Day 20/21 Why am I Doing This?

Day 20/21

As the scheduled time for the baby doll exercise draws to a close I'm reflecting on how hard I have fought against myself during my life.  I have had so much intuition assisting me and have fought it so determinedly for so long.  Up until the age of 35, I outright rejected intuition as something ridiculous at best.  Since then I've learned to acknowledge intuition and value it highly but not to really honour it through consistent attention and trust.  Yesterday I cried for all those times my intuitive guidance tried to help me and I ignored it.  I'm choosing to forgive myself for that and not to self-blame.  It is what it is and I have always tried hard so there is nothing to forgive, just an awareness to absorb into myself.  I used to think that intuition was self-love and that self-love was narcissism.  Because of this I have struggled at times to be as loving with myself as I can easily be with others.  When I first received divine guidance to create this blog, I felt scared and anxious about sharing myself and my experiences like this.  I was hesitant to open up to the world in such a private way and I sat with it for weeks, praying over the purpose of it and wondering whether or not it was God or my ego trying to guide me.  Fortunately, I know how differently divine energy feels from ego for me so I had to acknowledge the message I was given and go ahead.  Fear or not, I trusted there was some purpose to it all and the clear message was: "all you have to share with the world is you so share that."  I spent 15 years helping my birth family survive, another 16 years taking care of a husband and kids and then 12 years supporting survivors of childhood trauma in various ways, all while trying to survive and thrive myself.  I want to serve in the world and I have no attachment to how so for today sharing myself is it.  I do believe that I cannot take anyone to places I am not prepared to go to myself.  I long ago pondered why one person would have so many diverse and adverse experiences as I have had but I found peace in realising that there is not much I am unable to empathize with.  In healing the pain of my own trauma, particularly through working with the inner child, I am healing in my own way which is what I believe everyone has the right to do.  

There are so many modalities of healing in the world today, each one fabulous in its own right but, I don't believe there is a one-size-fits-all way to heal or grow.  We are all so very unique and individual and although at times our egos may want to control, judge and label everything and make everything and everyone the same, we are all different so it's not going to work.  We can choose to share or not share what works for us and others can choose whether or not to use it themselves.  That for me is the true beauty of free will - being able to choose what feels right for me, knowing and allowing that everyone else has the same right.  I reached a point in my healing where I wanted to help others and realised that if I stopped healing myself, that is as far as I could guide others to.

Considering that I want to help in any way I'm needed, I figured I need to not stop healing myself so I can go anywhere I'm needed, anytime, for anyone.  I won't stop.  I will do whatever it takes to be a healer, to help others as I've been helped, to guide others into their own sense of self so they too can choose to embark on the journey from head to heart if they wish.  I can walk alongside any person with any pain and not shy away and I can love enough now to walk into the darkest pit, hold someone's hand and walk out again knowing we are both safe and loved.  I know I can do that because I'm doing it for myself as I've done it for so many others and I don't think I'm anything special for doing it.  I simply believe it's what my purpose in life is.

I have had no harsher critic than me and even that is now a blessing as I have learned so much from that too.  Now I'm learning how to be my own ally, friend and supporter and this baby doll exercise is helping so much with that.  I learned great tools while volunteering at LifeLine Australia and while volunteering and working at Heal For Life Foundation www.healforlife.com.au (where I learned about the baby doll exercise).  Now I'm learning more great tools at Shanti Mission www.shantimission.orgthat are helping me to grow even more.

There are so many roads that each of us can take in life and every moment is a choice containing more choices.  I really believe that we each need to make the choices that feel right for us in the moment we make them and not beat up on ourselves if they don't work out the way we want them to.  That's as much a part of the learning as anything else.  No matter what behaviour we've learned, we can un-learn too and I love that I can learn and unlearn as much as I want to.  What I'm learning right now is that I really do only have myself to share with this world and there are no limits to the number of ways I can do that.  Right now writing is the way I choose and that is okay, in the new moments that tomorrow or other lifetimes bring, I may use a different form of expression and that's okay too.  I'm happy to follow divine guidance and not create expectations around it.  I've done enough judging to last me 2000 lifetimes and now I'm content to just love life, myself and all of creation.  I love the messages of thanks I get each day and I feel so grateful that so many people are finding this page helpful to them.  I also totally understand that there are other people who get nothing from it.  That's the beauty of the Internet for me, there is so much available that we each have more choice than ever before and, we can pick and choose to our hearts content.  

In my choosing to love my own self and share that journey with you, I have reached a place inside that I didn't know existed.  A place where peace is the only feeling possible.  A place where nothing is real but love and nothing can shake that certainty.  It's a place I have visited but don't yet live in and I love that I can even make a choice around that.  Thank you for inspiring me to inspire you through simply being myself and sharing that each day.  I hope you know that you're making a difference in my world just by reading this post.  Thank you.  Bless you.  Namaste.

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New Indoor Space - Day 19/21

Day 19/21

I've sent the past 2 days zoning the space in my new caravan so it meets all of the higher vibrational needs of my Soul - "Kiddie Korner", for play, reading, fun and feelings; "Devotional Den" for worship and prayer; "Talent Table" for writing and other crafts; "Needle Nook" for sewing and "Contemplation Cradle" for meditation and mantras.  Last but not least "Library Lane" for the masses of healing books I've collected over the years.  For the past 2 years the bulk of our belongings has sat unused in a shipping container and although we discussed letting go of it all a few times, we had not got around to actually doing it.  It turns out our procrastinating has paid off because we were able to repurpose about 1/2 of it so far in creating the chakra garden and now in kitting out the caravans.  I even found a couple of warm wraps I'd forgotten I owned so now it feels like I've got new clothes too, a luxury I'd given up on of late.  Amazingly, I also received a large tub of warm, recycled clothing just 2 days ago from one of my angelic friends so this week has been a bit like Christmas for me really, aaaaand I've been warm!!

I took my baby doll into "Kiddie Korner" the first day and it felt so good to see that baby me surrounded by all the toys and teddies that my husband has collected for me. I don't recall having toys as a child so this was another reclaiming of childhood in amassing the collection I have now.  I also have a few children's books so I can curl up and read stories to myself again among the toys, stickers and glow-in-the-dark stars, not to mention my mountain of coloring-in books, paints, pencils, pastels and bead-making kit to entertain the creative kid in me.

