The opportunity arose today to grieve again, in safety, the loss of my beloved Nanna who was born 87 years ago today. When she died, I was unable to cope with the enormity of my grief. I felt like my very soul had broken, in fact, there was not one atom of my being that didn't break. Even my thoughts broke. Each time I tried to 'ground', focus, think, I saw slivers and fragments in my minds eye as I literally and figuratively shattered. I had come out of psyche the day before and had no resources, no comprehension of how to get well and then... desolation, despair, horror, a gnawing, gaping, black chasm opened up inside me and I chose to dive in. I was unable and unwilling to be part of life for the next 7 months and the blackness felt so comforting and understanding right then. In that blackness I saw the tiniest spark of light and I nestled against it. That spark became my new pseudo attachment figure as I struggled to comprehend the depth of the loss, the shock, the pain, the nothingness. I eventually found God in that blackness.
Today, my body felt the physical pressure I had been unable to feel in 1998. Today it was safe to grieve -openly and unashamedly, to let the tears fall, to feel gratitude for the gift of unconditional love my Nanna gave me, to be joyful at having her in my life for 29 whole years and to acknowledge her presence in the air around me now. How proud she would be if she saw me today. She always believed in me and she was the first person to look past my behaviours and see my heart, my real self. What she saw in me took me 38 years to find. It took 36 years for another person to see it and recognise it in me too but my Nanna? She saw it at my birth and every time she looked at me, thought about me, spoke about me.
My Nanna was not perfect and she knew it. What I always knew is that she loved me without any strings, limits or expectations and that she always will and I give thanks today for the gift of her and for the gift today of being able to feel the pain wrap around my heart again and be able to really feel it, release it and let it go, safely and surrounded by love.
xxjxx
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