As I continue the incredible journey to self-love and Being, I am drawn to reflect on some of the hurdles already crossed in recognition of my own achievements.  As I was unable to acknowledge any of my own achievements for most of my life, this is huge for me in itself.   I believe that one of the biggest hurdles I have crossed is being grounded in my body.  I remember well the first time I was led in a 'Grounding' exercise by a counsellor.  I dutifully began to focus my attention on my feet connecting with the floor and as I moved my attention to my ankles, I experienced a very intense ache in my head and neck which hurt quite a bit.  I realised that I really needed to learn how to 'ground' myself.

Over time I tried many different exercises and at first they brought up old trauma which makes perfect sense to me now but did not at the time.  Our bodies store unresolved trauma in our cells and, in order to heal anything, physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, the cells need to be freed from these burdens.  Bear in mind that the word 'emotion' is like an equation: Emotion = (energy) E+motion (movement).  When energy is in motion in our body, we experience an Emotion.  We can acknowledge this Emotion through recognising, verbalising and validating the feelings.  It is vital though that we then attend to the energy (Emotion).  

I have come to learn that if I do not allow and recognise the energy within my body, I struggle to release it.  It then becomes trapped in my cells and creates dis-harmony and eventually dis-ease.  I have experienced, and now healed many dis-eases in my body including arthritis, cluster headaches, migraine, cancer, hyper- and hypo- thyroidism, depression, anxiety, insomnia, irritable bowel syndrome, back pain and the resulting disability, colds, sinus problems and much more.  My body had an enormous amount of trapped energy and as Peter A Levine suggests in his book Waking The Tiger:Healing Trauma, the trapped energy will use any part of our internal system in order to return to some semblance of normal functioning.  

In order to learn how to release this energy, I first had to learn how to recognise and label my feelings.  I had not 'felt' anything but numb and miserable for so long that I actually had no language for feelings.  I had no real concept of feelings at all and so they all just lumped together inside me until I drowned in them totally and that was when I became suicidal.  I know now that even the suicidal behaviour was just an expression of that trapped Emotion needing release.

As I learned the language I needed for feelings, I began to also learn healthy ways to recognise and release the Emotion too.  Regular massage, acupuncture, hydrotherapy, kinesiology, counseling, psychotherapy, medication and visualisations gave me the knowledge and outlets for gentle releasing.  I also learned some fabulous and safe somatic release exercises at Heal For Life Foundation in NSW, Australia.  During all this I further learned just how separated aka dissociated, I had been from my body, the temple that houses my Soul.  I started to realise just how much damage had occurred and how much of the pain I experienced was directly attributable to this trapped Emotion.  The awareness felt devastating for a while and I found I needed a lot of support while I got through that stage of healing.

This all began about 12 years ago after repeated suicide attempts drove me to do whatever it took to stop the madness.  It ended up taking everything I had and I almost did not survive it but after all that I am still alive and I have to say, feeling grateful to be alive.  About 2 years ago I really started to acknowledge that even with the incredible amount of healing I have done on every level, I was still not fully embodying my Self and not fully recognising the value and vital importance of my body and the role it plays in my life.  I had actually allowed myself to start believing that my body did not really matter after all, that it would eventually stop working and fail me.  This led to me convincing myself that I could and probably should, let go of my attachment to my body now and save myself the trauma of doing that later.  Funnily enough, letting go of attachment to the body is eventually a healthy ideal but, I had never learned to love my body at all and so now I am being led back.  

Last year, I got the sense of reaching a point in my healing where it is time to be 'reborn' into this world wholly and soully, with body, mind and Soul as one.  I set about learning to love and value my body with intent.  I had done loads of work over the previous decade and I'm thankful for that.  I had spent years learning and teaching others the neuroscience behind the ways my body reacts and responds to stimuli and the lack of stimuli.  This really helped to prepare me for the next and so far most important stage, recognising my body as part of me.  It may sound strange but that is really how unattached to my body I once was and for most of my life too.  I had spent decades literally abusing my body and not owning it is a part of who I am - no wonder it created so much dis-ease.  Imagine a child just dumped in the street and stuffed with rubbish and toxins, that's the role my poor body played.  I hated my body and I completely abandoned, neglected and abused it for over 30 years since I left home as a 15 year old.  It was a hard and sad realisation and I'm so glad now that I was able to see that.  My body has survived an incredible amount of abuse and trauma and still allowed me to feel exquisite sensations too.  I need my body and I appreciate what is has done for me.  I also appreciate what it is doing for me and what it will do for me in the future.  I honour the strength, power and value of my body and I believe my body is incredible and amazing.  I love my body, even when it is fat, even when it hurts, even when it is exhausted, even when it is sick, even when it stops working, even when it poops and pees.  I love my body enough to learn how to nurture it and to stop abusing it.  I love my body enough now to change my life for it and I am so very grateful for the opportunities my body has given me.  

In the past year I have honoured my body's needs by saying goodbye to cigarettes, caffeine, sugar, meat and most animal products, most food additives, extreme stress, medications and self-hatred.  I have instead embraced an almost totally sugar-free vegan diet; plenty of fresh, unprocessed produce; gentle movement; mindfulness; meditation; energy healings and study at Shanti Mission in NSW, Australia; living in nature with almost no technology including limited electricity, solar lighting and composting toilets; gardening to grow my own food; downsizing and de-stressing; oil pulling; going barefoot as often as possible; self-expression through writing; positive affirmations; and repeated grounding techniques.  This is all working so well that my body is beginning to love me back and I am able to do some things that I was not able to fit years like vacuum and dance.  I never thought I would be grateful to vacuum a floor but I am now that I am mindful of how much I can do and am honouring that.

Right now I can think of no greater gift I can give myself than to love my body and I do.

At+Onement 

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