Happy birthday Nanna

The opportunity arose today to grieve again, in safety,  the loss of my beloved Nanna who was born 87 years ago today.  When she died, I was unable to cope with the enormity of my grief.  I felt like my very soul had broken, in fact, there was not one atom of my being that didn't break.  Even my thoughts broke.  Each time I tried to 'ground', focus, think, I saw slivers and fragments in my minds eye as I literally and figuratively shattered.  I had come out of psyche the day before and had no resources, no comprehension of how to get well and then... desolation, despair, horror, a gnawing, gaping, black chasm opened up inside me and I chose to dive in.  I was unable and unwilling to be part of life for the next 7 months and the blackness felt so comforting and understanding right then.  In that blackness I saw the tiniest spark of light and I nestled against it.  That spark became my new pseudo attachment figure  as I struggled to comprehend the depth of the loss, the shock, the pain, the nothingness.  I eventually found God in that blackness.

Today, my body felt the physical pressure I had been unable to feel in 1998.  Today it was safe to grieve -openly and unashamedly, to let the tears fall, to feel gratitude for the gift of unconditional love my Nanna gave me, to be joyful at having her in my life for 29 whole years and to acknowledge her presence in the air around me now.  How proud she would be if she saw me today.  She always believed in me and she was the first person to look past my behaviours and see my heart, my real self.  What she saw in me took me 38 years to find.  It took 36 years for another person to see it and recognise it in me too but my Nanna? She saw it at my birth and every time she looked at me, thought about me, spoke about me.

My Nanna was not perfect and she knew it.  What I always knew is that she loved me without any strings, limits or expectations and that she always will and I give thanks today for the gift of her and for the gift today of being able to feel the pain wrap around my heart again and be able to really feel it, release it and let it go, safely and surrounded by love.

xxjxx

Goodbye year

As another year draws to an end, I find myself wanting to let go of anything not serving me.  Where once I hung onto every experience, every memory, every slight, every pain like I had nothing more precious to 'collect', I have now 'grown up' enough to realise that holding onto that old baggage holds me back and keeps me a victim, chaining me to it as securely as if I were padlocked into it.

I am mindfully sifting through the 'baggage' of yesterday and offering it up to release myself from its control so that I may be free to experience the wonder of today, now, and look excitedly towards what bliss the future may have in store for me, if I am unencumbered by the misery of what has already passed and has served me in whatever way it has, in my 'past' (aka: a moment ago).

I once felt safest bound in the shackles of the misery, blame and if-only's that I clung to in desperation but now I have new beginnings to anchor myself to which offer to weave me into a rich tapestry of love, hope, faith and strength and I have vowed to myself that I do not want to be still wallowing in today's pain in another 20 years time just because I chose not to heal today's pain today.

I was once a mindless automaton who modelled self-doubt, martyrdom, powerlessness, unforgiveness and a lack of personal control and, having worked really hard for 10 years solid and giving up everything I held dear at the time, I am not going to make it all count for nothing and role-model the same things to another generation of people that I love dearly.

I remind myself often of what freedom once cost me and cost those I cherish and of the incredible journey I have travelled since then.  Where once I could only see my hatred, bitterness and despair, I now open myself up to the miracle I have learned to call life.  I drink thirstily from it.

As this year closes, so too do my wistful imaginings of how things should have been, could have been, might have been, once were.  I trust and believe that 2014 will bring a whole kaleidoscope of rainbow colours to my already miraculous universe and I want me more of that!  Goodbye this year, hello new year!

I hope you're able to let go of the old and make room for the new in your life too because you are so worth it!!

xxjxx

Memories

I used to despair of ever stopping the 'tapes' that played on instant replay in my mnd.  Back then, I wished my entire memory could be erased and the living nightmare would end.  Traumatic visuals assaulted me 24/7 and I had no idea how to shut them off or if anybody else experienced the same thing.  I hated how, with each new experience, more old stuff would play over in my mind.  The details were so raw and clear all the time and I longed to forget but it wouldn't happen.  Those tapes kept right on showing and I had a box seat to every re-run.

I first asked to see a shrink when I was 14 because I thought I was mad, crazy mad.  I cried a lot by then, which was not well received and if anyone asked my why I was crying, I never knew the answer, my mind would go completely blank.  I had to have a reason to cry or I would get more to cry about but whenever I tried to form an answer to what I was crying about - nothing - nada - zero - zilch.  My mind would completely empty and be still.  There was no answer I could access.  I remember that my mother thought the idea of me seeing a shrink was a huge joke, the funniest one she'd heard in years as I recall.  She did not think it as funny when our family doctor agreed with me.  She believed I was 'a normal ten anger with normal teenage hormones' and I would eventually 'grow out of it' without her 'forking out good money for some quack' to tell her what she, in her omnipotent wisdom, already knew.  I persisted and the doctor won that argument, thank you Dr Wilson.

Unfortunately, when I saw this learned professional, a psychologist, he proceeded to tell me what I "should" think instead of listening.  As it was 1983, Australia was about to recognise child abuse in a court of law and, had he listened he could have helped not only me but my entire family.  He didn't listen though and all I came away with was more confusion, frustration and questions.  It would take me another 32 years to find my answers - for myself.  My mother claimed afterwards that the psychologist agreed with her completely, that I was a normal teenager with normal teenage problems and that I would grow out of it.  She told everyone she met how she knew as much as a shrink.

I battled on alone and it was another 3 years before I would willingly seek out professional help of that type again.  In 1984, I was in a motor vehicle fatality and lost my best, lifelong friend.  I was almost 16 and it impacted me horrifically.  I was a blithering mess for months and it was about 18 months later that someone recognised I needed help and support and only then because I dissolved into hysterics after hearing someone close to me had crashed their car.  Even though they were okay, I collapsed screaming, blaming myself, almost dribbling down my chin.  I remember being slapped and told to snap out if it but inside my mind I laughed at what I considered then to be a feeble and moronic attempt at futility.  I hid inside my head where all the horrors played out. 

I was taken to a counsellor who was really nice and she listened.  She told me I had Post Traumatic Stress and I told her it was crap - a new fad for shrinks that meant absolutely nothing.  I wailed at her that I must be some kind of freak to lose my best friend and not remember the couple of moments leading up to it but be constantly remembering things that were said to me and done to me at age 3, 4, 5, 6, 7..........what was wrong with me? What sort of person could I be?  I hated myself for that.

I was grateful to her for seeing me and listening.  I did feel slightly better after and I did see her again a few times but she put me off with this PTSD talk.  It was another 20 years of constant remembering before I read about the symptoms and realised she had been right.  For over 2 decades I lived with PTSD and didn't even know it, in fact, I had C-PTSD and it was compounded from birth to 35 years of age.

I saw about 1/2 a dozen other counsellors and psychologists over the years as well as 3 psychiatrists but none of them ever picked up what she did.  None of them wanted to know about my flashbacks, tapes, horror and hopelessness.  None of them understood why I felt so hopeless and behaved so powerlessly.  None of them listened, they believed they had the answers for me and I believed they had them too.  We were all wrong.  Medication helped to push it all down and treat the symptoms but it did not address the underlying cause.  These professionals kept telling me I had to live in the now but they did not hear that 'now' for me was reliving all the horror, over and over again.  I was mentally, psychologically and emotionally trapped in trauma and the memories never stopped their assault on my mind.  I was manacled to my childhood with chains of despair that bound me so tightly I could not be in the now.  When anyone spoke to me, I was reacting to some old memory of something else.  

I battled on believing I was certifiably crazy for all those years till I finally snapped and took 7 months 'off' life in 1998 after I lost my father-in-law and my Nanna a month apart.  I trapped myself in my mind with my memories and refused to come out, it seemed pointless to try anymore.  Eventually I came back from the void and fought again but it was only another 5 years before I was gone again.  This time I was determined that I should be locked up and observed.  I figured that if some shrink would see what I was like day-to-day, I may never even be released and at the edge of my sanity, that was okay by me.

I couldn't even get assessed!  I got taken to hospital a couple of times by police and ambulance but I couldn't get a mental health assessment for months.  When I finally did get assessed, I got the same spiel about how I needed to let go of the past but my horror was, the past wouldn't let go of me!!  Without any plan or prospects, I fled interstate and still got nowhere with the mental health system.  They were now referring me to a women's centre.  Why could no one hear me?  I was suicidal and completely alone, with no money, living in a car!  But I was not in need of mental health services?

Thank God!!  That is what I've been saying for the past 8 years.  Thank God!!

