Today I'm aware of how much I need "stillness" in my life. I've spent a lifetime adapting to my external world: changing, molding, bending, flexing, drowning, jerking, pushing, pulling, bobbing, breaking, bowing and scraping. I exerted insane amounts of energy trying to please a world I could not fathom within myself because I did not actually know myself. I forgive myself for that unknowing. I believe now that I needed to be that so I could learn to know myself through the world. I don't know why I needed to learn it that way but I know that I did need to. My own belief is that everything happens exactly as it should and it has taken me at least this lifetime to make peace with that belief. I fought it, ran from it, struggled against it, rejected it and abandoned it many times before I allowed it to sit in my heart and then allow myself to get a feel for it. I always knew it but I resisted it so it persisted till I 'got it'. Now it sits snugly like a newborn infant at peace in a mothers arms. In accepting the belief, I've journeyed through a blazing, cleansing fire of self-acceptance; self-love; self-trust; and self-respect. I've gone within myself to meet all of the facets of who I truly am and, although often repulsed, rejecting or terrified sometimes at what I discovered, I held the intent of learning to love myself unconditionally.
I feel blessed that I was able to manifest people, places, relationships and workplaces that supported my learning. There were so many disassociated facets of my being that in hindsight, working in groups was always going to be of huge benefit to me and it has been. Somehow historically, tidal waves, wrecking balls and holocausts have propelled me into new states of consciousness that leave me completely reborn anew and yet, I'm hoping now for a gentler future. I suspect those tsunamis and Armageddon-like times occurred because I was unaware of the true value of stillness and how much stillness is who I really am. Last week I went to the pool and took the opportunity to lay on my back in the water and just float. I've always been able to float in water, even if I cross my feet and then cross my arms behind my head as if I'm relaxing on a lilo. I'm virtually unsinkable since almost drowning three times in childhood. As I floated I recognised how still my mind becomes when I float in water - my usually chattering monkey-mind just stops and observes my breath. It's almost instant and it was sublime. I was in a public, crowded pool, feeling completely supported, safe and at peace. Not even joy crept into that stillness, nothing crept in. I was one with life and, totally grounded in beingness.
Since then I found a burst of renewed energy mixed with pain and inertia and, I struggled to decode the cause. I had hot showers, went for a walk, lounged around, meditated, chanted, prayed, cooked, cleaned, slept, laughed, cried, slept some more and then, it hit me: I need to be still. Many of you may have always been aware of this for yourself but I have not. I have lived a life of action, needing to be 'doing' or to be doing 'being'. I've never really consciously valued stillness and my being now is crying out for it. I'm in physical agony that I haven't experienced for a long time because I've been pushing myself again. I thought I was being mindful of my body while I moved house and I was. I took two weeks off from volunteering, only lifted light things, just attended to basics and tried to get more sleep. I did not really allow myself to be still though. Every time my body tried to be still, my mind jumped about trying to control me with: meditate, move, eat, chant, pray, sing, work, play, love, blah, blah, blah. I love my mind and I'm very grateful for all this so I could get to today's realisation - I need to be still more often and honour myself as stillness too.
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