Yesterday I rediscovered my natural startle reflex. I was having an Ignite Your Spirit healing at Shanti Mission and was feeling very relaxed, peaceful and calm when my hand suddenly and gently flicked out. During the session, I observed it at least three more times and I immediately knew that the action resembled that of a newborn sleeping baby. I smiled to myself in understanding and pride like a mother has for her newborn. This rebirth I'm allowing for myself right now is amazing in that I am my parent, adult and infant child self all at once and, I'm aware of it constantly. The newborn infant me is content to just be and sleeps peacefully at my breast as any infant would. When her eyes open within me they are filled with wonder and not fear. When I reach for her she longs to be held and to shine without needing to dim her natural light in any way at all.
I spent decades terrified of life and everything in it. I was beaten, raped, bullied, mocked, screamed at, judged, ridiculed, and even spat on during the first 35 years of my life. I thought I'd escaped abuse 12 years ago but learned again that it was still around and I changed some more. I went through so much even in the past 3 years and then my eyesight began to fail too. I needed glasses but specialists could find no reason for my quickening blindness. I knew it was caused by my 'unseeing' perception so I changed more and bang!!! Abuse was back again. This time though, I knew almost immediately it was a reflection from within. This time, I stopped it dead in its tracks within and without. Not only did I remove myself from the people who believed it was okay to abuse me, I also recognised I was still abusing myself and that the external situation was just a mirror for my own behaviour towards me. I stopped abusing myself too and an amazing thing happened - I was transformed.
The transformation has not been easy and at times I have really struggled to hold on but, it has been incredible even so. I'm learning new tools to help me stay grounded and truly self-empowered so each day is easier. My brain is onboard in fantastic ways like chanting mantras or prayers if I forget and get anxious, which is not often now. Things that used to crush me quickly now elicit almost no reaction other than curiosity. The great thing for me is that it's not happening in a dissociated way. Now, I'm totally aware of myself and loving the learning of every experience. I've been able to reflect on all of the trauma and abuse in my past and actually find positives in it, lessons, meanings and something to be grateful for. I certainly never dreamed that was possible before!!!
I'm excited to say that every now and then my eyesight clears and I can read small print without glasses again. I know and believe I'm going to heal my eyes just as I have already healed cancer, cluster headaches, migraine, a broken back, arthritis, clinical depression, extreme dissociation and other debilitating issues in my body and mind before. It may have taken me 47 years to surrender my ego to Love and I may not be done yet but boy I'm glad I am who I am. I can now honestly say that I'm grateful for every, single moment of my life and all that it has taught me. I'm grateful that my Soul is showing me how to be Love in truth. I'm grateful that I'm alive and free. I'm grateful that I'm no longer afraid of my own shadow.
Each day now I can see my life in slightly different ways and am beginning to take everything much less personally than I used to. I see Gods hand in everything and know not to take offence. It feels so much more liberating than the way my poor ego saw things. Now I see past right and wrong, good and bad, us and them, me and you. Now I'm coming into the Light of who I truly am and my infant self is the way for me. Loving me as her is a joy and an honour and all of the old self-loathing is really gone. The old 'stuff' I carried in my cells and my memories has been making its way to the surface for months in many ways, sometimes disturbing and confusing but also quite miraculously. This cleaning has been so necessary and symbolic and I will do whatever it takes to see it through. Living with only a small generator for power has also symbolically helped hugely - almost no power - as I learn the truth of power and how not to fear it anymore. I know that every, single thing that does and doesn't feel good to me is helping me to grow now and I truly appreciate that help. Life is not what I thought it was, life to me now is a joy and a miracle. Pain really does contain blessings and once I began to love myself, I began to see that.
Loving you was always easy for me and now, I can love me too. Yesterday I realised that I've been expecting my infant self to hurry up and grow up again, fearful that I should be "doing", be taking more responsibility for..... [insert any judgment and 'should' you can think of here]. I realised I still need to change my perspective on responsibility too. This process will take as long as it takes and I surrender to it fully and completely, however long it takes. I trust me/mother/father/God/Divine/Universe/mySoul to hold and provide, to teach me how to do that more lovingly for myself. This is the chance of a lifetime, the one trip that not everyone can go on and I'm on it. What a true blessing.
May you be blessed in all ways today too.
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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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