I finally found a counsellor (and other health professionals) who listened and understood.  People who supported me in finding my own answers and in stopping the constant playback of those memories.  I still remember in vivid detail, countless words, images, behaviours, sounds, smells, tastes and sensations.  I still remember too much but, now I have peace and the tapes have stopped. I can recall memories if I want to rather than the memories being in control as they were for all those years - 3 and a half decades in total.  I have never 'recovered' any memories because I was never able to forget any.  Now though, I understand my mind and I am at peace with the memories, they've done me a favour and helped me to be who I am today.  They're my memories, a part of who I am and I'm not mad or crazy.  My brain was simply having a very normal, neuroscientific reaction to very abnormal stimuli.

Onwards and upwards

Xxjxx

Growing Up Again

Throughout my life I have shouldered too much responsibility for too many things that did not belong to me.  For about 5 years, I tried in vain to find a word that would replace 'responsibility' in my vocabulary as I struggled to let go of that which was not mine to carry.  I still struggle with it although not nearly as much as before.

Annette Noontil (Your Body is the Barometer to Your Soul so be Your Own Doctor II) wrote that "my only responsibility is to be happy".  That quote has helped me immensely in my quest to let go.  I rejected her notion at first because it challenged the beliefs I had at the time. As I've opened my mind and heart more and realised how limiting and disabling many of my old beliefs were, I find her quote very helpful. Making my happiness my only responsibility has liberated me. Not only does it serve to remind me that my happiness is vital to my healing, it also has taught me not to try to expect others to shoulder more than what is theirs either.

I was reminded this week (more patterns I observed in life) that once not so very long ago, I believed that I had no choices.  I was so trapped by fear (my own and that of others) that I was conditioned to believe that I had no options other than what I was experiencing.  I believed back then that life was some kind of horror film to be endured in agony and despair and that the only thing possible to hope for was death and so I longed for life to be over and never learned what living was.  

I feel sad about that and I feel so overwhelmingly grateful that I am no longer chained to those thoughts and beliefs because it is not even close to true.  I do have choices.  Everything I experience as an adult, arises through a choice that I have made and I am responsible not only for the choices I make, I am also responsible to own the consequences of the choices.  I am learning to accept that every action and thought of mine has a consequence and can help me to learn more about myself and others.  Blaming is not conducive to my pursuit of happiness.  Blaming is merely a synaptic map in my brain born of fear.  I choose love and I strive to change those brain maps and look at circumstances without needing to blame, and it's hard, sometimes very hard to catch my mind slipping into that old pattern of needing to assign blame, needing someone or something to take responsibility for what I have created with my own mindlessness.  I believe mindfulness is the highway to my healing and although my brain still welcomes the safety and comfort of unawareness, it it getting easier to practice mindfulness much more often than was once possible.  

Through mindfulness I have learned who I am and who I want to be.  I have learned what makes me happy and I've learned that I don't have to or need to control everything.  I've learned that if I am not in control of me, I am out of control and so will everything around me be.  I have recognised that life gives me cues, tips, answers and signposts to support me on my journey towards mindfulness and that I have often ignored those patterns.  I try to recognise them now and not beat up on myself when I miss them because I trust there will be more to come and there always is.  I am learning that when chaos and crises beset me, I have a choice as to what I take out of it and whether or not to allow the storm to batter and beat me, to ride it out with love or to take shelter from it and wait till it passes over. I have learned that after every storm, I can trust there will be a rainbow.  I have learned that after confusion (storm) comes clarity (rainbow).

Mindfulness has helped me to find myself and the many, many, different aspects of me.  I have explored so many facets of myself and I intend to continue exploring.  I have found parts of myself I had once despised, loathed, feared and misunderstood.  I have also found parts of myself that provide me with great joy and peace and I am determined that whatever it takes, I am committed to finding a way to love every atom of my being unconditionally and extend that same love toward others and all things.  Nothing in this life will bring me greater joy and the learning has already made my life more incredible than I once had the capacity to imagine.  I have learned that every part of who I am is what makes me who I am.  Every part of me has something very worthwhile to contribute and to offer to me.  Every part of me is a miracle.

I may have been raised with not-good-enough-parenting but now I have the opportunity to reverse what I have 'learned' and re-parent myself.  I aim to love each part of my being unconditionally, without strings attached, without fear as if each part of me were a real child or person and to have no 'favourites', loving each part equally, generously and without judgment.  I'm slowly getting there and I do not delude myself that it will be easy.  I do believe that it is simple though -through mindfulness.  

Recreating my awareness is a foundation stone for me.  How can I love every part of me if I allow myself or others to reject it, refuse to acknowledge it, malign it, abuse it, criticise it, rescue it, abandon or neglect it, if I dissociate from it?  I do not believe I can and so I welcome and greet each new aspect of my being with open arms and I lovingly walk alongside others with patience as they do the same for themselves.  I have no expectation of others than for them to be exactly who they are in that precise moment and love them regardless of their behaviour.  Any time I find myself unable to do that, I reflect inward and look for what I am unable to see in myself because I believe that every person I meet and hear about has a gift of learning for me and that belief feels much better than the old toxic beliefs I once set such store in.

In the past 10 years I have met and heard about people who have taught me so much and helped me to find hope, courage, strength and love and I am grateful now for every person I have ever encountered.  Some of those people I once hated or rejected but not now.  Now that I am committed to being unconditional love, I thank them too for being exactly who they are - perceived friend or foe and I love them unconditionally too.  Sometimes I lapse and sometimes I wonder if I can do it but it's who I want to be so I am doing it anyway and I feel so much better for it that I don't want to go back to believing anymore what I once judged them in my mind to be.  It was not them I hated, it was there behaviours.   Many people challenge me on that from their own fear and pain but I once would have challenged it too so who am I to judge?  My only responsibility is to be happy and I am, I would not be if I was unable or unwilling to grant others the same grace.

I am the parent of my spiritual self and I want to care for and cherish myself as much as I care about and cherish my own wonderful children and grandchildren, who I am captivated by.  They are miracles to me, teachers of divinity and light that guide me towards love and they have no responsibility to me, they owe me nothing.  They have taught me so very much about love and I am eternally grateful for the gifts of their being and for the opportunity to have shared so many wonderous moments of my existence with them.  They have been so instrumental in my journey towards myself and towards love and I aim to feel the same way about myself and others as I do about them.  They have taught me how to parent and I still have much to learn so I am learning; gratefully, wholeheartedly, mindfully and joyously.  

I have now re-experienced many of the healthy childhood developmental stages a child with 'good-enough' parenting moves through as they 'grow up'.  That has taken a lot of hard work, tears, fears, love, endurance and courage.  I did not find it easy as a 36 year old, feeling as vulnerable as a newborn for 2 years while I moved through the symbiotic stage of my development so I could learn to trust!  As exhilarating as it sometimes was, I did not find it easy to be a teenager for the first time at 35 or to face my own mortality many times over and question my very existence as those who are nearing the end of a long life usually do.  I did not find it easy to re-enter education feeling once again like a 6 year old in a classroom and navigating all of the questions and feelings that arose in me just as they had tried to arise in me decades ago.  I have been blessed in this re-creation.  I have recognised that, just as it takes a community to raise a child, so too have I needed others to help me re-parent myself.  People I have learned to trust, lean on, give back to.  Every single person has had something valuable to share, the angels by my side, and this journey to awakening has been painful but oh so worth it.

I have learned that pain is not my enemy, it is my guide and I believe that through mindfulness, I can release pain and let it go with love to come to a place where fear and pain are no longer responsible for my awakening and that I and only I am responsible for me and for what I think, feel, do and say, for my happiness.

Onwards and upwards 

xxjxx 

My experience of Heal For Life Foundation

I have travelled a long, hard road to today and I am who I am.  I've made many mistakes, some of them big and disastrous, and I have done things I carried shame about. I have at times in my past been blind, mute, deaf, unloving and unempathic, unfeeling and unreal. One thing I have never been is untrue. That may not make sense and I don't need it to, I have known me for a relatively short time.  In fact, until 10 years ago, I did not know who 'I' was. I knew facts about my experiences, I remembered minute details of my existence but I did not have the slightest sense of 'I'. But even then, I did know who I wanted to be and I tried with all my might to be that. What I didn't know then was that I didn't know how to be me. I read masses of books, studied, sought professional counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, medication, and expert advice in my determined effort to be who I knew I wanted to be but I did not know that the answers I was seeking were already inside me.  I learned that through the support of other survivors at Heal For Life. I had a great counsellor and support network who encouraged me to go to Heal For Life.  I had friends who had been and come home glowing with joy, turning their lives around.  I wanted that too but I was scared. I knew nothing about this place and my friends said I had to experience it for myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do well, I researched it.  I found out that Heal For Life is run by survivors for survivors and does not give counselling or advice.  I learned that they have strongly enforced safety guidelines and I learned they really care about each person who goes there. I felt terrified but I trusted my counsellors and I took the step.

