I never would have once imagined that I could feel grateful for pain or illness and yet here I am feeling just that. I used to be always terrified of Cluster Headaches, sure that I was powerless, a victim to the agony I felt. Years and years of desperately seeking relief in vain left me feeling hopeless and yet still determined. This time around I feel grateful. There is a difference now for me - I surrendered and merged with them. I recall it being one of the scariest things I had ever done at the time. I chose to go without medication and speak to the pain, to embrace the feelings buried within me. It took a few years to get through the bulk of it but it gave me such an incredible understanding of myself, my body and my resilience. It started to improve and, this Cluster I have now is the first one I've had in three whole years. The last one was in October 2013. Just like that one, this one is different from all the others too. It's as if all the symptoms have separated out and I can observe them singularly.
I liken it to group work: if I was leading a group of people and they were all talking at at me at once, I would not be able to make out what any one person was saying to me but, if I address the group as a whole and offer to hear them one-at-a-time, we all get our needs met. So it is with my internal world: these Clusters have more than one symptom or component so now that I respect them and have stopped resisting, I can hear better. Now I'm getting only one or two symptoms at once so I can work out the cause and move on to the next symptom. For the past week I had one symptom which I have now alleviated and another has surfaced. Feelings materialise continually and are flowing through me like lava, water or air, depending on their urgency, their age and their need. All I need to do is feel, observe and learn.
Of course, the child in me still feels like crap, still feels sick and sore and sure it's all very real. This I nurture with soft blankets, fresh water, sleep and words of love. I caught myself yesterday thinking I should be up and about doing something and not laying around but, I'm really sick so if someone else was like this, I'd encourage them to do what I'm doing. I had to own that my impatience came from fear of what other people might think. Once I owned that, it was easy to see and release some more of the energy that the illness is here to help me release. I also had a sudden moment of feeling like I don't know who I am anymore which is a good sign too as my ego is adjusting to my higher level of consciousness. Comforting and nurturing was the best medicine there too. I had a big day of awareness yesterday and I slept on and off too. I'm aware right now that there is a huge amount of old energy shifting within me and it needs to shift. I intend to give it whatever time it needs. I owe it to myself to be a loving parent to me and everything else will have to come second for now while I do just that.
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