"Talent Table" is for my adult creativity to blossom through writing my books, poetry, journalling and any admin tasks I set myself.  Being next to Kiddie Corner, it also has the table-top for the above-mentioned creative pursuits to happen on.  "Library Lane" surrounds the table to keep the books within reach of my writing for easy access to quotes and in case I need to jog my memory for information.  Behind me sits my "Devotional Den" for multi-faith prayers and devotions, a shrine for divine worship and gratitude to bless my daily life and enrich my Soul while expanding my consciousness with even more love.  Next to that is my "Contemplation Cradle" with a double bed decked out as a large meditation cushion all comfy and colorful, doubling occasionally as a guest bed.  The "Needle Nook" completed the zones with all my sewing gear handy in one place so I can start thinking about creating my own style again.

Both my husband and I felt a spark of excitement in this project as it feels good to have an indoor living space again.  We love our little home and it has provided so much stimulation for our creativity and ability so it's the perfect home for us.  Living outdoors though has had drawbacks and it felt wasteful to have a whole house full of lovely things going to waste in a shipping container like ours was.  These caravans have created many delightful solutions to that and provided a project that connects us even more.  We are both enjoying allowing our inner children out to consult on our designs again.  

I'm having 2 whole weeks at home soon so I can devote myself to the first edit on my book and get closer to publishing it.  I have almost enough words and it looks terrific, I just need to read it and see what it needs to polish it and ensure its worth reading.  I must say myself that after reading the first 30 pages I'm impressed.  I would read it myself if I had not written it.  As an autobiography it's not too shabby and it did draw me in.  I've been reading it to my baby doll as a kind of integration tool too, a way of sharing my pre-rebirth history with her.

There are so many layers of healing occurring for me with this baby doll and I have no idea what the future holds so I feel grateful for being able to be content with this moment.  I did a double-take when I got out my toys to put in the van because one of the baby dolls I used previously for this exercise now looks totally different to me.  I remembered the eyes on that doll being gray-blue when I used to look into them but now they are bright and light.  I find it fascinating that my eyes see pictures of myself differently too now and that gives me hope that my vision will clear as I progress also.  

I really have not seen my life clearly in the past and I knew that was why my eyesight was beginning to fail.  I'm certain it will heal as the rest of my body has been in working through the layers of denial I had created around why I was in so much pain.  My life is not to blame for my pain because there is no blame for me anymore.  I've been learning and experiencing life and now I am letting go of the blame that victim-consciousness carries, I can see many things in it all to be grateful for so I choose to focus on that now instead.  I've done the work on honouring the story, the victim, the child, and the survivor. Now it's time to honour my Soul and let it all go with love, compassion, forgiveness and gratitude.  I feel so blessed to have reached such an amazing state of healing and I can only imagine the miracles that await.  For me right now, I delight in having an indoor space to feed my soul and an outdoor space (my chakra garden) to feed my body.  I feel healthy inside and out and I feel grateful to baby me for making it all possible in the first place.

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Im worth it all

Day 17/21

My husband pointed out to me last night that I've been in a newborn state - sleeping, eating, pooping and crying.  I once would have felt offended by that or worried that I'm making problems for him but I feel excited.  I know I'm getting somewhere, doing what my soul needs me to do.  I have been able to be this baby me and parent myself with nurturing as well as be an adult too and not let go of responsibility and that's no small achievement.

When I first got the spiritual call to walk away from abuse and learn in a more advanced class, I was terrified and unsure.  My ego felt angry and scared of being that powerless and I feel very grateful that I had prepared myself so diligently for that very thing.  I already knew that I was going to feel powerless and terrified and I went into that willingly as an act of self-love.  According to leading trauma experts, childhood trauma only occurs when the child feels powerless terror.  Having healed 35 years of trauma and abuse experiences, I had reached a place within myself where I felt like I had restored or recreated all of the childhood moments I had thought I had not had.  I had managed to create a happy childhood through healing, happy enough that all the child parts of me now felt loved.

It made sense to me that if I want to fully heal, I now needed to re-experience the powerless terror of creation.   To be the baby at conception, in the womb, and newborn.  Those were the only states I perceived myself not to have ever experienced without trauma.  It was a very scary decision, one that no one around me seemed to understand or support.  It was a decision I knew I had to make, one that I felt led by God to make.  In the 11 months since then I've had the most incredible journey of discovery, particularly around my own attachment to life (or lack thereof).  I've recognised that even though I had healed so much and learned to love life, I was still fighting life and the opportunity life gives me to be supported.  I was able to give life 1000% but only receive 5%.  I still wasn't even fully breathing in my own life force! I was still rejecting life on an unconscious level.  It was time to be reborn and this time, to embrace life with all of the love that I am.

There were moments in the beginning where everything felt so chaotic and unfathomable that it took every shred of me to keep my equilibrium and not run screaming for the hills.  In those moments I prayed for and received guidance to help me use the tools I had to pull myself through it all.  Reacting to that blind chaos gave me the chance to look at my reaction and see the link I needed to in order to heal the wounds and open my heart more to embrace the experience.  Of course my ego didn't want me to embrace powerlessness so I nurtured my ego through that.  What else could a nurturing parent do when they can't control their child's experience.  There are many times in my life as a parent when I was powerless to do anything for my children but love them through what they were facing and now I was in a position to do that for my ego so I did.  I chose to surrender all of the power I felt I had and let God take care of the details.  I fell with all the grace I knew how and I endevoured to take full responsibility at the level of consciousness I was at.  As much as I trusted, I had no idea what was coming.

The first thing was to allow no abuse, ever again.  I had not realised how much I was still disrespecting myself in overt and covert ways so I drew to me people who mirrored that and I really didn't like it at all.   I reacted to them and walked away as I began to also see what they were reflecting.  I did blame them for how I felt about their behaviour and I kept myself safe from any more of it, I also looked at myself.  I was still smoking and still allowing other people to treat me like crap.  It had to stop, all of it.  I did not know then what I know today so I worked with what I did know-the abuse had to stop.  I kicked the cigs and all hell broke loose inside, so I set to work exploring why and found the tattered remnants of my poor ego.  The core strength of my ego had its own rebirth to navigate and I had not known it was there beneath all of the parts of myself I had befriended and learned to love by then.  This core part was determined to fight me off and not allow the surrender I was contemplating but the soul offered support and the journey suddenly went a whole new shade of rainbows.

