Grief

Trauma is subjective.  What might be considered traumatic to one person may be considered entirely differently by everyone else.  That does not mean it's not traumatic.  What it does mean is that there will be grief at some point.  Grief is borne of ego and as I wrote a few weeks ago "ego is not a dirty word".  The Soul has nothing to grieve because it sees everything as learning and therefore sees it neutrally.  The ego creates attachments as it is designed to do for our survival and then, when it has to let go, it resists.  Grief is caused by the ego having to shed some facet of its identity.  

I learned quite a few years ago of this link between grieving and identity loss.  The ego operates such that we create a connection or attachment, we form a relationship with someone or something.  It's natural and necessary to do this for our brain development and growth.  Neuroscience has even proven that without relationship, our brains do not function well and can be harmed by isolation.  We need relationship to thrive, we need touch to activate the chemicals that build brain cells (neurons), and we need interactions to keep the neurons firing.  When we do anything new or differently, our brains make neural pathways, like a road map of neurons.  Each time we repeat this new thing (aka: practice) our 'map' becomes more solid, more defined.  As our brain likes to take the path of least resistance it will at first resist the change but once it's made the change, it then will resist the next change.  This is why practice is important to learning and, why grief can be so devastating.

The ego needs attachment to believe it has an identity, to believe WE have an identity, an "I".  Without attachment, the ego has no anchor, no sense of 'self'.  It needs the attachment to someone or something to help it believe it has form, that it's real.  Over time, with lots of practice this can change but for most of us, we dance this out throughout our lifetime.  We form attachments and then let go, either willingly or not, we do let go.  Grief happens during this letting go and has different impacts for each one of us.  Say we marry and after 30, 40 or 50 years, our spouse leaves us or dies.  There is grief around the loss of losing them but more deeply felt will be the loss of our own identity now they are gone.  We've been part of this 'relationship' for decades and our identity is based on it and based in it.  Now that relationship is gone, our identity is gone with it.  We no longer know who we are because our whole world just changed.  The same thing can happen when our child leaves home or when we leave a long-term job or position in our job; when we move house after years in the same place; when we have to find a new dr, dentist, etc after years of seeing the same one; when we lose a pet or any other relationship change.  

For many of us, we won't understand our grief and neither will those around us but it's very real when it strikes and we need to honour ourselves in it.  I'm grieving the end of a dream right now that I poured myself into for ten years.  That's almost 1/5 of my entire life, all my passion and devotion went into it and I thrived.  Although it ran its natural course, my ego was devastated and resisted letting go at all but with lots of self-love, self-parenting and compassion, I can now let go and move forward to begin a new phase.  What I love most is that this time, I was able to consciously alchemise the grief, stay aware of it, and use it to grow and learn to love more than ever before.  As the grief tore my heart out it gave me the chance to own it, feel it, express it and release it; all of it.  Doing that has changed my whole world view as much as it has changed my definition of who I believe I am.  

What I do, where I live and work, what I've experienced before today - none of that defines who I am anymore.  I'm becoming free of attachments and it's very, very liberating.  I will work now on releasing the last of the thought forms as my body is releasing the decades of trapped energy from the cells of my being.  As these toxins leave on my breath, I thank every experience for the learning that has come with it and release it now with love as I embrace this very moment without definition.  

Breathe in, Breathe out.  

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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Be Yourself

Among the famous people I feel inspired by are Mother Theresa, Mahatma Ghandi, Dalai Lama, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Bhudda.  I am actually inspired now by every single person I have ever met but I will use these few to demonstrate why I'm inspired so much by people.  Put simply, whatever faults they may have, these names are examples of people who were or are, unashamedly themselves in my opinion.  Perhaps they were loved by thousands, millions even.  They were also all hated by many but neither love nor hate made them change who they were at the end.  Like me and most of us, I'm sure the opinions of others made a big difference to them at times but overall, they were who they were and they just lived their own life, albeit in a giant spotlight.

I too aspire to live my life as myself.  I have spent so much time caring what other people might think.  I cared too much how upset other people might get if I was my true self.  This is the privilege of youth, this is the curds of growth that need churning to grow.  Now I know that no matter what someone else thinks, says, does, believes or decrees, I am who I am.  If I do not fit, it is time to let go.  There are fighters in this world and I believe they're needed.  Without their fire there would be no change, no creation, no impetus for change.  Life would stagnate and as a species we would undoubtedly implode.  I am not one of those kinds of fighters and, although I have felt pressured to be many times before, I do not have to be.  I am me and my fight is different.  I accept that about myself and I know that it is okay to be me.  Never again will I apologise for being who I was created to be.  No more will I try to make myself something I'm not to impress anyone else or to placate anyone else.  Take me or leave me, I accept me and that's all that matters now.

I take my hat off to all of the people in this world who are just out here being themselves with grace, courage, determination, love or simply with humility.  No matter how you or the world judges you, I admire and respect you.  That is unconditional too and I hope it reaches your heart as you have reached mine. Thank you for being you.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #life #inspiration #vibration #healing #followforfollow #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love  #mythoughts   #energy #livinglife #positivevibes #peaceonearth #remembering #worklifemyway #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ

#weareallinthistogether #om #aum

Breathing through the clusters

Wow!  What an incredibly huge night I had last night!  While meditating yesterday I saw myself as I was years ago: curled up in a ball on the floor, sobbing and hating on myself, begging to die because I could not bear to live with the torture of cluster headaches anymore.  As I watched this image in my mind yesterday, from the safety of 3 years away from my last experience with cluster headaches, I wept again.  This time I wept with sorrow and remorse for the level of hatred I witnessed me aiming at myself back then.  I now have so much compassion for that me of the past who became so resilient and brave through those horrors, that me who had so much compassion for everyone else in the world and yet none at all for herself.  I called out once again in Love across the ether: "Ho'oponopono, Ho'oponopono.  You're going to be okay.  You've got this. I'm here holding you.  It really is going to be okay."

I saw this me from Now sending Love to that me of Then and felt a tiny spark of Light ignite in her, a small glimmer of hope.  I saw her square her shoulders and rise to try again and I wept more sorrow as I know her full story now and that is indeed how she overcame.  I suddenly felt fear as I wondered if I must now embrace these agonies again in the new energy I am cultivating within myself.  As quickly as the fear rose, it dissipated as I realised that my Soul will be with me if that happens.  I trust my Soul and I let it go.

Last night - bang.  I felt the pain rise suddenly and the terror came with it, drawing me into a deep, black, cold hole inside myself.  I clawed my way out, scratching and gasping, forgetting my breath, forgetting who I was for a while and then...... suddenly my Soul was there: "breathe.  breathe.  you're okay. breathe."  

"I feel so terrified".  I owned.  

