Today I say goodbye to the pain of trauma; to the part of traumatic experiences that I used to find so objectionable; to the perception of abuse as my nemesis; to the hatred I once had of abusers; to the ego's fear of Love.  Today I embrace my true self, my unified self, my full soul self.  Today I set my Self free of the unconscious programming I created to keep myself dreaming and I awaken to Light and Love intentionally and fully informed.  Today I choose freedom and embrace it like the lover that it is.

I've spent years now churning straw into gold, spinning the trauma wheel to create a fantastic golden thread of freedom for my spirit to use to find me on the ground while I reached equally as eagerly above to pull it towards me.  I did not really know what I would find.  I did not even actually know that I was spinning either, but I spun and spun until it was all churned.  All I really knew was that I HAD to love, I had to love everyone and everything even when I was sure I couldn't love anything at all.  I felt compelled to love and so I spun.  Throughout the past 12 years in particular, I've mindfully used all traces of trauma to heal, learn and grow.  I held tightly to the stories of being abused for the first thirty five years of my life as if those stories were children I had to love, nurture and cherish.  There was a need to recognise something I simply couldn't see and until I saw it, those children cried out for my attention like starving infants will.  What I could not see until recently was that victimhood is a natural stage of development for an alchemist, a warrior, a shaman, a healer.  I had been a victim but had never allowed myself the honour of recognising I was one.  I had spent my whole life defending my right to be separate and free on the outside, to be able to grow and develop in whatever way I needed but, I did not afford my inner self the same grace.  Over this past 12 years of super-intense healing, I see now I have been learning to do just that and, wouldn't you know it took another traumatic experience for me to see just how illusionary my perceptions of abuse had been.  

Make no mistake, abuse is wrong. Abuse costs this world a staggering fee in more ways than just financial.  Abuse is wrong, insidious, detrimental and cruel.  Like everything though, it has a purpose too and only those ready to feel the complete fullness of its pain will come to understand how it contains any Light at all.  Some will be ready for that in this lifetime and some will not but eventually we will all be ready and that's when Love will truly overcome.  Abuse causes pain that wreaks havoc and destruction at a level many cannot yet conceive and the world as a whole is becoming very aware of it now.  Victims becoming survivors are standing up, speaking out, raising their hands, opening their hearts and declaring war on abuse everywhere we turn.  Thankfully there is a road beyond this too, a peaceful lane of winding turns meandering through the paradise of realisation and recognition.  This lane leads to Love, to the miracle of life as a free Soul.  In this place beyond perception lies answers to every question the heart and mind can utter and it calls us all home to its joy.  To get there though, we must evolve and learn, open our hearts and minds to ourselves and to  each other - even to abusers.  I have taken that old pain and spun it into the finest threads now, it hangs like jewellery across my heart as I wave my hand gently across the waters of my Soul in peaceful gratitude for all it has taught me, for all it has made of me.

As I purposefully let go of all of the perceptions of pain, I must honour the most recent pain too.  This is how I became aware of who I truly am.  I had found my calling, I had found my joy and my honour.  I had found my soul family and I thrived, flourished and excelled.  I flew higher than I knew wings could take me and then I felt abused again.  I screamed in horror only to be told I could not speak of my pain at all, that I must remain silent and apologise to everyone else for feeling hurt in any way, that I must never call what I was experiencing 'abuse'.  I was horrified, furious, terrified, enraged and incredulous.  Here, in this haven I faced the very monster I had worked so hard to escape.  I had believed I was helping to save the world from abuse, not just saving myself and now here, I was again abused.  It was indescribably painful and my ego was in its most powerless and vulnerable position, just as I'd intended it to be.  I had unconsciously recreated the original feelings that surrounded me at my earthly creation - powerless terror.  I had told myself that with all of my healing I was ready to rebirth into this world by choice, as Love, through Love.  I had no idea then that life would provide exactly the theatre I needed for that delivery to occur.  I feel fortunate that my faith was so strong when I began that particular journey as I had only that at times to draw on.  Crucifying the ego is a humbling, terrifying, lonely and virtually indescribable experience and as much as I adored my wonderful and supportive husband already, I now know no more loving human being.  The torture he witnessed within me was hideous and yet he loved me all the more.  After so long of facing my life head on, staring down every angel who tried to assist and doing life on my own terms always, I had no choice but to ask for help, to reach out for support.  He stayed patient through it all and held the space for me to fully parent myself back into existence.  Only a tiny number of friends stayed in touch, the strength of my rage too much to endure as I fought my very self for control.  It took everything I had to keep moving forward and I'm thankful to have seen a pattern in it all quite early on.  

Today I am choosing to lay that last trauma to eternal rest.  Yes I was abused in my eyes.  No it was not okay and I will never allow it again.  I will never give them another chance to do that again.  As of today I am silent no more.  I honour the process of life and of having a voice and I intend no harm becomes of it.

What I am grateful for though is what true gifts it has brought to me and for that I thank them all.  It is through that suffering that I have had the most profound growth of all.  I had to see my own reflection in their behaviour and I didn't like it at all.  I had to see how I was really treating myself, how I was still actually abiding myself.  I had to choose to change fast.  I had to let go again of all of the limiting labels I had allowed my mind to apply, to define everything and keep it all safe; I had to relinquish my control, beliefs, values and perceptions all over again and this time I knew I would survive.  I had to allow my heart to break open consciously and resist the urge to cause us all more pain.  I had to be reborn and to grow up all at once and I have.  I had to see that they silenced me because I was silencing myself.  I do not believe those people would intentionally cause me the pain I went through and I do not believe they are responsible for my pain either.  I needed to see my reflection and they became my mirrors.  It has only been through seeing myself in them that my heart was finally able to break open fully; to provide enough force to be able to crack the dragons egg within my chest to reveal the blazing Light of Love inside.  Even though abuse is awful, it created the inferno needed to force open the pod encasing the seed of my soul.  I had to accept I was a victim in order to survive, as 'victim' is merely a stage of development, just like symbiosis is.  For all the time I avoided awareness of my victimhood status, I stayed a victim until I saw the light' of it.  I silenced myself because I felt responsible for the pain of others if I spoke up and that is rescuing that comes from ego also.  I apologise to myself now and everyone else I disempowered through my rescuing.  Today I let this go in honour of us all; in honour of the love I believe so totally in.  Today abuse is leaving my consciousness and my unconscious too; I release it all with Love and let it go.

In 2017 my soul will soar to EVER newer heights as I ground myself into a life of service with joy, passion, surrender and love.  I have created all of the parameters now that I need for that to happen and I thank every soul along the way that I have ever met. No matter what part you played in my life, you have helped me and I am grateful.  I love you as me and I love me as you.  Namaste.

RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

Picture sourced from::::http://windstoneeditions.com/shop/dragons/hatching-dragon-version-2-black-gold/

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