25 May 2011

well, my life is certainly nuts atm, my car is dead, my pc is trying to die and I have cold sores all through my nostrils and mouth from lupus. I'm constantly broke and I am trying to remain positive while recognising that if I do feel depressed, that's okay too and when I remember to go into that depression willingly, it lifts off me without effort or pain. I believe this time for me is a time for me to learn and I feel confident that is happening. Last night, I felt truly terrible and confused and I realised a few issues I still have around money. I've done so much healing in so many areas of my life, about so many issues that I had pretty much forgotten to heal the money stuff and was not even really aware there were any more issues around it although, I had my suspicions coz I have not been able to attract any to me :}
So, I have realised that money may be the domain of my critical parent (inner). Money seems to give me reasons to blame, scold and punish myself, deny myself, despair, rage and I have huge control/lack of control with money - feast or famine. I had less than no money as a child and, when I left home at 15, that did not improve. I learned how to micro-budget very successfully and later, when I had a $50,000 p/a job, I had all that I needed but still no money?????? That gave me a good excuse to beat up on myself though so I guess I got what I wanted out of it.
I realised last night that although I have lightened up a lot about money, I still beat up on myself when I can't afford something or when a bill comes in, or, that I struggle to survive on a part pension and a casual income that is half volunteer work. I'm not sure why I hadn't noticed this before coz I am much more self aware now than I ever was before, guess I had too much to be aware of already and it probably was not time before but I'm sure it is now (to be aware). Of course, now I have shifted my awareness, things are improving just since this morning!!! (as they do, I have found).
2 little acts of kindness today almost had me in tears: my father drove me to an appointment and when hearing I had only $5 to get home, he gave me $50. He used to give me that for birthdays but has not done it for a couple of years now and NEVER gives me money out of the blue (or at any other time). This is mainly because of my attitude and I was reminded of that by someone else recently too - I don't like to accept money without being able to pay it right back???? This is why, instead of declaring bankruptcy a few years back, even though I was advised to by a financial counsellor, I used all of my super and victims of crime compensation to pay back every cent. $40,000 as well as fortnightly payments for 6 years, what a waste! I feel very grateful to my Dad for not giving up on me yet and for giving me that money today.
Also today, the appointment I was going to was with the dentist. I went yesterday but she was away. I was charged $45 anyway and told to come back today - I was so distraught! I have been paying $25 a week to them to prepay some work and it seems that now (coz I have worked so hard and healed so much) I am too healthy to qualify for an EPC from my doctor anymore so the crowns I was pre-paying are not gunna happen but I've already paid $950!! Anyhoo, I went in today and my lovely dentist Loreen Akram, gave me 2 temporary fillings and agreed to me continuing to pay so I can get 1 crown done and she did not charge me for todays visit or work. So, I got a visit, clean, 2 temp fillings for zero dollars!!!! I almost cried and I still am blown away by her compassion and empathy. I have been seeing her for over 3 years now and she is a truly beautiful soul who has always shown me this kind of care. I feel blessed now and that's okay too.
I wonder what else I willlearn about my co-dependent, abusive relationship with money........
onwards and upwards hey what :}

23 May 2011

Lucia Cappachione

"we will never cure the epidemic of child abuse in the outer world until we stop abusing the Child in our inner world"...( Recovery of Your Inner Child - page 22)...

22 May 2011

cosmic week!!