"It's okay to feel it.  Tell me about this feeling. Tell me what it looks like, feels like, look at this terror and tell me what you see."

I began to really look, to dissociate from the overwhelmingness of it and dissect the feeling instead.  I felt it in my body and as it had the last few times, it recoiled from my consciousness, bearing less pain.  I saw it, smelled it, mastered it and let it go with love.  I asked its name and it told me.  I finally felt no malice or fear and I sent it Love and Light.  The pain subsided and so did the terror.  I allowed myself to lay flat and just breathe. 6-3-6 breath.  Nice and easy.  As tiny aspects of fear clawed at my consciousness, trying to seduce me back, I steadfastly and graciously breathed the pain out of my body and finally found sleep.  I slept right through and awoke this morning with some residual pain and a very hopeful outlook.  I'm okay and I'm doing this.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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Ho'oponopono

I have spent a lot of my life seeing my circumstances and experiences through eyes filled with blame and pain.  It is only in the past year that I have been able to reach a level of consciousness that allows me to see it all through eyes of Love.  Today I take all of the yuk and the muck and I lift it up to where my Soul can see the Love of it, the Light within it and the joy that the learning was meant to bring me all along.  Now I can see how the father who left when I was 3; the mother who raged; the husband who drank; those who bullied; all beings in my life, including myself, met a higher purpose that served me - with Love.

Souls don't see the way we do.  There is no blame or negativity for Souls and the Love they have is all-encompassing.  When I look at the world through my Soul eyes there is noone I feel any kind of malice towards.  In learning to love myself, I have accidentally stumbled upon the secret to loving all of life.  In learning to love life, I accidentally stumbled on the secret to self-love.  

The past for me now is a story of triumph, lessons, resilience, courage, love, strength, honour, grace, wisdom and more.  The shame, blame, betrayal, misery, malice, darkness and terror have all but gone for me now.  I embrace every second of my past as the life-affirming gift it has truly been.  My life to this point has been straw that I spun into gold and my future will unfold as it needs to.  Right now I have air in my lungs; nature all around; and a lush, natural and intriguing day before me where I can accept, embrace and trust all things as myself.

This life is a miracle for me and I give thanks for all of the beings who have been a part of my life so far.  Thank you beloveds - thank you so much for supporting the growth of my Soul by being exactly who you are.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #life #inspiration #vibration #healing #followforfollow #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love  #mythoughts   #energy #livinglife #positivevibes #peaceonearth #remembering #worklifemyway #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ

#weareallinthistogether #om #aum

Loving me through my Inner Child is healing everything

When I first discovered my Inner Child I wanted to know more about the concept of the Inner Child.  I had a lot of fear around everything back then and I felt scared I was being taken advantage of.  I began to look online for research and evidence and at first what I found shocked me.  Dozens of people saying really horrible things about their Inner Child.  Page after page of rants, insults and outright abusive comments towards their own inner child and I felt really sad reading them.  None of what I was reading resonated with my own experience of my Inner Child and I wondered how anyone could hate or blame their Inner Child.  For quite a few years I worked to become the best Parent to my Inner Child that I could possibly be.  I came to realise that I had not just one Inner Child but a huge Inner Family to lead.  At times it was daunting but in placing myself in the role of Inner Mother/Father, I felt a strong desire to love and protect. Even though I thought at times I must be crazy, my heart told me it was vital to keep going.  As I studied the theory behind it from hundreds of different schools of thought and by walking alongside others as they learned, I came to realise that loving the Inner Child is all about self-love and self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-governance, spirit, self-respect, soul, divinity, devotion, faith, unity, self-esteem, learning to dance with life, embracing the shadow of who we are and much more.  The Inner Child for me is a way to get to know who I am at the very core of my being.

From my Inner Child I came to learn what my body was trying to tell me.  That different aged children may not have the words but can show me in other ways.  I found that when I had held onto energy at a certain age, I had also held onto the details and stories that I perceived was surrounding that energy so that I could come back later and unblock that energy if I chose to.  It was like a fail-safe so I always have a choice to free myself from any blockages.  I also found out that those blockages later create mental and physical dis-eases and, if I get a dis-ease, my Inner Child always knows what caused it and how to heal it, I only have to ask.  I've spent 10 years proving this to myself and I've healed some huge mental and physical health issues which I once thought were incurable like: cluster headaches, migraines, arthritis, depression, thyroid disease, multiple spinal issues, panic attacks, common colds, high blood pressure, paranoia, dental pain and loads more.  I am learning still to take notice of myself, to be mindful, of everything about me in order to live my life free from the pain that I carried for so long.  My Inner Child has been the way through for me and I love her now just as much as I love the children I gave birth to.  I now love me that much and it shows in my 'glow'.

We are all different and that is so precious.  We will all have our own way of living life so that we get out of life what we came here to get.  I'm convinced there is no one way.  What I have learned over the past decade is that "I" am The Way - for me.  "You" are The Way - for you.  I've also come to realise that those horrible things I first read about how people felt about their own Inner Child were just reflections of what my own mind held inside me.  I was not aware of it then but I've lived and breathed this with determined focus for over a decade now, I've researched it and questioned it into the ground and back and I know myself well enough now to know that every comment I heard, saw and read was a direct reflection of my own confused and pained thoughts and beliefs.  Now that I adore and cherish my Inner Child, I rarely draw things like that to me and when I do, I get to work inside, loving and nurturing my amazing self as the Child within.  I now only have one Inner Child as I've released most of the stuck energy and integrated the healthy energy and the old held fragments that created my stories of self are totally at peace now.  My Inner Child is a glowing, golden, divine essence that fills me with wonder, joy, bliss and gratitude for life.  There is no-thing I would not do now to love this amazing miracle of me-ness and I will spend my life serving humanity because of it.

My most fervent prayer is that every Inner Child be loved by the Parent they reside in, if it is that Souls journey to do so.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #life #inspiration #vibration #healing #followforfollow #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love  #mythoughts   #energy #livinglife #positivevibes #peaceonearth #remembering #worklifemyway #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ

#weareallinthistogether #om #aum

Trust

The web of life has thrown the illusion of "Trust" up for me lately and, listening to others I see the pattern unfolding.  I once trusted no one at all because I believed in my own fears so fully that there was nowhere for love to dwell.  The first time I really sat and reflected on why I did not trust anyone, it occurred to me that yes I may have been abused but now that I was safe???? As I sat holding the 'why' with an open mind and open heart, I began to see that it was not other people I did not trust - it was myself.  I did not trust myself to be able to cope with what other people might say or do.  I did not trust my own reactions.  A great weight lifted off me in that moment and I began to trust others from that day on.  I was still mindful of keeping safe but now I just 'knew' that I could keep me safe from anyone and anything.  It was huge.