I dug in and set about learning to love this hissing, spitting, writhing, terrified serpent inside and held the intention to love, love, love myself no matter what I found.  I finally allowed every feeling to arise unhindered and let the energy flow freely without trying to figure out why first.  I put conscious safety measures in place and, like any loving parent would, I allowed the child within me to be a child while I held the space and provided nurturing when and where it was needed.  I let go of everything that was not a priority for that child's development and gave myself 100% to being there for that baby me.  I knew in my heart what was coming and I wanted to give myself that gift.  7 years ago I saw the internal future I was creating and I swore that I would become the strong loving mother I needed myself to be for me.  Now I had and I knew that blazing golden soul would be bursting to life within me so I had to keep going.  I wanted to keep going. In the end I stopped worrying what it might cost and just jumped in.  It cost almost all I'd worked for but, I'd already pondered what I would not want to lose and I still have that so the things I did lose don't matter now, probably they never really did.  Things like my income, most of my friends, my job, professional respect, my 'tribe', my 'calling' my old cloak of security; but my husband, my kids and grandkids, my self-respect, my integrity, my love and my passion,  they have all grown with me.  

The inner strength I once thought I had is nothing compared to the strength I have now.  Allowing myself to traverse again the metaphorical womb-space of creation has taken me to a whole new level of being that I am not yet going to describe.  I am finally free of everything I once thought caged me or wrapped me in fear, all the shackles are off and I am finally dancing into life with joy.  There will be no more abuse because I know my own value now and refuse anything less than respect from others and from myself.   I now know that it's okay to feel joy, wonder, bliss, excitement, happiness, exhilaration, peace and gratitude too and boy do I feel all that.  

This baby me has brought me fully to life for the very first time and that to me is worth all that I once had and more.  I don't know what plans God has for my future and that's okay. Now matters too much to worry and I need to focus on not allowing myself to shut down the flow of joy.  My primary concern is to enjoy this moment to the full and to be grateful I've got the moment to enjoy.  That's where I'm at and what I'm doing and that's enough right now.  The child in me is busy being, the parent in me is busy protecting and nurturing and the adult in me is busy too.  I'm giving, receiving, praying, learning, taking responsibility, letting go, expanding, contracting, growing, loving and blazing.  Who I am right now is enough and I can't think of any me I'd rather be.  That's my service to me and to this world and I'm happy to serve.

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At+Onement 

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Angels Among Us

I believe there are angels among us.  

There are many different theories about Angels and I think it's so important for each theory to be respected.  I don't think anyone needs to adopt another's theory around anything but respecting a persons right to hold a belief is where I sit myself.  Of course some beliefs are toxic and even dangerous so I'd hardly want to support those beliefs but I can still respect others people rights to have their own beliefs. In believing Angels are among us, I don't expect anyone else to believe it too, it simply brings me comfort to believe it myself and I share the belief from a place of love.  

For me, Angels come in many forms and particularly as people and animals.  Having spent decades in darkness and misery, I can now look back from this place of freedom and positivity that  I'm in and see so many Angels have appeared along the way.  One was a gentle, loving and compassionate school teacher in first class and as a six year old, I actually thought she really was an angel then.  One was the man who found me in a crashed car when I was 15 and almost died, he reassured me until help arrived.  One was a lovely woman across the world who created an online safe place for survivors of extreme trauma to connect and share.  One was a man who appeared in my life when I thought I wanted to die and took me on an adventure to have fun.  Two were in the form of heroin addicts who helped me survive when I forgot how.  One was my sister when my life as I knew it ended.  One was my father when I almost went bankrupt and had to live in my car for three months.  One was my brother and his wife who took me picnicking so I wouldn't kill myself.  My children have been Angels in my life since they were born.  My stepchildren and their parents are Angels in my life who taught me a lot about love.  The people whom I have friended online are Angels to me with so much teaching and inspiration every day.  My real life friends are Angels to me that light up the darkest moments.  My husband has always been an angel to me as were the people I worked with and all of the other people I have ever met online, face-to-face, or in any other form.  At least a dozen animals have been Angels in my life who brought me tender love and companionship in the loneliest and bleakest times.  My grandparents were guardian Angels to me always.

I know there are theories that Angels cannot be human and I respect that.  For me, Angels are divine messengers and can work through anyone, anything, anytime.  What I love is thanking human Angels and acknowledging that I see them.  Have you ever told someone how much you appreciate the role they have played in your life?  Have you even thought about it? I've done it now with health professionals, coworkers, friends, shop attendants, customer service operators, centrelink, Telstra, anyone really, who helps my day in any small way face-to-face, online and over the phone.  

After having so many truly horrific experiences in this life, I've become very aware of Angels and the difference they make.  I remember once getting harassed by centrelink every time I went there for 18 months and then one day I got someone nice.  I was so grateful that I wrote to the government to thank them and encourage them to hire more people like that and I had made sure to get her name too so she would be acknowledged.  I decided that day that from then on I would always speak up when people made a positive impact on me.  That decision has helped me drive negativity out and create a place for very positive energy.  Where I once was so pessimistic that I could  not imagine how anyone could be positive, now I can flip anything at all and find a positive in it, even the trauma and abuse I experienced for the first 35 years of my life.  I've finally found Angels in that too.

Kind words when I'm feeling low; phone calls out of the blue; text messages of encouragement; friendly waves in the street; loving hugs; offers of help; gifts of food, clothes or money; feedback; requests for assistance; smiles; laughter; safety; information; wisdom; guidance; music; prayer; healing; inspiration; support; love.

Yes I believe that Angels are among us and that makes it real for me so I feel more joy too.  I hope that whatever brings you love and light is acknowledged in your world too and that like me, you speak up and let others know the difference they have made or the light that they have brought.  It makes a difference to them to know it and often the nicest people have no idea how nice they appear to others because they fight their own battles too.

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Day 15/21

Day 15/21

Baby June went with me into town yesterday for a quiet cup of tea with my sister and to visit a dear friend.  Before we left the house I went through the usual "what will people think of me carrying a doll around?" but I've done that one before.  My theory goes like this.... Any time in my life I've seen a grownup carrying a doll I've always thought it was for a child.  I've never once thought that it might be their doll so why would anyone think my doll was for me and - what other people think of me is none of my business anyway.  I cut from the negativity and strapped my baby dolls car capsule in as we set off into town with pride, chanting joyful mantras all the way.

