Today I feel grateful for my faith. I once had no faith in anything and especially not in myself. As a small child I had faith, I remember it as something that came naturally to me until about the age of 9. Between the ages of 9-15, I got lost in pain and judgment and then at 15, the pain was so great that when I survived an horrendous car crash that took the life of my best friend, I gave up my faith in any Divine benevolence wanting to know about me. I began to coach myself out of faith by noticing when I was leaning on faith and stopping myself. I see now how even this darkest of times in my life helped me to grow and learn. I was practicing mindfulness, becoming aware of my thoughts and choosing which thoughts to have. I couldn't see it but there I was at 15, already taking some responsibility for the life I wanted in that moment. Although I was hurting really badly and my choices may have created more pain, I know it was the right choice for that moment and it was exactly how I needed my life to go to get me to today where my faith is so strong I can live in a house that is only one bedroom, with everything else outside without walls; with no personal income; 20 minutes from the nearest town, with no fridge and almost no electricity; eating a plant based diet and making friend with kangaroos, Eagles and deer while I share the heart of who I am with people I don't know from around the globe. Faith led me to live this way because I would never have thought to choose it by myself. About a year ago I felt called to start this page. I thought it was madness but I also knew to not ignore a 'call' so I began sharing my poems and musings. My ego made sure I didn't give too much of myself and, as I've grown more and opened up more to myself it's become easier to trust in my faith. I am still called to do this and I will continue to answer that call, whatever it takes as I'm learning every day to trust more, that I am really only an instrument. A few days ago I was going to stop writing my blog as I judged that it was ego writing it. I spoke to my higher self and handed over the reigns saying "you write it please". The next day there were over 500 new page likes and I've uttered the same words every day since.
I was an intensely private person until about 10 years ago when I began serving my community and realised that no one could get to know me because I couldn't open up. I learned how to do that but still held fear as paranoia within me and so I only shared what I deemed 'appropriate' with really rigid control of myself. I still cared so much then about what other people might think of me that I had still had not worked out how to enjoy life. I was able to love everyone I met with no expectation of them but I was not doing that for myself too. Although I was trying and working on it consciously all the time, I was not ready or able to recognise that all it would take was to accept myself exactly as I was in each moment. I was way too intent on becoming something else. I laugh lovingly at the memory today of how earnestly I supported others in loving who they were but could not do it for me. What an incredible classroom I've had.
Today I can love me as is. Not because I have potential or because of who I might one day become or because of who others say I am, I love me because I love me. There is no other reason and no quantifiers, no explanations necessary, no expectations nor fears any longer about what I might be labelled because I can now love me. I just do. It feels good, it feels natural, it feels right and.......I can let go of the need to love me now and just be love instead. Love is in my breathing, in my walking, in my learning, in my worship, in my speech, in my writing, in my gardening. It's in my thinking, in the world around me, it's in you and in the earth and in the cosmos. Loving me is loving all and loving all is loving me. What a great recognition as I head off to Satsang to be with a wonderful community of people who can sit beside me as my Soul songs it's joy in their joy.
May your day be as blissful and blessed as I'm choosing to make my day today.
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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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