Yesterday as I shared that with a friend I realised I've gone more deeply within to a new realisation around trust:  I never trusted life. Until recently I never believed that life would catch me if I fell, even though it did catch me many times.  My resistance to being alive made me mistrustful of it and so I did not fully take part in life.  I know now that I have always been who I was born to be and my life has unfolded perfectly to get me to today.  I hold no judgement of myself for the mistrust or the misunderstanding; it is all a part of the dance.

This past year of living with nothing but life to fall back on, in nature without those creature comforts I used to take for granted: potable water, electric lighting, heating, regular laundry days, clean dishes, money..... It has all been so miraculous and liberating.  I trust life now.  I trust that my safety net is as strong as my breath, as strong as my love, as strong as the earth herself.  I trust that life has got my back and that I can trust myself and everyone else too.  I trust life and it's a very peaceful feeling.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #life #inspiration #vibration #healing #followforfollow #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love  #mythoughts   #energy #livinglife #positivevibes #peaceonearth #remembering #worklifemyway #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ

#weareallinthistogether #om #aum

Mindful of my feelings

For 12 years I worked to feel my feelings.  I lived numb for decades and could not even identify any feelings at all.  I was suicidal and self harming, desperate to drown in the simulated life that stimulants provided.  I was drowning in my drugs of choice back then: exercise, ocd, depression, control, alcohol, prescription drugs and marijuana.  Nothing I tried helped me to feel anything but more out of control.  I eventually imploded completely and that's when things had a chance to change - I had surrendered and I didn't even know it.  I did not know that surrender was an ACT of will back then and that by making the choice to stop even trying to live, I had surrendered.  Thankfully I know now that there are other ways of surrendering that will create the same catalyst for change but back then I had no idea.  Once my ego surrendered my chokehold on life, life started offering me beauty, love, light and so much more.  Then my body began to shut down as I began healing my mind and I had no idea that it would have to do that.  In creating the changes that I was, huge changes, I had created huge shifts in the energy within my body too.  I did not know anything about energy then so I succumbed to the powerlessness of believing I had permanent disabilities.  I let go (surrendered) my body to what I perceived was fate and concentrated on learning to feel.  

I can see now why all of this had to happen.  My rebuild is wholistic, not just my mind, my body or my energy, it's all of me that I'm reconnecting with and learning to captain.  I spent 12 years learning to identify my feelings but I tenaciously held onto noticing the energy they elicit in me also.  I took notice of where in my body I could feel them and what that energy felt like.  My heart knew that without mindfulness, I would be caught in a spiral, I'd end up not feeling again some day.  So I studied myself while I learned from education and learned from supporting and teaching others.  Mindfulness of the energy makes a huge difference.  Our feelings are energy like quantum physics now tells us everything is.  In becoming aware of the energy within my body I can choose to change it in whatever way I want or need to.  There really is no one-size-fits-all for living our own lives.  There will be many times for a lot of us when we want to believe and when we want others to believe that there is one, terrific, sure fire way to live life but really?  If there is only one way, why are we all created equally but differently?  I imagine there are many things we could all do similarly and together and even the same way - for a time - and then it's time to go it alone, before reuniting, re-membering that we are part of the same quantum particle, the same Divine Body, the same matter, time and space.

Each time I write in my journal, the first words I write are: "I feel..."  Then I write feeling words and nothing else.  Once I've identified that I feel happy, sad, angry, etc, I then write down how the energy feels, where it is in my body and what it feels like, what thoughts it's attached to and what I want to do with that energy to release it.  My way is to write it out, to become mindful of my own story and, I'm currently working on a new way which I'm learning.  I spent 10 years learning to just let it explode out of me and after getting hurt a few times, I knew I had to adapt it to myself and my own way of being.  There is a time for everything and now is my time to find my own way.  I've let go of all the perfectionist expectations I used to have and now, after completely surrendering my life to my God again without suicide and self harm, my life is changing in spectacular and miraculous ways.  Life shows me when I'm on my own right path and when I'm not and I am on mine.  My mind want to captain the ship that I am but with mindfulness, it gets to be part of the team and not the ogliarch it once was so now life is beautiful and I am mindful of that that and grateful for that and I feel grateful.  I feel it in my heart like fairy floss inside me all warm and fuzzy and pink.  I choose to allow that energy to permeate my being as I head off to breakfast.

May we all find our own path and find our own way to stay on it.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #life #healing #followforfollow #light #selflove #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love  #mythoughts #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ

#weareallinthistogether #om #aum

My faith is strong

For a long time I judged myself for having faith, for believing in God, for believing in anything really.  I had become so good at doubting and fearing that it was almost like a 'blanky', I parented my Inner Child with fear and doubt.  As my faith grew, my fear and doubt decreased but, it all became more subtle too.  That's the thing when we take our direct focus away from something it can become more difficult to recognise and therefore trickier to eliminate.  In my case I struggled to see my doubts and fears because they became very subtle but life provided reflections for me and sent me people who also judged me for the strength of my faith.  At the time I didn't fully realise the reflection and so I judged them too.  That's the hamster wheel, a viscous circle of awaken-sleep-awaken until we wake up AND get out of the bed AND leave the room.

For a year I prayed to God to make me humble.  Regardless of any hardship I perceive I've had, I love my God.  I have vowed to serve God for the rest of my life and that did not come from any religion, it came from my heart.  That vow came from knowing my God through learning to love and be of service to myself and others.  It came through loving my God and wanting to believe that every person and everything is God in my life.  I'm still getting there, I know it and believe it but in the moment, I sometimes forget as my ego does 'the dance' she does.  These days it only takes a few moments to remember though.

Anyway, I want and intend to serve God in whatever way I am led and I prayed every day for a year to be humble, to have humility.  I thought about what I was asking, I didn't just wildly wish on the genies lamp.  As always, God heard my prayers.  I threw myself into a raging furnace and ground my face into the dust.  I knew it was coming, I was sort of prepared.  I am so glad I uttered those prayers because I had no idea how much ego ruled me.  I'd spent so much of my life terrified of ego that I had tried to annihilate mine.  I'd even managed to convince myself I didn't have ego which is impossible if I'm alive.  Remembering that I asked to be humble helped in the core of that fire as I felt myself burn away layer upon layer of illusion.