That was back in 2006. At that time, I was broke, disabled and feeling close to hopeless. I saw no future and I looked at the world through a broken lens. I believed I had nothing much to offer and I'd actually been told by Centrelink and 2 specialists that I would never work again. 

Going to Heal For Life was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thanks to many wonderful people, most of whom were also learning who they were, I know now who I am and what 'I' means for me and to me.  I also have a full time job again which feels fabulous. I did a lot of training and volunteering with Wesley and Lifeline and returned to study in Welfare, Community Services and Mental Health and, even though at the beginning I thought that if I passed at all I would barely scape through because I believed I was stupid, I got 100%on 1/2 of my exams and not less than 90% on all the rest barring 1 (67%).  I then began training at Heal For Life myself to become a volunteer and later a facilitator.  I would not have studied what I did if not for Heal For Life who insisted that if I wanted to join their team, I must have external qualifications too. Even after such great grades, I still thought I might fail but I had never had the support I was now getting and it made a huge difference.  Heal For Life did not just throw me in to support other survivors, they stretched me to aspire and helped me, encouraged me to aim higher than I ever thought possible. They taught me so many things, not just trauma healing but, academic skills too. I did not know how to write essays or reports before I went to Heal For Life and now I write them easily and without fear.

I have learned so much at Heal For Life. I have learned the real definition of responsibility and self care.  To let go of the need to blame.  To re-parent my self in a healthier way.  To see mistakes as opportunities to learn. To give and receive feedback. To love myself and others equally. To give and receive in life in balance. To listen. To strive for quality and leave the need for perfection behind. To know that my feelings cannot destroy me and that other people cannot make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. To become the cause of my future and not just the result of my past.  I underwent 2 different psychological evaluations at Heal For Life as a condition of being a volunteer there and the results gave me such hope.  

The positive effects of what I have gained from Heal For Life have impacted more than just me, it has positively influenced everyone around me and I decided in 2012 I was going to enrol in a Grad. Dip in Counselling at ACU.  I had called up the uni and began the application when I received an email advertising for a full time position at Heal For Life coordinating the programs. I thought that as much as I would love to do that, everyone else stood a better chance (because I was sure they had better qualifications and skills) but I decided to apply anyway. I was interviewed by an external person in Newcastle and then I went back to Sydney to complete my uni application.  (Sadly, until about that time, whenever I prepared my CV, all I saw was that I only got as far as Yr 9 at school.  I did not see until that very application, just how many courses I had done since or how many qualifications I had gained along the way) and.......I got the job! I started 9th Jan 2012.

I was very excited in 2012 when Heal For Life gained accreditation from QIC.  That was a dream of mine as I have seen the immense growth in the organisation since 2006.  I've seen people come and go, I've made friends along the way and said goodbye to some also.  I've grieved losses and celebrated triumphs and I've learned to listen, something which I know I was once totally unable to do.  I know when to refer someone for professional support and I know how important it is for that to happen because I've learned that at Heal For Life.  In the 2 years I've been in my new role, I have again given up the life I once knew to start over and I'm glad I had the courage to do that.  I love the work we do.  I love the people I meet and the joys that they share. I appreciate the feedback that every person is invited to give and I love that sharing stories is not part of the program coz I'm done with the story of my misery. I've been at Heal For Life since 2006 and most of my friends there don't know my 'story' because those details are not who I am. Who I am is who I am and I believe in what we do with all my heart.

I believe everyone has the right to ask questions, make complaints, be heard, speak up.  It is so important for survivors to take back their power - I have total respect for that and I encourage it although I feel terribly sad when it is done out of malice, that is not empowerment.  If my actions hurt others I am disempowering myself all over again, and others.  If I feel the need to make a stand on something, I get facts first, healthy balanced information so I can make an informed choice, because I learned to do that at Heal For Life too. That is the person I have always wanted to be. A person with integrity and congruence. A person who is flexible yet firm. I am still learning but it's much easier now thanks to the lessons.

I'm not a fool, I know Laws, ACTs, policies, procedures, ethical guidelines.  I know how to adhere to them and I am pedantic about it, which anyone who knows me knows. I have also trained in finance and admin and, If I make a mistake about anything, I am grateful to have it pointed out, I apologise and I begin making whatever change is necessary, then I look at what I can learn from it so I won't make the same mistake again.  I also know the people around me do it that way too - I see it daily.   I'm not ever going to say Heal For Life is perfect because nothing can be perfect.  What I do know and I stand by is this: the volunteers and staff are skilled, trained, capable and committed to excellent service delivery. With the vision of flat-style management and consensus decision making, with every person having equality and ownership, Heal For Life is an incredible place to be a part of and will continue to become even better as time goes by thanks to the survivors who continue to be the incredible people they are, giving as much as they do.  Each person there has fought their own battle and wants to walk alongside others as they themselves were supported at Heal For Life and each person tries to embody the philosophies of Heal For Life and supports each other in continuing to grow and learn and thanks to them, I have learned to do that too.

xxjxx

My body is a part of me too!

It might seem weird to some people, maybe even to most people but, I only recently fully realised that my body is a part of who "I" am.

I've accepted for a long time that I have a body and spent many years hating it, abusing it, using it and destroying it really. I believe I am a spiritual being having a physical existence but it had never, I think, really sunk in that my body is a part of who "I" am.

I recently became completely incapacitated for 4 weeks, unable for the first 3 weeks to even get up much. My body seemed to shut down and alarmed me with sharp painful spasms, headache and critically high blood pressure which I've never experienced before. I am not someone who suffers colds and illnesses often or gladly and even though I have severe physical health issues and suffer cluster headaches every year, I dont generally get 'sick'.  It was frightening.

Throughout my life, I have had multiple traumas on every level and my body has been terribly hurt. Some of those traumas were accidental, some from abuse but then there is much trauma that was self-inflicted through my own ignorance also.  I pushed myself so hard all the time trying to win the personality contest of life that I did damage and did not even realise I was doing any damage till only a few years ago when that damage started causing me excruciating, non-stop pain and showed up on scans.  I have always been in pain, I got so used to pain that I just learned to push through it and virtually switch it off - that is why I have only recently had this startling epiphany - my body is a part of who "I" am.

I have been actively healing my unseen scars for 10 years this month and I've done a really good job of that. I have no symptoms of mental illness anymore.  I choose to continue taking medication for that to further support my brain in healing from the effects of prolonged trauma as I figure my brain needs all the help it can get to heal from 35 years of that.

I have been healing my mind, spirit, brain and heart and trying to include my body but I've realised this past month that my healing has not been holistic in the true sense of the word because I sort of saw my body as some prison cell I was trapped in that had no value or worth. It was just a thing that had to be endured and survived too.  Sad really, so much time and effort into destroying the one thing that has truly been with me through all the years, tears, pain and joy.  This body gave birth to 2 incredible children and has taken me to the heights of pure ecstasy and yet, I could/would not attach to it - I didn't know I needed to and frankly, I didn't know how.  I have done study so I have the information I need and I have endeavoured valiantly to 'ground' myself in it but I have not really recognised its true value till right now. I feel sad about it, I have real grief around it that I am working through and I'm now using the same approach that has worked in healing the rest of me - one tiny baby step at a time:

To heal my body I know I need:

Safety

I don't feel safe in my body because it constantly hurts so I am using affirmations to help my brain change the patterns of what I believe about my body.  I am also allowing myself to use pain relief medication for a little while while I reverse the damage I've done and I am making safer choices with food.

Information

Different specialists have told me for the past 8 years that I had to be very careful of moving my body and any exercise other than hydrotherapy was out.  No gym, no treadmill, no bikes, no swimming, no Pilates or yoga, no chiropractic, no osteopathy, no, no, no, no.  Last week, one of those very same doctors told me that's wrong and there is no reason why I can't.  He completed contradicted what he told me 6 years ago and now says there is no reason I can't exercise although lifting weights is still definitely out.  My first reaction was to drill him :-). Afterwards I was in complete shock, it really did my head in.  I had trusted those learned people to advise me on how to care for my body and I now realise, they do not know that because it is my body, not theirs!  I have done courses on lots of different physical aspects and I have the information to have a healthy body, I now need to put it in to practise again and the first step I am taking towards that is to lose 5 kilos before I resume exercising so there is slightly less pressure on my body and stress on my heart when I do begin moving more.

