I spent most of my life dissociating, living in the past or the future because I didn't feel safe in the now. My ego could not cope with my circumstances at all so as time went by more and more of the energy of who I was became fragmented, disjointed, disallowed - disassociated. I remember once telling a counsellor that I felt like an actor playing roles, that there was a different role for me to play with every person I met but if any of them were in a room together I didn't know who to be. Sad really, that I had learned at such a young age to not be real or present in my own life. At the same time, what a brilliant coping strategy and, how helpful it is now that I can be present. With mindfulness, I can step into the energy of others, feel that within myself, then step out again. It's a very powerful way to develop empathy, compassion and stillness. When I told that counsellor what I did, I was not feeling brilliant, I was feeling lost. In the 20 years since, I've worked very hard to not only discover who I am but to BE me as well. I realise today that it is through love that I have found myself.
My children were the first people that I felt truly safe to be myself with. Their love for me was so complete, unconditional, accepting and honest and I wanted nothing more right then than to love them too the same way. Up till then I had tried and tried to love others only to feel devastated and lost. I didn't know how filled I was with self-hatred then and how unworthy I felt of being loved. When my children came along, I just wanted to spend every moment caring for them, ensuring they felt all the love I had not felt myself. I didn't want to miss one moment by remembering the past or daydreaming into the future. I just drank in every moment with them that I could and committed it to memory. It's all still there; the way my sons hair shone like strands of spun gold in the sun and the way my daughter beamed with the miracles of each day every morning that she woke up; the smiles, tears, cheers and fears; the music, movies, play and lessons; the discipline, the explanations, the hugs and the stories; cooking and camping together; playing with pets; gardening; boating; celebrations and losses; tragedy and hope. Loving my children filled every moment and I am so grateful for that experience because one day it was all over. One day the unhealed lessons from a tragic past tracked me down like bounty hunters and threw me to my face on the ground, clutching at my own soul as I clawed for freedom. All that I had thought myself to be was an illusion and the mirror suddenly shattered into a thousand pieces. I began to slowly see how fragmented I was and wondered how I could ever be whole from there.
Soon after I dared to love another. It was as if my heart knew that if I could just see how someone else could love me, I would be able to figure out how I could love me too because I still had no idea how to love myself at all. So began a journey of learning, love, light, discovery and presence. So began my journey to find out who I am, what I do and don't like, what I do and don't want, what choices I can make, what thoughts and feelings I attach to, what my own experiences have gifted to me.
Last year, after 12 years of really intense work learning to love myself and others equally and unconditionally, I reached a crucible moment where I realised that I still loved others more than myself. I still believed that I was not as valuable as everyone else and that I still was allowing abuse in my life. I decided that finally I loved myself enough to be in the present with me too and, just as I had with my children, not want to miss a minute of time with me. I said no to more abuse and I stopped abusing myself too. Up till then I was still smoking, eating rubbish and beating up on myself for perceived imperfections and for not being able to meet the impossibly high standards of others who I allowed to manipulate, coerce and even yell at me. I was allowing the energy of others to create my own energy and, my ego was still trying to create new roles to cope. So I just said "no more, this time I will be me. No roles, no hiding, no avoidance or denial. This time I love myself enough to be real and I will do whatever it takes to keep me safe."
So real is what I am now. I felt shock, rage, despair, loss, grief, terror, shame, powerlessness, abandonment, hatred, doubt, insanity, confused, betrayed, persecuted, desolate and raw at different times and I was beset by old memories bubbling up and popping into my conscious mind, haunting me with as-yet unfelt feelings but I felt them all. I stayed right here with myself and I allowed every one of those formerly denied feelings to have its moment within me. I felt and released the energy of those emotions and I nurtured and thanked myself for doing it every step along the way. I learned to love myself the way my husband does, the same way I love my children. I fought for me and I did not give in. I found my own worth and I am proud of what I have found. I have willingly walked into the fire and walked out again with my head high and my hand on my heart. I don't know who I am anymore without those old roles keeping me safe but unreal, but I'm enjoying finding out. I am enjoying the time I have alone with myself, loving my mind, body and spirit. I am enjoying the peace and bliss that is part of every day now for me.
I am me and that is enough. It always was and it always will be.
At+Onement
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