I know now, ego is the Inner Child, The Self that exists, the 'guide' for life.  I've known that for years but now I know it on a deeper level in a more profound way.  Ego is not something to be hated or feared.  It is the ultimate target for our love because it is the way to the Soul.  When we can love ego, our life becomes miraculous.  Humility is loving the ego, knowing what we're capable of and not judging it at all.  Humility is unconditional and something I'm still working on but I'm humble enough now to let go of perfectionism.  I'm humble enough for today.  I'm over hiding the strength of my faith because I feel afraid that someone else will reflect my fears back to me.  That's still ego driving the bus anyway.  I love my God with all my heart and soul and my life has become a miracle because of that Love.  The struggles and torments I once complained so loudly about are now becoming gifts before my very eyes and I now look forward to every day.  My God has steered me inwards to my Self where I can be one with that Divinity and hear the messages of love.  I have answered the call for many years now and although I have not always understood, it has always worked out so I trust it.  Now I've been called forth again and it will mean big changes again but hey, adventures are fun right?  I have love, I can serve, and I am free to choose, what could be better?  I will be moving on again and will leap into the unknown but my parachute is really sturdy and secure so what the heck, it won't be the first metaphorical cliff I've jumped off as Angels hold me up.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #life #inspiration #vibration #healing #followforfollow #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love  #mythoughts   #energy #livinglife #positivevibes #peaceonearth #remembering #worklifemyway #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ

#weareallinthistogether #om #aum

Dancing

My whole life has been a journey of awakening.  Awakening from the egos sleep as the soul rises and stretches to greet the divinity of life itself.  I've come to learn that life shows us in every moment what we need but we may not be able to see it for the gift it is yet.  Like the Bill Murray movie 'Groundhog Day', I wake up each morning to live the same lessons until I learn them.  Each day I learn something that I had not learned before and I go to sleep each night unaware that tomorrow I will be right there again to do it over, that it is all perfect and simple and in my own hands.  One day I will suddenly think I've 'awoken' to some great mystery that no one else could possibly know.  I will go through all kinds of transitional symptoms and then realise - it's just life and everybody knows it on some level.

I feel alone and isolated a lot these days and it's because I still judge myself.  I've done it for so long that I've been working for years to stop and now I've made great progress. Now I do it in much more subtle ways (like the way I'm judging myself for writing this at all).  Each day as I become more conscious of things like this it gets a little easier to just stop and be.  To let the tears fall freely, whether they are sad tears, happy tears, lonely tears, or tears of bliss and love.  Each day it takes less time to accept the lesson, love myself and remember peace.  Each day there is more time to be in peace and not need to change it.  Last night as I spent time with my Inner Child she danced and as she danced, thousands of pieces of old, cold, steel weights fell off onto the floor.  Those weights were expectations I've had about myself, conditions I'd placed on me that I would never place on anyone else.  I'm not new to this dance, I've lived and breathed it for so long now I don't know any other way to be.  The dance is intricate, passionate, fulfilling and magical.  The dance evokes all of life within me to rise up and take over my being with sensual abandon and to entice me into moving without effort.  I'm a dancer and I love to dance, that's how life knows who I am this time around.  Music is my call and She sings to me as I dance, breathe, fall, rise, doubt, believe, worry and surrender.  Life is sacred music for me and I AM the song.

Yes it's lonely sometimes and that is when Nature is most benevolent, intruding into my thoughts with birdsong and buzzing; with grasses, trees, birds and breezes to bring me back to what's real - breath.  Filling my lungs with life has me thinking of joy:  of my sons hugs, my daughters smile, my grandchildren a innocence, my husbands love, my faith, my love, my heart and my life.  My breath contains my music and I can dance through anything with the music filling me.

May we all remember to breathe when we feel low or discouraged and know that life will always hold us in Her arms with Love while we dance to our own song.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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Inner Child

Every morning I awaken with one thought in my mind: "I love you."

My Inner Child calls out to me from my heart with joy and devotion and as I wipe the sleep from my eyes I heartily call back in silence - "I love you."  A huge grin softens my face as the pink softness of golden love opens my heart, warming my entire being and showering my mind with peace.  I lay and bask, holding the thought and the energy as the day begins to unfold around me.  Birds twittering in the treetops outside send excited messages of wonder and delight, ensuring their babies and neighbours have all that they need; kangaroos perch quietly on strong, slender tails as they contentedly munch on their breakfast of fresh, succulent, young grass shoots; aromas and scents waft across the air like wraiths from nature awakening her senses too, alerting me to the tantalising vista of life playing outside my window; the sun climbs ever higher through the sky hoping to entice playmates to come outdoors and play in the warming glow of life;  tiny pangs of hunger and dainty prickles of thirst begin to cavort within my mouth as I stretch, smile, drop my legs over the edge of the bed, slide my feet into waiting slippers and wrap myself into an unbelievable fluffy robe.  I gaze down fondly at my husband who still sleeps peacefully beside my pillow, wishing him peaceful dreams on his only day of rest.  Making my way outside to begin my daily ablutions, my Inner Child gleefully sings a song in my head.

It's like that every morning now.  Almost like a fairytale inside.  I realised about 7 years ago that if I want to have a life filled with joy, I needed to commit to loving my Inner Child - my Self.  I began meeting my Inner Child every morning and checking in:"Good morning, I love you."  Over time, as I grew to know myself and accept everything about myself that I was able to, I became to realise that there were many elements that made up me and that my sense of self - my ego was multifaceted, that I had not just one Inner Child as I understood it but a whole Inner Family.  I'm not going to go into that any further today but now, in this moment I have one Inner Child who is an integrated part of me containing all of those facets and more - I am multifaceted and there is not one thing about myself that I am not prepared to love and accept, not one.  I do miss the 'team meetings' that I used to have with myself each day but.....my Inner Child is so alive within my being and glowing so brightly in my heart that I'm also glad I have the chance to hold her as an 'only child' and lavish all my love on me.  I've been working for a long time to chip away at all of the things I once thought kept me separate from God but I know now that nothing can keep me separate except my perception.

Today I greet my Inner Child with arms wide open just as she greets life from within my heart.  I head out into the world with a spring in my step, love in my heart, innocence in my eyes and curiosity in my mind.  The only thing that matters right now is being.  This moment is but a breath and I choose to become one with my breath.  My Inner Child is content and nestled deep in my being so together we breathe in the glory of this moment and breathe out everything else.

May your day be all that you choose for it to be too.

ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Real

This week I'm looking at how much I have previously struggled to maintain close, long term connections.  In my previous role I learned to open my heart fully and unapologetically to everyone I met while maintaining strong, healthy boundaries.  I enjoyed it and grew grew from it immensely as my own heart expanded and blossomed from allowing my feelings to freely flow.  I was able to love each person I met even briefly and I can still feel love for each person I have come into contact with throughout my life, no matter what transpired or how long the meeting lasted.  I was not always able to feel this way and am so glad I can feel it now.  For me, carrying around blame, shame, guilt, anger, hurt and betrayal felt all wrong inside.  It hurt and it made me bitter, hateful and judgmental.  I didn't really like who I was at all.  Now I've been allowing myself to alchemise my past; to revisit old memories as they come up to the surface and find something to love in them.  I've allowed my Soul to lead me this time because my ego tried to stop me before and tell me there were no positives and nothing to love in experiences of abuse, especially from my childhood.  I'm glad I persevered and listened to my Soul instead.  While I have come to appreciate the help my ego gives me in keeping me safe, it doesn't have all the answers either.  Seeing things from a different perspective, that of my Soul self, has opened up a whole new way of being for me that feels much more natural.