What a week I've had!!  Thankfully I have learned a lot over the past few years and was able to surf the tide of this week, keeping in mind all the while that it would end and a new tide is bound to turn.  I think a week like this would have once defeated me but I am okay today and looking forward to next week!  The week started on Friday 13 actually.  I still believe that Friday 13 is my lucky day so I do not think the date had anything to do with it, more likely to be coz it was a full moon this week, I say.  Anyhoo, Friday 13, I forgot what day it was and missed a session of my new group.  2nd session - got lucky there coz both group leaders were away too :}...then, email acc played up all weekend and I couldn't log in (lucky nothing important in there)...Tuesday I go to start my car and she doesn't wanna play, no clutch fluid (again), so I fill it up but decide not to risk a long drive in this car and call a taxi...taxi late and overcharges me....get to where I'm going, host is sick and I don't see em hardly at all (really good friend)...Wednesday, meetings all day and find out no professional supervision this time (bummed but okay about that)...while all this is happening, Ive come down with the flu too, feel sick as a dog and wanna curl up in bed and die, but........luck turns, wed night meeting cancelled so accepted lift from bff to train station so I can hotfoot it home again and go to bed....try to drive Thursday night but gears wont engage and seems too risky to me to try so, come home, park the car and decide to get transport to group next day....missed the bus...got a taxi and then had lunch after group, walking to dr and BANG!  4 cars crash into each other right beside me!...continue on (after doing community responsible thing and talk to cops)...get to dr and she says I am not sick enough any more to qualify for EPC so I can get my teeth fixed but, gotta have fasting tests for thyroid, cholesterol and blood sugars (without a car?)...decide, bugger it, catch taxi 2 kms to get nails done (figure I deserve a treat), $20 infills have now cost me $50...so, no car, no money, no likelihood of either one changing either...good luck is just around the corner - it has to be, I need it to be, please God?...anyhoo, xoxoxoxo

14 May 2011

why have I chosen to believe in God? (may be traumatic for some to read)

