day 7

Is it day 7 or am I deluding myself?  I am smoking today.

I tried as hard as I know how all week and each day got harder until yesterday.  Yesterday was nightmarish.  I struggled to stay present all day and not dissociate and the pain in my body was so intense that my head felt like it would explode from all of the internal pressure.  There was a war raging inside me and I was doubting my decision to quit, the timing and my self.  I did a process which I thought helped a lot but about 1/2 an hour later, the pressure increased tenfold and a few hours of migraine later, I gave in and had a smoke.  Instantly, the pain and pressure stopped!

I am not giving up on giving up though.  I have learned so much about myself this past week and have a new perspective on more things that will help me to quit so I feel more positive than I expected I would if I failed.  I actually dont see it as a failure coz that would mean blaming my guyz and I don't.  I understand totally.

One of the things that bothered me the most is that not all of my guyz were happy about me quitting and one was even angry but I was trying to be a responsible parent and remove the poison from my kids (me).  I did not try to reach an internal concensus and then when I began to feel their resistence, I kept telling myself I could not back down coz there would be too many people disappointed in me.  As if I, at 42, need to be afraid of disappointing anyone?  There has been lots of soul-searching and consideration and communication this week as well as lots of dissociation.  Thursday night I ran a red light coz I didn't realise it was red, I was 'off' somewhere else and almost caused an accident.  Driving this past week has been very scary, let me tell you.  I don't want to die.  I need to work out some way to focus my attention while driving, without depending on cigs to do it for me before I try again.

My brain has had nicotine exposure since I was 14 years old (approx. 28 years).  I was smoking when my prefrontal cortex was developing and while my brain was deciding which neurons to keep or discard.  Unfortunately, as my smoking was regular, my brain will have learned to operate with the presence of that nicotine and to just stop smoking suddenly, throws my brain into 'survival' mode as it does not know how to operate without that nicotine.  I was very aware all week of how activated my sympathetic nervous system was and my breathing techniques helped a lot.  I figure next time I try to quit, I need to do something to shift the energy of that around and from my body - it made my muscles extremely tense, especially my jaw.  Before I try again, I also need to start integrating more parasympathetic activities into my daily life too - like meditation, relaxation, etc.  AND, I need to honour my gut.  I chose now to quit coz I was going to be home, safe and unstressed for the first 2 or 3 weeks but then I agreed to work which meant I had huge added stress all of this week.

Anyhoo, I may be smoking again but I feel determined to beat this somehow soon and I feel armed with more information to assist me in continuing the fight.

But you know what, I can feel disappointed and sad and whatever else comes up but I also need to congratulate myself - I quit smoking for 6 whole days!!!  That's still a pretty admirable acheivement and worthy of recognition and praise - good for me!!!

xxxjxxx