Day 8/21 of the baby doll exercise has me reflecting on what lenses I use to see myself through. During this past week I recognised that I was focusing on all of the things I was not doing and, while I was not beating up on myself, I did see very clearly that I was not being loving either. I began to shift my focus so that I am now trying to pay attention to, and celebrate the things that I am doing and let go of the rest. I have historically had huge expectations of myself and there really is no need. I accepted on a conscious level years ago that if I was meant to be perfect, I would have been perfect from the start aaaaand, that perhaps I already am perfect exactly as I am and it is only my perception of that which needs to change. I still believe that and now I'm supporting my unconscious and subconscious in believing that too.
The way that I have seen myself is an illusion borne of fear. Fear to me is the greatest illusion and I often find myself caught up in the reactivity of it, just like I imagine everybody does. I feel all small and powerless and my mind adopts some pseudo-powerful way for me to react, like anger, creating more fear because my Loving self stayed trapped under that. Thankfully these days that reactivity only lasts for moments and not days, weeks or months anymore, or for years like it used to. Thankfully loving myself is having the effect on me that I hoped it would - I can love everything and everyone else more too. Thankfully, I'm close enough to my own heart now to feel the difference between Love's honest courage and Fear's helpful but maladaptive illusion.
I'm so greatful for fear because it really has kept me safe throughout my life. When I didn't understand this, I used fear to keep myself a prisoner and even that taught me a phenomenal amount of lessons about Love so I have no bitterness towards fear or myself about that anymore. Before this week, I was not giving that particular truth within myself time or space to be although I do honour that I have done that before and needed to stop for a time to explore other truths.
Week 1 of the baby doll exercise is like the turning of a corner for me. For 40 weeks, I entrusted the care of my symbolically unborn self to my own care and I gifted myself all the love, devotion, time, space and attention that I gave to my own unborn children years ago. Once again my children have taught me to Love more of myself and the world. During this symbolic gestational period I have come to a place within myself of great joy in existence - of finally really wanting to l.i.v.e.!! Even though I found my will to live long ago, there was still some part of me unconsciously that rejected living life to the fullest. That was fear - fear of being hurt, being broken, being maimed, being rejected, being marginalized, being beaten, being oppressed, being ridiculed, being unseen or unheard, being too much, being not enough, being silenced, being too big or too small - fear of BEING at all. I have always know I was not afraid of dying but I was afraid of living, so afraid that I rejected life and the joys I now know life brings.
This past week has helped me to see that the re-birth of my baby self is the time for emerging from the cocoon. This more integrated me has the love and capacity to be present and grateful, to feel whatever arises and to love anyway, to embrace the might of the vulnerability in me, to free the dragon and watch her soar. This me can be whomever I want me to be and my greatest wish for me now is that I will remember in every moment, waking or not, to just be fully me. To not ever shrink so that someone else feels less or more around me. I'm not responsible for other peoples happiness and I have a wonderful life to live.
So for today (one day at a time), I can remember to take tiny baby steps. It's okay to learn to crawl, walk, and run before I enter the marathons. Today I can relax, take myself off to school and learn some more about me and breathe in the joy that each moment contains while I concentrate on what I AM doing and let go of all the things I think Im NOT doing. Today I choose to have a wonderful, joyful, loving, giving, heartfelt amazing day.
#followforfollow #love #light #innerchild #soul #angels #mindfulness #gratitude #healing #healingtrauma #healingdepression #selflove #inspiration #quote #selfworth #igdaily #life #fun #inspiringquotes #spirit #ascension #awakening #baby #raiseyourvibration #spiritualhealing #neuroscienceinaction#photooftheday
No comments:
Post a Comment