27 May 2014

Self care

Today I give thanks to all of the people on this planet who give other people pedicures.  In this world there are so many people like me who are in desperate need of more self care and have very liitle idea of how to begin and voila!! Some angel is just waiting to scrub, massage and bathe my tired, swollen legs and feet and see up close what I can't see needs doing from my lofty height above (5'4") and then take care of it for me, with a gentle, caring manner and a smile.  I made sure to tell that angel how awesome she is too, no wasted, unspoken compliment.  I truly appreciate the gift that girl has given me, along with the other gifts I received while I indulged in self care: the hairdresser who listened while I said "keep cutting", my bestie who waited patiently by for 4 hours, the lady who manicured my hands, the smiling staff that served me lunch, the bank teller who let me use her PC so I could get some work banking done, the smiling lad who rang up my groceries, the pleasant visitor I had this morning and my neighbour who moved her tradesman out of my way without hesitating.

As hard as it has been for me to self care without guilt (still not quite there), I feel very glad I had another go at it and God has seemingly smiled on me all day for doin it.  Next job is a good nights sleep so I can pay it forward tomorrow :-)

xxjxx

18 May 2014

My experience of Heal For Life Foundation













I have travelled a long, hard road to today and I am who I am.  I've made many mistakes, some of them big and disastrous, and I have done things I carried shame about. I have at times in my past been blind, mute, deaf, unloving and unempathic, unfeeling and unreal. One thing I have never been is untrue. That may not make sense and I don't need it to, I have known me for a relatively short time.  In fact, until 10 years ago, I did not know who 'I' was. I knew facts about my experiences, I remembered minute details of my existence but I did not have the slightest sense of 'I'. But even then, I did know who I wanted to be and I tried with all my might to be that. What I didn't know then was that I didn't know how to be me. I read masses of books, studied, sought professional counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, medication, and expert advice in my determined effort to be who I knew I wanted to be but I did not know that the answers I was seeking were already inside me.  I learned that through the support of other survivors at Heal For Life. I had a great counsellor and support network who encouraged me to go to Heal For Life.  I had friends who had been and come home glowing with joy, turning their lives around.  I wanted that too but I was scared. I knew nothing about this place and my friends said I had to experience it for myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do well, I researched it.  I found out that Heal For Life is run by survivors for survivors and does not give counselling or advice.  I learned that they have strongly enforced safety guidelines and I learned they really care about each person who goes there. I felt terrified but I trusted my counsellors and I took the step.


That was back in 2006. At that time, I was broke, disabled and feeling close to hopeless. I saw no future and I looked at the world through a broken lens. I believed I had nothing much to offer and I'd actually been told by Centrelink and 2 specialists that I would never work again. 

Going to Heal For Life was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thanks to many wonderful people, most of whom were also learning who they were, I know now who I am and what 'I' means for me and to me.  I also have a full time job again which feels fabulous. I did a lot of training and volunteering with Wesley and Lifeline and returned to study in Welfare, Community Services and Mental Health and, even though at the beginning I thought that if I passed at all I would barely scape through because I believed I was stupid, I got 100%on 1/2 of my exams and not less than 90% on all the rest barring 1 (67%).  I then began training at Heal For Life myself to become a volunteer and later a facilitator.  I would not have studied what I did if not for Heal For Life who insisted that if I wanted to join their team, I must have external qualifications too. Even after such great grades, I still thought I might fail but I had never had the support I was now getting and it made a huge difference.  Heal For Life did not just throw me in to support other survivors, they stretched me to aspire and helped me, encouraged me to aim higher than I ever thought possible. They taught me so many things, not just trauma healing but, academic skills too. I did not know how to write essays or reports before I went to Heal For Life and now I write them easily and without fear.

I have learned so much at Heal For Life. I have learned the real definition of responsibility and self care.  To let go of the need to blame.  To re-parent my self in a healthier way.  To see mistakes as opportunities to learn. To give and receive feedback. To love myself and others equally. To give and receive in life in balance. To listen. To strive for quality and leave the need for perfection behind. To know that my feelings cannot destroy me and that other people cannot make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. To become the cause of my future and not just the result of my past.  I underwent 2 different psychological evaluations at Heal For Life as a condition of being a volunteer there and the results gave me such hope.  

The positive effects of what I have gained from Heal For Life have impacted more than just me, it has positively influenced everyone around me and I decided in 2012 I was going to enrol in a Grad. Dip in Counselling at ACU.  I had called up the uni and began the application when I received an email advertising for a full time position at Heal For Life coordinating the programs. I thought that as much as I would love to do that, everyone else stood a better chance (because I was sure they had better qualifications and skills) but I decided to apply anyway. I was interviewed by an external person in Newcastle and then I went back to Sydney to complete my uni application.  (Sadly, until about that time, whenever I prepared my CV, all I saw was that I only got as far as Yr 9 at school.  I did not see until that very application, just how many courses I had done since or how many qualifications I had gained along the way) and.......I got the job! I started 9th Jan 2012.