There are people in my life who think I've been brain washed and others who think I have gone insane and am being 'led' by crazies but you know what?   What other people think of me is none of my business!!  I know I am mentally healthy now, probably for the first time too.  I do take daily medication which helps me to sleep and stay focused but has no drowsy-making or crazy-making side effects and I have been taking it for about 5 years now.  I had the dose halved about 12 months ago and I feel good most of the time.  So why do I choose to believe in God?  Did someone put the idea in my head?  I don't believe that is why....
As a child, I went to church for about a year.  It was an Anglican church in a small town and I went there on Sundays with my younger brother and sister.  The children in the congregation sat at the feet of the minister, drawing and colouring in as he delivered his sermon and then joined the adults in the adjoining hall for a light morning tea afterwards.  I used to love that time away from home, hearing about a God who could replace the father I had recently lost and about his son Jesus, who loved all children.  i prayed and dreamed of a day when I could meet these wondrous people and escape the nightmare I called life...I was only 5.
I remember times when I preached at my mother and how angry she would get.  I also remember feeling very confused at being told I had to go to church to be close to God coz it seemed to me that if God was everywhere, then I could talk to Him anywhere.  At some point, when I was about 9, I began to believe that I was evil, the idea came from my limited understanding of the 10 commandments..according to my young mind, my mother broke almost all of the commandments every day and so that made her evil - I figure then that because she broke them over and over and when I preached at her about it, became angry, gleeful and weird, that maybe she was actually THE devil - by my childish reasonings, if she was the devil and I was her child, that made me devils spawn.  I had no real concept of what spawn was but my fear and terror when I reached that conclusion was very real and I carried it inside me until about 3 years ago, without even consciously being aware of it.  Coz I stopped going to church at about 6 and had the Roman Catholic childrens bible for my reference point, as well as about a year with the Queensland mailbox bible club, my religious exposure was confused and limited and maybe even unhelpful.  Add to that the ecumenical and compulsory RE classes in some of the primary schools I attended and I was pretty muddled on the subject Of spirituality and religion.  Like a lot of people, I thought they meant the same thing.
At the age of 15, I lost my best friend in my lap and I swore (out loud) that I hated God and would never believe again.  I could not comprehend how any God could take an angel like that from so many people who adored her and would miss her, when the obvious choice of who to take had been me - no one would miss me at all and certainly did not love me, as far as I was concerned - so I turned my back on God and all that He represented.  It took me a while to change my heart coz I had spent so many moments praying to God alone that whenever things went wrong I found myself praying without thinking and I would get really angry and take it back, vowing never to believe again.
That went pretty well I thought.  My life was miserable for most of the next 25 years.  I was dreadfully unhappy a lot of the time but I had already faced that it would be and I resigned myself to just getting some courage and doing it till it was done.  The only concession i granted God in those times, was the gift of my kids.  I always believed they were gifts from God and even in my agnostic years, I believed that with all my heart (weird, I know).
The crunch came in 1998.  I was spiralling out of control mentally, emotionally and physically and then I lost my father-in-law to suicide as well as a beloved uncle to cancer, all in the space of 4 weeks.  I collapsed in on myself and went into a psychiatric facility for 6 days, only to lose my beloved Grandmother to sudden death the day after I came home.  That shut me down almost completely and the only thing I refused to stop caring about was my kids.  It was as if I no longer had enough energy to live any more but I was so worried about my babies and I made the effort to give them loads and loads of hugs even if I couldn't do another thing - and pretty much, for the next 6 months, I couldn't so much more than that.  I lost all interest in everything I had enjoyed before, I stopped watching tv and movies, reading, going anywhere, seeing anyone, I wouldn't even talk on the phone (to anyone) unless it was really important and I hardly ever thought anything was important enough.
I remember standing in my loungeroomcoz He gave up on me, years ago.  That's the last thing I want to do.  I used to pray and pray to God to help me and He never did, no way".  Suddenly, my mind began replaying all of the prayers from my childhood, on at a time, and while those prayers were replaying, I was seeing how each one had in fact been answered - EVERY PRAYER I HAD EVER UTTERED HAD BEEN ANSWERED - I just hadn't ever noticed.  Some of my prayers were answered quickly and some not, some were obviously what I had asked for and some not so obvious but every single one had been heard and answered - I was sure of it in that moment.  I cried then.  I cried for me and I cried for God.  How could I have been so blind?  I opened my heart and prayed: "God, if you really are real and I'm still not sure if you are yet, if you care about me at all, and I'm not sure you would want to after all I've done and said, but God, please help me to escape this hell I'm in, help me to help myself coz I dunno if I can take anymore and I dunno what else to do, please God, I won't make any promises I can't keep but I will say that if you just help me to help myself and my kids, I'll open my heart to you again and do whatever I can to keep it open. Amen"
I was scared and shaken and still stunned by the earlier revelations about my childhood prayers and I wanted so much to discount it all and say I was psycho but something in my heart told me this was real and I tried really hard not to pull it all apart and make it nothing.  I went to bed and as always, I tossed and turned for hours before dozing into my 4 or 5 hours of dreamless sleep that was my lot.  The next night, I realised that if  was going to get any better, I needed sleep.  How could any person survive unscathed on a few hours a night?  I had been insomniac for years and I'd had enough.  I began to say "The Lord's Prayer".  Why not, it couldn't hurt and it might even help.  I still took hours to get to sleep but I felt a bit better.  I decided I was starting too big and I would get my kids to help me next day so I did.  My kids went to a Catholic school coz I wanted them to know God so they could decide for themselves.  I never intended for them to BE catholic, I just figured that if they knew nothing at all about any God, they could hardly make an informed choice on what they did or did not want to believe in.  I asked my kids to teach me a childrens prayer, something simple.  Since my kids were 8 and 5 at that time, they only knew simple ones anyway.  That night, I began: "Now I lay me, Down to sleep, I pray the lord, My soul to keep, If I should die, Before I wake, I pray the lord, My soul to take, Amen".  I tried for weeks and my mind would wander off onto other things almost straight away but I persevered and tried eve to visualise images for the words which I really found hard but, after about 6 months, I realised I rarely got to Amen anymore, because I fell asleep!!  And you know what, any time I struggle to get to sleep, I say that prayer and I'm asleep in moments.  Most night's I say it anyway coz I love God and I love myself and it feels respectful and loving to say that prayer.  I don't care how old I get, or what anyone else thinks of me - me and my God have an understanding and it carries me on wings of love and faith and I will never turn my back on God again, just as He never actually left me.

