In 2004 I reached a point that almost finished me. I had no roof over my head and was living in a hatchback wherever I could park it; no money (Centrelink wouldn't give me a cent; no contact with my beloved kids at all; no friends or family; no phone; no help of any kind and in a strange place one thousand kilometres fro everything I'd ever known. I had major, complex health and mental health issues. I was depressed, suicidal and vagrant, $40,000 in debt with not 1 cent to my name and absolutely no idea how to change it. I was a goner and I believed it!!
Then angels appeared.
Some of those angels really pissed me off and even life seemed to me to be out to get me in every way. I felt even worse but more angels appeared and slowly (excruciatingly slowly) I started to 'come back' from the edge of destruction. I fought harder than ever and made my healing my only priority. I ate, breathed and slept healing 24 hours a day. It was SO hard!! I saw 2 counsellors EVERY day for 2 years while I 'died' and re-created myself from the ground up. I pulled down and smashed apart the old, toxic, comfortable beliefs and values that were all I'd ever known and became like a totally defenceless infant again with no defences or security outside the centre that gave me the counselling. It was agonising, terrifying and agonisingly slow. It was brutally hard and yet, I had lost EVERYTHING already, my home, my kids, my family, my job, my 5 figure income, my health, my dignity and my self. I had lost all hope and it seemed the Bly way from there was up coz I couldn't get any lower.
During that first 2 years, I cried, screamed, wailed, moaned, complained, cried some more and I learned. I started to find hope again and I eventually started to dare to believe I might even be happy one day (something I had lost all hope of ever being). I started to dream of a future for myself for the first time ever and then.....
I suddenly felt terrified to heal.
I imagined what the future might look like if I really did become happy. These angels in my life were not friends, they were workers. I knew they cared but once I was on my way, I would need to let them and all their support go and that terrified me beyond imagining. I actually wasn't sure right then if I wanted to heal or not.
It took me about a year to decide and I was too ashamed to tell anyone so I did that bit alone, afraid and unsure. There was actually a payoff for me in staying a victim and I had to choose what I wanted. I really could not decide and it was harder still to admit it to myself.
I realised a few years later that I had been a victim for so long that being a victim felt 'safe' to me, safer than anything else ever had. I did not know how to be anything but a victim for 35 years and I blamed everyone else on the planet because I had been taught to do that and been led to it by example. With horror, I slowly came to see the me that others experienced and I was not even a shadow of the nice me that I thought I was. I was bitchy, hostile, judgmental, controlling, sarcastic, hurtful, bigoted, disassociative, discouraging, argumentative, obstinate and deceitful and I had no idea that I was like that at all. I blamed all the people around me for my misery because as a victim, I felt completely and utterly powerless . I took responsibility for everyone else's happiness but no responsibility for my own. I wanted everyone else to 'make' me happy and I was angry at them because they wouldn't. I feel sad for that old me and for the people I hurt.
Thankfully I did make the choice to heal, to take full responsibility for my own happiness and that is about the time I came to Heal For Life and started to truly believe that nobody can make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. That life is not out to "get me" and that I can have all the love I want if I just start by giving it to myself and others without expecting anything in return. Nobody owes me a single thing. I've learned that not ALL counsellors are idiots like I had previously declared, many, many of them are fabulous and very helpful. I learned that I had created my own misery because I had not let go of it years before. I had carried it around like a badge and suffered in public expecting others to fix me, fix it all for me so I didn't have to change or do anything myself.
I don't know how people could bear to have me around the way I was and I'm so grateful they did and that I lost everything. Because of that 'wrecking ball around the head' I have rebuilt myself cell by cell over the past 10 years and now I am the me that I love. Life is different for me now because I put much different energy into life than I used to. I have friends now and I've asked them to please not let me bitch or moan because that's not who I want to be - I want to own my own fear and heal without blaming others for what I'm telling myself about them. I want to en-joy the miracle of life and be of service to others. I know that there will never again be anything more painful to lose than what I already gave up back then so I can give up anything I choose to in future in order to keep my self. I am the only thing that will always be with me in this life and the next and I matter to me. Money and possessions will never make me happy and the only thing that I really have any control over (or want to control) is myself, my feelings and my perception. I can choose how I want to feel, think and act and so can everyone else.
I've learned so much and I have not been 'lucky' as some people have judged me to be. I have worked really hard and now I am more aware of what I "put out" and what energy I am sending into the universe. I choose love and any fear I meet now can just step aside and get out of my way coz I refuse to be a victim of my fear or of anything else ever, ever again.
xxjxx
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