I realised tonight that I feel afraid of being judged. What that tells me is that I must be judgmental in some way and I need to work out what that is and make a choice to change it if I want peace around it. I need to ask God to help and allow the people closest to me to see into my heart.
I also realised that I need to judge myself less
XxjxX
23 Oct 2012
9 Sept 2012
One love, one God
I do not follow any particular religion and I don't feel a need to. Although I was baptized and instructed as a Christian, I feel challenged by the dogma of religion.
As a 5 year old, I felt some of the religiosity was contradictory and not aligned with the loving God I already knew at that age.
Recently, my 5 year old self has given me a new, innocent pearl of wisdom. I have been strengthening my faith and inviting God into my life each day as well as praying with my inner family each night and I refuse to believe in so-called evil or 'the devil' as my Christian friends call it. I know it is very real for them and very scary but I refuse to allow it to be real for me and my 5 year old self has revealed that for her it is about an OT message: thou will not worship false gods. She says that if I believe (aka: give my power to) those things, I will be worshipping false gods. As I dearly want to give all of my power to the one God, I will/do only believe in/think about/speak about 1 God - my God is love and no other thing will I worship even unconsciously. Amen xx
As a 5 year old, I felt some of the religiosity was contradictory and not aligned with the loving God I already knew at that age.
Recently, my 5 year old self has given me a new, innocent pearl of wisdom. I have been strengthening my faith and inviting God into my life each day as well as praying with my inner family each night and I refuse to believe in so-called evil or 'the devil' as my Christian friends call it. I know it is very real for them and very scary but I refuse to allow it to be real for me and my 5 year old self has revealed that for her it is about an OT message: thou will not worship false gods. She says that if I believe (aka: give my power to) those things, I will be worshipping false gods. As I dearly want to give all of my power to the one God, I will/do only believe in/think about/speak about 1 God - my God is love and no other thing will I worship even unconsciously. Amen xx
21 Aug 2012
Grief
I have heard it said that grief cannot be processed like feelings can and I agree with that only from a very literal position. I see grief as a state of being, a collection of feelings that need to be felt. So granted, a state of being is not a feeling and therefore the state of grief is not 'processed'. The individual feelings can be though and were I to not allow those feelings their time and expression, I run the risk of further traumatising myself.
My understanding of grief is that the head and the heart are both overwhelmed so my heart will feel loss, anger, sadness, hurt, etc and my head will go through denial, bargaining, resentment, etc and only when I go through the whole range will my grief begin to subside.
I have seen too many people incapacitated by unresolved grief to ignore the importance of this natural life process so I give myself permission to grieve and I place no conditions upon myself for what I might grieve - I will simply allow myself to move through it as best I can with love, faith and grace xx
My understanding of grief is that the head and the heart are both overwhelmed so my heart will feel loss, anger, sadness, hurt, etc and my head will go through denial, bargaining, resentment, etc and only when I go through the whole range will my grief begin to subside.
I have seen too many people incapacitated by unresolved grief to ignore the importance of this natural life process so I give myself permission to grieve and I place no conditions upon myself for what I might grieve - I will simply allow myself to move through it as best I can with love, faith and grace xx
11 Jul 2012
Hangin in there
I'm still working, still loving it!
Life is hectic right now and I'm not sure I would be okay with my faith. I'm feeling lonely but with faith and my inner family I don't feel alone.
I've had some HUGE challenges and although I'm sure there are better ways to handle a lot of them I feel I have remained true to myself which is a big improvement on days of old. I feel very proud that I no longer need to blame others for the way that I feel at any time because I know now that I am responsible for the way that I feel!! It has taken a long time to learn that and I'm glad I can own it now. I feel really sad at how many people I must have hurt over the years I was a victim and blamed and dumped on everyone who have me any scrap of attention. I truly regret causing anyone pain and that's the one thing I would change if I could.
