I've accepted for a long time that I have a body and spent many years hating it, abusing it, using it and destroying it really. I believe I am a spiritual being having a physical existence but it had never, I think, really sunk in that my body is a part of who "I" am.
I recently became completely incapacitated for 4 weeks, unable for the first 3 weeks to even get up much. My body seemed to shut down and alarmed me with sharp painful spasms, headache and critically high blood pressure which I've never experienced before. I am not someone who suffers colds and illnesses often or gladly and even though I have severe physical health issues and suffer cluster headaches every year, I dont generally get 'sick'. It was frightening.
Throughout my life, I have had multiple traumas on every level and my body has been terribly hurt. Some of those traumas were accidental, some from abuse but then there is much trauma that was self-inflicted through my own ignorance also. I pushed myself so hard all the time trying to win the personality contest of life that I did damage and did not even realise I was doing any damage till only a few years ago when that damage started causing me excruciating, non-stop pain and showed up on scans. I have always been in pain, I got so used to pain that I just learned to push through it and virtually switch it off - that is why I have only recently had this startling epiphany - my body is a part of who "I" am.
I have been actively healing my unseen scars for 10 years this month and I've done a really good job of that. I have no symptoms of mental illness anymore. I choose to continue taking medication for that to further support my brain in healing from the effects of prolonged trauma as I figure my brain needs all the help it can get to heal from 35 years of that.
I have been healing my mind, spirit, brain and heart and trying to include my body but I've realised this past month that my healing has not been holistic in the true sense of the word because I sort of saw my body as some prison cell I was trapped in that had no value or worth. It was just a thing that had to be endured and survived too. Sad really, so much time and effort into destroying the one thing that has truly been with me through all the years, tears, pain and joy. This body gave birth to 2 incredible children and has taken me to the heights of pure ecstasy and yet, I could/would not attach to it - I didn't know I needed to and frankly, I didn't know how. I have done study so I have the information I need and I have endeavoured valiantly to 'ground' myself in it but I have not really recognised its true value till right now. I feel sad about it, I have real grief around it that I am working through and I'm now using the same approach that has worked in healing the rest of me - one tiny baby step at a time:
To heal my body I know I need:
Safety
I don't feel safe in my body because it constantly hurts so I am using affirmations to help my brain change the patterns of what I believe about my body. I am also allowing myself to use pain relief medication for a little while while I reverse the damage I've done and I am making safer choices with food.
Information
Different specialists have told me for the past 8 years that I had to be very careful of moving my body and any exercise other than hydrotherapy was out. No gym, no treadmill, no bikes, no swimming, no Pilates or yoga, no chiropractic, no osteopathy, no, no, no, no. Last week, one of those very same doctors told me that's wrong and there is no reason why I can't. He completed contradicted what he told me 6 years ago and now says there is no reason I can't exercise although lifting weights is still definitely out. My first reaction was to drill him :-). Afterwards I was in complete shock, it really did my head in. I had trusted those learned people to advise me on how to care for my body and I now realise, they do not know that because it is my body, not theirs! I have done courses on lots of different physical aspects and I have the information to have a healthy body, I now need to put it in to practise again and the first step I am taking towards that is to lose 5 kilos before I resume exercising so there is slightly less pressure on my body and stress on my heart when I do begin moving more.
Support
I need professional and personal support to do this. I have now found a wonderful new gp and I've had masses of tests done to ensure it is safe to embark on this part of my journey. I am now stretching myself to let go of any stress I don't need and am on a 30 day salad challenge. I'm not going extreme, I'm trialling eating salad for 2 meals every day for 30 days and my salads include chicken, fish, feta, nuts, seeds, various beans, green leaves, beet root, fruit, peas, corn, carrots and different non creamy dressings in scarce proportion. I have been on this challenge for 2 weeks and I am begininning to feel better in myself and less stressed. I am also drinking a lot of water which is huge for me! And I'm enjoying all this :-)
Connection to my Inner Child/ren
My connection is constant, I love all parts of me dearly, which is how I was able to recognise the importance of my body finally. Because of all the healing I have done, I am no longer able to not love any part of me so that now includes my body. It does not mean I will love my body perfectly immediately, it simply means that now I am able to see my body with the same love and affection I have for every other part of myself, I can work with that and that feels good too.
This is the simplistic way I have approached my healing all along and it has proved tremendously successful. Over the course of my life I have tried many times to have a healthier body and lifestyle and never been able to sustain it. It always felt like I had to, I cracked a whip over my head to do it and then resented it. I think now I know why-how can I cherish anything I do not have an 'attachment' to? So now. I have a new healing buddy -my body and I can already tell, we're gunna be great friends one day.
xxjxx
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