I've done this baby doll exercise 5 times before and it really works.  Each time has yielded the most amazing healing in my life and I recall the first time about 8 years ago, I felt anxious about what people might think and my inner child was upset that I was ashamed of her.  As I'm not, I put that to rest immediately.  I drew on love and held my head high as I sat down to a baby's lunch one day with my work colleagues (who all knew about and taught the baby doll exercise to others anyway, like I did).  No one judged me but me, they just knew and accepted I was healing.  Some even congratulated me.  I learned that day that love is stronger than fear and I don't need approval from others to follow my heart and find the healing I need.

So yesterday when I got the urge to take my baby doll to tea in town, I did.  I carried her in her capsule through the mall and the street.  No one looked, and at one point I became aware that my energy had shifted to shame and that I was crouching over her so I straightened my back and drew my head higher.  Then with pride I sent her love and continued on to the store.  My sister thought nothing of it and neither did I after that.  It was an important part of my healing because I needed to prove to myself that I will listen to my gut/intuition/heart/self no matter what my head/fear/ego/conditioning tries to chime in with.  I am strengthening the bond I have with myself and I intend to make that bond unbreakable and unshakable and I know that I will.

The inner child for me is not only my feelings, it is my Innocent Self, the child part of me that needs parenting, nurturing, acceptance, love, guidance, safety, information, structure, fun, security, nourishment and attention, from me.   That part of me needs acknowledgment from me that it's real and not some figment of my imagination.  I'm a big believer in every person having individual needs for what heals and helps.  I don't believe in one-size-fits-all.  We're all unique for a divine purpose and I can't be me your way, I don't expect you to be you my way either.  For me to heal, I need to make my inner child a real child that I can love and parent in my own way, led by my own heart.  This baby doll helps with that.  I am so grateful for the courage of people I have met over time who took their baby doll outside to the shops or the cinema, the park or the beach.  Granted, some hid theirs in a bag or under a blanket but they still met their need to not totally hide in shame and we've all had healing from it.  

I don't feel a need to take my baby doll with me everywhere I go.  There is a need though in some moments to complete rituals of acceptance with myself.  These moments are building trust and creating the bond I need to have with myself.  After working so hard and so long on this, I'm not likely to stop and give up on my beautiful child self just because anxiety tries to persuade me.  I've dealt with fears, phobias and terrors so anxiety doesn't stand a chance with me now.  Making my baby self real pulls forth the same mother instinct in me that having my children did and a strength that overcomes all doubt.  This exercise is perfect for me and I almost can't believe there's only a few days left.  The time has flown by and I'm still so stunned at how perfectly formed and delicate the features of this doll are.  The feelings of love that fill me whoever I take in the details of that face, looking into my own face on a baby doll is indescribable.  Holding me in my own arms while I watch a movie or relax, walk around the garden or sit outside, it's beyond explanation.  I can only describe it as peace.  When I hold this baby doll me my soul feels at peace, as if I've waited all my life to mother my Self.  As if my Self has waited all my life to be mothered by me, and I'm sure I have.

There really is no part of my Self that I am not prepared to love anymore.  I've met the darkness in me in many different forms, wearing different faces and bearing different names.  My ego was so multi-faceted, it had already deconstructed itself before I became aware I had an ego.  I've got work to do, just like most people and I'm happy to do it.  There is nothing I will not do for this child-me now, no mountain too high, no cross too hard to bear.  Love is love and so am I.  The people who judged me as a narcissist are gone, the abusers are gone, these are reflections I no longer need because I've broken through those particular ego barriers and I'll continue breaking through any that may arise.  There is far too much love, light, peace, bliss, gratitude and fun to be had to let go of my Self now.  I am on the most amazing ride home to me and I'm not getting of this ride for all the world.  

The horrors of yester-moment are all but gone, faded into the obscurity of old, completed experiences that carry no bearing on today.  I've learned all I needed to from them now so they need no further nurturing from me.  Like children themselves, those memories clamoured for my attention for decades but they simply needed and wanted love.  There was a reason and a purpose to every moment, I just wasn't ready to see that and now I am.  I am more me now than I've ever been and I feel a glow I've never felt.  When I close my eyes, I'm lit up inside, infused with a shining golden sun of love.  The energy of that internal sun is effervescent and gentle and I pause in awe every time with tears of wonder streaming down my face.  My thoughts go calm and my heart swells gently as I breathe it in and let it expand me.  This is the wonder of life for me, the gift of existence, the presence of God within.  This is why it's all been worth it.  Why I am worth it.  This is why hugging a baby doll with my baby face is my joy today, because I'm worth all this peace.

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At+Onement 

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Soul reflections

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly my prayers get answered now that I believe they will be answered.  Just two days ago I prayed that I would like to hear from some of my friends again.  Although isolation does not support healing the neural pathways in the brain, solitude does in healthy doses.  I have been in solitude for some time, actively growing and healing, expanding into more love than I was previously able to comprehend.  I have ensured that I did not isolate through this period by volunteering and meeting new people, making new friends and attending workshops that interest me.  I've missed my friends and am hopeful that the time is right to begin reconnecting so I offered a prayer about it.  Imagine my delight when I got a text message yesterday from one friend I had not heard from at all in two years! Then I got another message from another friend to please ring them!  We had a fabulous chat and a great laugh and I found myself wondering if I've ever had such a relaxed conversation on the phone in my life.

All of my prayers get answered that fast now and I still feel amazed by it sometimes.  I remember when I had very hostile and reactive views about anything to do with faith, beliefs, God, religion and spirituality in general.  I was so lost and shut down that my heart and mind just wouldn't open to any of that.  Now that I've learned who I am at my core, I feel very safe with all of it.  I used to judge, fear or hate all religion and most people but now, even though I don't choose a particular religion and have tailored a multi-faith belief system for myself based on my own souls needs, I rejoice that religion exists and does help so many people.  Regardless of the harm that history has shown to have been caused, religion has and still does, help billions of people every day.

In exploring soul reflections and mirrors over the past few years, I have looked at how my soul is reflected back at me from my external world.  The people around me reflect back to me everything I am and the things I react to in anxiety, fear or anger are the things I have disowned in myself.  The things I react positively to are the things in myself I own and accept.  This works with people I don't know too, like Donald Trump and, it works with groups and organizations, religion, media, nature and all things really.

