I'm sure that when my Soul was planning my trip here the number One lesson on the list for learning was 'Patience'. I can see thousands of opportunities have been offered to me to support that learning during my lifetime and, I also see myself getting better at it each time. I remember when I was in a fatal car crash at 15: my best friend literally died in my lap and all I knew how to do then was to beat up on myself for not getting over it the same day and to hate myself for not dying in her place. Reflecting now I see that the year I had after it in a virtual fog of grief may have contained a reward of ease and grace too for getting through 15 years of traumatic experiences? I was blessed with a loving and gentle partner materialising in my life within 6 weeks of that accident - a new best friend for the next three years. A beautiful soul that I was sadly unable to appreciate fully at the time because I was so impatient to be perfect that I could not even perceive what perfection was. All I could do was want for more. That drove me forward in a positive way granted, and it also may have been a nudge to be more patient.
I remember that during both my pregnancies I became impatient in the last trimester. I just couldn't wait to see and hold my babies whom I adored so very much. Now that I've connected to myself I know the value of just being patient and letting baby take whatever time is needed to develop. I've also learned that through patience, baby can do that developing on the inner plane at any time during life if I allow it (and I am right now at 47). I remember hoping my kids would not grow up too fast so I could appreciate the for longer and struggling to wrk my butt off so they could eat and go to school but desperate to spend quality time with them too. I crammed togetherness in to every spare moment with them that I could and then had to tragically leave them at age 10 & 13 to save my life. It took my many years to see any positives in that but I can see how patience was a part of that lesson too: I suddenly could not see my amazing kids every day, nor could I pick up a phone and call them while living in my car. I HAD to learn patience in a whole new level then.
I remember having a huge Inner Family that consisted of dozens of facets of my dissociated ego and asking them every week "what is one way a nurturing parent would behave towards a child?" and getting the same answer for 5 years - patience. I knew it was telling me to have patience with myself and I struggled at times to do it. I did learn it though and it brought me to the deepest understanding of unconditional love that I could have imagined possible. I also remember last year when this 'family' suddenly disappeared too and I had to learn another level of patience with myself and the world again. I had this carefully and unconsciously constructed way of being that suddenly disintegrated. I had functioned unaware of it for 36 years, unaware of myself. Then I'd dived in boots and all to become consciously aware of it for 10 years, expanding and healing profoundly as I grew. Now here I was as feeble as a newborn with nothing on my mind working as it used to. Suddenly I could not tell my left from my right; I could not think a linear thought; I could not speak without crying; I could barely see with failing eyesight; I could no longer eat the same foods or drink the same drinks without allergic reactions; I could no longer feel confidence of any kind, in any situation, with any other person; I could not concentrate for more than a moment; I could not sleep at night and could not stay awake during the day; I could not move in my grief and had almost frozen. But I knew in my heart I was going to be okay and I was patient with myself. This was a phenomenal achievement for me and a first.
I remember too when I first believed, at 37, that I was permanently disabled - physically and psychologically. All I thought about was how to become 'able' again and 'whip' my mind into shape. I began cracking a new whip over myself and about two years into that I suddenly saw that there may be a gift in it all: maybe I was being given a chance to rest and reap a reward for a job well done. All the times I had thought I was being punished for not being 'enough' were just my fears playing with my heart. I was torturing myself with terror and I suddenly knew it had to stop. I had formed the new belief that I was going to be well one day and I now realised that I'd better enjoy the break I'd been given or else some day I'd be busy and stressed again and wondering why I never appreciated the break when I had one.
There have been many, many other opportunities for me to learn patience in my life. Some of them I've excelled at in the moment and some I've re-sat later. I've learned now that in the classroom of life there is no such thing as 'failure'. Every, single lesson has re-sits and we can have as many as we need to learn whatever it is we need to. Even the rough times are blessings at their core. Even now as I am in a time of learning that could be terribly stressful, I see the gifts and the opportunity for learning more patience. Yes I'd love it if a large lpg gas fridge magically appeared on my deck so I could keep my food fresh longer but: I'm also learning more creative ways to cook, prepare and keep food, not to mention growing my own food and allowing nature to keep it in the ground for me until I'm ready to use it. The patience required of me in this is helping me to eat more healthily than ever before and to ensure my food is almost totally raw and fresh. That's exactly what my mind, body and spirit needs! The benefits of having no fridge for 15 of the past 18 months are immense looking at it that way.