Just yesterday some old memory surfaced of how miserable my first husband and I were together for so much of our 16 year relationship.  I once would have blamed our drinking, immaturity, abusive behaviours and circumstances for the pain we both carried.  Yesterday however, I cried with joy and gratitude at how much of a gift I can now see we have been to each other at a Soul level.  I joyfully and tearfully gave tanks for every moment he spent in my life yesterday.   He and I taught each other so much about love and life.  No matter what feelings each of us took away from it, we gave each other the gift of unconditional love by being completely real with each other at all times.  We never were anything other than ourselves together.  Sadly, ourselves then were quite in need of waking up, growing up and of self love but, we were always real.  Just as I had found in my old work role, being real in every moment is the greatest connection we can make.

Being real is not easy for everyone and some people try to be anything other than who they really are but, that's them being real too.  If someone comes across as fake, I can choose to judge them or to love them but I don't have the right to try and change them. Why should anyone change who they are so I feel differently?  If I don't like them, if I deem them unsafe or unfitting for me, I can choose to walk away.  It's not my choice whether or not they change who they are.  It's my choice whether to blame them for 'making' me let go or not.  All they are doing is being real.  I'm the one having a reaction and that belongs only to me.  My reaction can tell me what I need to become aware of within myself if I am able to be real and honest with myself.

In looking at what other people reflect for me, I am having the most amazing transformation inside and life feels spectacular now as more and more detritus from my formerly wounded ego falls away to reveal the multifaceted diamond of my human self - ego+Soul.  Together, these two create a harmonious symphony that beats binaurally in tune with creation itself.  That's the real me, that's who I have always felt gently beating within my chest.  That's real and alive and gratefully me.  

My deepest wish today is that you and I can be unapologetically real and that we can each relax, enjoy and love life as us and allow others the same grace.

ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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I am not my looks

Big shout out to the 800 new people who liked the page this week.💛  it's so great to have you around and hear from you how much you're getting out of my sharing.  I used to be a very paranoid and fearful person and when I was first 'called' to create this page in October last year, I was stunned.  I could not see why anyone would want to read a page about my journey of life, love and healing, let alone follow it.  I have come far enough in this life to trust that when I am 'called' it works best for me if I follow that call.  I've had so many amazing, rich, fulfilling and miraculous things happen when I've answered 'the call' that there was no question of me NOT writing this blog and keeping it going.  Every day my ego still says "no, stop.  No one reads it anyway".  and every day I tell my Soul: "you write it".  This project is bigger than I've ever yet known how to be and I'm not keen to make it small like I've tried to do to myself for so much of my life.  My faith in something bigger than me is my driving force.  Faith has opened me up to expose the jewels inside and out and my faith is now unwavering.  The part of myself I am making peace with now is about having that same faith in myself.  Having faith is worth nothing to me without recognising myself as one with it.

That's where my photos come in.  You may notice that the theme of the photos I'm using changed recently.  I have been using pictures of myself that have been altered in different styles.  This is part of the process of raising my awareness and learning to love myself past separateness. A couple of years ago I did some media training as part of the role I was in.  I was managing a service and would need tools and practice to approach and undertake media opportunities with confidence.  It was a great training session that I enjoyed immensely and I felt very confident - until I watched the tape.  I was so distressed at seeing myself on screen that I almost quit my job.  I knew then that I had some work to do on making peace with my own image.

I had been taking part in group photos for years with joy.  I hadn't allowed myself to realise though, how controlling I was of images of myself: My husband would take pictures of me smiling and I would ask him to delete and retake them until I thought they were 'perfect'; I never allowed full body shots because I could not stand to look at how huge my body seemed to me; I had begun to take selfies but was fanatical about them looking 'just right'.  It was tragic really and I had been working so hard on so much that I'd missed it.  It was now time to work on that too.  The part of that media training I liked best was that I felt good with how I looked off-screen.  When the teacher said I should dress differently for on-screen events, I didn't take that to mean anything about me like I once would have.  It was just a tip for the camera.

I began asking my husband to take more photos of me: working in the garden was big because I once would never have gone for that at all.  The biggest change came when we got married last year.  We were looking over some photos together on our wedding night and both struggling with all of these shots that we thought looked silly.  Wondering if we had any wedding shots that looked worthy of a magazine, we suddenly realised the photos were perfect because they captured exactly who we are.  We were all dressed up in gorgeous clothes, with huge smiles and, we were pulling faces!  We were rolling our eyes, throwing out heads back, crying, chuckling, concentrating and more.  We saw our true selves in those photos and we both embraced that right there.  That's when miracles started to happen.  The way we looked at our photos and ourselves changed right then in that room and our perception of the photos changed too.  We ended up printing off all 1500 photos in colour and in black and white and now have them all over the walls of our bedroom like a shrine.  One of the pictures of me is my favourite photo ever.  I can see my soul shining through and all of life's troubles do not exist in that moment.  Since then all the old photos I have of myself look different to me and I look different in them - it's amazing rally to see the difference that my perception changing has made to what my eyes see.

After our wedding I set out to conquer my dislike of my own image and started taking a selfie a day.  The challenge I set myself was to send it straight to my husband without editing.  The biggest challenge was to send the first take, and not take 20 photos before I found one I was happy with.  I took one photo every morning and sent it straight to my husband.  Sometimes with my hair sticking up, with cold sores, with puffy crying eyes, with sleepy eyes, with pimples and grime, with my tongue poked out.  For around 40 days I did this and then I made peace.  I broke through my poor ego's delusion and stopped making my image so important that I hid it whenever I could.  Right now, I'm working on it more.  I still have a few fears around image so I'm creating the photos I'm using on this blog to have fun with my image and not take myself so seriously.  Seeing myself as a terminator, a robot, an angel, with trees coming out of my head or with flames all around me is fun and liberating.  I am not my face or my body or my looks.  I am soul and there is nothing to not love about me.  I can now laugh, have fun, forgive myself and others and, look at my own image with love and acceptance.  That has taken me 47 years and that's okay.  I'm doing it and I appreciate you helping me to learn how.

May you find peace with who you are too, in your own time and way.  And may I be there to watch you grow also.  