When I hated and feared religion, all I heard, saw and experienced about religion reflected back that fear and hatred.  Now that I have let go of my judgments, embraced peace, and learned to love my spiritual self unconditionally, I am experiencing and understanding why so many people find so much bliss and devotion in their chosen faith.  Even on a global scale, I see now that religion has reflected where society itself is at throughout history.  In the dark ages for example, hearts were dark and religion was too.  I recall living through my own 'dark age' and only seeing darkness around me.  None of the people around me changed when I entered my 'dark age', what I saw changed, my perception of my reality changed, nothing else.  When I emerged from my dark age, my perception began to change too.  That's how this works.

I rarely listen to or watch media anymore just because I don't feel I need to and I have very limited access to it anyway.  The past few months I've noticed a lot of commentary on Donald Trump and it got me thinking of how soul reflections applies, if at all.  I realised that Donald Trump is a gift too.  Although his stance on everything is something I do not support or even give space in my mind to, I see the same stance in a lot of people.  Stepping back from any reactions, I can look objectively at it and see him as a huge mirror reflecting back many things to a massive number of people.  His reflecting is having a very polarizing affect and waking a lot of people up.  While I could feel angry, sad, afraid, resentful, attacking or attacked about Donald Trump, I feel grateful that anything has come along to help so many people wake up more to what they do want their world to be. Mr Trump showed people the type of politics they don't want, the kind of world they don't want, and the darkness in themselves they don't want to own or see.  He gave them a reflective surface to project that darkness onto.  At a soul level, he is providing a service to humanity.  Regardless of his methods, I see the gift that Mr Trump has brought to me because if I react to him, I can ask myself how I am like that too and then heal it in myself.  I don't need him to be anything for me to be and feel okay.  I see religion this way too now, a giant reflective surface for people to see their own light and darkness in so that there is a way to wake up and find their way from the head to the heart again.

I didn't just wake up one day thinking like this, it took years of reflection, practice and determination.  I am love and love is not about judging, hating, expecting, applying conditional acceptance or limiting.  Love for me is about light, freedom, unconditional positive regard and non-judgment.  I don't personally know Donald Trump and I don't need to.  All I need from him or anyone else is to see my own reactions to them so I can see my own darkness and love that into the light.  Each time I do, I find more love for them too, not excuses for their behaviour, just love without modifiers.  I also don't need to join every religion to allow it to reflect the light or darkness for me, my own reactions will reveal all and I can let go of blaming the perceived protagonist and love my ego instead so it can stop projecting itself onto my world.  I guess if I want to hate now, I'll need to do it in another lifetime because this one is for loving.  It feels so good to be me these days and to be able to be grateful for things like Donald Trump and religion.

Another prayer answered.  I often pray that my mind, ears, eyes and heart be open to love, that they never be closed again to love.  Wish granted.

At+Onement 

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Oh yeah

All my life I squished myself down, playing small so as not to be noticed.  I learned very early that getting noticed could be dangerous and so I mastered the art of shrinking.  I became so good at shrinking that I eventually lost the ability to notice myself and almost succeeded in ceasing to exist at all (suicide attempts).  I was in so much pain from shrinking so small but I didn't know that I was causing the pain, I thought life was what was hurting me so I blamed life.  I didn't know any differently then and I tried so hard but it could not have been any different and I have so much compassion and gratitude for the me of my past now.  I know how hard I tried in every minute and I know how terrified I was of being noticed and of not being noticed.  I no longer carry shame around that.

This week I have allowed myself the honour of dropping all defense and just being me.  It isn't sudden, I've worked my butt off for years now, learning who 'me' is and making my peace with that which is I must add, a work-in-progress.  In a small class with a group of amazing and beautiful people this week, I have finally given myself permission to just be.  I have still felt afraid but I trust so much more now.  I've really got to the point where I trust myself and life to support me.  I feel so safe in this group that yesterday I was able to let go of another weight that I had shackled to myself years ago and admit that I did not know something.  For years I carried the terror that if I did not know, someone could die and I have released so much fear around that belief over the past 12 years.  Yesterday, being able to admit I did not know to people I have only known for a few days felt so beautiful and so liberating.  I felt very proud of myself and oh so very grateful to those people for being so compassionate and understanding.  They embraced me and taught me what I wanted to know and my heart opened so fully that I found myself in heaven all over again.  I was filled with the most incredible amount of love and gratitude that I almost burst with it.

The blessings just keep pouring in for me right now.  I had thought that I was blessed before I began my spiritual maternity leave and then for ten months, although I've cried through a lot of grief and anger, the blessings increased.  Now that I'm through and feeling the glow, massive blessings are raining down every day with the nectar of God itself rising within my being.  The sweetness of life is staggeringly blissful and opulently infused into my heart and mind.

Yesterday I got to feel at one with all again.  I still remember the first time that happened and each time is indescribable.  I don't pine for it when it leaves me as I know it is me and I am happy to let it go again when it comes, as I carry it always inside.  

All those years I spent shrinking were training.  All those things I went through that taught me to shrink were training. All of that has been teaching me so many things, not least of which is humility.  I had so much to learn and I am so grateful for that learning.  I never thought I would be grateful for the experiences of my life because I spent so long grieving what I had perceived myself to have lost and so long resenting the teachers that I was blinded to my own truth.  Now I have learned to see it all through my heart and am nurturing my ego so it's learning too.  

I am growing up again on an entirely new level, just as I knew I could and now I have the best parent, adult and child I can have - my divine self.  Fear is fast dissolving in me as wave after wave of me arises for completion.  No stone is being left unturned and as I welcome each particle, blessing it with love, I imagine another me healing across time and space.  Each moment is sumptuous and real and I find so much peace inside.  I'm not 'blissed out', fear still shoots its hand up like an excited child who has the answer but now I can internally acknowledge and support the fear.  

