My journey of faith has probably been the most difficult and most rewarding aspect of my life so far. Even in just writing that sentence I see that my truth is that my entire life has been my journey of faith. As I have struggled to understand myself and the devoted intensity of my faith, I have drawn people to me that also doubt the sanity of faith. The upside of it is that experiencing their doubt strengthens my own conviction. I really love the way reflections work: seeing how others reflect things about myself makes it easier to recognise and balance those things in myself. It's incredible to me how many thousands of layers my ego has, to continually create ways to keep me asleep as it fears losing the control it has convinced itself it has in my life. I almost feel sorry for it as it throws up one label, judgment or fear after another in an attempt to throw me off my path again. Thank you ego for your incredible efforts. Without you being exactly as you are I may never have found my path at all and I certainly would not have been able to have faith.
I'm writing about my faith in my book and there really have been some incredible lessons and miracles for me in this lifetime. I think so far the biggest has been this past year. No matter how it sounds to me or anyone else, I have long been comforted by what feels to me like the voice of God. This reveals itself to me as energy that feels completely different to anything else anywhere that I've ever experienced. I have long been aware of different facets of my own being and of my own inner voice, this is totally different and, always spot on. It's also always unconditionally loving. I've learned to trust this implicitly no matter the cost to me. Two years ago I felt led to give up a gorgeous unit in town and move to my workplace of eight years. Although I took a month to discuss it with my husband and 'reason' it out, I went ahead with the move. It felt very right and everything fell easily into place around me as I did. I then followed the call to live in a tent for forty days before building my own home there and that's when the real learning began.
As much as I love God and as strong as my faith is, I doubted myself at every turn. I was sure I was mad and my fear grew every day as I unknowingly drew that doubt to me from others too. I really struggled to believe in myself and yet I went ahead with conviction and faith anyway. Building that home meant having limited access to water, having only a small generator for power, battery powered lighting, no fridge, only a bbq to cook on, an outdoor bathroom, and freezing conditions in winter with no heating. As I was passionate about my work and my God, I threw myself into it all with faith and love and thoroughly enjoyed it as an adventure. Then I got another 'call' - this time it was on a whole other level. After years of things going right all around me, things went horribly wrong but, this time I knew that rather than allowing terror to control me as I had in the past, love would lead me through it all. Slowly my life changed and all of the illusions I'd built up were stripped away: my husband lost his livelihood; my own meagre wage was cut in half; people around me started to become hostile, then nasty; I was at a loss until I let go. I surrendered it all and walked away with faith, love and hope as my guides. I felt so scared and yet it felt so right too. I knew in my heart that it was all Divine and that there was work for me to do on myself again - deep work.
Over the next few moths I could barely function as my ego flailed around trying to convince me either that I was dying or that I should die. My faith showed me through the illusions one after another and although I really buckled under the enormity of it all, I was able to draw on resources I've been adding to for my entire life. Having such strong faith made it possible and, dare I say enjoyable at times too. Giving up all of those worldly attachments gave my ego something to be okay with and I even had to recognise how much I allowed myself to want sympathy for doing it. I found myself exploring how little empathy I had for myself living that way and also how much I judged myself for it. It has been a very enlightening, humbling and incredible experience for my husband and I both. We've learned so much about ourselves that we did not already know and about each other too. Our greatest joy was getting married in the middle of it all and even the wedding was guided by faith at the tiniest financial cost imaginable. The love on that day was so strong the people still comment on the presence of it a year later.
I have found over time that when love is all that is left after stripping everything else away from decision-making, things work out really fabulously. Allowing my heart to make the choice, now that I know my own heart, gets results that blow my mind open with wonder and awe. That makes faith easy. I had been telling myself (without realising) that abundance was hard to find but for my entire life I have manifested abundance with ease and this past year especially has proved that to me. Allowing life itself to consciously be my only support and learn that money is not the only form of abundance has been nothing short of miraculous. I had almost no income for a whole year, no wages, no benefits. Choosing that has helped me to trust God, life and myself more. I have all that I need and I can ask for anything I want and now I believe that. What greater gift I could have I don't know.
RememberingUnity
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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#weareallinthistogether #om #aum
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