I've lost count of how many times I've "died" in this lifetime. Death for me is a state of consciousness, the only real finality of it being what my perception tells me that moment is, knowing my perception of it will change at some point too. I have become acutely aware of the developmental stages I move into, through and out of repeatedly which helps me in my quest for self-love and compassion. Throughout my life I have rebirthed myself over and over again as my level of awareness has changed. In those moments of "awakening", the ego perceives some part of itself to have "died" and can go into grief depending on the current level of consciousness. This process is a vast ocean and can be either choppy or calm depending on me and my ability to flow and become one with the waves.
I distinctly recall the times that were the most notable "deaths" to me: in 1969; 1976; 1984; 1993; 1998; 2004; 2006; 2012; 2013 and 2015. Each of those years I had once perceived as extremely traumatic and consciously believed I was going to die. What I didn't know then was that the me my ego believed me to be DID die - I had met my Waterloo; Armageddon had come upon me; life as I had known it was over. Not knowing that it was a perfectly natural stage of development, I drowned in fear and grief until I reemerged from that spiritual womb-space into a newer, higher-vibrational, more aware version of myself. I had "died" to who I once was and had been reborn wiser and more loving. I see many times when I awakened or became more conscious that were not particularly noteworthy or traumatic but the years mentioned above were the ones my ego really surrendered. These were the times that accelerated my growth and learning, the times when I was sure I would not make it at all, and yet I did.
In the past I was a lot more afraid of living than I was of dying. Death always seemed to feel like a welcome escape to me as I fought against my very existence. I'm sure I never fully incarnated until this year, choosing instead to stay slightly disconnected from myself and my life so as not to fully experience the pain I perceived life to be. Now that I'm fully immersed, it (life) is so much more amazing than my ego ever fed me imaginings about. I now see the most stunning colours, feel the most elaborate sensations, taste the most exquisite flavours, smell the most profound scents, hear the most tantalizing melodies and intuit the most astounding things that I almost wish I'd embraced life sooner. I respect myself enough now to know and accept that the time was simply not right until now and the journey has been completely necessary for the destination to even exist.
I think I became aware of the developmental patterns in my life about 3 years ago after another ego "death" and began recognising and exploring the past with a view to which stages of development I had been in at different times throughout my life. I mainly used Erickson's and Robin Grille's theories for this as well as Bowlby's theory of Attachment and Berne's Transactional Analysis. I found them all very helpful, particularly symbiosis, individuation, separation, mortality, Grilles 5 rites of passage, Mary Maines "earned secure attachment" and Berne's "ego states". As I learned, I quickly saw where I had entered, left and often re-entered all of these, how they could be useful and how to incorporate them into my own life and history and more. My awareness now grew exponentially and with less traumatic effect. From that I took the meaning of the old adage "knowledge is power" because having that knowledge was empowering for me. Having that knowledge helped my ego to be less afraid of the natural processes of life and learn to accept and embrace them. Having that knowledge helped me to have more compassion and empathy for myself, something that I once did not have at all. Gaining that knowledge and putting it into practice set me free to be love.
I've just been through another seemingly traumatic "death" and re-birth. This time I expected it, nurtured myself through it, and the expansion of my consciousness has far exceeded anything I could have anticipated. I have perceived miracles this time, shed old beliefs, let go of weights, and taken off the shackles I had so tightly bound myself with. I have allowed light to burn through me and illuminate the darkness while loving it all and myself too. I am all things and I am not afraid of that anymore. I am no longer afraid of myself. I know who I am and I love, honour, trust and respect myself and that feels incredible to admit. I forgive myself and all others for the pain I perceived and I accept there is nothing to forgive now for me. It is as it is and it has helped me to grow and become my most divine self, what more could I hope for than that?
I feel so grateful to my ego for taking me on the journey of a lifetime, for every death and re-birth and for every magical, majestic, miraculous moment. No matter what my perceptions were at the times of my "deaths", I see them very clearly now as moments of awakening and expansion. Now I see my life as the gift it truly is - the "present" of a trillion now's strung together for my eternal joy.
At+Onement
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