I rise

Over the past few months, every experience I've had in this life has re-emerged and replayed.  I have taken it to mean that my God is helping me to purify my mind, body and spirit.  Memories of old hurts and joys bubble to the surface almost daily and old patterns play out with new people.  Feelings flow through me now like tidal currents lashing against the internal cliffs of my being to gently form new, softer shores.  The intensity of it is astounding some days and my body has insisted on fresh, living fuel only to support this quest.  No meat of any form, no egg or dairy, no added sugars, no toxins, stimulants or medications other than antihistamine, no lying to myself anymore.

Living in one room with only a small generator run once a day for electricity, no regular income, a tiny gas fridge, no fresh drinking water and very little human contact.  A sporadic phone service and Internet connection that drops in and out with the gentlest breeze and only if I step away from it.  If I go near my phone it plays up but settles when I step away from it.  2 new generators blew up when I touched them so I'm keeping well away from the one we have now.  All of this has made it impossible to avoid myself, the reality of who I am.  I'm not what other people want me to be or expect me to be.  I'm not what I once tortured myself to be.  I am who I was created to be and its time I accept and love me.  It's time to let go of the raging desire to be liked by others so I can love me instead.  I'm so grateful to my husband for his support this past year as I've trusted my gut to the most extreme degree.  I can feel myself healing at a level I did not formerly know existed.

The pain is exquisite and the loneliness almost unbearable at times but, holding tight to my God as instructed, I feel the life force pulsing within me and within everything else.  I feel everything and everyone and now I am not overwhelmed with that, I am buoyed by it.  This world is so amazing to me and Love is so stupendously available in my heart that I willingly send it out through the ether to all that I can.  I am love and I can be real in that finally.  In learning to love and forgive myself, I have learned to love and forgive others which helps me then to love and forgive myself even more still.  As I grow and learn, I rise ever higher and tether my heart to the earth more effortlessly, more deeply and more determinedly.  I was born to rise, as I believe we all were and I will rise and remember.  I am a Divine child and I rise.

xxjxx

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