Support

I need professional and personal support to do this. I have now found a wonderful new gp and I've had masses of tests done to ensure it is safe to embark on this part of my journey. I am now stretching myself to let go of any stress I don't need and am on a 30 day salad challenge. I'm not going extreme, I'm trialling eating salad for 2 meals every day for 30 days and my salads include chicken, fish, feta, nuts, seeds, various beans, green leaves, beet root, fruit, peas, corn, carrots and different non creamy dressings in scarce proportion.  I have been on this challenge for 2 weeks and I am begininning to feel better in myself and less stressed. I am also drinking a lot of water which is huge for me! And I'm enjoying all this :-)

Connection to my Inner Child/ren

My connection is constant, I love all parts of me dearly, which is how I was able to recognise the importance of my body finally.  Because of all the healing I have done, I am no longer able to not love any part of me so that now includes my body.  It does not mean I will love my body perfectly immediately, it simply means that now I am able to see my body with the same love and affection I have for every other part of myself, I can work with that and that feels good too.

This is the simplistic way I have approached my healing all along and it has proved tremendously successful. Over the course of my life I have tried many times to have a healthier body and lifestyle and never been able to sustain it. It always felt like I had to, I cracked a whip over my head to do it and then resented it.  I think now I know why-how can I cherish anything I do not have an 'attachment' to?  So now. I have a new healing buddy -my body and I can already tell, we're gunna be great friends one day.

xxjxx

10 year anniversary of active healing

11th November is a date carved in my soul. It is the date I said goodbye to my beloved granddad. He played a huge part in shaping who I have become and I was blessed enough to have him continually in my life for 31 years. He and my Nanna were my GodParents and surrogate parents, my confidantes and my cheer squad. They were not perfect people by any means and made as many mistakes as anyone else probably does. For me though, they were the one true constant presence of unconditional love in a life I Thought was cruel and torturous.  They gave me hope and praise and if not for that, I would never have survived to get to here.

11th November 2013 saw me reflecting on the date and I realised with sadness and awe that it has now (last week) been 10 years since I walked away from two polar opposites - the absolute love of my children and the abuse of my past. I had to give up one to escape the other because 10 years ago last week, my hope was almost totally gone and I could not see any other way to change what my heart screamed to me I needed to change.  It was THE hardest and most devastating choice I have EVER consciously made and although I still sometimes wonder if, in hindsight,  I could have done it any other way, I remember the total self-annihilation I endured over the next 6 months that frightened my kids and me and I almost didn't make it through. I feel sad and I still grieve what my children and I lost. I also know to my core that it really was the best choice I could have made at that moment.  I was toxic.  I was on an implosive course to destruction and I would never forgive myself if I had taken my kids down that path too.  I left and I swore - vowed - (when multiple repeated failed suicide attempts finally convinced me to think outside the square - that I would go far far away and find some way to become a person my kids could one day be proud of. (They have always been proud of me but I couldn't then fathom why). I moved 600kms away and so the healng began.

Originally, the only idea I had on how to achieve This new goal was to drive to Sydney to see and hug my father.  I barely new him but my 3 year old self knew intuitively that his hug would be medicinal. It was the only idea I had so I decided to go with it and see where I went from there.  Little did I know that trip would bring back my hope and turn everything around.  Over the next months, I decided I needed to create so many good, happy memories that all of the trauma memories that replayed in my head 24/7 would have no space to inhabit in my mind. In essence I finally became a teenager, at the tender age of 35!  I was reckless, impulsive, excited, scared, exhilarated, sad and still, suicidal thoughts plagued me all the time, doubts about why. I Should keep trying.  I hated myself for not being with my kids.  I judged myself cruelly and constantly and I could not stop loathing myself.  I spent so much time      crying, I swear my eyelids have been puffed up ever since.

After about 3 months of living impulsively, I knew it was not enough and that if I did not get help of some kind,  I was still in grave danger of suicide. I approached the mental health service but they sent me away. They suggested 2 women's centres which. I Did not appreciate and I left.  2 weeks later, I stared at those numbers wondering which to call first. I decided I liked the one that had a woman's name in the title and called to ask what they offer and for directions. The receptionist was so lovely and welcoming that I felt immediately curious to see the place so down I went.  

When I arrived, I found her to be just as cheerful and kind as she sounded on the phone and I began to explain my plight. She gently informed me they had a 3 month waiting list for counselling and I panicked. I knew, without an ounce of doubt, that without help, I would not live 3 more months. I dissolve into uncontrollable sobs and she went out to speak with a counsellor who, wonders of wonders, suggested I go straight in.  Although I judged that counsellor as a new-age, weird, soft-touch do-gooder that day and it took me about a month to go back, I was also so very grateful because those 2 women saved my life that day and the rest as they say is history.

With their help and the help of all of the staff at WILMA Women's Health Centre in Campbelltown NSW,   I worked really really hard over the next 2 years and had some form of counselling or support every single day. I virtually became a newborn infant again and I did not feel confidant to handle any problem alone  as 35 years of trauma caught up with me.  I Had lived all that time with recurrent memories playing like a movie without a stop button and wondering why I couldn't forget, wishing that I could just forget but I couldn't forget one minute of my entire existence and it hurt so bad....and i blamed myself for it happening.  To have another human react in horror to my every-day reality helped me realise what I hade gone though truly was awful and that I was not just a 'bad person' or a 'sook' as I had so long believed.  I began to attach feelings to my memories which I had so distanced myself from, I was totally immune to.  I began to recognise my self as someone of worth and it was an excruciatingly painful process too as I also began to learn how I had caused others pain in many ways too and I found many new reasons to hate and loathe myself more.  I also vowed to keep going.  For the longest time, I had to believe I was doing it for my kids, so that what they had endured was not in vain. I felt I owed it to them to see this healing through to its end and whatever pain it caused me was nothing less than I deserved.  Over time though, I realised that an attitude like that was not really honouring my kids and nor was it fair to place that responsibility on them so I got to a place where I could do it because I  was worth it too.

Then I heard about a place where survivors of childhood trauma could release the emotions trapped inside and heal the wounds with the support of other survivors and I had long dreamed of a place like that but I had no money and no income and by then, I was physically disabled too so I gave up hope of anything like that and continued doing what was working for me - counselling (weekly by then), support and self-help groups, information sessions and, I banned mirrors. I so hated my appearance that looking in a mirror even left me having suicidal thoughts so I banned em all from my home for 2 years. I got rid of em or covered em up :-)

One night, 2 friends of mine returned from this place of healing (Heal For Life) and I could literally see how healed their bodies, minds, and spirits were - they were glowing radiantly and I longed to find what they had but I was still convinced I would never be accepted there because there were so many people in the world who had (really) suffered.....it took me 2 more years to stop making excuses and just go and from the first moment, I wanted to run away.  I had to tell myself every 5 minutes "just stay for 5 more minutes and if you still want to run, you can run" - EVERY 5 minutes!!

I dd make it though the week even though on the second day I was beating up on myself because I couldn't use the tools and do it perfectly on my own - on the second day :-) over the next 5 years, I continued regular counselling ( daily for 2 years, weekly for 2 more years, fortnightly for 2 more years, monthly for 2 more years after that and then, in the 8th year, I only need 4 sessions)!  I also did more self-help groups, read over 100 self-help books, returned to study and got high distinctions in 3 courses and began volunteering in 2 different places. I even planned on going to university one day. I had accepted the fact by then that I would never work again (as I'd been told by my doctors and Centrelink), that I would one day never walk again and long before I was ready,  that I would die prematurely due to a cyst between my spinal chord and brain stem. It seemed so unfair and inevitable and yet......

I began to hope and to heal and I learned to become the me I believe I was created to be. I began to judge less and love more and I learned to listen and empathise. I grew up, and I am learning to re-parent myself in a loving, nurturing way. I have learned how to be my own best friend and enjoy my own company and this month I am trying to learn to love my body too. In January 2012 I returned to full time employment and I feel so blessed, grateful and honoured to all of the wonderful people I have met at WILMA and now at Heal For Life (www.healforlife.com.au) because now I am a new me, the real me.  

The trauma did happen.  I was abused. It was wrong. It did hurt. It should never have happened.

I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and even though I miss my kids, I still see them and talk to them as often as they and I can make it happen.  I still love them totally and unconditionally and always will. I still grieve our loss at times and I still am determined to be someone they can be proud of even though I am well aware now that I cannot control or manipulate their thoughts and feelings :) it's about the vow I made 10 years ago and the vow I continue to make now regularly.........."I want to live in a world of love and I vow to be the change I want to see in this world."