Quietude is replacing the gaping noise I once carried in my mind and that feels almost miraculous too. I thought I had lost some superpower when my 'baby-brain' kicked in but the superpower is returning since my baby doll arrived.  I still have moments here and there where I can't tell my left from my right but I chuckle at it now with affection because I no longer fear it or myself.  I really know who I am after 47 years.  I have found a place to land, deep within myself and its soft, loving, nurturing and supportive.  There's no pain in here, no desire for anything other than this moment, this existence.  There's no want, need or grief, there is only all, now, no separation.  Then there is not.  Ebbing and flowing as life to the rhythm of my own heartbeat.  What greater gift than this present moment as me?

https://www.facebook.com/JhundiP/posts/1025612724181428:0

At+Onement 

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Day 11/21

Day 11/21

Last night as I held my baby doll in my arms I found my arm began aching with the weight of her tiny head. It felt so heavy and solid and my arm beneath felt bruised.  In wondering why, I am drawn to the almost constant ache in my own jaw that I have these days.  I have known for a long time that I have a huge amount of energy and when I thought I knew what my purpose was, I found outlets for that energy.  I learned to listen to and accommodate my body's needs in the ways it requested of me, instead of trying to make it do what I thought it should, based on other peoples opinions.  During the past 10 months, so much has changed that it has been almost a full time job to keep up with those changes.  It's been at times terrifying, amazing, frustrating and miraculous and I have reached a totally different level of awareness.  

I feel very fortunate to have found help and support in traversing this new bridge in life and as always, I'm loving learning new tools.  I long ago reached an acceptance around change that still holds me in good stead - that each change, large or small, has developmental stages for me to go through.  The developmental stages of my childhood are still active and relevant with each change and, although not always identically powerful, I can still draw on the wisdom of each stage. Take now for example: now is a bit extreme and I have not had to go through this intense a change in 12 years which I'm okay with because I was prepared.  Because of the intensity and totality of this change - my whole world flipped on its head and my life began again, I'm in an infant stage and am attaching symbiotically to myself and to life this time.  Because I've done so much healing of past wounds, and have developed   healthy Parent and Adult ego states now, I don't need to be only 'Child' as I was at my birth.  

When I went through this 12 years ago, I was suicidal and psychotic because I had no concept of what was happening to me and so I fell.  I believe now that it needed to happen exactly as it did so that I could not only get to now but also to know what to expect now too.  What I went through in the past has prepared me for now and being able to nurture myself through this without panicking as much or medicating myself away from life.

I learn new tools every week to help me grow and release the energy I have been trying to carry for so long.  In the past I had found a way to physically release the energy that really helped.  As I did that work, my energy became lighter and expanded to an amazing level which most people around me became afraid of so there began a new ending.  The door that has opened since has been a much heavier door to open for a while but now it's done.  The hinges are oiled, the jamb is squared, the only obstruction around it is anxiety that grows smaller each minute.  As I step through the doorway of my future into the golden sun of self-love, I feel a oneness with all - an 'at-onement' that I knew and trusted would be here for me when I arrived.

My baby dolls head feels lighter today and with the wind howling through the trees today, I walk out into the freezing bathroom outside.  Freezing or not, I feel grateful that I have hot water, a roof over my shower, a door to keep the wind out a bit and warm clothes to rug up in when I'm finished.  I feel grateful I can go off to school with an open mind and an open heart and embrace more of who I have always known myself to be, surrounded by Love, Wisdom and Understanding.

7 years ago when I saw a vision of the core of my being glowing in golden radiance, I vowed that I would do whatever it took to become a safe person to parent that baby self.  Now I am and I can think of no greater honour.  I can only imagine what the next now will bring as I delight in the magic of this now.

At+Onement 

#followforfollow #love #light #innerchild #soul #angels #mindfulness #gratitude #healing #healingtrauma #healingdepression #selflove #inspiration #quote #selfworth #igdaily #life #fun #inspiringquotes #spirit #ascension #awakening #baby #raiseyourvibration #spiritualhealing #neuroscienceinaction #photooftheday

Day 10/21

Day 10/21 - wow!  I can't believe I'm already half way through this #babydollexercise.  The time is flying by and I already know I will not just stop and abandon her/myself at the end of the 21 days.  Last night as I lay with her in my arms, looking at the tiny features of my face as a baby right there before me, I wept again.  So much #gratitude for the tiny being I once was who had so much #strength, #courage, determination, #love, #light, endurance, #faith and trust, so much innocence, so much #life.  I've gone through so many feelings over the past 12 years in accepting and learning to love every part of myself but this feeling of immense gratitude to the baby me is something else entirely.  What an amazing life I've had and even though for so much of it, I could only perceive it in darkness, my heart still held very tightly to love to lead me back to the light.  I believe that baby me brought the truth of who I am into this life and guarded that secret for me until I was ready to not only receive it but to step forward and claim it too, to accept the honour of receiving it from her.

I was reflecting this morning upon waking, on how grateful I am to not have had a #clusterheadache for 3 years now.  This led me to looking for a moment at what positive or blessing I might have gained from those headaches.  I saw all the times I got out of bed in total darkness because I had awoken in excruciating pain, wanting to scream and cry out for help.  I saw how instead, I had silently slipped from the room, walked through the house, meditated, taken medication, done breathing or yogic exercises, huddled, cried alone silently, and all in total darkness because I never turned a light on.  I didn't want to disturb my sleeping husband or children.  I didn't want my pain to impact on their sleep too.  I could read a lot into that but what came to me this morning was that even in my worst moments, I was still trying to love and those headaches, which made me so keenly aware of myself to the point of self-absorption, also had the effect of making me keenly aware of others.  It could have been so easy to forget anyone else exists or suffered from my pain but not for me.  My heart has never let me do that, and for that I am grateful.

Now that I'm focused on this #gratitude, my mind is generously and excitedly throwing up all kinds of delightful memories of times when I put love for others before my own pain.  A lot of those times I thought I was martyring myself because that was an old tape playing from #childhood but I wasn't, I truly care and love more than my mind can comprehend sometimes and that's wonderful.  I've copped so much flak for that and I recognise those people were reflecting my own judgment of myself back to me.  I remember in my journey to #forgiveness of my mother that no matter how far I sank into anger, hatred, judgment and stunned disbelief at the memories of old pain, I still clung tightly to the hope that one day I could love my mother tenderly too.  I remember people reacting very angrily to that hope when I shared it out loud and I'm grateful.  Those reactions showed me the mirror I needed to see so that I could explore my own judgments about my hope.  It was me who thought I was stupid and crazy for even having that aspiration but the reactions of those people also strengthened my resolve to be the person who could reach that goal, who could love that much.  Now that I have reached it, now that I love my mother and am grateful that she is my mother, I can't describe how good I feel about myself.  

