I'm so grateful to have been of service today.  The more I serve, the more my heart opens.  Although I serve two or three days each week already, today really helped me to feel 'useful' for the first time in almost 18 months.  It was only a bit of data entry but I actually felt like I was capable at something and that is a gift in my life.  While using this time post-trauma to more fully explore my feelings, awareness, body, spirituality and life purpose, it's been lonely and scary at times and, my confidence disappeared altogether last year after experiencing some nastiness directed at me.  It's been a long road but I'm really feeling positive and, my perception of 'service' has grown along with the rest of me.  I'm thankful every day For this opportunity to rise above, find my bliss, forgive myself and others for every painful experience I've had, learn more love, draw closer to God, surrender more ego, spend more time relaxing, nurture my body, create an ultra healthy lifestyle and forge more lasting relationships with people I care about.  I'm so grateful to myself, my soul, my inner child, my husband, the few people who still speak to me, the new people in my life who accept me for who I really am and to God for drawing me towards more service all those months ago when everything felt so hopeless and terrifying.  Re-birthing is one of the hardest things I've ever done and it's not any easier the second or third times, it's just different.  I'm proud of myself now.  I knew I'd make it and I used every tool I've ever learned to support myself.  I now feel so confident in my self-parenting skills and, although I was sure before all this that my inner child was one very lucky little girl to have me as a parent, I've really taken it up a notch now.

Everything has expanded within my consciousness and there is very little pain left inside me now.  Allowing every trauma to arise, flow and leave through me has been incredible, empowering, challenging, intriguing, daunting, wonderful, immobilising at times, harrowing, brilliant, beneficial, tragic and wondrous.  I don't even know how to describe the beauty I believe life to be anymore.  This miracle that I get to breathe in and out every day is magnificent and in this moment, the two people I thank the most are my mother and father.  Regardless of their skill or lack of skill as parents, it was they who made it possible for me to come into this life.  I breathe because of them and I truly appreciate their gift, perhaps today for the first time ever.  

Whatever this moment is becoming I know that I can say I have healed fully from childhood abuse and trauma.  It IS possible, it does happen and it's happening to me.  I'm grateful at a profound level for every moment of my life and my soul knows the gifts hidden within the perception I had of pain.  Now I see the diamonds and I'm not afraid of the dark anymore.  Last week I stood in a room with a big huntsman spider on the wall in front of me and I apologised to it because I still felt some fear in seeing it.  I marvelled at this woman who has had a phobic terror of spiders for over 47 years standing talking to one and sending it love.  The old me would have left the room in terror or asked someone to kill the poor thing immediately.  The me now is grateful to all the spiders who came to help that terror release from my body, mind and spirit.  The me now accepts the creator within that represents the spiders without.  The now me has blended the Light with the Shadow inside and is weaving a web of indescribable grace around and within me.

Yes, serving today has profoundly opened me up all over again to the millions of ways just breathing in love and breathing out love is service.  Namaste.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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