XxjxX

Anger is born from fear

Anger is an incredible emotion, it creates change, it starts movements, it feels powerful and it gets us moving BUT there is ALWAYS fear underneath anger....fear of failing, fear of pain, fear of being judged, fear of being hurt, fear of nothing changing, fear of everything changing, fear of loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of fear, ALWAYS fear. Feel the anger and release the e-motion-go under it to the fear and life is so much less painful because anger is destructive and comes from the mind and not the heart -JP

Letter to my 44 Year old self

Letter to my 44 Year old self.

Dear June

I am in awe of you. Looking back on all you have overcome and knowing your hopes and dreams for the future, I am inspired. You have such an  incredible amount of courage, strength, determination, compassion and love and you see greatness in everyone you meet. I know you struggle and doubt yourself but even when you are ready to fall down or give up, you draw on your innate abilities and rise again even more determined than before. Your faith and hope is boundless and I am so proud of who you are. I care very deeply for you and I love seeing how much you now care for yourself. You have worked so incredibly hard for so long and given up so much, so many times and yet you still go on giving. It's wonderful to see you now giving to others instead of giving up. I wonder if you truly understand just how phenomenal you are? I see you accept compliments with grace and humility and I know you still fear ego lest you become vain and bitter, did you know that is another of your strengths? You strive valiantly to own each experience you have and to find a way to get off the blame-go-round. That supernova you are cannot be hidden or doused and you already know how much of your energy it takes to try that so look up dear one, shine your light and let go of your struggle because you are much, much more than your experiences. You are a divine creation who is living her divinity exactly as you were created in perfection to be. Let go, laugh loud and love on June, you're my inspiration and I love you. June xx

Truth

I once read a book which, astonishingly, I cannot yet remember the title or author of. I'm astonished by this because I usually have no problems with details like that, anyway....

In this book, the author wrote about his early days as a psyche, which went something like: he met a young woman who was completely unresponsive during his first residency. She had been in the ward for many months and interacted with no one. She was completely closed off and did not even acknowledge the presence if others. The young psyche decided to not read her file before meeting her and gaining insight first hand so as not to create an internal bias. The young psyche entered the session, made an introduction, informed her of her rights and how long the session would last and waited. The young woman did not respond, did not even look up. At the end of the session, the psyche took his leave. At the next session, the psyche again introduced himself, waited a few minutes and, when the woman again did not respond, opened up some work he'd brought with him and turned his attention to that, glancing up now and then to observe but not pushing anything. This went on exactly the same way for many sessions. One day, he entered, took out his work and, looking up, saw the young woman was watching him. He looked back at her and calmly waited. "God talks to me", she whispered anxiously. Without hesitating, the young psyche replied, "What does He say?" To which the young woman began to chatter incessantly about all manner of things that had been happening for her since long before. She explained how, God had started speaking to her and when she told her family, they were concerned and eventually brought her in to have her mental health assessed. Upon hearing what she had to share, she was assessed as needing hospitalisation and medication. All concerned had judged her delusional and refused to hear so, she stopped talking to them as she did not want to be deemed insane. Eventually she concluded it was much safer to close down and become mute altogether. Now, someone was finally hearing her without judgment and expressing interest! The next sessions were similar, with the girl talking of all the things God had told her and, after a while, the young woman was released and went home with a completely clean bill of health.

What struck me when I read about this was the attitude of the psyche and the fear of the young woman - the futility of her telling her truth. The psyche had the attitude that what we each perceive is real, IS real for ourself. He believed that this young woman truly believed she was hearing the voice of God and he did not believe he had any right to challenge or discourage her. He reasoned that as every person sees things from their own eyes, their own perspective, there is literally no way of knowing if we all see the same reality until we share it, or even then. That if I was to say the sky is green with pink dots and I really saw that, who was he to argue, just because he saw a blue sky with white clouds? He further explained that I see what I see and he sees what he sees and we both see what is real - for ourself. Neither one of us is 'wrong' or 'right', we simply believe what we each see as true.

This story had a huge impact on me and still does. I may not see what others see but I know they CAN see what they believe and it is very real for them. Sometimes others believe things I feel angry or sad or scared about. Sometimes I want to argue or scoff but I don't because that would be me judging them and I have no way of knowing if my reality is real for anyone but me. How can I possibly ask someone to believe something that is not real for them, while demanding that they believe what is real for me?

I believe we each have a right to believe what we believe, eg, I believe in a loving God that is all powerful and kind. I believe that Gods love is the only real power on this earth and that ALL things lead TO God. I know that to be MY truth and I know that many thousands of people would not share my belief and THAT'S OKAY by me because I believe what I believe and I have no desire to make anyone see what I see. I believe that each person is experiencing their own reality which has its own challenges, joys, fears and purpose, individual to that persons soul. I do not believe it is fair, wise or loving to try to make others see that what I believe is real. In fact, if I am doing that, I am giving away my power and taking away from theirs.

I say, I will have my truth and others can have theirs. I want to support others in releasing any energy or pain associated with their belief and to experience joy and I will not take on the reality of others or ask them to believe what I believe. I have a right to my beliefs and I believe I have a responsibility to grant others the same grace.

xxjxx

💐💐judgment💐💐

Judging others is too easy. I have judged others my entire life and always managed to create reasons to judge - almost as if I can't accept anyone without judgment. I lived most of my life believing I was non-judgmental and then one day my eyes opened and I was mortified at what I saw in myself. I was horrible! I judged everyone and everything based on unrealistic expectations I had created in my own mind. I guess on some level it was self preservation but I feel ashamed of how hurtfully I thought of others. I know it came from fear that I wasn't good enough and I am not like that anymore but I haven't forgotten that I once was like that. I hope I never forget it because remembering it is what makes me try so hard to change for the better and stop trying to find fault and instead look for the good and the soul in everyone. These days, if a judgment creeps in, I notice it, change it and look at what that person is mirroring to me about me. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be. I am the same as everyone else in the way that counts most - I want to be happy, hmmmm, is that a judgment too? I think so, I mean, how do I know EVERYone wants to be happy? I don't know it.

Each night, I say 'The Lords Prayer' and it helps me sleep. Months ago, as I prayed, I really noticed the words I was uttering..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I used to think this was "forgive us OUR trespasses as we FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Now, I think it is "forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Same thing right? No. Before, I accepted the line was all about me and about me being forgiven. Now I believe it is me asking to receive the same forgiveness that I extend to others, therefore if I cannot forgive, may I be also unforgiven; if I judge others, I ask that I be judged with the same rule. It is me inviting God, karma, the universe to walk in the shoes of another to understand them and to know what it is like to be judged by my own shallow, fear based tenets. This belief has made me more aware and more focused to stop blaming, picking, whinging, being intolerant and being isolated. I want to love! Unconditionally and without reserve - love. Because I want it, I can achieve it.

Onwards and upwards

xxjxx

For my mother -with love

Dear Mum
I have fully intended to tell you this to your face but I don't want to wait and I want to acknowledge you now, publicly and permanently. I have done a lot of soul searching that has been way overdue. I have learned how to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way and I have discovered a lot about myself and the world that I did not know.

Along the way, I had one, small hope - that one day, I could love you freely and without pain. That day is now! I love you unconditionally Mum! I have finally let go of the hurt, pain, fear and anger that I had attached to you and I now need to say to you: I am sorry.

I have caused you pain in my pain and I am not proud of that at all. I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see my self or you as we really are - two people doing the best we can with what we've been given. I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you because that is not who I want to be. Now that I know who I do want to be, I want to thank you for the lessons and acknowledge what you have given me. You have gifted me with many things and I'm not sure I know all of what they are yet but to start off:

Thank you for:
* the gift of love - for loving me as I am and somehow having the patience for me to grow up.
* the gift of pain - for without this, I would not appreciate joy so much
* the gift of faith - you taught me to question everything which means I now have an honest, adult relationship with God, a gift worth more than any treasure.
* the gift of attention - to pay attention to everything and not ignore the details.
* the gift of determination - that my resolve is as strong as I want it to be.
* the gift of empathy - now that I can empathise with you, I can truly love.
* the gift of receiving - I can finally receive love without shame because I can now feel loved
* the gift of music - you helped me develop the eclectic taste that feeds my soul like breath
* the gift of self doubt - my ego stands no chance to take over
* the gift of patience - I can wait an eternity for the things that matter most
* the gift of perception - I've realised that nothing ever changes but my perceptions needs to change constantly
* the gift of flexibility - doing things differently produces different results
* the gift of D.I.D - I cannot fathom yet just how amazingly my brain works, but I like it :-)
* the gift of tears - they release stress and work like toner on the skin, double bonus
* the gift of creativity - particularly with money, having so little means I've learned to work magic
* the gift of compassion - you may not know how you taught me but you did
* the gift of silence - golden, precious, and very healing
* the gift of solitude - left alone to find my way
* the gift of prayer - so many prayers and so much time with God
* the gift of humility - there is no empowerment when someone else gets hurt
* the gift of forgiveness - it is not for me to judge you.