In June 2003, I had an experience that re-strengthened my belief in God, although I din't see it straight away.  I'm not sure why but I must have forgotten God again, or maybe I just wanted to be with God so badly, and didn't realise I can be with God anytime, I'm really not sure.  I was at the very bottom of an enormous pit and could see no way out.  I had been attempting suicide over and over for weeks and hadn't told a soul.  I wasn't interested in crying out for help - I wanted to die and escape the pain of being but, there came a point when I realised that I did not want to die, I just couldn't stop trying to make it happen.  I rememeber telling my doctor finally and saying to him: "I don't want to die.  I feel like there is a murderer inside me and I can't get away from them".  I did not understand why I said that, it was just how I felt at the time.  I really didn't want to die but felt compelled to keep trying to suicide.  I was terrified and felt no hope.  I truly believed that my kids were the ones paying the price for me holding onto life so hard and I wanted more than anything to make things better for them, the trouble is, I thought the most loving thing I could do for my kids was to die.  One day, I decided I was through 'attempting', that I had to make up my mind and get this right.  I told a friend I was dying and then went for a walk, where I bought 48 paracetamol tablets and a 6 pack of overproof bundy mixers.  I went to the public loos and downed the lot and then I drove home, got a pair of pj pants, a big knife, a slab of booze, anti depressants and drove to my favourite spot by the river.  I figured I would try every method available and if all else failed, I could drive into the river, thereby overcoming any unconscious will to live.  Sad, I know, but I was desperate.  I was determined to get it right - finally - and stop 'mucking around' (as I told myself I had been up until now).  I had no idea that it was out of my hands at that stage.  As I drove along the bank, I noticed that the water was up too high for me to go where I had intended so I turned away from the river to go back to another spot I knew and.......... my car got bogged!  I screamed, swore and cried.  Eventually I got out and put the pj pants in the tailpipe and getting back in the car, turned on the ignition.  I opened a can of beer and sat holding the knife.  I was very scared of cutting myself again (as I had tried this a week ago and it hurt) but I was so angry with myself too, why couldn't I do this one thing for my kids if I loved them so much?  I was freezing cold so I turned the heater on and, realising I had been there for a while, I wondered why nothing was happening yet.  I though maybe I could try to un-bog the car and got out to have a look.  Imagine my fury when I saw that the pants had flown out of the exhaust pipe.  I stuffed them back in and got baqck in the car, wet, cold and angry, determined.  Turning the ignition, I heard a distinctive 'pop' from the back.  I got out to have a look and sure enough, the pants had flown free again.  I jammed them in as hard as I could and re-started the car - another 'pop'.  I screamed my frustration and decided to forget that idea, I had many more.  As I considered each one, I began to feel sick and cold.  I was shaking so hard with the cold that my teeth were chattering and I was aching from shaking.  I took another sip of beer and almost heaved.  I knew if I was sick, the tablets would come up so I tossed the booze away, and the knife, and sat crying.  I was tired and desolate and cold and I needed this to work.  I could not face another day of my miserable, painful life.  I decided to turn the heater on for a while coz I was at least entitled to die in comfort, right?  I dozed on and off and eventually, I looked at the clock, I had been there for 5 hours!  I figured 8 hours was long enough to do the trick (some info my poor unsuspecting dr had shared) and I began to rejoice - I was finally doing it, I was getting this right this time!  I had already considered the possibilty that I might feel tempted to use my mobile phone to tell someone so I had discounted that possibly coz I had no credit.  Now though, 5 hours after arriv ing at the river, I was feeling ravenously hungry and I convinced myself that even someone on death row would be granted a last meal.  I thought about it for a while, although I felt delirious, and eventually, I called 000 and asked for a peice of cheese.  I feel so sorry now for the poor, dear woman who took that call and she was an angel.  I had no problem telling her where I was and what I had done coz all of my focus was on my imagined last meal and I was ure it was too late for anyone to help me anyway.  How wrong I was.  An ambulance eventually arrived and got bogged too - funnily enough, it was me who told them how to get un-bogged and we made our way to hospital, some 60 minutes away.  By my calculations, by the time we arrived, it would be too late for medical staff to do anything and that was fine by me.  I very nearly succeeded and it took me a long time to consider that perhaps God had a hand in my surviving that night.  I had to be monitored for a year until the effects on my liver had healed and by then, I was mortified at just how close I came to succeeding in my quest.  I wish that suicide was not ever considered by anyone and especially me.  It is such a final and permanent decision and affects so many people, causes so much pain and anguish.  It was so hard in the grip of suicidality to see how much others loved and needed me and so easy to convince myself that no one would care, notice or miss me.  I was wrong.  I survived that night and soon after, I began to see another way out of the pain and I grabbed that instead and I'm still holding on.  You see, I realised that instead of dying, I could change it all.  I don't know why I never saw that before then.  Maybe I did see it but didn't feel I had the power to change anything.  Maybe surviving that night was what I needed to see some sort of flicker of hope.  I dont know but now, my life is spent giving people the information and support they need to step into their own lives and make whatever changes they need to make to want to stay alive.  I have devoted myself and my life to God in this way and I could think of no greater purpose and no greater joy.  I still struggle with guilt over what I have put my kids through and I wish it could have been different for them.
Although it has been suggested to me as I have healed, that spirituality is an important part of healing, no one has ever tried to tell me what to believe in or who God should be for me and I think that is important too.  I believe that people need spirituality but I also believe that is every persons right and privilege to find that for themselves and express that in their own way.  I would never want to tell anyone else what to believe in and I have had that role-modelled to me for the past 7 years.  That has been a most invaluable gift and experience for me and it has opened my own mind, eyes and heart to a spirituality that means more than any religion.  I have no religion, I have spirit, and I have a belief that sustains me, a faith that carries me and  God that loves me, I am blessed and I am grateful and I really do not care what anyone thinks of me for believing what I believe.  xoxoxo thank you God, I love you xoxoxo