That little baby that came into this world as  me is one hell of a phenomenally loving being and I am so looking forward to any other pain, darkness or memories that surface so I can finally see the light in them too.

https://www.facebook.com/JhundiP/posts/1023810707694963:0

At+Onement 

#followforfollow  #healing #healingtrauma #healingdepression #selflove #raiseyourvibration #spiritualhealing #neuroscienceinaction#photooftheday

Blessed

I feel so #blessed!  Last week I was feeling flat and when reflecting on why, I realised that I had stopped doing my daily #spiritual practices at home so I made a #commitment to myself to start doing them again.  Within one hour, I saw an amazing #opportunity just a few doors down the road and called my husband to chase it up while I was at school and that night we went to check it out.  I immediately knew in my #heart that I had been blessed with #Divine help to love myself more and yesterday we took delivery of 2 #free caravans!!!! I now have an undercover space besides my bedroom.  Not only can I set up my #prayer space in there, I have a whole 20 foot caravan to play in and sit in when it's raining.  This space will mean that if I get visitors, we can have our cuppas out of the cold.  I have a #playroom again for my #innerchild, with cupboards and chairs and beds and a table.  I even have a sink to wash my hands in and if I can find a Singer treadle sewing machine, I can start sewing because they don't need electricity to run.  I can #repurpose the clothes that have holes in them instead of wearing them all worn and ragged.

The 2nd caravan is 14 feet long and my husband gets that one so he can have a #mancave.  Now we can get all of our tools out of our bathroom and he gets a workshop out of the cold and rain where he can play and tinker too.  We still have very little power but symbolically we understand the necessity of that right now and it won't be permanent.  Right now we're just both excited that we've got the chance to expand and it was totally free.  

To me, this whole 10 months of trusting #God to support me has been one of the hardest, scariest and most amazingly beneficial and incredible things I've ever done.  I've learned so much, gained so much and let go of so much that didn't matter in that time.  I've cried, screamed, cheered, laughed, cried some more and exploded into #bliss over and over again.  I know this work I'm doing on myself is vital and necessary and I know that I'm worth it.  I had never trusted #life, or anything else to support me before (not even my amazing husband) and now I can see clearly how life has always supported me.  

When I followed Gods instruction to leave the job I loved more than myself; live with no income or government benefits; let my friends fall away and be geographically and psychologically isolated; have no fridge or lighting and almost no #power or water, I was #traumatized by how it happened but I trusted God.  What I didn't realise then was that I knew I could #trust me too.  I've lived this way so many times in my life and it does not mean I have less if I change my #perspective, which I'm really good at by the way.  The bank would not lend us enough to build anything bigger than one room because we had to build our #home to be fully #transportable and it's not our own land.  We decided to do what we needed to do to be comfortable until the loan was paid and then reborrow and extend.  We had no idea that within a few months that and each other would be all that we had!!  Today that #extension for our #tinyhouse, our outdoor home, has just come to us without the need for money!  Neither of us expected that so who knows what else we can manifest as we learn and grow.

The #chakragarden is filling fast with delicious #alledibleplants and today it's raining so we have a bit more in the water tank.  I'm off to school to learn about #SpiritualMastery and join in the joy of #Satsang with friends and, my #rebornbaby girl is snug and warm inside in her blanket.  The kangaroos are eating breakfast beside me and all I can see and hear is #nature at her finest.  No matter how many people get upset with me, no matter what it means, no matter what I've already given up in life, I will continue to #love and trust myself and my God because I really enjoy all the #miracles that brings.

At+Onement 

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Emerging

Day 8/21 of the baby doll exercise has me reflecting on what lenses I use to see myself through.  During this past week I recognised that I was focusing on all of the things I was not doing and, while I was not beating up on myself, I did see very clearly that I was not being loving either.  I began to shift my focus so that I am now trying to pay attention to, and celebrate the things that I am doing and let go of the rest.  I have historically had huge expectations of myself and there really is no need.  I accepted on a conscious level years ago that if I was meant to be perfect, I would have been perfect from the start aaaaand, that perhaps I already am perfect exactly as I am and it is only my perception of that which needs to change.  I still believe that and now I'm supporting my unconscious and subconscious in believing that too.  

The way that I have seen myself is an illusion borne of fear.  Fear to me is the greatest illusion and I often find myself caught up in the reactivity of it, just like I imagine everybody does.  I feel all small and powerless and my mind adopts some pseudo-powerful way for me to react, like anger, creating more fear because my Loving self stayed trapped under that.  Thankfully these days that reactivity only lasts for moments and not days, weeks or months anymore, or for years like it used to.  Thankfully loving myself is having the effect on me that I hoped it would - I can love everything and everyone else more too.  Thankfully, I'm close enough to my own heart now to feel the difference between Love's honest courage and Fear's helpful but maladaptive illusion.

I'm so greatful for fear because it really has kept me safe throughout my life.  When I didn't understand this, I used fear to keep myself a prisoner and even that taught me a phenomenal amount of lessons about Love so I have no bitterness towards fear or myself about that anymore.  Before this week, I was not giving that particular truth within myself time or space to be although I do honour that I have done that before and needed to stop for a time to explore other truths.  

Week 1 of the baby doll exercise is like the turning of a corner for me.  For 40 weeks, I entrusted the care of my symbolically unborn self to my own care and I gifted myself all the love, devotion, time, space and attention that I gave to my own unborn children years ago.  Once again my children have taught me to Love more of myself and the world.  During this symbolic gestational period I have come to a place within myself of great joy in existence - of finally really wanting to l.i.v.e.!!   Even though I found my will to live long ago, there was still some part of me unconsciously that rejected living life to the fullest.  That was fear - fear of being hurt, being broken, being maimed, being rejected, being marginalized, being beaten, being oppressed, being ridiculed, being unseen or unheard, being too much, being not enough, being silenced, being too big or too small - fear of BEING at all.  I have always know I was not afraid of dying but I was afraid of living, so afraid that I rejected life and the joys I now know life brings.

This past week has helped me to see that the re-birth of my baby self is the time for emerging from the cocoon.  This more integrated me has the love and capacity to be present and grateful, to feel whatever arises and to love anyway, to embrace the might of the vulnerability in me, to free the dragon and watch her soar.  This me can be whomever I want me to be and my greatest wish for me now is that I will remember in every moment, waking or not, to just be fully me.  To not ever shrink so that someone else feels less or more around me.  I'm not responsible for other peoples happiness and I have a wonderful life to live.  