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Grateful

Today I'm allowing the effervescent and sparkling gold of excitement to course through me, awakening all joy receptors and sharpening my senses.  The power of practicing gratitude and devotion is so good for the brain and the heart and in fact, for the whole being.  Oxytocin is a chemical that is secreted in our brains through touch, childbirth, breastfeeding and feeling grateful. Oxytocin makes us feel happy, connected, trusting and safe.  Hugs, having a massage or foot massage, touch therapies, handshakes, getting your hair done, and saying out loud what you feel grateful for can all release oxytocin in our brains.

I began practicing daily gratitude about 9 years ago when I challenged myself to find one thing every day to feel grateful for.  My family brought me a beautiful dragon notebook and I chose it to hold my thanks.  I really struggled at first so I just kept it small and simple: "Today I feel grateful that I want to feel grateful".  "Today I feel grateful that I have a roof over my head".  "Today I feel grateful for coloured socks".  I would write it down and read it out loud every morning.  As each day passed, I became more mindful and aware of things to feel grateful for and it grew from there.  These days every journal entry begins with "I feel....."  Because I feel grateful for being able to feel feelings after so long of not being able to feel anything but the pain borne of not feeling feelings.

Yesterday I was folding washing.  As I'm only able to do laundry occasionally here, there was quite a pile and although I was in a positive frame of mind, my energy began to drop quickly.  Noticing this, my mind brought up the idea of refugees who are not able to do any laundry or homeless people who may only have the clothes on their backs.  I felt immediately grateful that I have laundry to do and I chose in that moment to chant mantras which instantly made my heart soar.  I then felt grateful for having the opportunity to know and learn these fabulous tools and the time, space and willingness to practice using them.  I also noticed how quickly the time passed, how much more I got done and, how little pain was present in my body.  I usually don't finish tasks like that because I get very sore but that didn't happen yesterday at all and I got everything finished - with joy in my heart.  I sat my baby doll inner child up near me and sang the devotion of the mantras to her and I'm sure that helped too.  Today I'm off to meditate and give of myself in service, 2 of my favourite things to do.  Being around beautiful souls who's only intent is to be real and allow me to be real without censorship or controlling each other is like dessert for my Soul.  To be accepted exactly as I am is a bliss I now gift myself in each moment.  

As my spirit soars and my ego surrenders to the true beauty of life, I cannot help but feel grateful to be alive and at one with creation in all its splendour.  Waking up naturally to greet the sun when he climbs into the sky after kissing the moon goodbye is beginning to grow on me.  Hearing the chants of the birds, frogs and insects outside is calming and cheery in the foggy dawn.  As angels alight in my consciousness to guide me through the day my mind greets me with 'Om Shanti': peace.  And indeed the tranquility of pink fills my heart with gentle warmth and glee.  With arms wide open, I greet this day, as every day, with love in my heart and hugs at the ready.

Today I feel grateful that I have the petrol to get to my meditation and service.  May you find at least one thing to feel grateful for today to get the oxytocin in your brain flowing too.  

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Simplicity and the ego

More and more I'm seeing the parallel between what life is for the soul and what life is for the ego in this dimension.  For the soul, all is one - unity is all there is.  Nothing exists outside the all-that-is and separateness is an illusion unseen by the soul at all.  This dimension, this classroom for the soul, is simply a chance to forget that and to rise again to remembering.  It is nothing more and nothing less.  All is love, one story is all that was created by creation itself.  No-thing-ness is love and love is light.  Light is creation and no-thing-ness is the shadow created by Light simply existing.

In comes the ego and says "hang on, now wait just a minute.  I can see more than Light, I can taste more than Light, I can hear more than Light, I can feel more than Light, I can smell more than Light, I can touch more than Light and I can sense that there is more than Light.  I know there is more than Light and the Soul knows nothing!"  The ego gets scared though because the soul has now planted the seed of creation within, which is all the soul had to do in the first place.  Now it can just patiently wait while the ego does all the work, believing it's doing its own thing the whole time.  Neither the soul nor the ego owns the journey, the journey just is.  The journey is what life is for and about, life is the journey.  

The soul makes the choice to incarnate in order to re-member the parts of the Divine body.  It is fully aware of the process that will unfold and the process the ego goes through is all a simple reflection of that so that the soul can re-awaken at any time it chooses.  It goes through symbiosis, individuation, separation and all of the other stages of development that the ego does.  The soul enjoys the ride where the ego questions it and wants to know the mechanics of it.  Both the soul and the ego are necessary and pivotal to the whole thing happening.  Neither is indispensable nor redundant at any time.  Some legs of these journeys are harder and further from the Light than others.  Some are so much further from the Light that they occur in total darkness and look malevolent to the ego.  The awakened soul sees this illusion and loves all regardless.  

During the awakening process, there is a stage parallel with the adolescence of ego where the human brain goes into what the ego perceives as psychotic because it cannot grasp what is happening.  It becomes afraid, paranoid, bitter, blaming, judgmental, narcissistic, arrogant, impatient and it isolates itself while at the same time throwing itself around in its agony.  It tried to numb its own pain with whatever will dull its senses but at its core, it knows it is all only temporary and it fears its own powerlessness.  There is no real control in this for the ego and there is no explanation that it can accept.  This metaphorical 'crucifixion' and 'Armageddon' is what the ego perceives as its own demise and it fights against this 'awakening death' with all its might.  The soul simply waits while the ego learns to surrender and become a team player.  Once they embrace, the Light illumines all and simplicity is revealed as eternal.  There is only one story ever being told, one movie ever being made, one prayer ever being uttered, one song ever being sung and one game ever being played.  We are just all perceiving it at the vibration we are at and it is we who are different at the level of our ego.  The reflection is our own and we will see it in our own time, in our own way, that is the sweetest simplicity of all.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Loving the child

I have not feared death for a very long time.  For me, I 'died' so many times that I became much more afraid of living than I ever was of dying.  I became so afraid of life that I sought death, embraced it, called to it and, eventually tried to control it and force it.  I became attached to the illusion of death and now I wonder if it was because I had so steadfastly refused to attach to life.  Of course, the more I chased after death, the more elusive it became, wriggling out of my desperate clutches time after time.  I perceived that God had abandoned me to suffering, misery and eternity.  I almost came to believe that I was destined to live eternally damned, to never be granted the sweet release I thought I would find in death.  But then I found the truth within and I had learned what death had sought to teach me - it was time to  individuate - to cut the symbiotic apron strings I'd built with death and start living my life.  I felt like something died inside as abuse and trauma rocked me out of my illusions time and time again for year after year.  I now see that in each of those moments where 'something died in me that day', my ego had learned to let go.  I see death now as only a state of awakening for the ego as the soul never dies.  I 'died' over and over in order for my sleeping soul to awaken within me and burn off the ego's armour which had grown tight, restrictive and unbending around me.  The inflexibility of that armour encased the cells of my being in rigidity and toxicity, creating physical, mental and spiritual health issues and I had very little knowledge at the time of how to change any of it.  I suffered but therein lies an amazing and majestic wonder all of its own.

