Reclaim Christmas

I have reclaimed Christmas *JOY*.
As a small child I enjoyed giving and receiving love and as I grew, I received it much less but never stopped giving. Now, in my 40's, I have taken steps to ensure Christmas is joyful, I hope you can too.

Merry Christmas, I'm off to blow bubbles :-)

Applying for a job

I recognised the other day that I have never been successful with a written job application. Every job I got some other way-by word of mouth mostly, or by fronting up and asking. Maybe I was just meant to have those jobs? Yesterday I sent in an application and afterwards was tough to say the least! I am unwell, my critical selves tried to put me and my application letter down and for some reason, I had to see a huntsman spider ambling around a carpark in the rain, so my toddler selves were freaking right out. Thankfully I remembered to feel all of the emotions, do a couple of processes and to pray. Then I physically shook it off and nurtured with some 80's songs-I slept like a baby last night and even slept IN, needless to say, except for extreme pain, I feel pretty good today xxx

Uni 2012

Rang the uni 2day for enrollment & it seems their website info is not accurate-they are not offering a masters now but that may change in the 2 years I will be enrolled & I then just add anther 12 mnths to get that too. Worst case - I will have a Grad Dip by 2015 - yay me xxx

Heal For Life Foundation

Breaking campaign: TCO's Heal for Life campaign | B&T#.TpUNkpx7Xrx.facebook

Please tell all of your friends about Heal for Life Foundation. I believe in them with all of my heart and soul and they are doing amazing thngs for survivors of childhood trauma and abuse all around Australia and the world

Graduation

Booked my flights to attend my beautiful daughters' high school graduation in 2 weeks time... I feel excited (and it's okay to just feel it)

Out of character

I did something way out of character this week, I bought an iPhone! This is astounding me still coz I can't remember a time in my life b4 when I would have considered myself worthy of such extravagant non-necessity. Even stranger is the fact that it is still not bothering me 4 days l8r - good grief - am I healing? I guess I am xxx

Trauma related behaviours

I feel so sad some times that the effects of trauma cause so much turmoil for survivors.  Even just the ability to be around other people or function as part of a group can be affected, making isolation more likely and sometimes, more desirable, to avoid conflict, ostracism, judgment, blame and feelings of inadequacy, fear, hurt or pain.

Sometimes, I long for a healed world where we can all live safely as one in peace and harmony with each other and all other living things (including animals and our environemnt.  Perhaps, as the brain doesn't kniow the difference between reality and fantasy, I can do visualisations of living in such a world and who knows, maybe if I invite others to visualise it often enough with me, we may even be able to create such a world.....I love being able to dream and hope, I went so long without it.

xoxoxoxo

Didn't make it

I have been smoking again for the past 2 weeks (roughly).  I feel sad about it but I refuse to beat up on myself as I know that wont help at all.

I learned a lot during the 6 days I stopped smoking:

*  I still dissociate A LOT while driving (when I am not smoking) and need to work out some way of healing that before I try quitting again

*  I may need to take painkillers for the first few weeks of quitting cigarettes

*  I need to get an internal concensus before trying to quit again

*  I need to be at home for a month to assist me in my quit effort as I stress too much at work (about keeping everything safe)

I'm sure there was more but I'll add to this as it comes to me.

I actually feel quite proud of the 6 days I stopped smoking.  I suffered on many levels during that time and still tried as hard as I knew how.  I didn't actually miss the cigs, it was more about pain.  I didn't realise how much pain I am still in physically until then but I am not sure if I am in that much pain all the time or if it was just my brains way of pushing me to have another hit of nicotine?  I thought each day would get easier but they just got harder and the pain got more unbearable...and then there is the unconscious - the dreams and - clusters.  I was so terrified I was getting a cluster that I through all effort out the window.  I really need to find a way of healing these bl**dy things or finding a way of making peace with having them.  The trouble is, they are so unbearably painful that I am absolutely terrified of them.  I would have thought that after 27 years, I would be used to them but I wonder if anyone could ever get used to that kind of pain?  I haven't and I wish I could.  I look forward to the day that the scientific world actually finds the cause and cure for cluster headaches.  The last I read, the hypothalamus is thought to be involved in some way - this makes sense from a trauma perspective coz the hypothalamus is the part of the brain that gets activated to activate the rest of the body in a life-or-death situation so mine would be over-used and maybe even abnormal.  I'm pretty sure that was the problem my aunt was thought to be suffering many years ago.  I might have to get in touch with her some day and ask? 

Oh well, onwards and upwards, eh.

xoxoxojxoxoxo

day 7

Is it day 7 or am I deluding myself?  I am smoking today.

I tried as hard as I know how all week and each day got harder until yesterday.  Yesterday was nightmarish.  I struggled to stay present all day and not dissociate and the pain in my body was so intense that my head felt like it would explode from all of the internal pressure.  There was a war raging inside me and I was doubting my decision to quit, the timing and my self.  I did a process which I thought helped a lot but about 1/2 an hour later, the pressure increased tenfold and a few hours of migraine later, I gave in and had a smoke.  Instantly, the pain and pressure stopped!

