I've spent many years now feeling sad, angry, afraid and resentful about the trauma and abuse I experienced throughout my life. One thing that I've been embracing about it all though for the past ten years is that it gave me the gift of dissociation. While I never saw dissociation as any kind of gift for the first few decades, I've come to feel really grateful for the ability. In the past year in particular, I've been able to recognise how imperative dissociation has been for me to grow into the person I believe I am at my core.
'Grounding' is vital for a happy, safe, fulfilled and balanced life. I was once so dissociated on so many levels that 'grounding' physically hurt me. Something told me to persevere anyway so I explored dozens of different ways and each one got me closer to my goal - staying grounded. I'm at a point now where even though it's really painful, movement is the most important grounding tool for me. Whether it be dancing, swimming, walking, hula hooping, golf, vacuuming, sweeping, stretching or even sex, I have to move my body to feel fully alive. For most of my life I froze every time a thought created emotion in my body. Freeze is dissociation - switching off some part of myself in order to not fully experience whatever the experience is. In learning ways to love, understand and support my nervous system balancing itself out, there is less need for it to throw the freeze switch so I do not dissociate to the level I used to.
The positive is that 'freeze' is also where I found my idea of God, the purest, most loving, unconditional and peaceful part of my existence. I had not realised before that there must be a duality to 'freeze'. I learned long ago that everything has an opposite. Living with dissociation and trying to overcome it, it had not occurred to me to fully explore what the real positives might be. I did discover that I had power, that I could in fact dissociate at will and it didn't just happen against my will like I once thought it did. Once I recognised this I trialled it and had some fun with it even. Over time I came to accept that it wasn't all bad but now, today, now I'm amazed at what a gift it is. When I meditate, pray or connect with nature, I need to be able to be grounded AND be able to dissociate. If I cannot do both, I do not soar to the same heights. My heart does not fill with the same amount of love and peace.
I'm not perfect and I no longer feel like I need to be. I'm just me living my life my own way and loving whatever I can. Now though, I can appreciate even more about myself so I appreciate life more too.
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