I was very excited in 2012 when Heal For Life gained accreditation from QIC.  That was a dream of mine as I have seen the immense growth in the organisation since 2006.  I've seen people come and go, I've made friends along the way and said goodbye to some also.  I've grieved losses and celebrated triumphs and I've learned to listen, something which I know I was once totally unable to do.  I know when to refer someone for professional support and I know how important it is for that to happen because I've learned that at Heal For Life.  In the 2 years I've been in my new role, I have again given up the life I once knew to start over and I'm glad I had the courage to do that.  I love the work we do.  I love the people I meet and the joys that they share. I appreciate the feedback that every person is invited to give and I love that sharing stories is not part of the program coz I'm done with the story of my misery. I've been at Heal For Life since 2006 and most of my friends there don't know my 'story' because those details are not who I am. Who I am is who I am and I believe in what we do with all my heart.

I believe everyone has the right to ask questions, make complaints, be heard, speak up.  It is so important for survivors to take back their power - I have total respect for that and I encourage it although I feel terribly sad when it is done out of malice, that is not empowerment.  If my actions hurt others I am disempowering myself all over again, and others.  If I feel the need to make a stand on something, I get facts first, healthy balanced information so I can make an informed choice, because I learned to do that at Heal For Life too. That is the person I have always wanted to be. A person with integrity and congruence. A person who is flexible yet firm. I am still learning but it's much easier now thanks to the lessons.

I'm not a fool, I know Laws, ACTs, policies, procedures, ethical guidelines.  I know how to adhere to them and I am pedantic about it, which anyone who knows me knows. I have also trained in finance and admin and, If I make a mistake about anything, I am grateful to have it pointed out, I apologise and I begin making whatever change is necessary, then I look at what I can learn from it so I won't make the same mistake again.  I also know the people around me do it that way too - I see it daily.   I'm not ever going to say Heal For Life is perfect because nothing can be perfect.  What I do know and I stand by is this: the volunteers and staff are skilled, trained, capable and committed to excellent service delivery. With the vision of flat-style management and consensus decision making, with every person having equality and ownership, Heal For Life is an incredible place to be a part of and will continue to become even better as time goes by thanks to the survivors who continue to be the incredible people they are, giving as much as they do.  Each person there has fought their own battle and wants to walk alongside others as they themselves were supported at Heal For Life and each person tries to embody the philosophies of Heal For Life and supports each other in continuing to grow and learn and thanks to them, I have learned to do that too.

xxjxx


17 May 2014

Learning patience

Last night I discovered a huge, festering splinter in my soul that I needed to remove.  It was so hard to recognise and it hurt to suddenly see how I had disconnected from so much over the past 5 years without knowing I was doing that.  This year I have been very aware of something trying to surface and, although I once would have had no patience to wait until it came up in its own time, this year I have actually felt very content and happy to allow things to run their own course.  For a long time, I flooded and pushed, cracking the proverbial whip over myself in some kind of mindless self-flagellation because I was still a victim to my inner critical parents and they knew no other way to motivate me.  

Now though, I have mindfully been encouraging them to learn how to be lovingly firm instead and it's paying off for me. I have been able to create some key safety principles and internal group safety agreements to help the facilitation of the group that is me and each member has a safe place of refuge as well as group safe places we can "meet".  

Finding and letting go of that splinter was crucial to my future physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health on every level and it was removed with love and tenderness and not just yanked out :-). The large void it left has now been filled with love and light - me and my guys know the road ahead will be a litle scary as we learn to connect without holding back anything and I'm sure there is much to learn while doing it (aka more pain and fear and mistakes).  The wonderful thing is that I can already feel the child parts of me clamouring to burst free and revel in the glory of being and I feel very grateful and excited (and anxious, of course) to be re-infected, this time with enthusiasm.

This year is Hope's year. Patience, love, light, connecting, grace, learning, growing and being and, if it takes all year, I am more than happy to wait.

xxjxx

13 May 2014

Letter to my 45 year old self



Dear June

Don't quit, keep playing.  The hands of the maestro are entwined with yours.  The prayers you have uttered have always been heard and answered as you know and today's prayers are among them.  You strive so hard to balance service with self care and it's okay that you don't have it all worked out yet.  As you used to tell your own children, effort shows much more than achievement.  Please know that you are worthwhile and worthy, you always have been and the old, critical measuring stick is redundant and of no use.  Love yourself, be patient with yourself, believe in yourself.  You bestow all of these favours upon others constantly and you are worthy of al this from yourself too.  Be true to who you are and hold fast to God because it brings you such solace.  You are loving and loved and maybe not everyone likes you or understands you but "what other people think of you is none of your business" :-)

I know that you despair at times and sometimes feel alone and I've seen how beautifully attentive you've become of you inner family as well as to others, you've come so far from being the poor sad victim you were 10 years ago.  I'm so very proud of you and I'm cheering you on every moment.  I wish I could do more than give you emotional support but of course I won't rescue you either :-)

I saw how you recognised someone else coming from fear and simply decided to not buy into it but stayed with love and gently guided them away from fear too.  I was amazed at how seamlessly you did it this time, it really does seem to be easier each time you do it.  congratulations, I know you've been working hard at that.  Please remember always, you are never alone, angels, guides, your inner family, your God, inspiration, love, light, hope and faith are always with you just waiting for your invitation.  You are an incredible, phenomenal being and I love you.

xxjxx