I've been beating up on myself again because I can't seem to be who or want the people around me seem to expect but I'm realizing that now at least, I CAN be ME!! Anyone who doesn't like that needs to look to themselves.
I know that I love loyally, care deeply, feel passionately and try determinedly. I take things very literally because it's how I feel safe. If I say what I mean and mean what I say, I hurt less and I don't hurt as many other people. Sometimes I feel scared that people are judging me. What other people think of me is none of my business. I wish that everyone I love could see into my heart and see the true, unconditional love I have and I wish I knew how to show that but we all interpret things our own way so it's probably just a hopeful dream to think that will happen.
I thank God that I did not succeed in my numerous suicide attempts all those years ago and that I now can love life. I feel grateful that there are people who ARE taking the time to get to really know me coz they are guiding my spirit and restoring my hope in dreams. Some small part of me still feels sad that I can't do the hundreds of things I need to do each day and answer 76 emails while I make 10 phone calls and answer 24 more in between rosters and spreadsheets and meetings and a crisis or 3, oh, and eat my lunch over the top of the chaos coz theres no time for breaks.
I've lost 5 people in my life recently and they all went unexpectedly. I've also had big shocks over 2 more and l have not been sleeping great. I'm aware that I need to make changes and I have begun too - it feels scary to own that I have needs now but I love me too now and I need to behave like I do.
CYA next time (RIP Jo) xxxxx
Life is hectic right now and I'm not sure I would be okay with my faith. I'm feeling lonely but with faith and my inner family I don't feel alone.
I've had some HUGE challenges and although I'm sure there are better ways to handle a lot of them I feel I have remained true to myself which is a big improvement on days of old. I feel very proud that I no longer need to blame others for the way that I feel at any time because I know now that I am responsible for the way that I feel!! It has taken a long time to learn that and I'm glad I can own it now. I feel really sad at how many people I must have hurt over the years I was a victim and blamed and dumped on everyone who have me any scrap of attention. I truly regret causing anyone pain and that's the one thing I would change if I could.
I've been beating up on myself again because I can't seem to be who or want the people around me seem to expect but I'm realizing that now at least, I CAN be ME!! Anyone who doesn't like that needs to look to themselves.
I know that I love loyally, care deeply, feel passionately and try determinedly. I take things very literally because it's how I feel safe. If I say what I mean and mean what I say, I hurt less and I don't hurt as many other people. Sometimes I feel scared that people are judging me. What other people think of me is none of my business. I wish that everyone I love could see into my heart and see the true, unconditional love I have and I wish I knew how to show that but we all interpret things our own way so it's probably just a hopeful dream to think that will happen.
I thank God that I did not succeed in my numerous suicide attempts all those years ago and that I now can love life. I feel grateful that there are people who ARE taking the time to get to really know me coz they are guiding my spirit and restoring my hope in dreams. Some small part of me still feels sad that I can't do the hundreds of things I need to do each day and answer 76 emails while I make 10 phone calls and answer 24 more in between rosters and spreadsheets and meetings and a crisis or 3, oh, and eat my lunch over the top of the chaos coz theres no time for breaks.
I've lost 5 people in my life recently and they all went unexpectedly. I've also had big shocks over 2 more and l have not been sleeping great. I'm aware that I need to make changes and I have begun too - it feels scary to own that I have needs now but I love me too now and I need to behave like I do.
CYA next time (RIP Jo) xxxxx
30 Apr 2012
♋ Please God? ♋
As much as I am sure that God has faith in me & I in God, faith is easily tested and prayers can be forgotten in moments of trial. I believe it is those very moments when hardship threatens to overwhelm that faith has been created for and vice versa.
In her song "held" Natalie Grant sings that "the promise was, when everything fell we'd be held". I believe that too. Not for me a human God who would do nothing while I suffered! No, my God held me through the suffering so that I WOULD survive it. My God showed me seemingly tiny miracles that I refused to see. My God believed in me even when I turned away and my God shone Light into the blackest blackness to call me home again. My God gave me the one thing so long ago that could make me fight to win - my children and, my God fought beside me when I began to lose the battle.
