I never felt like I really 'belonged' anywhere but I got very good at believing I that I did belong.  As a small child I moved so frequently that I was not in one place long enough to make friends or, if I made one friend in that short time, I then had to move away and have no contact again.  By the time I reached high school, I pushed people away so I would not have to feel the pain of that and, by then I had no idea how to make friends anyway.  Fortunately a few Angels attended my school (which I managed to stay at for a record 3 1/2 years).  So I had 1 dear and gorgeous friend in each year and each of those had some unique gift that got me through that year until they moved on and the next one came.

I lost touch with all of them for decades and really struggled to have friends.  I felt safest with the family I knew, even though their behavior was not safe at all in the end.  Once I married, I turned to cigarettes, alcohol, my husband and children for friendship.  I was a virtual recluse and no one even knew because I appeared totally differently. By adulthood I had developed a real skill for keeping the secrets of my despair. I liked many people and called them friends but I didn't know what friends were for or how to be one.  I was terrified to offer help in case I was taken advantage of and, I believed very thoroughly that I was unworthy of help, support, friendship, love or even being alive for that matter.  I just didn't feel like I 'belonged' anywhere.

Eventually my despair and shame turned violent and I became suicidal and volatile so, for their safety, I left my kids, got as far away from them as I could get and tried to rebuild myself.

At age 35 I discovered that I had some very old, ugly, horrible and crippling wounds to mend and, that I had to virtually start again from scratch.  How to breathe, how to walk, how to get dressed, toilet training, oh the shame of it!!  I felt mortified and powerless but I started to feel like I 'belonged', almost.  A few more Angels became friends and for the first time in my life, I began to dream of a future.  That led me to wanting to help, or at least inspire others and off I went into the wild blue yonder to start all over again and... I started to feel like I belonged and in fact, I came to life and blossomed.

I've had to let that go too now and I'm still feeling like I don't belong anywhere.    Now though, I've grown up.  I know that I may never really feel that or, if I do it may not last but, I'm at peace now being me.  I don't want to ever again compromise my own health, safety, values or rights to 'belong' and I can be a unique individual and make friends too.  Now I 'belong' to me and that's enough.