7 May 2011

stop running

God showed me His plan for me and I started running!  It took me about 3 years to realise this had happened and it came to me without anyone else being involved, in fact, I hadn't told anyone about it coz I was too scared to give power to it in words!  Once I owned it out loud, I felt relieved but I've just realised today that although I owned it and accepted it, I am still running from it and almost hoping it wont happen.  Weird, coz I know it will happen and nothing will stop it but also, I can do it the easy way or the hard way and lets face it, I've done most things the hard way so do I follow the path of least resistane and jump in, creating anxiety for my brain by expecting too much of myself or, do I keep taking tiny baby steps like I've been taught now - that has worked well so far (better than the first alternative has) and keep plodding along?  Guess I've answered my own question.  Now I just need to decide if I plod along and self-care, will I be able to resist the urge to beat up on myself 10 years from now when I look back and see how much easier and faster I could have done it?  Choices!!!!

6 May 2011

u-oh, I've been thinking again :}

A thought just came to me that amazed and astounded me and I feel so excited by it, I am almost bursting to share.

The brain and nervous system are made up of billions of cells called neurons and these neurons send out information into the spaces between neurons, via chemicals and hormones, which tell the other neurons around it to either get excited or go to sleep.  (very basic, sorry).  Until recently, scientists believed that the neurons we are born with are all we have and they slowly die off over our lifespan.  In 2000, it was recognized that this is not so.  We can grow new neurons and the ones we have can change the way they communicate, which means we can heal problems in our brain cells!! 

If we are unwell, mentally, emotionally or physically, it can also be traced back to neurons in some way.  It has been proven over and over again that trauma (which is emotional in origin anyway) physically effects the brain.  Trauma can cause blindness, deafness, migraine, depression, chronic fatigue and lots of other so-called physical states.  Too much of this and the body/mind begins to break down and decay.

For more info on this sort of info, you might like to read “Waking The Tiger” by Peter A Levine; “The Brain That Heals Itself” by Norman Doidge; “Does Stress Damage The Brain” by J Douglas Bremner; “The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy” by Louis Cozolino; or even search the net coz there is some easy-to-understand info out there which I find really fascinating and helpful to know.

The thought that came to me today was:  What if the planet is an analogy for all this?

