24 Jan 2013

Violence has many faces

I wrote the below story back in 2009. I have continued healing since then. I eventually received compensation for one count of historic sexual abuse that I suffered as a 7 year old. The other 35 years of torment have remained unrecognised by the law and I'm okay. Recently, I found real peace within myself -I found forgiveness. I have not, and may not ever, forget what I went through, I have merely released all of the energy around it, come to an understanding of why and how and chosen to let it go instead. I feel incredibly strong and sure that I have made this choice and I have prayed for those people too. I'm working on not calling it abuse any more, not because its not abuse-it is-and it needs to stop happening in this world. No, I want to call it 'trauma' instead of abuse because I don't want to blame. I know it may offend some people and I feel sad about that. This is me growing up and thriving; taking responsibility for what I think and say; having compassion and being loving. I am not the victim of an abusive childhood. I am a student in the school of life who wants to stop judging and blaming and start living, breathing, thriving and loving and, with forgiveness comes the freedom to do just that.

Onwards and upwards

xxjxx
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When I first considered applying for Victims of Crime Compensation, I believed I was doing it for validation. I know that welfare officers visited my home when I was a child and yet, abuse still happened, a lot of abuse. I did not feel any need for revenge or vengeance, I still don’t. What happened, happened, and I am not going to tarnish my own soul with revenge or deliberately causing others pain. I merely wanted the authorities to validate that what happened to me and my younger brother & sister was abuse and should not be allowed to go unacknowledged as such.

Sadly, it seems I will never receive that validation. I know now that I validate it for myself – what happened to me was wrong – W R O N G!!!!!! I have support from wonderful people (finally) and I am healing from the effects that abuse has had on my brain and my life. It has been three years since I first discussed this compensation with my solicitor and I have no idea what the outcome will be. On top of the extensive free counseling I have been receiving from my local womens’ health centre, I also received 22 hrs with a clinical psychologist through the Victims of Crime board, which I wholly appreciate and it helped tremendously. My gripe is with the criminal justice systems in this country.

As my abuses happened in two states, I have had to lodge claims in both states. One claim has been lodged in NSW and is proceeding.
The other claim had to be lodged in Victoria and to do that, I had to make a statement to police (something that does not have to be done in NSW). Upon providing a lengthy statement, I was informed that the abuses by my mother were considered to be mostly psychological, verbal & emotional and therefore the police were not going to investigate. The abuses by my ex-husband were committed against me when I was an adult and so that would not be investigated either.

These two people horribly abused me repeatedly for over 35 years and according to our justice system it’s okay. Even the Victorian solicitor I found was uninterested in my application.

I still feel some shame and embarrassment that I did not know it was abuse until I escaped it. I believed I was just simply crazy and unable to be a healthy, sane person. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to ‘get over it’ all. I suppose on some level I was right. They seriously screwed up my head and I can’t even guess how many more years of counselling I might need to be free of their crap. I started healing 5 years ago and, at first, I saw my counsellor every day of the week! I couldn’t get through 1 single day without breaking down! I did self awareness and support groups at the same time and I lived and breathed everything I learned. It has been no picnic and I still need anti-depressant medication to moderate my moods. I also believe I have a form of D.I.D. – Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Although at first I was terrified of what that may mean for me, I now feel less shame over some past experiences. During my last psychotic episodes, I kept telling people (and shrinks) that I felt like I had no control over myself, that I did not want to doo what I was doing but felt powerless to stop it at all. I wasn’t making it up, I felt completely out of control and I was terrified. I was hurting myself and trying to kill myself but I di not want to consciously. It just seemed to be a compulsion of some kind and even, at times, I was mesmerized by it in some way. I don’t know how that sounds but it scared the crap out of me for ages and I was ashamed about it for even longer. At least now, I can start coming to terms with it and learn how to make sure it doesn’t happen any more. Right now, I’m feeling angry and bitter about the compensation thing. I feel as if the Victorian legal system is saying that what happened to me was not really abuse.

My mother tried to kill me on more than one occasion. She bashed me with hoses, electrical cords, curtain rods, brooms, lumps of wood and whatever else she could lay her hands on in a fit of rage. She smacked my head into the clothesline, into a wall, made my nose bleed, tried to strangle me with her bare hands and that is just the tip of the iceberg. As well as being battered and abused myself, I had to watch and was often held responsible for the beating and abuse suffered by my younger siblings. I don’t know how we survived but it has left deep and terrible scars inside us all and some may never heal. I believe we were abused. I was abused and I grew up to marry an alcoholic. After about the first 2 months with him, I actually knew I would be miserable if I staid but I believed in my heart that I had been born to suffer and that leaving him was only avoiding fate. I had no idea of love or healthy relationships – I’d never seen one! I kept telling myself for 10 years that even though he seemed to despise me, had no obvious respect for me and spoke to me like I was garbage, yelled at me and called me names, he hadn’t hit me so it couldn’t really be abuse. Then he did hit me and refuses to this day to acknowledge that it even might have happened. I knew what rape was from advertising though and that was happening but again, as it seemed no-violent (most of the time) I just thought I was being stupid. Now though, I feel disgusted that any criminal justice system in the 21st century could know the full details of it all and deny it to be named as abusive.

I had hoped that the world is becoming a better place and I feel sure it is. But when will Australia really wake up and protect it’s citizens from violence? When will we realize that children are the fountain of youth and they are the ones who will be the lawmakers one day. Are we wanting them to have no compassion? Do we want our children to learn that violence is okay as long as you only hurt those who live with you and depend upon you for survival? That is what we have been teaching kids and they are excellent learners. Childhood trauma and abuse effects brain development and causes lifelong problems for individuals, families and communities – for the whole country and the whole world.

Only by standing up and telling stories like mine can we ever hope to make anyone take notice; to change laws and societal thinking. I, for one, am gonna shout from the rooftops, everywhere I go. I’m a survivor of childhood trauma and it has stuffed up my life and the lives of my children.

VIOLENCE AND ABUSE HAS TO STOP NOW !!!!!!!!

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