Just for today I'm going to free myself up to be aware of how many times I speak of beauty.  There were so many times in this life that I silenced myself and drew to me others who silenced me to reflect myself back to me.  At the time I could only see them and their 'abuse' of me as my ego would have me blame everyone and everything else for my pain instead of learning how to recognise the fear that created my anguish.  Michael Leunig says there are only two feelings: Love and fear.  I agree with him wholeheartedly.  There are many many emotions that set of chemical reactions inside of my being to lead me to my truth.  I believe that these two feelings live underneath those emotions, igniting me either to 'do' or to 'be'.  

When I first began to ponder this, the cognitive dissonance I faced inside was huge.  I'd only just discovered I had feelings and I was 38 years old!!! I was not about to whittle them down to just 2 when such an array of emotions presented so attractively within me to dazzle and distract.  Anytime something was too much to bear, I could just blame emotion for my behaviour now right?  Although I embraced the idea, something felt a little 'off' about it too.  For me, the idea that there are only 2 feelings felt simple and as someone who has mastered complicated in this life, I love simplicity, so I continued to allow Leunig's theory to gestate within me and pop into my consciousness regularly.  In those early days I got pedantic about it and grabbed hold of it like a dog with a slipper: is this love or fear?  Let's not much around.  I then saw how I was not feeling better sometimes and decided to relax and explore emotions further.  There was such a huge array and I slowly began to let myself experience each one as it arose within me: anger, contentment, frustration, peace, guilt, freedom, shame, joy, blame, happiness, sadness, bliss, grief, cheer, and many others before I eventually found the core emotion I had carried throughout this lifetime - rage.  

There are many learned people in the world who say that rage begins in infancy.  When the energy of emotion is activated in an infant, the only way they can possibly release this energy is through crying as their bodies to not move much in the first few months aside from the occasional startle reflex.  In most of our cultures on earth, we soothe infants to stop them cringe believing that cries are somehow painful or not okay.  What if those cries are muscle-strengthening for our emotional system?  Each time emotion is activated, the body is prepared for action on a subconscious level but infants can't act, they can barely move at all and their only option is to cry it out.  I come along and soothe baby which then means the energy recedes but where to?  That energy actually gets stored in the muscles, in the diaphragm, in the pelvis, in the body, anywhere possible so that homeostasis (balance) can be restored quickly.  This happens every single time a baby has any e-motion!! Over time that energy builds up and what do you know, at about two years of age it begins erupting out again, usually in the form of tantrums.  Our culture steps in again to soothe it chastise this away, not recognising the natural need for this release of pent up energy.

I've worked back to release most of the trapped emotional energy that had fixed within me since infancy.  Even my physiotherapist had spoken of how the muscles of my body had never learned to work normally due to tapped emotional energy from infancy getting in the way of healthy motor range.  I thought at the time he was crazy but with the physical healing I experience constantly from previously believed disabilities and from agony, I see his wisdom.  I took it back to rage in infancy and before, in the womb and when I did, something amazing happened.  My heart opened into the beauty and wonder of my own amazing ability to live and breathe.  I then began to see past myself, my ego, to the spectacular and infinite miracle of creation.  I see past the emotions now to the feelings and beyond. Although it sometimes still takes a few hours, I see the beauty of every agony now, the gift in every pain.  I've spent decades seeing the tragedy of every trauma and the agony of every abuse but now I see so much more.  I see there is a blessing in each too.  I spent the last 12 years trying to create a better world, aka: a world that worked how I wanted it to.  A loving, kind world where trauma wasn't possible and abuse did not exist.  Now I am learning to accept the world for what it is and create all that within myself instead.  To create an inner world where my inner child can release the emotion, move in this body, throw tantrums, self soothe and move instead into joy, bliss and peace.  I'm delighted to say it's working too.  Everything about me is moving more freely now and my hearts sings with joy every day that I'm alive.  I still have moments when I blame and sulk, as anyone does.  I'm okay with that as I want to be naturally me not some perfect caricature if myself.  Just for today I'm going to free myself up to be aware of how many times I speak of beauty.  More muscle strengthening supporting the neurons in my brain to build a path to peace.  My infant self is now naturally free to be naturally me.

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