11th November 2013 saw me reflecting on the date and I realised with sadness and awe that it has now (last week) been 10 years since I walked away from two polar opposites - the absolute love of my children and the abuse of my past. I had to give up one to escape the other because 10 years ago last week, my hope was almost totally gone and I could not see any other way to change what my heart screamed to me I needed to change. It was THE hardest and most devastating choice I have EVER consciously made and although I still sometimes wonder if, in hindsight, I could have done it any other way, I remember the total self-annihilation I endured over the next 6 months that frightened my kids and me and I almost didn't make it through. I feel sad and I still grieve what my children and I lost. I also know to my core that it really was the best choice I could have made at that moment. I was toxic. I was on an implosive course to destruction and I would never forgive myself if I had taken my kids down that path too. I left and I swore - vowed - (when multiple repeated failed suicide attempts finally convinced me to think outside the square - that I would go far far away and find some way to become a person my kids could one day be proud of. (They have always been proud of me but I couldn't then fathom why). I moved 600kms away and so the healng began.
Originally, the only idea I had on how to achieve This new goal was to drive to Sydney to see and hug my father. I barely new him but my 3 year old self knew intuitively that his hug would be medicinal. It was the only idea I had so I decided to go with it and see where I went from there. Little did I know that trip would bring back my hope and turn everything around. Over the next months, I decided I needed to create so many good, happy memories that all of the trauma memories that replayed in my head 24/7 would have no space to inhabit in my mind. In essence I finally became a teenager, at the tender age of 35! I was reckless, impulsive, excited, scared, exhilarated, sad and still, suicidal thoughts plagued me all the time, doubts about why. I Should keep trying. I hated myself for not being with my kids. I judged myself cruelly and constantly and I could not stop loathing myself. I spent so much time crying, I swear my eyelids have been puffed up ever since.
After about 3 months of living impulsively, I knew it was not enough and that if I did not get help of some kind, I was still in grave danger of suicide. I approached the mental health service but they sent me away. They suggested 2 women's centres which. I Did not appreciate and I left. 2 weeks later, I stared at those numbers wondering which to call first. I decided I liked the one that had a woman's name in the title and called to ask what they offer and for directions. The receptionist was so lovely and welcoming that I felt immediately curious to see the place so down I went.
When I arrived, I found her to be just as cheerful and kind as she sounded on the phone and I began to explain my plight. She gently informed me they had a 3 month waiting list for counselling and I panicked. I knew, without an ounce of doubt, that without help, I would not live 3 more months. I dissolve into uncontrollable sobs and she went out to speak with a counsellor who, wonders of wonders, suggested I go straight in. Although I judged that counsellor as a new-age, weird, soft-touch do-gooder that day and it took me about a month to go back, I was also so very grateful because those 2 women saved my life that day and the rest as they say is history.
With their help and the help of all of the staff at WILMA Women's Health Centre in Campbelltown NSW, I worked really really hard over the next 2 years and had some form of counselling or support every single day. I virtually became a newborn infant again and I did not feel confidant to handle any problem alone as 35 years of trauma caught up with me. I Had lived all that time with recurrent memories playing like a movie without a stop button and wondering why I couldn't forget, wishing that I could just forget but I couldn't forget one minute of my entire existence and it hurt so bad....and i blamed myself for it happening. To have another human react in horror to my every-day reality helped me realise what I hade gone though truly was awful and that I was not just a 'bad person' or a 'sook' as I had so long believed. I began to attach feelings to my memories which I had so distanced myself from, I was totally immune to. I began to recognise my self as someone of worth and it was an excruciatingly painful process too as I also began to learn how I had caused others pain in many ways too and I found many new reasons to hate and loathe myself more. I also vowed to keep going. For the longest time, I had to believe I was doing it for my kids, so that what they had endured was not in vain. I felt I owed it to them to see this healing through to its end and whatever pain it caused me was nothing less than I deserved. Over time though, I realised that an attitude like that was not really honouring my kids and nor was it fair to place that responsibility on them so I got to a place where I could do it because I was worth it too.
Then I heard about a place where survivors of childhood trauma could release the emotions trapped inside and heal the wounds with the support of other survivors and I had long dreamed of a place like that but I had no money and no income and by then, I was physically disabled too so I gave up hope of anything like that and continued doing what was working for me - counselling (weekly by then), support and self-help groups, information sessions and, I banned mirrors. I so hated my appearance that looking in a mirror even left me having suicidal thoughts so I banned em all from my home for 2 years. I got rid of em or covered em up :-)
One night, 2 friends of mine returned from this place of healing (Heal For Life) and I could literally see how healed their bodies, minds, and spirits were - they were glowing radiantly and I longed to find what they had but I was still convinced I would never be accepted there because there were so many people in the world who had (really) suffered.....it took me 2 more years to stop making excuses and just go and from the first moment, I wanted to run away. I had to tell myself every 5 minutes "just stay for 5 more minutes and if you still want to run, you can run" - EVERY 5 minutes!!
I dd make it though the week even though on the second day I was beating up on myself because I couldn't use the tools and do it perfectly on my own - on the second day :-) over the next 5 years, I continued regular counselling ( daily for 2 years, weekly for 2 more years, fortnightly for 2 more years, monthly for 2 more years after that and then, in the 8th year, I only need 4 sessions)! I also did more self-help groups, read over 100 self-help books, returned to study and got high distinctions in 3 courses and began volunteering in 2 different places. I even planned on going to university one day. I had accepted the fact by then that I would never work again (as I'd been told by my doctors and Centrelink), that I would one day never walk again and long before I was ready, that I would die prematurely due to a cyst between my spinal chord and brain stem. It seemed so unfair and inevitable and yet......
I began to hope and to heal and I learned to become the me I believe I was created to be. I began to judge less and love more and I learned to listen and empathise. I grew up, and I am learning to re-parent myself in a loving, nurturing way. I have learned how to be my own best friend and enjoy my own company and this month I am trying to learn to love my body too. In January 2012 I returned to full time employment and I feel so blessed, grateful and honoured to all of the wonderful people I have met at WILMA and now at Heal For Life (www.healforlife.com.au) because now I am a new me, the real me.
The trauma did happen. I was abused. It was wrong. It did hurt. It should never have happened.
I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and even though I miss my kids, I still see them and talk to them as often as they and I can make it happen. I still love them totally and unconditionally and always will. I still grieve our loss at times and I still am determined to be someone they can be proud of even though I am well aware now that I cannot control or manipulate their thoughts and feelings :) it's about the vow I made 10 years ago and the vow I continue to make now regularly.........."I want to live in a world of love and I vow to be the change I want to see in this world."
XxjxX
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