So for today (one day at a time), I can remember to take tiny baby steps.  It's okay to learn to crawl, walk, and run before I enter the marathons.  Today I can relax, take myself off to school and learn some more about me and breathe in the joy that each moment contains while I concentrate on what I AM doing and let go of all the things I think Im NOT doing.  Today I choose to have a wonderful, joyful, loving, giving, heartfelt amazing day.

At+Onement 

#followforfollow #love #light #innerchild #soul #angels #mindfulness #gratitude #healing #healingtrauma #healingdepression #selflove #inspiration #quote #selfworth #igdaily #life #fun #inspiringquotes #spirit #ascension #awakening #baby #raiseyourvibration #spiritualhealing #neuroscienceinaction#photooftheday

Ego

The Australian 70's Pop-Rock group sang that "Ego Is Not A Dirty Word" ( https://www.flashlyrics.com/lyrics/skyhooks/ego-is-not-a-dirty-word-08 ) and inspired a whole generation to cast off the shackles of shame fettering the uniqueness and individuality of so many.  For hundreds of years, popular culture had branded ego as sinful and dark, something horrid to kill off within ourselves at all costs.  I figure now that humanity needed those centuries to learn and grow, to become aware of the dangers of an unbridled and unaccompanied ego.  Ego is like a child and has stages of development, needing guidance, information, safety and understanding to grow up and excel.  Like everything though, there is a continuum, different extremes of everything.  I don't believe we are all meant to stop being our unique selves to create a beautiful world.  I believe it is that very uniqueness that creates the beauty we all chase in our lives.  Ego is part of who we all are and we can love Ego too, without becoming permanently narcissistic stage-hogging grandstanders or, as I tied to: martyrs who create hell on earth in an attempt to never exist at all.  In fact, in my opinion it is only through loving every part of who I am that I truly can avoid these types of behaviours.

I've spent most of my life hating my ego.  I own completely that fear is what drove my hate.  I had no concept of how to maintain, support or foster my ego.  I had what psychology would call an 'inferior ego' which means I thought everybody else was better than me, more important and beautiful than me.  I hated myself and silently congratulated myself internally for my superiority at being inferior, unaware that the whole world could see that in my words and actions.  My energy exuded it, it came out through the pores of my skin, the sound of my voice, my body language and my writing but I remained steadfastly unaware - until I met my inner child.  That was the beginning of a beautiful albeit painful end to the decades of abandonment, neglect and abuse I had unknowingly subjected my ego to.

When I connected with the first part of my ego that I could, I found a 9 year old girl who cried ALL the time.  Working with a wonderfully patient counsellor, I visualized that girl day after day for months, trying to find some way to comfort her.  It took all that time for me to even accept that crying 9 year old could be me.  I began to have some small mote of compassion for myself, something that I had seriously lacked until then in my suicidal drive to cease existing altogether.  Once I found compassion for my distraught 9 year old self, I was treated to the electric gorgeousness of my exuberant and happy-to-meet-me 5 year old self.  In that moment, I made a promise to never stop healing and growing and in the 10 years since, I have kept my vow.

Within a few months of connecting with my 5 year old self, I had met about 8 different versions of my child-ego and learned through transactional analysis why this was possible. Apparently when we are born, we begin to form our personality based on what we perceive and experience and, this creates our ego 'states', energies that we engage when relating to ourselves, others and everything in relation to ourselves.  Eric Berne created transactional analysis and surmised that we each have hundreds if not thousands of these energy or ego states.  Once I understood this, I began to ease up on myself a bit and just forget the word ego for a while as I got to know these different aspects of my own personality for the very first time.  It really helped me identify different energies within myself and get to know myself, something I had despaired of ever achieving before that.

Over the next few years, I created a system of internal communication which led me on an incredible journey of self-discovery.  While all this was happening, I also volunteered to walk alongside others as they walked the same part of the path and I studied so that I could lead groups as an individual collective.  Group work was amazingly helpful to learn skills to use on my own healing.  I eventually had connected with over 40 different aspects of my psyche or ego and I was able to adopt group work skills and ideas to use to my internal benefit too.  I found very small, young parts of myself that were hurting, vulnerable, innocent and playful and that I was never alone now that I had found them.  One day I asked them for advice on a problem because I had learned the wisdom the child parts of me hold but I suddenly saw children and I new I had to let the child parts of me be children.  I was 39 years old and I was asking a bunch of kids under 7 for advice!  I determined I would work it out on my own and let them just be kids but then I panicked - I had no idea what to do!  My own wisdom kicked in then as I realised that I must have more grownup adult facets to my psyche if I was 39 years old.  Every moment I've experienced still lies inside me somewhere and something told me to trust that I truly do have all I need.  I tentatively asked out loud "are there any adult parts of myself who can help me please?"  I felt silly but figured why not.  Imagine my amazement when I got an affirmative response!

So began a new and incredible journey of self-love.  I had a very fractured ego and had dissociated myself from it.  In getting to know all of those facets of the diamond that I am, I have learned to love myself unconditionally and begin to acknowledge,, associate, accept and honour my ego too.  There were times when I found it almost impossible to consider loving some of those facets of myself.  There were shadows inside me that I was terrified of, repulsed by and even malicious towards, I learned to love them too.  I learned to have the same love and compassion for every part of me that I do for the rest of humanity.  Ego is not a dirty word, it's like Skyhooks said.   I know now that if I want my Soul to be safe in this world, it is my Ego that will help me achieve that and only if I love my ego will I avoid the pitfalls of disempowering myself and others while I travel onwards.  Last year as I accepted that I have now got to the point where I feel safe and strong enough to be my truest, real self, just as I came into this world to be, all of those facets integrated and suddenly I lost contact.  They are all me and always will be, it's just different to me now.  I'm being all that instead of knowing all that.  It took a few months to recover from this 're-birth' and I still have moments where I feel like a tiny newborn but with me parenting myself in a fully nurturing way, I'm growing up again fast and, life is the most amazing gift I can imagine receiving.

I forgive myself for hating my ego and I feel very grateful for all that I have learned and experienced along the way.

At+Onement 

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