For the past week I've been sick and in pain. I have again been gifted the presence of Cluster Headaches to make more peace with. After having feared and hated them for over thirty years, I learned to accept and find gratitude for them three years ago and they stopped altogether. Last week they returned but, they're different now or at least, I'm different. My historical experience of Clusters has been horrific. I had my first experience with them at age 16, within weeks of surviving a motor vehicle fatality. I was struck down for six months of each year throughout my late teens and early twenties and quickly became hopeless. By my late twenties I was taking anti-depressants and spending thousands of dollars each year searching for relief and a miracle cure but in vain as neither were possible. I found that Cluster Headaches simply have to run their course and, having between 1 and 9 of these excruciating attacks every day for 5-9 weeks at a time, it was often completely unbearable. The effects of this dis-ease impacted not only on me but on my children, my marriage, my employment and on my health at every level. I really hated the pain, I lived in constant terror of it, even when it wasn't there, and I became a real victim to it. I allowed it to control most of my life for over three decades. Eventually I completely imploded and tried to commit suicide repeatedly. I blamed the Clusters for that behaviour but I had no idea what they were doing FOR me as well.
I did not learn much about self care growing up. My family was not able to pass on that particular lesson to me and I pretty much grew like a weed. The Clusters came along within months of my leaving home and in hindsight I see now that they taught me almost everything I know about self care. I soon found that if I pushed myself too hard; did too little; got too emotional, I would get Clusters. I turned to drugs including alcohol, prescription meds including barbiturates, OTC meds and cigarettes in order to try and block the pain. When that didn't work, I resorted to banging my head against walls and overdosing but soon found that only made it worse. I tried every medication and therapy I heard of for thirty years and spent many thousands of dollars in the hopes of alleviating the pain even a little bit. I would find something that worked and the next time, that same thing would make it worse. It was a hideous spiral I prayed to escape and yet I felt unable to. I think the thing this pain taught me more than anything was how resilient and resourceful I can be.
Cluster Headaches taught me to meditate to try to switch off the pain; to breathe more slowly and deeply; mindfulness; to exercise more gently and the value of incidental exercise; the benefit of stretching; respect for medications and their limitations; how to research critically; discernment; perseverance; determination; courage; stamina; pain management; visualisation; how to sit still; back care; good posture; humility; manual handling; and how to improve my nutritional intake. Although at times an extremely harsh teacher with seemingly no compassion, Clusters never stopped believing in me, in my ability to overcome. Like a rabid coach in the wee small hours, Cluster Headaches roared over me with a ferocity unmatched by any other to keep me crawling through the mud, muck and pain to reach the point I'm at now.
This past week the pain I've had has been minimal by comparison to what I've experienced previously and I'm grateful for that. The pain now is about a 4/10 or 5/10 where it used to always be 9+\10 before. I'm finding it possible to observe the pain and speak with it instead of believing I am one with it. I am not the pain and it is not me, we are simply cohabiting the same space for a while. I'm very aware now that the pain is simply energy in my body and it's trying to restore balance. The pain is actually trying to help me become pain free by moving itself through my system. Now, although it's not easy, I'm intent on sending love and light to myself; thanking the pain and myself and, having compassion for all I've embraced in this life. With Clusters and flu-like symptoms creating agony, apathy and lethargy in my body I'm not exactly happy right now and I get about two hours sleep each night/day but, I'm okay and my non-sleep is quite meditative so my brain is getting what it needs. I'm drinking more fresh water than ever before which is a real plus.
I've danced every dance there is with Clusters over the past thirty two years and I can dance again for a few more weeks. I'm now ultra healthy on every level and extremely strong so I can do this, I believe in me now.
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