Thank you Mum, for these gifts and many more. I have reached the place I've been striving to be, where I can be thankful that you above all others are and were my mother. The place where I can be grateful for the lessons, however they were taught and move onto the next stage - joy, service and forgiving myself for hurting you in my pain. I love you Mum.

Letting go

For 35 years, I never 'felt' angry. I found out what anger was then and realised I had always been angry-simmering cauldron of resentment, fear, intolerance, judgmentalism, scorn, envy, sadness, loss, grief and rage. I had been suppressing anger since birth and it was literally working like poison inside me.

Since the (8years), I have learned how to feel anger and release it from me. I have spent hundreds of hours screaming, smashing, crying and praying and I find now it is hard for me to stay angry for more than a few minutes.

I believe my anger comes from fear and the more I work through that, the less anger I have.

xxjxx

The journey to being love

I have learned to accept compliments. I am no longer averse to being complimented. I no longer need to minimise or deflect compliments. I also am no longer dependent on compliments to feed my soul and make me feel good. I try to come from a heart space in every possible moment and although it is actually something I believe impossible for anyone to do every waking moment, I try, without feeling I need to do it perfectly or even close to perfectly. I know my intent is pure and my effort is great, the achievement means little to me in comparison.

I want to BE love. It is my goal, my purpose, my pledge. It is my promise - the gift I give myself. It is not enough for me to proclaim, profess, preach, ponder or pontificate over love. It is not enough for me to protest or procrastinate. I want to practice and perceive love in as many moments as possible - to be an open, willing, receptive conduit for pure, innocent, unconditional love

I do not see how it would be possible without humility. I do not believe I am any better than anyone else. I believe that we each and all have amazing, unique, gifts and talents to bring to this world. I don't believe I am lesser that anyone else either, although this took me longer to get to. I have learned that human beings need 'strokes', transactions (communications, words, behaviours, etc) that provide the psyche with stimuli. I have also learned that I need that more from within than from without and that if I meet my own needs in that, I can more easily accept what is and find my bliss. I am finding more and more that happiness comes to me more easily when I expect no praise or recognition for who I am or what I do. I am who I am and I am becoming more okay with that each day.

I regularly ask myself two questions:
1. Is this the me I want to be?
2. If I died today and God asked me, "are you happy with the way things ended?"

I want to say "yes!!!"

If the answer to either of those is no, I start reflecting on why and then I make changes. I decided long ago that I want to answer yes to both of those questions -that saying yes is really, important to me when I ask myself those questions. This is what makes it easier for me to walk the path towards being love because I am doing what I love by being who I am and by not judging others for doing what they do or being who they are. I like the me I am and I don't need approval from anyone to be able to BE love.

Wow!! What a journey life is!!

xxjxx

The Power of Positivity

I remember, sometimes with sadness, how negative and pessimistic I used to be. I was given a book by my chiropractor called 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman and although I really loved it, I couldn't fathom how anyone could be positive about anything. I literally could not get my head around it at all. It was a blessing because it made me start to wonder. It made me start to question my own beliefs and values. It took me a long time to begin to even grasp the concept of optimism.

That was over 15 years ago and although I am far from perfect, (and I know I don't need to be), I feel extremely positive and optimistic in any given moment. I believe it is my faith that has got me to where I am. I had such huge trust issues before and now I am learning to trust God, I feel so differently about things. I no longer feel the need (or the responsibility) to control things. I believe now, that I can get through anything. I can (and do) encourage others. I can love me and others too. I can 'let go'. I can accept things as they are with calm in my heart and, I can recognise very quickly when I slip back into negativity and pessimism and choose to change it whenever I want.

I'm not sure how anyone put up with me back then, I imagine I would have been like a black hole, sucking energy from every source. Now I can feel the Light inside and around me and I love how it feels.

Onwards and upwards eh?

xxjxx

Violence has many faces

I wrote the below story back in 2009. I have continued healing since then. I eventually received compensation for one count of historic sexual abuse that I suffered as a 7 year old. The other 35 years of torment have remained unrecognised by the law and I'm okay. Recently, I found real peace within myself -I found forgiveness. I have not, and may not ever, forget what I went through, I have merely released all of the energy around it, come to an understanding of why and how and chosen to let it go instead. I feel incredibly strong and sure that I have made this choice and I have prayed for those people too. I'm working on not calling it abuse any more, not because its not abuse-it is-and it needs to stop happening in this world. No, I want to call it 'trauma' instead of abuse because I don't want to blame. I know it may offend some people and I feel sad about that. This is me growing up and thriving; taking responsibility for what I think and say; having compassion and being loving. I am not the victim of an abusive childhood. I am a student in the school of life who wants to stop judging and blaming and start living, breathing, thriving and loving and, with forgiveness comes the freedom to do just that.

Onwards and upwards

xxjxx
_____________________________________________________________________________________

When I first considered applying for Victims of Crime Compensation, I believed I was doing it for validation. I know that welfare officers visited my home when I was a child and yet, abuse still happened, a lot of abuse. I did not feel any need for revenge or vengeance, I still don’t. What happened, happened, and I am not going to tarnish my own soul with revenge or deliberately causing others pain. I merely wanted the authorities to validate that what happened to me and my younger brother & sister was abuse and should not be allowed to go unacknowledged as such.

Sadly, it seems I will never receive that validation. I know now that I validate it for myself – what happened to me was wrong – W R O N G!!!!!! I have support from wonderful people (finally) and I am healing from the effects that abuse has had on my brain and my life. It has been three years since I first discussed this compensation with my solicitor and I have no idea what the outcome will be. On top of the extensive free counseling I have been receiving from my local womens’ health centre, I also received 22 hrs with a clinical psychologist through the Victims of Crime board, which I wholly appreciate and it helped tremendously. My gripe is with the criminal justice systems in this country.

As my abuses happened in two states, I have had to lodge claims in both states. One claim has been lodged in NSW and is proceeding.
The other claim had to be lodged in Victoria and to do that, I had to make a statement to police (something that does not have to be done in NSW). Upon providing a lengthy statement, I was informed that the abuses by my mother were considered to be mostly psychological, verbal & emotional and therefore the police were not going to investigate. The abuses by my ex-husband were committed against me when I was an adult and so that would not be investigated either.

These two people horribly abused me repeatedly for over 35 years and according to our justice system it’s okay. Even the Victorian solicitor I found was uninterested in my application.

I still feel some shame and embarrassment that I did not know it was abuse until I escaped it. I believed I was just simply crazy and unable to be a healthy, sane person. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to ‘get over it’ all. I suppose on some level I was right. They seriously screwed up my head and I can’t even guess how many more years of counselling I might need to be free of their crap. I started healing 5 years ago and, at first, I saw my counsellor every day of the week! I couldn’t get through 1 single day without breaking down! I did self awareness and support groups at the same time and I lived and breathed everything I learned. It has been no picnic and I still need anti-depressant medication to moderate my moods. I also believe I have a form of D.I.D. – Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Although at first I was terrified of what that may mean for me, I now feel less shame over some past experiences. During my last psychotic episodes, I kept telling people (and shrinks) that I felt like I had no control over myself, that I did not want to doo what I was doing but felt powerless to stop it at all. I wasn’t making it up, I felt completely out of control and I was terrified. I was hurting myself and trying to kill myself but I di not want to consciously. It just seemed to be a compulsion of some kind and even, at times, I was mesmerized by it in some way. I don’t know how that sounds but it scared the crap out of me for ages and I was ashamed about it for even longer. At least now, I can start coming to terms with it and learn how to make sure it doesn’t happen any more. Right now, I’m feeling angry and bitter about the compensation thing. I feel as if the Victorian legal system is saying that what happened to me was not really abuse.

