Yesterday marked a high point in my life, possibly the highest I have strived for.  Yesterday I was able to thank my mother for being my mother, for my childhood with her, for teaching me things that made my Soul grow.  

Although I used to blame my mother for the pain I experienced growing up and, in healing the pent up emotion inside me, blamed her some more, I've always held onto the belief that I would go beyond it.  I've prayed for years to be able to have even just one moment with my mother when the love in our hearts means more than any pain.  We've both experienced great suffering in our lives and have both been instruments of suffering for each other too.  

I've always believed on some level that my mother loves me.  I told myself that she didn't know how to love but I know now that was it was me and not her who didn't know how to love.

I wanted her (and everybody else) to love the way I do.  I wanted her to change.  I had no concept of how she could be mirroring what my Soul needed in order to grow.  Now I know, I can feel the truth of it in my being.  Now that I can see what my Soul has learned from her I feel so blessed and grateful that she, above all others, is my mother.  I have taken the pain of abuse and trauma and found the treasure buried within it and it feels so good to have that ability within me.

Thanks to my mother, I can see more love and beauty in my self and the world.  Thanks to her, I can appreciate so much that I may have taken for granted.  Thanks to my mother, I have an insatiable hunger to BE love.  Thanks to my mother I want to take long, slow breaths and savour the essence of life entering me.  I want to breathe in the love from life and breathe it back out to the world as more love.  With all of the faults I once perceived in my mother now clear in my heart, I see myself so much more clearly and lovingly and that is the greatest gift, to have self-love.

I've been through hell alright.  I've signed a lease, nested, made a home, had a housewarming and bought the whole farm in hell.  I even married it and celebrated anniversaries there.  Hell for me is self hatred.  It permeated everything and everyone.  It obscured my view, screwed with my head and enslaved my heart.  It poisoned me in ways I didn't know were possible and it brought abuse and trauma to me until I realised they were only reflections trying to wake me up.

Through learning self-love the pain is now all but gone.  Yesterday I was able to say a heartfelt thank you to my mother for her part in my life.  I do not need her to apologise, change or accept me at all.  I need to love myself and I do now so I don't need others to love me to feel good.  

My mother has u huge heart of gold and I've known this for a long time but have allowed pain to justify my refusal to accept it.  I've judged others for seeing her heart and not seeing what I wanted to see in her.  That is over now, now I see what my inner child told me was there all along.  Now that I love all of me, my light and my darkness, I can love others more fully too.  Now I am learning to see the Light within the Shadow of all and allow the shadows to fall away revealing the divine truth of oneness.

I have prayed for years to be able to see everyone and everything with eyes of love and now it's happening.  It's so incredible and exhilarating and I feel so blessed to even have moments of it.  I finally can accept that it's not childish or naive, it's the Soul, my Soul.  It's who I was born to be.

Thank you Mum, for being who my Soul needed you to be.  I Love you.

June Parkin 2016