Blame is an insidious programme, an intriguing, mesmerising and intoxicating mass of thoughts that create separateness for any unaware wanderers.  No matter how many years I seem to spend reflecting on my own responsibilities for my self and my life, my ego still finds ways to apportion blame.  I find it is only through mindfulness that I gain respite from this old friend Blame.  I learned a few years ago how the human mind (aka ego) is negatively geared and wired to blame as a set-point.  That began my reflections on how much sway my ego had over my own positivity and mindset and I have to own that I was stunned.  It seemed for a while that no natter where I looked within, I found my ego blaming and judging every little thing I perceived in my world, including myself!!  There was no rest from it and I wondered how I had survived  my mind at all for so long.  The eternal optimist though, I rose to the challenge and proceeded to continue those reflections, loving what arose as best I could.

These days it's easier in many ways for me to be positive and to take full ownership of my own feelings, thoughts, reactions and experiences.  Therein lies the adventure though: as we become more aware, subtleties increase and dangle huge carrots for the mind to chase.  With dedication and devotion, I've learned that I can actually allow my ego to chase its own tail while I sit back and watch it.  Sometimes I have fun and sometimes I still get drawn in.  What I choose to celebrate is the fact that I'm learning anything from it at all.  I am aware now of how much more loving I am than how I used to be.  Although I have always thought of myself as loving and gracious, I have often not been too and it's more important to me to own my truth than to delude myself even one extra moment in my life.  I used to hate some things and some people with unbridled passion as I blamed them for my heart breaking.  I thought heart ache and heart break were tragedies that neither I nor anyone else should ever have to experience.  Anything that caused heartache or heartbreak would get my full vehemence because I could blame the cause for the effect right?  

Now that I can easily observe the Divine gift that is often invisibly wrapped inside any heartache large or small, I have allowed the blame to begin taking a more rear-placed seat in this bus called me.  Blame comes from the ego which is a child and needs guidance and parenting.  Allowing that child part of me to blame another because I'm afraid to believe there could be any kind of gift within my pain is letting myself and that child within me down.  Creating boogeymen and demons to mask my own fragments of self, to explain the world to me, the horrors my ego paints into the picture is something I have done for a long time.  The true miracle for me now has been in opening my heart up enough to break it completely open.  There is a constant sound of pure divinity pouring from my heart now and, even in pain these days, my loving heart leaps in to find gifts within my pain.  It's becoming easier and easier to not blame but to absorb the pain, flow with it to its peaceful release and embrace the bliss of what it has taught me.  I no longer have to shout about injustices because I don't blame them for the suffering my poor ego sees anymore.  I no longer have to control things as fervently as I used to because I'm not as threatened by being different or separate as I used to be.  I no longer feel the need to prove anything to anyone else because I know I'm not responsible for how other people experience me.  I no longer break my back trying to win that personality contest called life because I have a greater game to play - the divine play.  I now choose love.

Love breaks my heart, mends my heart, breaks it open all over again and sets my heart on fire.  Love winds me up, calms me down, sets my compass, sets my sails, fills my lungs, soothes my mind and laughs with me while it's laughing at me too.  Love brings me to life and asks that I die to it a thousand times a day, it grows me, shrinks me, blinds me, opens my eyes again, pulls me down to the depths of my being, and then raises me higher than I've ever dared imagine growing, before dashing me down again to ground within my being again and tucking me in at night.  Blame and love dance a powerful pas-des-deux within me that with awareness and mindfulness, can become and has become an incredible recital of Olympian magnificence playing out in the ballroom of my Souls' university halls.  Where I once allowed my inner George Orwell to write out my beliefs with 1984-esque precision and paranoia, I now require a much more whimsical and less bleak storyline to explain my world to me.  Opening my heart up even more fully to the cellular brilliance of who I am and the divine miracle of who I am beyond that is breaking that heart of mine permanently - or perhaps more precisely - breaking the hard shell I once kept around that heart to stop it from breaking because I could not fathom pain as a gift.  Now I'm able to keep my embrace secure when I break so there's no need for the wall anymore.  Blame and love can cavort around until the ego tires itself out completely and allows someone else to finish the dance for it.  No part of me has to do it all, alone, anymore.

RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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