All through my teens I told myself that I was born to suffer and that I needed to get used to it, to suck it up and get over it.  I was very harsh, had no compassion or empathy and, as the brain is going through extreme changes at that age, I know now that it was not an abnormal attitude to have.  I had the illusion though of suffering as martyrdom rather than as a lesson to learn from and let go of.  In her own way my mother tried to instruct me on martyrdom but I knew it all.  I truly had to learn my own lessons, as I'm sure many of us do.  I wrapped suffering around me like a cloak of invisibility, choosing to hide from the world.  I imagined myself to be some huge, rotting, putrid enigma that no one could possibly love or accept and, through isolation I was able to support my own illusions on that.  Then I had children.  I loved those babies so much that the world opened up and I had to live, truly begin living.  My ego died again and again in order to love with all my heart and soul.  I loved them so deeply, unconditionally and perfectly that I surrendered all that I believed myself to be.  I arranged my whole world around them because there was nothing else of me.  I didn't know who, how or what to be by then and I didn't yet know that I was learning it right there and then.  As humans it would have been nice for my kids to have a mother who could live her own life in a healthy, adult way.  As souls, we each knew we were family, supporting and unconditional in our love and understanding.  My children were my greatest teachers and they taught me the joy that life can bring when I open myself up to it.  They taught me to take responsibility and to judge less.  They taught me to look within myself for the answers I seek and to stop blaming the world for all of my problems.  They taught me to wake up and aim high, to expand my consciousness and to become mindful of my environment.  My kids taught me the value of life and of love.

I didn't know all this at the time and I struggled to let go of my cloak of suffering.  Although I could not see it then, there was a much bigger awakening that my soul was preparing me for.  It would take many 'deaths' and new beginnings to arrive at the door of my soul; charred and blackened, with the shiny, pink joy of newborn innocence gleaming out from under the carbonised fossil of who I used to be.  In order to get to that gate, I'd had to jump off cliffs; dive into the nothingness of eternity; walk into the fiery bowels of hell itself and holding my own hand, walk out again with my head held high; to drown in a tsunami of feelings and judgments; to die and die and die again until I learned how to embrace life.  Until I saw with clarity and honesty how many thousands of ways I had rejected the gift of creation itself.  I had been mindlessly killing and abusing myself and laying the blame outside of me, preferring instead to slander those who tried to help me stop.  I had lashed out at those who wanted to love me, help me grow and live longer.  I didn't want to and I didn't have to and, and, and, and, and..... The child inside was alone, afraid, abandoned and attached to the illusion of control.  She was not about to let that go without a fight, and that was meant to be too.

I realised a few years ago, after studying attachment styles, neuroscience, child development and transactional analysis, that until I became a secure attachment figure for my inner child, I would be doomed to seek out comfort from others.  My needs would never be met until I learned how to be the one who met them.  No one else can ever meet the need of my own inner child and until I become that parent to myself, I am at the mercy of my suffering.  The beauty is, that suffering is what drove me forward and kept me moving towards my goal.  Now that I am the parent to myself that life has always hoped I'd be, everything has changed in the most beautiful, miraculous and magical ways.

I hope that you find and meet the child inside if you haven't already.  I hope you get the chance to greet and love that child inside past all intellect and sensibility.  I hope you take the chance to fly high on swings, dance in the waves, jump off the cliffs and bravely march through hellfire and beyond, to see and experience for yourself the glory that a love like that can bring to your life.  Loving the inner child is a love like no other and it brings with it the gift of life itself and the whole blazing, phenomenal, incredible, fantastic universe comes with it.

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Boo yah!!

I'm filled with excitement after meditating cross-legged yesterday for the first time.  I've been yearning to try it but been too afraid.  At the age of 7 I used to cross my legs and walk around the room on my knees.  I loved doing it and could do it for ages, it became my favourite exercise for a while.  Be the age of 9 I found it difficult to cross my legs at all and by 15, I could not do it anymore.  In my 20's I found my knees starting to stiffen and by 35, I could almost bend my knees at all.  Drs told me at 37 robot walk up and down stairs or hills anymore as the arthritis in my knees would become worse.  I as barred from exercising outside of water and no treadmill, bike or winning strokes allowed because my back also was broken and would no longer bend.  I was miserable and so did hydrotherapy for 5 years but then I decided to.........dance.

Not dance classes, not aerobics, not even aquarobics.  I danced to Nutbush City Limits.  I danced one song every 2nd or 3rd week and then I took painkillers and slept for an hour.  I gave myself permission to play and dance as a child would and I came to enjoy it.  Last year I started formal meditation and realised I've been performing yoga for decades, I use didn't know that is what I was doing.  Bhakti yoga is huge in my life and always will be.  

Anyway, I can now meditate cross-legged for 40 minutes and, while I will work up to doing that daily, I feel really excited, blessed, grateful and proud that I've reversed all that supposedly irreversible and fatal health problems in the past 10 years.  I know and believe that prayer, mantra, devotion and belief has helped as much as self-love has.  I've gone from being rigid, reactive, inflexible and taking maximum dosage of codeine based painkillers every single day 12 years ago  to sitting cross-legged for almost an hour, walking okay afterwards and needing no painkillers or drugs of any kind fir the past 10 months.  I knew I could do it if I believed I could but proving it is an unbeatable feeling.

I pray that you find a belief in yourself to heal any pain you have, no matter what someone else tells you.

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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The cocoon

If we're all different and all at different vibrations, here to learn different things, it makes sense to me we will experience the same things differently too.  I spent decades wondering why child abuse happens and, more importantly at the time, why it had happened to me.  When I first met my husband I began saying that he was my reward for time served.  I felt like I would choose to live the same childhood again if I could also choose to have him waiting at the finish line.  The depth and sweetness of the love we have is so incredible that I cannot adequately describe it in words.  Like the most heavenly melody, our love opens cosmic gateways that call others into our orbit and leave them shining in kind.  It is the kind of love that musicians, writers, bards and poets wax lyrical over and, after years of what I once called misery, I found that love and I held it tight.  That love held me through the darkness of my thawing out.  I was so frozen in fear that I was only capable of judgment and cynicism when I found that love.  I lashed out at it, spitting in fury and pushing it away, vocal and honest about how black and hurtful I saw myself to be.  I oozed a thick tar across my life and I spat it into the air in my turgid terror, wanting so much to break free but not knowing how.  I was trapped in the darkness of awakening and fast losing sight of my own feeble light.  As much as I fought and scratched, my husband reached down into the farthest reaches of my heart and tenderly lifted my Soul back up where I could see it for myself.  In that moment, hope stirred within me for the first time in years and I knew peace.  It was fleeting and flimsy but it was real peace and I wanted to find it again so I threw everything up in the air and ran towards that peace with an abandon I had never known.