I am not giving up on giving up though.  I have learned so much about myself this past week and have a new perspective on more things that will help me to quit so I feel more positive than I expected I would if I failed.  I actually dont see it as a failure coz that would mean blaming my guyz and I don't.  I understand totally.

One of the things that bothered me the most is that not all of my guyz were happy about me quitting and one was even angry but I was trying to be a responsible parent and remove the poison from my kids (me).  I did not try to reach an internal concensus and then when I began to feel their resistence, I kept telling myself I could not back down coz there would be too many people disappointed in me.  As if I, at 42, need to be afraid of disappointing anyone?  There has been lots of soul-searching and consideration and communication this week as well as lots of dissociation.  Thursday night I ran a red light coz I didn't realise it was red, I was 'off' somewhere else and almost caused an accident.  Driving this past week has been very scary, let me tell you.  I don't want to die.  I need to work out some way to focus my attention while driving, without depending on cigs to do it for me before I try again.

My brain has had nicotine exposure since I was 14 years old (approx. 28 years).  I was smoking when my prefrontal cortex was developing and while my brain was deciding which neurons to keep or discard.  Unfortunately, as my smoking was regular, my brain will have learned to operate with the presence of that nicotine and to just stop smoking suddenly, throws my brain into 'survival' mode as it does not know how to operate without that nicotine.  I was very aware all week of how activated my sympathetic nervous system was and my breathing techniques helped a lot.  I figure next time I try to quit, I need to do something to shift the energy of that around and from my body - it made my muscles extremely tense, especially my jaw.  Before I try again, I also need to start integrating more parasympathetic activities into my daily life too - like meditation, relaxation, etc.  AND, I need to honour my gut.  I chose now to quit coz I was going to be home, safe and unstressed for the first 2 or 3 weeks but then I agreed to work which meant I had huge added stress all of this week.

Anyhoo, I may be smoking again but I feel determined to beat this somehow soon and I feel armed with more information to assist me in continuing the fight.

But you know what, I can feel disappointed and sad and whatever else comes up but I also need to congratulate myself - I quit smoking for 6 whole days!!!  That's still a pretty admirable acheivement and worthy of recognition and praise - good for me!!!

xxxjxxx

Day 5

Congratulations - yay me!!!  Non smoker for 5 days now.  Each day seems to be more difficult than the last - I had expected each day to get easier but no.  Last night, I woke up at 4am and was not able to go back to sleep at all, even though I lay there for another three hours.  I had a module to present today and sleep would have been very welcome but I managed okay anyway (thank God).  At the end of the workshop, I really wanted a cig and almost gave in but I decided to wait.  I thought I'd check my emails and facebook page first and then see how I felt - talk about divine intervention - a handful of fb friends had left me messages of encouragement and support and as I read them, I almost cried.  I felt supported, loved, understood and encouraged and I felt very grateful.

I tend to do everything alone.  It's how I (unconsciously) learned to survive in infancy and childhood and was reinforced in my marriage.  I don't think to ask for support or help or much else and I had originally intended to keep my quitting to myself completely but at the last minute, I posted on fb, started to journal it here, and told a few close friends and colleagues so they might understand if I am not my usual self for a while.  I'm glad I did because I have received love and support which is strengthening my resolve - thank you all (you know who you are).

One of my biggest struggles has been to try to remember that my brain is doing the best it can to adjust to life (and especially stress) without lighting up.  I used cigs to cope with everything and I knew I was doing it and I allowed it and even cherished it for a while, keeping quitting in the back of my mind all the time but not pressuring myself in any way to go there until I felt ready.  I have learned to hlf (and therefore others) as I have healed and part of that empathy is understanding that my brain is doing it's best to cope with day-to-day life without the calming effects of nicotine.  I know studies have proven that nicotine creates anxiety and stress for the body/brain but studies have also shown that in PTSD patients, nicotine actually has the opposite effect and can even stop the symptoms of PTSD temporarily (Does Stress Damage the Brain by J Douglas Bremner, p 10).  For me, smoking used to be the only reason I stopped for rest breaks and the way I stopped myself dissociating while driving.  It was how I grounded myself and how I managed pain (especially extreme pain).  It acted as my crutch, my friend, my confidante even and I new I would miss it.  I knew I would struggle and I thought I was prepared but although I was very aware of why I smoked, I realise now that I had not fully understood the effect that quitting would have on my brain and that bis where my struggle lies right now.  I am not sleeping well even with my well-used techniques which once cured my insomnia.  Last night I awoke at 4am.  Tonight, I went to bed and to sleep and then I woke up thinking it must be 1,2,3, or even 4 am.  Imagine my horror when I discovered it was not even midnight!!!!!  My head is sore and I feel tired but I am unable, right now, to sleep!    I am questioning my timing, my preparedness and my wisdom but I am hanging in there for now.  I'm not sure how this will end except that I will have learned a lot either way.

nini xxxjxxx