I never knew any of that at the time and I was not ready to know. I am now, and I know God still carries me across every bridge, still walks with me through the deepest agonies, still loves me without any strings attached and I love my God. As I weather another storm and ride another wave of doubt, my God cries out through the darkness of my humanity to call my soul into the light, and I will follow willingly, for now I'm ready to be who I am created to be and my faith is pure and unbreakable - I love you God and I will follow you wherever you lead xxxx
In her song "held" Natalie Grant sings that "the promise was, when everything fell we'd be held". I believe that too. Not for me a human God who would do nothing while I suffered! No, my God held me through the suffering so that I WOULD survive it. My God showed me seemingly tiny miracles that I refused to see. My God believed in me even when I turned away and my God shone Light into the blackest blackness to call me home again. My God gave me the one thing so long ago that could make me fight to win - my children and, my God fought beside me when I began to lose the battle.
I never knew any of that at the time and I was not ready to know. I am now, and I know God still carries me across every bridge, still walks with me through the deepest agonies, still loves me without any strings attached and I love my God. As I weather another storm and ride another wave of doubt, my God cries out through the darkness of my humanity to call my soul into the light, and I will follow willingly, for now I'm ready to be who I am created to be and my faith is pure and unbreakable - I love you God and I will follow you wherever you lead xxxx
15 Apr 2012
Catching up
Hello again, it's been a while since I felt able to spare time for this blog. I have a new job, a new place to live and a new challenge.
It's week 14 in my new job and I love it! I'm making lots of mistakes (=learning) and there are many huge challenges but I really am enjoying it and I'm enjoying my life more too. I have almost no time to myself but it feels really good to be working full-time again and paying tax. I am very grateful for the pension I received while I worked hard at healing my mind/body/spirit from the brokenness of the past and now I have an income again, I'm trying really hard to create a new mindset for the way I view money too. I have savings for only the 2nd time ever and it feels good! I have an account for car costs and an account for utilities. Every week, after I pay my rent, I deposit money into each account and then buy food, petrol, etc. I even have some left over! I'm really happy with how that's going and I thank God for the opportunity to learn. In my old life, when I had heaps of money ($120,000 p/a), I felt completely powerless in how to use it and although I thought I was responsible with money, I gave my power away, to it and to others so this new finacial awareness is refreshing
My new home is gorgeous. It is small and it is easy to keep clean, which is great with my health issues. I can actually vacuum now - I just take my time and not push myself to 'get into it' like I once would have. I have a massive Bhudda head in my loungeroom which inspires me to remember God/Love in my life and I have treated myself to a new comforter set for my bed which is bright and fresh and cheerful, in colours that remind me of the sea. Although my man is only here 1 or 2 days each week and I miss him when he's not, I am also enjoying my own company in a way I never have before - hell, I used to hate being alone with me and would distract myself constantly but now - I love who I am becoming and I feel inspired by all of the amazing people in my life to keep growing, learning and being.
Yep, I love the way my life is right now and I've even started dreaming of one day owning my own hoe again - hopefully, I won't give the next one away :)
It's week 14 in my new job and I love it! I'm making lots of mistakes (=learning) and there are many huge challenges but I really am enjoying it and I'm enjoying my life more too. I have almost no time to myself but it feels really good to be working full-time again and paying tax. I am very grateful for the pension I received while I worked hard at healing my mind/body/spirit from the brokenness of the past and now I have an income again, I'm trying really hard to create a new mindset for the way I view money too. I have savings for only the 2nd time ever and it feels good! I have an account for car costs and an account for utilities. Every week, after I pay my rent, I deposit money into each account and then buy food, petrol, etc. I even have some left over! I'm really happy with how that's going and I thank God for the opportunity to learn. In my old life, when I had heaps of money ($120,000 p/a), I felt completely powerless in how to use it and although I thought I was responsible with money, I gave my power away, to it and to others so this new finacial awareness is refreshing
My new home is gorgeous. It is small and it is easy to keep clean, which is great with my health issues. I can actually vacuum now - I just take my time and not push myself to 'get into it' like I once would have. I have a massive Bhudda head in my loungeroom which inspires me to remember God/Love in my life and I have treated myself to a new comforter set for my bed which is bright and fresh and cheerful, in colours that remind me of the sea. Although my man is only here 1 or 2 days each week and I miss him when he's not, I am also enjoying my own company in a way I never have before - hell, I used to hate being alone with me and would distract myself constantly but now - I love who I am becoming and I feel inspired by all of the amazing people in my life to keep growing, learning and being.
