When I was meditating this morning on what to write about today, the subject of suicide came forth. The first time I remember having a suicidal thought I was 9 years old. I saw someone hurting a baby and I felt responsible for that baby but powerless to stop what was happening. I ran to my room and drowned in astral murk before acting out. Over time I came to judge and despise people who attempted or committed suicide but I don't remember a reason for that other than my fear of becoming those people. That fear stopped me from having thoughts about suicide completely for another 19 years. The next time I entered the muddy waters of suicidal thoughts I was 27 years old, had two amazing children and owned my own home. Outwardly I had an amazing life with a great income and a husband everyone else adored. Inside I was a seething mess of misery. Nothing at all was as it appeared and I had no healthy coping skills for everyday life at all. I smoked, drank and over-ate most days and, on the days I didn't do one or more of those things I was obsessive, compulsive and ultra controlling of everything. I was a mess and I knew it, I just didn't know what to do about it. Eventually I imploded and began attempting suicide. Each time I tried and 'failed' I became more desolate, more determined and unbeknownst to me at the time, more enraged. Over the next 6 years I attempted suicide at least fifty times and in the final year of this madness, I actually felt as if I could not stop myself from trying over and over to end my life. It was as if I no longer had an "off switch". One day I just snapped and realised I had never allowed myself to feel angry and decided I'd try that as I had nothing else to lose anymore. By then I'd lost everything including my precious babies I thought, so I believed I really had nothing more to lose. All I can say today about that is "thank God".
Getting angry that day safely, with a witness and in a controlled environment that I intuitively realised I needed first, was one of the most healing things I've ever done and it set me on a path to Love and self-discovery. Getting angry finally led me to getting real and up till then, my biggest misery was that I didn't feel real in any way I could describe. I felt like an actor in a movie all my life until that day. Getting angry safely, helped me to 'ground' into my being, into my life and can I say: this angel fell with an almighty thud. I fell so hard I bounced! Within days Light came into my life in the most glorious ways and Angels appeared out of nowhere to help, something I'd never noticed happening to me before. I found a new counsellor and I then began my 'rebirth', a complete overhaul of my entire belief system, emotional index and astral experience. I would be in counselling for eight years before I felt confident enough in myself to stand alone. I still had suicidal thoughts over that eight years but I never once acted on them again because I observed it as all it really was - thoughts and feelings, I knew then it wasn't 'who I was', but rather, thought patterns and tapes playing to me. It would take another five years for me to recognise today that all of that was just learning and that I can feel grateful for what it taught me.
Today I do feel grateful for that long, dark night. It opened me up to myself and life in a way I'm not sure I can describe. Going through all that and surviving, no - thriving - because of that; learning firsthand about the psyche, my own psyche included; recognising the courage, creativity and resilience entailed in overcoming suicidality; meeting other amazing souls who travel that path too; learning to love and forgive myself and others. Only this morning I realised I had been still carrying shame, blame and guilt around it all and I'm choosing to let it go today - now in fact. I've been plagued by excruciating pain in my back for decades which the new moon in Aries wonderfully re-excavated for me this past fortnight so I could purify it from myself once-and-for-all. I had plunged a huge knife of self-hatred into my own spine many years ago which I pulled out yesterday and then the tears began to flow. A massive, soft, sore bulge appeared inside my nostril to alert me to the festering feelings of lack of self-love and that pain in my back cried out for attention once again. I almost gave in to hopelessness and terror but then I remembered who I truly am and I self-nurtured. I cradled my inner child in my arms and spoke words of love and support. I swept and cleaned my own energy and filled my body with light, vibrant, healthy food and I got a massage. Last night I slept like a baby, as I should. I still have a little discomfort but I'm okay with that, my cells need time to readjust after these shifts too and I am aware of that and empathic to it. Rage needs care and compassion too if it's going to be released safely.
Each day now I learn more and more about real freedom and it starts within, not without. Today I pray for all of the people in the world who struggle with suicide and I hope they find the spark of Light within them that I found within me when my Light went dim all those years ago.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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