A few years ago, I read a book called “Your Body is the Barometer to Your Soul so be Your Own Doctor II” by Annette Noontil.  Annette wrote about how the planet is suffering from our lack of care and trying to wake us up and heave us off with earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, floods and other natural disinters.  It got me to thinking and I like the analogy in that.  Annette even writes a section in her book about how the problems with our cars can be traced back to our own thinking and emotional states, teaching us how to heal our lives.  I carried her book with me for two years and I found it so very useful.  I still look at my car that way and I still believe I am healing my body this way too.

That thought I had today though: What if the planet is an analogy for all this?

Suddenly my mind raced ahead (as it often does).  What if the planet is the mind/body and people are like the neurons?  We send out info into the spaces between us both verbally and non-verbally which either excites or inhibits those around us and, when the messages are mixed, wrong or confused, problems occur (just as they do in the brain).  So then, the neurons (people) are working hard to ensure homeostasis (natural function) and automatic, unconscious things are taken care of, without much awareness or mindful effort.  Things that are not unconscious or automatic require learning, flexibility, adaptation, patience, mindfulness, emotional and cognitive maturity, and application.

This is the same in the brain too.  The brain performs unconscious, automatic processes like heart beat, blood pressure, temperature control, thirst, hunger, sexual impulses, etc.  We don’t use the thinking or feeling parts of our brain to do this.  It just gets done.

Emotions or feelings are a way that our brain can tell us if we are okay or not, they are like a translator for us and they cause reactions within us.  When we feel good and healthy, our brain is probably doing okay.  When we feel miserable or in pain, our brain may not be coping so well and so our feelings are designed to alert us to this.  In today’s world of constant distraction and pressure, a lot of us have stopped paying any attention to feelings at all, or like me, stopped feeling all together. 

Our thinking brains are useful to help us understand, empathise, control urges, respond and consider.  This is supposedly what separates us from animals (not here to talk about creationism vs. science and don’t mean any offence).

So, back to my analogy.  If the planet is a global representation of humans and humans are an individual representation of the planet, then I can learn from the planet about my body, mind and spirit.  Learn what I need and don’t need.  This makes me feel really happy coz for a long time I have felt disheartened about this learning.  I would bemoan the fact that I have this amazing body to live in but haven’t any clue on how it works or what it needs to function at it’s optimum level.  Now I can employ environment to ‘home’ and vice versa.

Like the planet, when my body has had enough and can’t take anymore, it will try to wake me up with earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, tidal waves and more, in the guise (for me) of cluster headaches, spinal problems, arthritis, incontinence, asthma, pain and depression.

I look forward to the moments ahead as I learn from this great, amazing planet and absorb what she has to teach, while respecting and restoring her in kind along the way.

5 May 2011

Dr Wayne W Dyer: "judging others does not define them - it defines you."

Carl Jung: "everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
Dr Phil: "there's somthing about you I just don't like about me." USA 1st yr psycholgy
 

4 May 2011

scattered today

I feel scattered today and that's okay.

I've just read Lost Boy by Brent Jeffs and I'm glad I did coz I was able to relate to so many of his feelings from his childhood and it reminded me of how the effects of trauma are equally pervasive no matter what the experience that caused them.

Trauma has phisical as well as psychological effects and the physical health problems I have now can actually be directly linked to the effects of trauma.

I want to say too, that Jhundis story may be too detailed for some and if this is you, please stop reading.  I need to write this story for my own peace and healing and it has been suggested to me that many people will gain something from reading it.  This is not for people to vicariously traumatise themselves in reading it!  Please take responsibility for keeping your self safe and know when you have read enough.
I am finding this exercise very therapeutic and have no desire to hurt another with my story.

much love xxjxx

1 May 2011

what now/next?

Well, I feel scared and that's okay.  I have finally taken a big step ntoward a lifelong dream and passion and now have Jhundi's story happening.  I'm still trying to work out how to use a blog and get the settings the way I want them but I taught myself everything else about pc's (including how to build and repair them) so I will learn as I go coz that's what I do :P
Yesterday, I decided to add "adsense" to my site so I can (hopefully) earn a little bit of money as I go.  If you find yourself following Jhundi's story or getting some benefit out of the information about the effects of trauma on the brain, please consider clicking on the ads on here as each click helps me out so I can keep writing - God bless xxxjxxx