Yep, I love the way my life is right now and I've even started dreaming of one day owning my own hoe again - hopefully, I won't give the next one away :)
19 Feb 2012
4 easy ingredients (for my healing)
It was once suggested to me that 4 things were needed for me to heal from the effects of childhood trauma:
1: safety
2: support (both professional and personal)
3: information (healthy and balanced)
4: connection to the inner child (right brain, emotional self, etc).
I loved the simplicity of this and embraced it entirely. I began looking at and becoming more aware of my own safety on every level which really helped me to find courage and inner strength. I set boundaries and learned to let others set boundaries of their own with me. I created safety in my own world and that made me feel safer in the outer world. As I learned to trust my own ability and intuition, I felt less afraid of everything.
I got a lovely counsellor to support me for 2 sessions every week and attended the workshops she ran Wich meant that in effect I had daily counselling for 2 years and I flooded myself with information about such things as healthy relationships; anger; self esteem; journalling; domestic violence; inner wisdom; sexuality and much more. I realized quickly that I had huge deficits in the area of life skills-there were things that a lot of other people took for granted as common sense that I had no concept of, so I read books written for children and teens too. There turned out to be so much I didn't know.
Eventually I remembered the feelings too-the inner child.
I know now (after 7 years of counselling and a huge amount of effort and tears, that the me I used to be is not the me I was born to be and not the me I am today. I have a dissociative identity but I am happy,whole and loved and now I even have hopes and dreams!! It's finally a wonderful life and I owe it to myself to enjoy it and keep moving forward xxxxx
1: safety
2: support (both professional and personal)
3: information (healthy and balanced)
4: connection to the inner child (right brain, emotional self, etc).
I loved the simplicity of this and embraced it entirely. I began looking at and becoming more aware of my own safety on every level which really helped me to find courage and inner strength. I set boundaries and learned to let others set boundaries of their own with me. I created safety in my own world and that made me feel safer in the outer world. As I learned to trust my own ability and intuition, I felt less afraid of everything.
I got a lovely counsellor to support me for 2 sessions every week and attended the workshops she ran Wich meant that in effect I had daily counselling for 2 years and I flooded myself with information about such things as healthy relationships; anger; self esteem; journalling; domestic violence; inner wisdom; sexuality and much more. I realized quickly that I had huge deficits in the area of life skills-there were things that a lot of other people took for granted as common sense that I had no concept of, so I read books written for children and teens too. There turned out to be so much I didn't know.
Eventually I remembered the feelings too-the inner child.
I know now (after 7 years of counselling and a huge amount of effort and tears, that the me I used to be is not the me I was born to be and not the me I am today. I have a dissociative identity but I am happy,whole and loved and now I even have hopes and dreams!! It's finally a wonderful life and I owe it to myself to enjoy it and keep moving forward xxxxx
6 Jan 2012
Time to make some changes
I am moving house again in 2 days. Stepping into a brand new job-the first full time job I've had in 7 years! I feel scared, excited, sad, nervous and anxious but who wouldn't? I love the company, adore the staff, am in awe of the clients and am sincerely passionate about the cause so feelings or not, I'm ready to step up and serve, wish me luck xxx
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