All my life I squished myself down, playing small so as not to be noticed. I learned very early that getting noticed could be dangerous and so I mastered the art of shrinking. I became so good at shrinking that I eventually lost the ability to notice myself and almost succeeded in ceasing to exist at all (suicide attempts). I was in so much pain from shrinking so small but I didn't know that I was causing the pain, I thought life was what was hurting me so I blamed life. I didn't know any differently then and I tried so hard but it could not have been any different and I have so much compassion and gratitude for the me of my past now. I know how hard I tried in every minute and I know how terrified I was of being noticed and of not being noticed. I no longer carry shame around that.
This week I have allowed myself the honour of dropping all defense and just being me. It isn't sudden, I've worked my butt off for years now, learning who 'me' is and making my peace with that which is I must add, a work-in-progress. In a small class with a group of amazing and beautiful people this week, I have finally given myself permission to just be. I have still felt afraid but I trust so much more now. I've really got to the point where I trust myself and life to support me. I feel so safe in this group that yesterday I was able to let go of another weight that I had shackled to myself years ago and admit that I did not know something. For years I carried the terror that if I did not know, someone could die and I have released so much fear around that belief over the past 12 years. Yesterday, being able to admit I did not know to people I have only known for a few days felt so beautiful and so liberating. I felt very proud of myself and oh so very grateful to those people for being so compassionate and understanding. They embraced me and taught me what I wanted to know and my heart opened so fully that I found myself in heaven all over again. I was filled with the most incredible amount of love and gratitude that I almost burst with it.
The blessings just keep pouring in for me right now. I had thought that I was blessed before I began my spiritual maternity leave and then for ten months, although I've cried through a lot of grief and anger, the blessings increased. Now that I'm through and feeling the glow, massive blessings are raining down every day with the nectar of God itself rising within my being. The sweetness of life is staggeringly blissful and opulently infused into my heart and mind.
Yesterday I got to feel at one with all again. I still remember the first time that happened and each time is indescribable. I don't pine for it when it leaves me as I know it is me and I am happy to let it go again when it comes, as I carry it always inside.
All those years I spent shrinking were training. All those things I went through that taught me to shrink were training. All of that has been teaching me so many things, not least of which is humility. I had so much to learn and I am so grateful for that learning. I never thought I would be grateful for the experiences of my life because I spent so long grieving what I had perceived myself to have lost and so long resenting the teachers that I was blinded to my own truth. Now I have learned to see it all through my heart and am nurturing my ego so it's learning too.
I am growing up again on an entirely new level, just as I knew I could and now I have the best parent, adult and child I can have - my divine self. Fear is fast dissolving in me as wave after wave of me arises for completion. No stone is being left unturned and as I welcome each particle, blessing it with love, I imagine another me healing across time and space. Each moment is sumptuous and real and I find so much peace inside. I'm not 'blissed out', fear still shoots its hand up like an excited child who has the answer but now I can internally acknowledge and support the fear.
Quietude is replacing the gaping noise I once carried in my mind and that feels almost miraculous too. I thought I had lost some superpower when my 'baby-brain' kicked in but the superpower is returning since my baby doll arrived. I still have moments here and there where I can't tell my left from my right but I chuckle at it now with affection because I no longer fear it or myself. I really know who I am after 47 years. I have found a place to land, deep within myself and its soft, loving, nurturing and supportive. There's no pain in here, no desire for anything other than this moment, this existence. There's no want, need or grief, there is only all, now, no separation. Then there is not. Ebbing and flowing as life to the rhythm of my own heartbeat. What greater gift than this present moment as me?
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