My mother tried to kill me on more than one occasion. She bashed me with hoses, electrical cords, curtain rods, brooms, lumps of wood and whatever else she could lay her hands on in a fit of rage. She smacked my head into the clothesline, into a wall, made my nose bleed, tried to strangle me with her bare hands and that is just the tip of the iceberg. As well as being battered and abused myself, I had to watch and was often held responsible for the beating and abuse suffered by my younger siblings. I don’t know how we survived but it has left deep and terrible scars inside us all and some may never heal. I believe we were abused. I was abused and I grew up to marry an alcoholic. After about the first 2 months with him, I actually knew I would be miserable if I staid but I believed in my heart that I had been born to suffer and that leaving him was only avoiding fate. I had no idea of love or healthy relationships – I’d never seen one! I kept telling myself for 10 years that even though he seemed to despise me, had no obvious respect for me and spoke to me like I was garbage, yelled at me and called me names, he hadn’t hit me so it couldn’t really be abuse. Then he did hit me and refuses to this day to acknowledge that it even might have happened. I knew what rape was from advertising though and that was happening but again, as it seemed no-violent (most of the time) I just thought I was being stupid. Now though, I feel disgusted that any criminal justice system in the 21st century could know the full details of it all and deny it to be named as abusive.

I had hoped that the world is becoming a better place and I feel sure it is. But when will Australia really wake up and protect it’s citizens from violence? When will we realize that children are the fountain of youth and they are the ones who will be the lawmakers one day. Are we wanting them to have no compassion? Do we want our children to learn that violence is okay as long as you only hurt those who live with you and depend upon you for survival? That is what we have been teaching kids and they are excellent learners. Childhood trauma and abuse effects brain development and causes lifelong problems for individuals, families and communities – for the whole country and the whole world.

Only by standing up and telling stories like mine can we ever hope to make anyone take notice; to change laws and societal thinking. I, for one, am gonna shout from the rooftops, everywhere I go. I’m a survivor of childhood trauma and it has stuffed up my life and the lives of my children.

VIOLENCE AND ABUSE HAS TO STOP NOW !!!!!!!!

Man of steel

I feel very grateful for the opportunity to talk about my granddad this morning, to share with another man the eternal gift my granddad gave me for life - unconditional love. I am very lucky. I had 2 grandparents who loved me because I was me and no behaviour or mistake I made ever changed that love. I am far from perfect but they were never even disappointed in me, no matter what. They just loved me and accepted that I was me. I never felt any pressure to be any more than who I am with them and it was easy to be loving, kind, genuine and respectful with them because they showed me, in their own attitudes and behaviours, role modelled for me so I would know and learn. They were my godparents at baptism and although they were not religious or even church-going, they showed me the way to God through their love. My granddad was a man of steel. He did not roar or argue. He did not shout or fight. He stood his ground and he deliberated. He had infinite patience and tremendous love and he was fair. Many in my family feared his displeasure and tip-toed around, warning others to 'behave' or else but I always looked for (and found) the twinkle in his eyes that told me he was not angry, not solemn, usually teasing. I could tell that sometimes their anxiety and silliness got to him but he would just leave the room and do something he enjoyed. He'd come back later and there would be no sign of anything but his usual peace and calm. He was a man of steel and a man of love and I wish he were here so I could ask him how he did it but I know him- he would smile and say " don't let it get to ya honey, you just worry about you and let them worry about them" . I love you granddad and I still miss you every day.

xxjxx

Emmet Fox

FROM THE PEN OF EMMET FOX

"All day long the thoughts that occupy your mind, your secret place
as Jesus calls it, are molding your destiny for good or evil; in fact,
the truth is that the whole of our life's experience is but the outer
expression of inner thought."



LOVE

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer, no disease that enough love will not heal; no door that enough love will not open; no gulf that enough love will not bridge; no wall that enough love will not throw down; no sin that enough love will not redeem...it makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world. Emmet Fox



The Golden Key



Scientific prayer will enable you to get yourself or anyone else, out of any difficulty. It is the golden key to harmony and happiness.

To those who have no acquaintance with the mightiest power in existence, this may appear to be a rash claim, but it needs only a fair trial to prove that, without a shadow of doubt, it is a just one. You need take no one's word for it, and you should not. Simply try it for yourself.

God is omnipotent, and we are God's image and likeness and have dominion over all things. This is the inspired teaching, and it is intended to be taken literally, at its face value. The ability to draw on this power is not the special prerogative of the mystic or the saint, as is so often supposed, or even of the highly trained practitioner. Everyone has this ability Whoever you are, wherever you may be, the golden key to harmony is in your hand now. This is because in scientific prayer it is God who works, and not you, and so your particular limitations or weaknesses are of no account in the process. You are only the channel through which the divine action takes place, and your treatment will be just the getting of yourself out of the way.

Beginners often get startling results the first time, for all that is essential is to have an open mind and sufficient faith to try the experiment. Apart from that, you may hold any views on religion, or none.

As for the actual method of working, like all fundamental things, it is simplicity itself. All you have to do is this: Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead. This is the complete rule, and if only you will do this, the trouble, whatever it is, will disappear. It makes no difference what kind of trouble it is. It may be a big thing or a little thing: it may concern health, finance, a lawsuit, a quarrel, an accident, or anything else conceivable: but whatever it is, stop thinking about it and think of God instead -- that is all you have to do.

It could not be simpler, could it? God could scarcely have made it simpler, and yet it never fails to work when given a fair trial.

Do not try to form a picture of God, which is impossible. Work by rehearsing anything or everything that you know about God. God is wisdom, truth, inconceivable love. God is present everywhere, has infinite power, knows everything, and so on. It matters not how well you may think you understand these things: go over them repeatedly.

But you must stop thinking of the trouble, whatever it is. The rule is, to think about God. If you are thinking about your difficulty, you are not thinking about God. To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because it is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God and nothing else. Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty out of your consciousness, for a few moments at least, substituting for it the thought of God. This is the crux of the whole thing. If you can become so absorbed in this consideration of the spiritual world that you forget for a while about the difficulty, you will find that you are safely and comfortably out of your difficulty -- that your demonstration is made.

In order to "golden key" a troublesome person or a difficult situation, think. "Now 1 am going to 'golden key' John, or Mary. or that threatened danger": then proceed to drive all thought of John, or Mary, or the danger out of your mind, replacing it with the thought of God.

By working in this way about a person, you are not seeking to influence his conduct in any way, except that you prevent him from injuring or annoying you, and you do him nothing but good. Thereafter, he is certain to be in some degree a better, wiser, and more spiritual person, just because you have "golden keyed" him. A pending lawsuit or other difficulty would probably fade out harmlessly without coming to a crisis, justice being done to all parties concerned.

If you find that you can do this very quickly, you may repeat the operation several times a day with intervals between. Be sure, however, each time you have done it, that you drop all thought of the matter until the next time. This is important.

We have said that the golden key is simple, and so it is, but of course it is not always easy to turn. If you are very frightened or worried, at first it may be difficult to get your thoughts away from material things. But by constantly repeating a statement of absolute Truth, such as: There is no power but God: I am the child of God, filled and surrounded by the perfect peace of God: God is love; God is guiding me now; or, perhaps best and simplest of all. God is with me -- however mechanical or trite it may seem -- you will soon find that the treatment has begun to "take." And that your mind is clearing. Do not struggle violently; be quiet, but insistent. Each time you find your attention wandering, switch it back to God.

Do not try to think in advance what the solution to your difficulty will be. This is called "outlining" and will only delay the demonstration. Leave the question of ways and means to God. You want to get out of your difficulty that is sufficient. You do your half, and God will never fail to do God's.

"Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved" (Acts 2:21). Emmet Fox


The Story of how the Golden Key came into being can be read in "Emmet Fox His Life Story"





FIFTEEN POINTS

I Am Really In Truth:

If - I always look for the best in each person, situation and thing.

If - I resolutely turn my back on the past, good or bad and live only in the present & future

If - I forgive everybody without exception, no matter what he may have done; and if I then forgive MYSELF whole-heartedly.

If - I regard my job as sacred and do my day's work to the best of my ability (whether I like it or not).

If - I take every means to demonstrate a healthy body and harmonious surroundings for myself.

If - I endeavor to make my life of as much service to others as possible, without interfering or fussing.

If - I take every opportunity wisely to spread the knowledge of Truth to others.

If - I rigidly refrain from personal criticism, and neither speak nor listen to gossip.

If - I devote at least a quarter of an hour a day to prayer and meditation.

If - I read at least seven verses of the Bible everyday.

If - I specifically claim spiritual understanding of myself every day.

If - I train myself to give the first thought on waking to God.

If - I speak the Word for the whole world every day, say at noon.

If - I PRACTICE, the Golden Rule of Jesus instead of merely admiring it. He said, "Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." The important point about the Golden Rule is that I am to practice it whether the other fellow does so or not.

If - above all, I understand that whatever I see is but a picture which can be changed for the better by Scientific Prayer.

