My amazing Brain

I was asked to write a booklet about Trauma Informed Care and it was a huge honour for me to do it.  i got to indulge my passion for research and writing as well as to respect my needs for self care and time flexibility.  I had a deadline but within that time frame, I was able to be flexible and pretty much be my own boss, I like life like that.  I finished the booklet yesterday and I have to say I am proud of it.  It appears to be well written, well set out, well thought out and informed, a big change for me actually.  I usually write without direction and I'm sure the big difference was having a frame around what was expected.  Ambiguous and vague direction creates a crisis in my brain because it seems to have a finite capabilty for processing information and with a challenge/question and no clear direction, it seems to turn into the widest ocean where all of the grains of sand mix, mingle and clash - my brain is awesome - I need to honour how it works and find things that suit my brain without trying to change it xoxoxo 

home again

got home again on Saturday arvo.  It was a slightly comical day as I agreed to drop a friend off at a train station on my way home and went in the wrong direction from the station which ended up adding 2 hours to my trip home.  It was good in that I was very mindful of my driving and not on auto-pilot like I usually am and I was also able to keep myself calm in a crisis and manouvre through city traffic alone and confidently - yay me :)  I treated myself to coffee with another friend after and a night out with a snuggle day today, watching hours of my fave shows.  Now I'm feeling relaxed, refreshed and hungry and tomorrow I'm out having a blood test and editing a booklet I've been writing for work, which I now have 3 days to get ready for printing - may not be on here for a while again but I will be back

xoxoxoxojxoxoxoxoxoxo

Health

Having spent a few days with my friends and feeling really sick while I did, I am beginning to cough less and hope more again.  I really hate being sick and I usually only suffer pain rather than illness so it is rare for me to get ill with anything but I have been sicker than I can remember being for a very long time and due to my car being off the road, 2 work periods being cancelled and no trips to the hydrotherapy pool, I was feeling extremely isolated and alone.
That was last month and this month is a new time.  I have a new project to focus on and new ideas and information to share while I wait for God to grant me back my car or an affordable alternative.  I have certainly gained empathy for people without vehicles who have to rely on public transport, not only is it unreliable , uncomfortable and unaffordable, it is also downright inconvenient and dehumanising.  Too bad if nature calls when you're on a bus.  Too bad if you feel sick on a train.  Too bad if you can't even get to a bank for cash to pay your fares, use your card an get charged extra - lots of staying home alone for me right now.  I wish I had a treadmill so that I could at least go for walks again, or that my body would miraculously heal itself so that I am allowed to walk up hills again without knowing I am encouraging time to speed up and lead me to disability.  xoxjxox

MHCC CONFERENCE (Sydney) 23 &24 June 2011

Got home last night, very exciting.  I took heaps of notes and have typed them up to share.  You can see my notes on the "Trauma, tips & tools" page of this blog.  Simply click on the link above. 

I'll be away until next Saturday for training so I hope everyoen is safe and well until then at least.

happy reading

xxjxx

still strugglin'

I have been virtually housebound for over a month now and I think I'm finally getting on top of my feelings of isolation and anger.  I have probably been feeling sorry for myself but hey, no one else is gunna feel sorry for me and if I can't empathise with myself in this time, how can i ask anyone else to anyway?  The money situation is still sh*tty and may even get worse before it gets better but I am still able to pay my share of the rent so I have what I need - just.  Just learned from phone co. yesterday that the phone bill was not paid back in May.  Stupid oversight and certainly an accident but now I gotta find 1/2 of that too, before June 29.  Oh well, just need to not spend anything at all between now and then.  I have my sons 21st in a little under a month and my car is still sitting in my driveway - i don't even know what is wrong with it yet coz I can't afford to get it to the mechanic OR for the mechanic to look at it and taxis are costing $12-$22 each time.  I have been using the bus where possible but I get sick every time and spend the whole trip trying not to throw up so that's fun - not.  Won't be leaving the house again now until Wednesday next week so I have a couple of things that need doing and I intend to use this time to get them done.

The thing I miss most right now is hydrotherapy.  I have been going 2 or 3 times a week for about 5 years now and it has helped so much.  I'm not allowed to use gym equipment or go to physiotherapy (specialist said 'never again') and I'm not supposed to walk up or down hills or stairs but the area I live in is nearly all hills so walking is a challenge here too and hurts my knees & back.  I feel like I am whining but all I am trying to convey is how trapped I feel without my car.  I had forgotten how difficult life is when I'm unable to even go out to buy milk.