In the weeks that followed, my self hatred spewed out of me in a fresh torrent as my ego fought with frenzy against the death it knew it was dying. The blackened, toxic stench of self-loathing and the desire for self-annihilation erupted out of every pore and I reeled in dazed shock.  How on earth could my ego keep me downtrodden in comfortable fear if I opened myself up to a love so true?  It could not, and it knew it.  My poor, dying, deluded ego kicked, screamed, hated, wailed, moaned and flailed in an effort to tear me away but, there was a light in my eyes that I'd sought since creation and I knew in my heart to hold on no matter what.  I doubted my husband, I questioned his motives, I tried to convince him I was bad, I told him all of my worst 'stories' where I'd been the bad guy, I tried to set him free (rescuing him).  I even tried to convince us both that I should go back to where I came from and suffer permanently.  Luckily for me, he was having none of it.  Finally I had met someone strong enough to hold me in the broken places, I'd got to the meeting place and I'd met Love face to face, my ego was paralysed with fear and my Soul was ecstatic - the war raged on inside.  Shadow after shadow raised its head, and as the protagonists in a long and drawn out battle would, they plotted and planned their strategies with care, sending their best soldiers and assassins against me at all hours for months on end.  Often the voracity and suddenness with which they attacked brought me to my knees or worse, planted my face to the dirt.  Now though, I had Love and that gave me hope.  Through all this I've learned to never again underestimate the power of hope.  

That was quite a while ago now and in the past year I've gone through a similar awakening again.  I married my husband last year, at the beginning of the new siege.  Once again he reached in and took my Soul by the hand, this time offering his hand while I raised myself to my feet with dignity.  This time I saw the attack for what it truly is - purification.  My shadow is not out to get me, it has been keeping me safe until I was ready to see it, embrace it, love it and let it go. My ego is my ally, not my enemy.  As my ego learns to let go and allow room for my Soul, amazing things are happening within and without.  I am in a cocoon and it is turning and swirling through the rainbows of Life, metamorphosing me into my true self, a Divine blend of human and spirit.  Both my ego and soul are necessary and The Climb has brought us together as one.  The wings have formed and the pupae is growing, bursts of Light flash gently through my being at times, exercising my nervous system in readiness.  Life is exquisitely fragile yet strong, and so am I.  I have never acknowledged my fragility until now, needing to project myself as impenetrable even to me because I could not penetrate the substrate of fear keeping my heart secure from my own self.

Now I can see the huge projector screen this world provides and have let go of the blame I used as a lance and shield for so long.  Now I'm learning what Love has been teaching me all along.  Now I see the patterns of my life, the silken web of providence, the tapestry of God, the dexterity with which my Soul has sewn my experiences together to create a life of miracles.  Now I see how this moment is every moment of creation and nothing more.  This moment is all that I live for and love is the energy that created it - my own love.  As I throw my arms open wide to greet the day, I thank all that is Love for every moment that this moment now contains.

May your day be as filled with love as I'm choosing mine to be.

RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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Faith in me

Today I feel grateful for my faith.  I once had no faith in anything and especially not in myself.  As a small child I had faith, I remember it as something that came naturally to me until about the age of 9.  Between the ages of 9-15, I got lost in pain and judgment and then at 15, the pain was so great that when I survived an horrendous car crash that took the life of my best friend, I gave up my faith in any Divine benevolence wanting to know about me.  I began to coach myself out of faith by noticing when I was leaning on faith and stopping myself.  I see now how even this darkest of times in my life helped me to grow and learn.  I was practicing mindfulness, becoming aware of my thoughts and choosing which thoughts to have.  I couldn't see it but there I was at 15, already taking some responsibility for the life I wanted in that moment.  Although I was hurting really badly and my choices may have created more pain, I know it was the right choice for that moment and it was exactly how I needed my life to go to get me to today where my faith is so strong I can live in a house that is only one bedroom, with everything else outside without walls; with no personal income; 20 minutes from the nearest town, with no fridge and almost no electricity; eating a plant based diet and making friend with kangaroos, Eagles and deer while I share the heart of who I am with people I don't know from around the globe.  Faith led me to live this way because I would never have thought to choose it by myself.  About a year ago I felt called to start this page.  I thought it was madness but I also knew to not ignore a 'call' so I began sharing my poems and musings.  My ego made sure I didn't give too much of myself and, as I've grown more and opened up more to myself it's become easier to trust in my faith.  I am still called to do this and I will continue to answer that call, whatever it takes as I'm learning every day to trust more, that I am really only an instrument.  A few days ago I was going to stop writing my blog as I judged that it was ego writing it.  I spoke to my higher self and handed over the reigns saying "you write it please".  The next day there were over 500 new page likes and I've uttered the same words every day since.

I was an intensely private person until about 10 years ago when I began serving my community and realised that no one could get to know me because I couldn't open up.  I learned how to do that but still held fear as paranoia within me and so I only shared what I deemed 'appropriate' with really rigid control of myself.  I still cared so much then about what other people might think of me that I had still had not worked out how to enjoy life.  I was able to love everyone I met with no expectation of them but I was not doing that for myself too.  Although I was trying and working on it consciously all the time, I was not ready or able to recognise that all it would take was to accept myself exactly as I was in each moment.  I was way too intent on becoming something else.  I laugh lovingly at the memory today of how earnestly I supported others in loving who they were but could not do it for me.  What an incredible classroom I've had.

Today I can love me as is.  Not because I have potential or because of who I might one day become or because of who others say I am, I love me because I love me.  There is no other reason and no quantifiers, no explanations necessary, no expectations nor fears any longer about what I might be labelled because I can now love me.  I just do.  It feels good, it feels natural, it feels right and.......I can let go of the need to love me now and just be love instead.  Love is in my breathing, in my walking, in my learning, in my worship, in my speech, in my writing, in my gardening. It's in my thinking, in the world around me, it's in you and in the earth and in the cosmos.  Loving me is loving all and loving all is loving me.  What a great recognition as I head off to Satsang to be with a wonderful community of people who can sit beside me as my Soul songs it's joy in their joy.

May your day be as blissful and blessed as I'm choosing to make my day today.

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RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #prayer #inspiration #quote #vibration #inspiringquotes #followforfollow #ascension #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualhealing #soul #gratitude #neuroscienceinaction #love #unityconsciousness #life #healing #tothineownselfbetrue #positivevibes #mythoughts #energy #peaceonearth #remembering