Day 5

Congratulations - yay me!!!  Non smoker for 5 days now.  Each day seems to be more difficult than the last - I had expected each day to get easier but no.  Last night, I woke up at 4am and was not able to go back to sleep at all, even though I lay there for another three hours.  I had a module to present today and sleep would have been very welcome but I managed okay anyway (thank God).  At the end of the workshop, I really wanted a cig and almost gave in but I decided to wait.  I thought I'd check my emails and facebook page first and then see how I felt - talk about divine intervention - a handful of fb friends had left me messages of encouragement and support and as I read them, I almost cried.  I felt supported, loved, understood and encouraged and I felt very grateful.

I tend to do everything alone.  It's how I (unconsciously) learned to survive in infancy and childhood and was reinforced in my marriage.  I don't think to ask for support or help or much else and I had originally intended to keep my quitting to myself completely but at the last minute, I posted on fb, started to journal it here, and told a few close friends and colleagues so they might understand if I am not my usual self for a while.  I'm glad I did because I have received love and support which is strengthening my resolve - thank you all (you know who you are).

One of my biggest struggles has been to try to remember that my brain is doing the best it can to adjust to life (and especially stress) without lighting up.  I used cigs to cope with everything and I knew I was doing it and I allowed it and even cherished it for a while, keeping quitting in the back of my mind all the time but not pressuring myself in any way to go there until I felt ready.  I have learned to hlf (and therefore others) as I have healed and part of that empathy is understanding that my brain is doing it's best to cope with day-to-day life without the calming effects of nicotine.  I know studies have proven that nicotine creates anxiety and stress for the body/brain but studies have also shown that in PTSD patients, nicotine actually has the opposite effect and can even stop the symptoms of PTSD temporarily (Does Stress Damage the Brain by J Douglas Bremner, p 10).  For me, smoking used to be the only reason I stopped for rest breaks and the way I stopped myself dissociating while driving.  It was how I grounded myself and how I managed pain (especially extreme pain).  It acted as my crutch, my friend, my confidante even and I new I would miss it.  I knew I would struggle and I thought I was prepared but although I was very aware of why I smoked, I realise now that I had not fully understood the effect that quitting would have on my brain and that bis where my struggle lies right now.  I am not sleeping well even with my well-used techniques which once cured my insomnia.  Last night I awoke at 4am.  Tonight, I went to bed and to sleep and then I woke up thinking it must be 1,2,3, or even 4 am.  Imagine my horror when I discovered it was not even midnight!!!!!  My head is sore and I feel tired but I am unable, right now, to sleep!    I am questioning my timing, my preparedness and my wisdom but I am hanging in there for now.  I'm not sure how this will end except that I will have learned a lot either way.

nini xxxjxxx