i got to indulge my passion for research and writing as well as to respect my needs for self care and time flexibility.  I had a deadline but within that time frame, I was able to be flexible and pretty much be my own boss, I like life like that.  I finished the booklet yesterday and I have to say I am proud of it.  It appears to be well written, well set out, well thought out and informed, a big change for me actually.  I usually write without direction and I'm sure the big difference was having a frame around what was expected.  Ambiguous and vague direction creates a crisis in my brain because it seems to have a finite capabilty for processing information and with a challenge/question and no clear direction, it seems to turn into the widest ocean where all of the grains of sand mix, mingle and clash - my brain is awesome - I need to honour how it works and find things that suit my brain without trying to change it xoxoxo 

24 Jul 2011

home again

got home again on Saturday arvo.  It was a slightly comical day as I agreed to drop a friend off at a train station on my way home and went in the wrong direction from the station which ended up adding 2 hours to my trip home.  It was good in that I was very mindful of my driving and not on auto-pilot like I usually am and I was also able to keep myself calm in a crisis and manouvre through city traffic alone and confidently - yay me :)  I treated myself to coffee with another friend after and a night out with a snuggle day today, watching hours of my fave shows.  Now I'm feeling relaxed, refreshed and hungry and tomorrow I'm out having a blood test and editing a booklet I've been writing for work, which I now have 3 days to get ready for printing - may not be on here for a while again but I will be back

xoxoxoxojxoxoxoxoxoxo

5 Jul 2011

Health

Having spent a few days with my friends and feeling really sick while I did, I am beginning to cough less and hope more again.  I really hate being sick and I usually only suffer pain rather than illness so it is rare for me to get ill with anything but I have been sicker than I can remember being for a very long time and due to my car being off the road, 2 work periods being cancelled and no trips to the hydrotherapy pool, I was feeling extremely isolated and alone.
That was last month and this month is a new time.  I have a new project to focus on and new ideas and information to share while I wait for God to grant me back my car or an affordable alternative.  I have certainly gained empathy for people without vehicles who have to rely on public transport, not only is it unreliable , uncomfortable and unaffordable, it is also downright inconvenient and dehumanising.  Too bad if nature calls when you're on a bus.  Too bad if you feel sick on a train.  Too bad if you can't even get to a bank for cash to pay your fares, use your card an get charged extra - lots of staying home alone for me right now.  I wish I had a treadmill so that I could at least go for walks again, or that my body would miraculously heal itself so that I am allowed to walk up hills again without knowing I am encouraging time to speed up and lead me to disability.  xoxjxox