Then there is the year I've now had not earning an income. Yes I'd love to have money. I've had moments when I wanted to rage at myself for being lazy or just go and get a job at Woolies or Maccas, anything to contribute. Having zero income for 6 months and then learning to live off $200 p/wk was excruciating to say the least. I even considered applying for benefits more than once but I knew I had to wait - to be patient. There was something much more important for me to gain in that time than money - self love. I've reached a point in my life where I will not be able to grow further unless I can love myself fully and unconditionally. I worked so hard on so many levels for so long but I never allowed life to support me before this year. Everything I received, I thought I had to pay for in life somehow. I think I even unconsciously believed until recently that the very air I shallowly breathed was not free for me either. I need to respect myself and be able to expect respect from others but until this past year, I didn't know how to. Once again my life has forced me to stop and wait, to go inside and do a major spring clean. In my own inimitable style, I jumped into it with gusto and verve trying to get it all done within weeks, clearing away lifetimes of trauma and energy.
I had no real understanding of energy until I started this and my own energy surged within me, blowing up two of the generators I was using to power my home! Thankfully I've got another small generator (which I don't go near now since blowing up the first two), and am exploring the metaphorical gift in 'having no power'. Living off-grid is an amazing experience, particularly in supporting myself to learn patience. Yes I'd love to have electricity again and running water. There's no flicking a light on to find the bathroom in the night or reading by lamp light. It's either a torch, starlight or try something else. There's no warming food in the microwave or baking biscuits on a quiet Sunday. All of my recipes are adjusted to cook on a bbq because that is my stove. If I want a smoothie, I need to start up the generator and unpack the blender. There's no cold drinks in my fridge because my fridge is an esky that I drive 20 minutes into town to get ice for 3x each week and then drive the 20mins back to get it home unmelted. There's no quick trip up the road for takeaway food or dinners in restaurants - the money we have pays for food, phone, car insurance, fuel, ice and a tithe. I haven't bought new clothes in a year so there's mounting opportunities to hand sew what clothes I have now but no way to use a sewing machine. The generator I'm left with won't run a hairdryer, or a vacuum cleaner so short hair and a straw broom are my new fashion accessories. The internet is only available at certain times of day if we sit in just the right spot in the bed and, most phone calls to my kids drop out 3 or 4 times each conversation we have. The washing machine will work but uses 80litres of water each month and we have already bought water in to fill the tank twice now, it's not affordable. The garden is a blessing but water is carve and so far we've been blessed with regular rainfall since planting. Paradise is a blessing in disguise.
Within all that I truly am feel blessed because I'm getting fresh food, fresh air, fresh water, and a fresh outlook on life too. There were so many emotions coming up the first 6 months that I just focused on nurturing myself through them and finally allowing them, for the fist time ever, to flow through me as I felt them and not push them down. I spent months crying, laughing, screaming, playing, moaning, weeping, singing, sobbing, dancing, journaling, praying, meditating and waiting. I knew I was being given the opportunity to heal the very core of my being and I grabbed at that chance. My faith has stayed strong so I had a lifeline and my husband is incredibly patient which helps immensely. I have become more grounded into my body and my life than ever before and I no longer have a time frame I'd like to work within. Que Sera Sera - whatever will be will be. I've stopped telling myself I'm doing nothing because it's not true. There are so many levels to being and that was not always evident to me until recently. There's a new level in getting to know myself and the world at and it requires patience too. As the sun rises each morning and sets each evening. As the moon rises each evening and sets each morning. So too must I rise and set, not pushing but surrendering to who I naturally am, accepting life as it naturally is. Breathe in, breathe out. Have patience with it all and receive the blessings it brings in each moment. Patience is making life a miracle for me and I can so very easily embrace that miracle now.
May your day be as blessed as I choose my day to be.
RememberingUnity
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