Didn't make it

I have been smoking again for the past 2 weeks (roughly).  I feel sad about it but I refuse to beat up on myself as I know that wont help at all.

I learned a lot during the 6 days I stopped smoking:

*  I still dissociate A LOT while driving (when I am not smoking) and need to work out some way of healing that before I try quitting again

*  I may need to take painkillers for the first few weeks of quitting cigarettes

*  I need to get an internal concensus before trying to quit again

*  I need to be at home for a month to assist me in my quit effort as I stress too much at work (about keeping everything safe)

I'm sure there was more but I'll add to this as it comes to me.

I actually feel quite proud of the 6 days I stopped smoking.  I suffered on many levels during that time and still tried as hard as I knew how.  I didn't actually miss the cigs, it was more about pain.  I didn't realise how much pain I am still in physically until then but I am not sure if I am in that much pain all the time or if it was just my brains way of pushing me to have another hit of nicotine?  I thought each day would get easier but they just got harder and the pain got more unbearable...and then there is the unconscious - the dreams and - clusters.  I was so terrified I was getting a cluster that I through all effort out the window.  I really need to find a way of healing these bl**dy things or finding a way of making peace with having them.  The trouble is, they are so unbearably painful that I am absolutely terrified of them.  I would have thought that after 27 years, I would be used to them but I wonder if anyone could ever get used to that kind of pain?  I haven't and I wish I could.  I look forward to the day that the scientific world actually finds the cause and cure for cluster headaches.  The last I read, the hypothalamus is thought to be involved in some way - this makes sense from a trauma perspective coz the hypothalamus is the part of the brain that gets activated to activate the rest of the body in a life-or-death situation so mine would be over-used and maybe even abnormal.  I'm pretty sure that was the problem my aunt was thought to be suffering many years ago.  I might have to get in touch with her some day and ask? 

Oh well, onwards and upwards, eh.

xoxoxojxoxoxo