For a long time I judged myself for having faith, for believing in God, for believing in anything really. I had become so good at doubting and fearing that it was almost like a 'blanky', I parented my Inner Child with fear and doubt. As my faith grew, my fear and doubt decreased but, it all became more subtle too. That's the thing when we take our direct focus away from something it can become more difficult to recognise and therefore trickier to eliminate. In my case I struggled to see my doubts and fears because they became very subtle but life provided reflections for me and sent me people who also judged me for the strength of my faith. At the time I didn't fully realise the reflection and so I judged them too. That's the hamster wheel, a viscous circle of awaken-sleep-awaken until we wake up AND get out of the bed AND leave the room.
For a year I prayed to God to make me humble. Regardless of any hardship I perceive I've had, I love my God. I have vowed to serve God for the rest of my life and that did not come from any religion, it came from my heart. That vow came from knowing my God through learning to love and be of service to myself and others. It came through loving my God and wanting to believe that every person and everything is God in my life. I'm still getting there, I know it and believe it but in the moment, I sometimes forget as my ego does 'the dance' she does. These days it only takes a few moments to remember though.
Anyway, I want and intend to serve God in whatever way I am led and I prayed every day for a year to be humble, to have humility. I thought about what I was asking, I didn't just wildly wish on the genies lamp. As always, God heard my prayers. I threw myself into a raging furnace and ground my face into the dust. I knew it was coming, I was sort of prepared. I am so glad I uttered those prayers because I had no idea how much ego ruled me. I'd spent so much of my life terrified of ego that I had tried to annihilate mine. I'd even managed to convince myself I didn't have ego which is impossible if I'm alive. Remembering that I asked to be humble helped in the core of that fire as I felt myself burn away layer upon layer of illusion.
I know now, ego is the Inner Child, The Self that exists, the 'guide' for life. I've known that for years but now I know it on a deeper level in a more profound way. Ego is not something to be hated or feared. It is the ultimate target for our love because it is the way to the Soul. When we can love ego, our life becomes miraculous. Humility is loving the ego, knowing what we're capable of and not judging it at all. Humility is unconditional and something I'm still working on but I'm humble enough now to let go of perfectionism. I'm humble enough for today. I'm over hiding the strength of my faith because I feel afraid that someone else will reflect my fears back to me. That's still ego driving the bus anyway. I love my God with all my heart and soul and my life has become a miracle because of that Love. The struggles and torments I once complained so loudly about are now becoming gifts before my very eyes and I now look forward to every day. My God has steered me inwards to my Self where I can be one with that Divinity and hear the messages of love. I have answered the call for many years now and although I have not always understood, it has always worked out so I trust it. Now I've been called forth again and it will mean big changes again but hey, adventures are fun right? I have love, I can serve, and I am free to choose, what could be better? I will be moving on again and will leap into the unknown but my parachute is really sturdy and secure so what the heck, it won't be the first metaphorical cliff I've jumped off as Angels hold me up.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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