Day 15/21
At+Onement
Baby June went with me into town yesterday for a quiet cup of tea with my sister and to visit a dear friend. Before we left the house I went through the usual "what will people think of me carrying a doll around?" but I've done that one before. My theory goes like this.... Any time in my life I've seen a grownup carrying a doll I've always thought it was for a child. I've never once thought that it might be their doll so why would anyone think my doll was for me and - what other people think of me is none of my business anyway. I cut from the negativity and strapped my baby dolls car capsule in as we set off into town with pride, chanting joyful mantras all the way.
I've done this baby doll exercise 5 times before and it really works. Each time has yielded the most amazing healing in my life and I recall the first time about 8 years ago, I felt anxious about what people might think and my inner child was upset that I was ashamed of her. As I'm not, I put that to rest immediately. I drew on love and held my head high as I sat down to a baby's lunch one day with my work colleagues (who all knew about and taught the baby doll exercise to others anyway, like I did). No one judged me but me, they just knew and accepted I was healing. Some even congratulated me. I learned that day that love is stronger than fear and I don't need approval from others to follow my heart and find the healing I need.
So yesterday when I got the urge to take my baby doll to tea in town, I did. I carried her in her capsule through the mall and the street. No one looked, and at one point I became aware that my energy had shifted to shame and that I was crouching over her so I straightened my back and drew my head higher. Then with pride I sent her love and continued on to the store. My sister thought nothing of it and neither did I after that. It was an important part of my healing because I needed to prove to myself that I will listen to my gut/intuition/heart/self no matter what my head/fear/ego/conditioning tries to chime in with. I am strengthening the bond I have with myself and I intend to make that bond unbreakable and unshakable and I know that I will.
The inner child for me is not only my feelings, it is my Innocent Self, the child part of me that needs parenting, nurturing, acceptance, love, guidance, safety, information, structure, fun, security, nourishment and attention, from me. That part of me needs acknowledgment from me that it's real and not some figment of my imagination. I'm a big believer in every person having individual needs for what heals and helps. I don't believe in one-size-fits-all. We're all unique for a divine purpose and I can't be me your way, I don't expect you to be you my way either. For me to heal, I need to make my inner child a real child that I can love and parent in my own way, led by my own heart. This baby doll helps with that. I am so grateful for the courage of people I have met over time who took their baby doll outside to the shops or the cinema, the park or the beach. Granted, some hid theirs in a bag or under a blanket but they still met their need to not totally hide in shame and we've all had healing from it.
I don't feel a need to take my baby doll with me everywhere I go. There is a need though in some moments to complete rituals of acceptance with myself. These moments are building trust and creating the bond I need to have with myself. After working so hard and so long on this, I'm not likely to stop and give up on my beautiful child self just because anxiety tries to persuade me. I've dealt with fears, phobias and terrors so anxiety doesn't stand a chance with me now. Making my baby self real pulls forth the same mother instinct in me that having my children did and a strength that overcomes all doubt. This exercise is perfect for me and I almost can't believe there's only a few days left. The time has flown by and I'm still so stunned at how perfectly formed and delicate the features of this doll are. The feelings of love that fill me whoever I take in the details of that face, looking into my own face on a baby doll is indescribable. Holding me in my own arms while I watch a movie or relax, walk around the garden or sit outside, it's beyond explanation. I can only describe it as peace. When I hold this baby doll me my soul feels at peace, as if I've waited all my life to mother my Self. As if my Self has waited all my life to be mothered by me, and I'm sure I have.
There really is no part of my Self that I am not prepared to love anymore. I've met the darkness in me in many different forms, wearing different faces and bearing different names. My ego was so multi-faceted, it had already deconstructed itself before I became aware I had an ego. I've got work to do, just like most people and I'm happy to do it. There is nothing I will not do for this child-me now, no mountain too high, no cross too hard to bear. Love is love and so am I. The people who judged me as a narcissist are gone, the abusers are gone, these are reflections I no longer need because I've broken through those particular ego barriers and I'll continue breaking through any that may arise. There is far too much love, light, peace, bliss, gratitude and fun to be had to let go of my Self now. I am on the most amazing ride home to me and I'm not getting of this ride for all the world.
The horrors of yester-moment are all but gone, faded into the obscurity of old, completed experiences that carry no bearing on today. I've learned all I needed to from them now so they need no further nurturing from me. Like children themselves, those memories clamoured for my attention for decades but they simply needed and wanted love. There was a reason and a purpose to every moment, I just wasn't ready to see that and now I am. I am more me now than I've ever been and I feel a glow I've never felt. When I close my eyes, I'm lit up inside, infused with a shining golden sun of love. The energy of that internal sun is effervescent and gentle and I pause in awe every time with tears of wonder streaming down my face. My thoughts go calm and my heart swells gently as I breathe it in and let it expand me. This is the wonder of life for me, the gift of existence, the presence of God within. This is why it's all been worth it. Why I am worth it. This is why hugging a baby doll with my baby face is my joy today, because I'm worth all this peace.
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