I've been thinking again about living in the moment aqnd struggling with the concept - yet again - coz I don't see how it's possible when I have to budget money, time and energy well in advance right now.  Oh well, that's what counselling is for, so I'll work through that confusion next Wednesday, bye xoxoxox

Angels among us

I heard a song back in 2006 called "Angels Among Us" by Randy Travis & Allan Jackson.  I found it quite by accident too.  I was looking for new music to listen too and I decided to search the word 'angel'.  No great miracle but the song was immediately a favourite and for months afterwards, whenever I felt afraid, that song would start playing in my head to comfort me (and it worked, every time).  If you want to hear the song, it is on you-tube.
I have been reminded of this song today by a very dear friend who called me all the way from the other side of the country just to say hello and let me know she cares.  I feel very grateful to her for her call coz I have been very isolated lately, with scarcely any money and my car off the road indefinitely.  There is a part of the song which goes..."when life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees, there's always been someone, to come along and comfort me.  A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand, a phone call from a friend, just to say, I understand.  And aint it kinda funny, at the dark end of the road, that someone lights the way, with just a single ray of hope?"

Well, this song has helped me to believe there are angels among us.  In fact, I now believe that all people are angels helping each other.  Sometimes, they may behave in ways that I might not want to see as angelic and sometimes, I might even choose to believe their behaviour is cruel and hurtful but, looking back on my life and trauma, I can see how each person I have met (even the perpetrators) have aided me in some way - assisted me in coming to a place of unconditionality.  Oh, I'm not there yet and maybe I have a long way still to travel but I know I'm on the right road now and each person I have ever come into contact with (IRL or otherwise) has led me to love. 

I don't expect anyone to believe what I believe or to believe in what I believe in.  I just want to share my own faith and let the angels know, I believe, I love you and I am grateful to all you have given me.  My heart is so full of love and I promise to try my best to not judge others but to share the love I feel I've been given xoxoxojxoxoxoxo

wednesday

Although I am not writing new posts every day, I am updating this blog every day that I am able.  Either a poem, info, or a post, take a good look around before you leave coz ya never know what ya might find xoxoxojxoxoxo

Read me

I need to work out some way of getting people to read this blog.  Although I am not stupid or illiterate, I don't know a lot about online publishing but I have a strong feeling that this is the way I need to write - online.  Having just re-read a book of poems I wrote and have kept on my pc, I am more sure than ever that these poems need to be published and circulated but I haven't the foggiest idea where to start to make that happen.  That's why I've added a 'poems' page here but now I need to get people to read them and comment - if you're reading this, please recommend my blog to your friends IRL and online so more people take a look - I need this to happen xoxojxoxoxo

anx-tweet

just renewed my twitter acc and feel nervous about the idea tht someone may actually read my blog - I mean, that is why it's here but still, I feel nervous and thats okay.  My truth has the capacity to upset a few people and although I am aware of that, I know my intention is not to cause pain for them but to set myself free.  Hundreds, if not thousands of people all over the world are publishing accounts of childhood trauma and I deserve the same chance - my guyz deserve the chance for the story to be told so bugger it, here goes - Hello Twitterverse!!!

Charter for Compassion

Since my ultimate goal in life now is to BE unconditional love and reach the temple of TOTAL non-judgement, I happily support the concept of this charter.  I think I will make it into a poster for myself to guide me where I want & choose to go.  You can view the Charter for Compassion here: <iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wktlwCPDd94" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I have been to a place where blame was necessary for a time in order to heal but I never wanted to stay in that place and reminded myself along the way that I would move out of that place as soon as I felt ready.  I have never wanted to become a victim and although I did become one, I fought hard to stop being one as soon as I became aware that I was one.  I have many fears and many faults but I am brave and strong and what has happened to me has made that possible.  I refuse to go through my whole life filled with bitterness, regret, hatred, malice or revenge in my heart - I choose love, for those who love me and those who don't; for those who have supported me and for those who have hurt me; for those who have stood by me and for those who have let me down; for those who have been honest with me and for those who have lied; I choose love - for i believe everyone is love at the core, sometimes we just forget it and I am now 'coming home' to that core.

xoxoJxoxo