If you want to demonstrate ask yourself once a week how far you are observing these points in your life. Emmet Fox






WHAT IS SCIENTIFIC PRAYER?



Scientific prayer or spiritual treatment is really the lifting of your consciousness above the level where you have met your problem. If only you can rise high enough in thought, the problem will the solve itself. This is really the only problem you have - to raise in consciousness. The more "difficult," which means the more deeply rooted in your thoughts, is the problem concerned, the higher you will have to rise. What is called a small trouble, will yield to a slight raise in consciousness. What is called a serious difficulty, will require a relatively higher rise. What is called a terrible danger or hopeless problem, will require a considerable rise in consciousness to overcome it - but that is the only difference.

Do not waste time trying to straighten out your own or other people's problems by manipulating thought - that gets you nowhere - but raise your consciousness, and the action of God will do the rest.

Jesus healed sick people and reformed many sinners by raising his consciousness above the picture they presented. He controlled the wind and the waves in the same way. He raised the dead because he was able to get as high in consciousness as is necessary to do this.

To raise your consciousness you must positively withdraw your attention from the picture for the time being (The Golden Key) and then concentrate gently upon spiritual truth. You may do this by reading the Bible or any spiritual book that appeals to you, by going over any hymn or poem that helps you in this way, or by the use of one or more affirmations, just as you like.

I know many people who have secured the necessary elevation of consciousness by browsing at random through the Bible. A man I know was saved in a terrible shipwreck by quickly reading the 91st psalm. Another man healed himself of a supposedly hopeless disease by working on the one affirmation, "God Is Love," until he was able to realize something of what that greatest of all statements must really mean.

If you work with affirmations, be careful not to get tense; but there is no reason why you should not employ all these methods in turn, and also any others that you can think of. Sometimes a talk with a spiritual person gives you just the lift that you need. It matters not how you rise so long as you do rise. "I bore you on eagles' wings, and brought you unto myself." Emmet Fox



NOW I SPEAK THE WORD

(paraphrased)

God is Infinite Life. God is Boundless Love. God is Infinite Intelligence.

God is Unfathomable Wisdom. God is Unspeakable Beauty.

God is Unchanging Principle of Perfect Good. God is the Soul of man.

I am the image and likeness of God, and I have the power of the Word.

When I speak the Word, it goes forth and cannot return void.

It accomplishes the thing whereunto I send it.

That word goes forth charged with the power of God.

Now I speak the Word. I invoke the power of the Healing Christ,

and I say that the full power of God is now awakened in me,

filling my soul with peace and life and joy.

God is Light, and that Light fills my soul. Emmet Fox







NOW IS THE ACCEPTED TIME

God's time for my demonstration is NOW

The time God wants me to be healed is NOW

The time God wants me to be prosperous is NOW

The time God wants love in my life is NOW

The time God wants me to raise my consciousness is NOW

The time God wants me to be in my True Place is NOW.

There is nothing to wait for except the change of my own consciousness. Emmet Fox

A peaceful resolution to hostility

I learned at an early age that pain can come from many sources, that fighting would bring more pain. I quickly learned to yield and cower and that brought more pain too. I was silenced, beaten and hopeless and then....one day I simply stood my ground and waited for it all to pass. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. Blows raining down, trembling in fear, hopeless and terrified and I suddenly resolved to stand tall, to take what came and face it full on. I looked the other person in the eye, held back the flood of tears and......it got momentarily worse and then.....it stopped. Suddenly, amazingly, it stopped. I was so surprised and elated, I almost whooped with joy and alone afterwards I basked in my excitement. I won, I changed it!

I was a child then and it was my first taste of choice and of freedom. Over the decades since, I have learned that violence creates violence and violence is not just about actions, it is also about thoughts and feelings. What I think, feel, say and do is what I create for myself in this world. Believing this has made my life simple. It is not easy but it IS simple. When someone says something horrible or behaves cruelly, I pray that their hearts be filled with love and that their violence is not revisited upon them. I understand that they have learned differently and they too are doing the best they can...and I stand firm and reach in to my faith so that I may not stand alone. I ask for guidance and love and I receive it.

I have realised that trying to make anyone see what I see or believe what is real for me is an act of violence. Insisting and manipulating and berating and blaming, are acts of violence. I can say what I need to with conviction and courage and I can take a breath and wait when I need to. I can speak up and I can be silent and I can feel good about myself because I have been non-violent. I am not perfect and there is still much I need to do in this journey to peace. Ghandi and Mandela are wayshowers for me. They remind me that I need to be the change I want to see and if I am violent, I will attract violence to me.

So, forgiveness, compassion, mindfulness, understanding, faith, love, hope, service, joy and patience are the signposts to the peace I long for and I will stand my ground, move forward and trust that I will continue down this road to glory with a peaceful, loving heart.

xxjxx

I'm gunna be a grandma

Although the picture is really grainy and out of focus, I am so proud of it. It is the first ever photo of one of my expected grandchildren. Both my son and my daughter are welcoming new lives into the world with their partners and I am elated and thrilled for them. Becoming a parent was the most amazing thing I ever did with my life and my kids are so amazing, I can't wait to see how incredible their kids will be. Wow! I'm gunna be a grandma!!

💕💕unconditional love means just that💕💕

I take many things literally, sometimes too literally but I know now that is one of the effects of trauma - parts of my brain not firing quite as they might had trauma not occurred. Sometimes, taking things literally can be a blessing. Don't get me wrong, it often means I oversimplify to the point of seeming abrupt, unempathic, obtuse or sarcastic and that is no blessing. The blessing is when a term like unconditional love presents and because I'm a "why" person, I need to pull the phrase apart and explore it to the nth degree to understand it entirely from every conceivable angle.

Unconditional love to me means: love without conditions being applied. Loving even though the other persons' behaviour might be unacceptable; loving enough to be vulnerable and honest and not expecting others to love me the same way or better; having no expectations of others to receive my love or extend love towards me; accepting others for who they are and not needing to control or change them; letting go when it's time to move on; even loving those who hurt me-whether they mean it or not.

For me, love is not just about being kind, it is about being real. It is something that happens on a soul level. It is mystical, magical and majestic. Love is the fabric of existence, weaving a brilliant tapestry of souls across time and space, creating joy, peace and harmony for all who open up to it. Love is healing and healthy and is not controlling or clingy. It is letting go and it is being firm and true, consistent and congruent. Love is feeling sorry when someone else is hurting, whether I believe I contributed to their pain or not. Love is standing my ground, allowing others to stand theirs, and if needed, agreeing to disagree. Love is respect that does not have to be earned but I offer it freely anyway. I believe all beings are love and that we exist to be love. I believe life is a journey home to love and I believe God is love. I believe all beings are one with God, that we are as one-perfectly formed from love-unconditional love-love without strings attached.

I believe in love and I love believing. xxjxx

Forgiving myself

I believe I've come a long way in the past decade. Where I once was afraid of everyone and everything (no exaggeration), I have learned to face and feel fear, to move through it and let it go and, I have learned to stop blaming others for my pain.

I always had thought of myself as being non-judgmental but as I began to discover who I really am, I soon realised I was very close-minded and very judgmental. I now own that most of my fears came from judging others. I was so afraid, I never gave anyone the chance to be nice or safe or even let them in. I feel sad that I robbed myself of so much but I also feel proud that I have learned and chosen to change that and now know the joy of true, unconditional love. Through focussing on people's hearts and not their actions, I have found great love for all humanity. I have prayed for those I once felt persecuted by and found things to be grateful to them for now. It's not to say I condone hurtful behaviour, I just understand it better and I choose to not make it the focus of my heart and mind. When I was focused on that, it made me fearful, angry, resentful and vengeful and that is not what I was born for.

I was born to love and be loved and I choose love. I choose to think lovingly, act lovingly and be loving and my heart now knows peace so I'm happy with my choice.

xxjxx

Still going...

Well I'm still going, still here, still moving forward.  I haven't blogged for a while because, put simply, I have been so busy, I ran out of time to blog and then forgot my blogger password :)  I intend to come back more now as a form of self-care.  I know and believe self-care is important and I feel sad that I let myself get too busy for me again but on a positive note - it took months this time so I feel proud of myself for that.  I knew in my heart that it would happen and I prepared as best I could and I d believe it paid off.  The cluster headaches that have plagued me for over 2 decades held off until September last year which means my self care ws better than ever and I intend to love myself enough to do it again this year.  I am feeling a little flat right now and that is because my thugts are not entirely healthy so I need to stay in a space of mindful uncondtional love for the moment until this passes - then I will come and write some more.  I hope everyone is happy, healthy and here, God bless xxxjxxx