well, my life is certainly nuts atm, my car is dead, my pc is trying to die and I have cold sores all through my nostrils and mouth from lupus. I'm constantly broke and I am trying to remain positive while recognising that if I do feel depressed, that's okay too and when I remember to go into that depression willingly, it lifts off me without effort or pain. I believe this time for me is a time for me to learn and I feel confident that is happening. Last night, I felt truly terrible and confused and I realised a few issues I still have around money. I've done so much healing in so many areas of my life, about so many issues that I had pretty much forgotten to heal the money stuff and was not even really aware there were any more issues around it although, I had my suspicions coz I have not been able to attract any to me :}
So, I have realised that money may be the domain of my critical parent (inner). Money seems to give me reasons to blame, scold and punish myself, deny myself, despair, rage and I have huge control/lack of control with money - feast or famine. I had less than no money as a child and, when I left home at 15, that did not improve. I learned how to micro-budget very successfully and later, when I had a $50,000 p/a job, I had all that I needed but still no money?????? That gave me a good excuse to beat up on myself though so I guess I got what I wanted out of it.
I realised last night that although I have lightened up a lot about money, I still beat up on myself when I can't afford something or when a bill comes in, or, that I struggle to survive on a part pension and a casual income that is half volunteer work. I'm not sure why I hadn't noticed this before coz I am much more self aware now than I ever was before, guess I had too much to be aware of already and it probably was not time before but I'm sure it is now (to be aware). Of course, now I have shifted my awareness, things are improving just since this morning!!! (as they do, I have found).
2 little acts of kindness today almost had me in tears: my father drove me to an appointment and when hearing I had only $5 to get home, he gave me $50. He used to give me that for birthdays but has not done it for a couple of years now and NEVER gives me money out of the blue (or at any other time). This is mainly because of my attitude and I was reminded of that by someone else recently too - I don't like to accept money without being able to pay it right back???? This is why, instead of declaring bankruptcy a few years back, even though I was advised to by a financial counsellor, I used all of my super and victims of crime compensation to pay back every cent. $40,000 as well as fortnightly payments for 6 years, what a waste! I feel very grateful to my Dad for not giving up on me yet and for giving me that money today.
Also today, the appointment I was going to was with the dentist. I went yesterday but she was away. I was charged $45 anyway and told to come back today - I was so distraught! I have been paying $25 a week to them to prepay some work and it seems that now (coz I have worked so hard and healed so much) I am too healthy to qualify for an EPC from my doctor anymore so the crowns I was pre-paying are not gunna happen but I've already paid $950!! Anyhoo, I went in today and my lovely dentist Loreen Akram, gave me 2 temporary fillings and agreed to me continuing to pay so I can get 1 crown done and she did not charge me for todays visit or work. So, I got a visit, clean, 2 temp fillings for zero dollars!!!! I almost cried and I still am blown away by her compassion and empathy. I have been seeing her for over 3 years now and she is a truly beautiful soul who has always shown me this kind of care. I feel blessed now and that's okay too.
I wonder what else I willlearn about my co-dependent, abusive relationship with money........
onwards and upwards hey what :}