11 Feb 2013

For my mother -with love

Dear Mum
I have fully intended to tell you this to your face but I don't want to wait and I want to acknowledge you now, publicly and permanently. I have done a lot of soul searching that has been way overdue. I have learned how to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way and I have discovered a lot about myself and the world that I did not know.

Along the way, I had one, small hope - that one day, I could love you freely and without pain. That day is now! I love you unconditionally Mum! I have finally let go of the hurt, pain, fear and anger that I had attached to you and I now need to say to you: I am sorry.

I have caused you pain in my pain and I am not proud of that at all. I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see my self or you as we really are - two people doing the best we can with what we've been given. I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you because that is not who I want to be. Now that I know who I do want to be, I want to thank you for the lessons and acknowledge what you have given me. You have gifted me with many things and I'm not sure I know all of what they are yet but to start off:

Thank you for:
* the gift of love - for loving me as I am and somehow having the patience for me to grow up.
* the gift of pain - for without this, I would not appreciate joy so much
* the gift of faith - you taught me to question everything which means I now have an honest, adult relationship with God, a gift worth more than any treasure.
* the gift of attention - to pay attention to everything and not ignore the details.
* the gift of determination - that my resolve is as strong as I want it to be.
* the gift of empathy - now that I can empathise with you, I can truly love.
* the gift of receiving - I can finally receive love without shame because I can now feel loved
* the gift of music - you helped me develop the eclectic taste that feeds my soul like breath
* the gift of self doubt - my ego stands no chance to take over
* the gift of patience - I can wait an eternity for the things that matter most
* the gift of perception - I've realised that nothing ever changes but my perceptions needs to change constantly
* the gift of flexibility - doing things differently produces different results
* the gift of D.I.D - I cannot fathom yet just how amazingly my brain works, but I like it :-)
* the gift of tears - they release stress and work like toner on the skin, double bonus
* the gift of creativity - particularly with money, having so little means I've learned to work magic
* the gift of compassion - you may not know how you taught me but you did
* the gift of silence - golden, precious, and very healing
* the gift of solitude - left alone to find my way
* the gift of prayer - so many prayers and so much time with God
* the gift of humility - there is no empowerment when someone else gets hurt
* the gift of forgiveness - it is not for me to judge you.

Thank you Mum, for these gifts and many more. I have reached the place I've been striving to be, where I can be thankful that you above all others are and were my mother. The place where I can be grateful for the lessons, however they were taught and move onto the next stage - joy, service and forgiving myself for hurting you in my pain. I love you Mum.

6 Feb 2013

Letting go

For 35 years, I never 'felt' angry. I found out what anger was then and realised I had always been angry-simmering cauldron of resentment, fear, intolerance, judgmentalism, scorn, envy, sadness, loss, grief and rage. I had been suppressing anger since birth and it was literally working like poison inside me.

Since the (8years), I have learned how to feel anger and release it from me. I have spent hundreds of hours screaming, smashing, crying and praying and I find now it is hard for me to stay angry for more than a few minutes.

I believe my anger comes from fear and the more I work through that, the less anger I have.

xxjxx

4 Feb 2013

The journey to being love

I have learned to accept compliments. I am no longer averse to being complimented. I no longer need to minimise or deflect compliments. I also am no longer dependent on compliments to feed my soul and make me feel good. I try to come from a heart space in every possible moment and although it is actually something I believe impossible for anyone to do every waking moment, I try, without feeling I need to do it perfectly or even close to perfectly. I know my intent is pure and my effort is great, the achievement means little to me in comparison.

I want to BE love. It is my goal, my purpose, my pledge. It is my promise - the gift I give myself. It is not enough for me to proclaim, profess, preach, ponder or pontificate over love. It is not enough for me to protest or procrastinate. I want to practice and perceive love in as many moments as possible - to be an open, willing, receptive conduit for pure, innocent, unconditional love

I do not see how it would be possible without humility. I do not believe I am any better than anyone else. I believe that we each and all have amazing, unique, gifts and talents to bring to this world. I don't believe I am lesser that anyone else either, although this took me longer to get to. I have learned that human beings need 'strokes', transactions (communications, words, behaviours, etc) that provide the psyche with stimuli. I have also learned that I need that more from within than from without and that if I meet my own needs in that, I can more easily accept what is and find my bliss. I am finding more and more that happiness comes to me more easily when I expect no praise or recognition for who I am or what I do. I am who I am and I am becoming more okay with that each day.

I regularly ask myself two questions:
1. Is this the me I want to be?
2. If I died today and God asked me, "are you happy with the way things ended?"

I want to say "yes!!!"

If the answer to either of those is no, I start reflecting on why and then I make changes. I decided long ago that I want to answer yes to both of those questions -that saying yes is really, important to me when I ask myself those questions. This is what makes it easier for me to walk the path towards being love because I am doing what I love by being who I am and by not judging others for doing what they do or being who they are. I like the me I am and I don't need approval from anyone to be able to BE love.

Wow!! What a journey life is!!

xxjxx